More threads by Allegro


Hi, I am a person who shares a body with several people. I don't care if the people who read this don't believe me, but I need to talk this out. Somehow. I am supposed to be the "protecting alter". Yeah, right. More like the "b*tchy alter". I finally confessed to our psychiatrist last week that I was not able to protect a single one of us at any time. I was just a wimp. Every time one of us was being hurt, I would just run away and cry. I wanted to help them. I wanted to kill whoever was hurting them. But I just took off. Today I can sound tough, but whenever someone gets really scared of something, I just freeze up or run away! The doc says I just didn't have the right "tools". So, what was the point? Why was I made if I couldn't do the job I was made to do? It just doesn't make any sense.
Now I am crying all of the time. I am dragging everyone else down, too. I want to scream at everyone. I hate it when people laugh at us, even when they are not being mean. People always laughed at us when we were being hurt. They enjoyed it! Even our school teachers made fun of us in front of the whole class. We were always dirty, we never combed our hair or anything. The teachers would use us as an example for anything bad like bad grades, bad study habits, bad hygiene, bad attendence. They acted as if they were savoring the effect they had on us.
I can't shake this. Every time I come out I just start crying again. Then when I go back inside, everyone else feels like crying too and they just badger me to stop. As if! I wish I could. I hate feeling like this. Barb
Maybe the parts of you that needed protection for all these years are learning how to slowly learning how to protect themselves?

And perhaps you did a wonderful job of protecting yourself(s) for a very long time and now maybe you are tired and sad and need some protection yourself?

I am not familiar with DID, but I can relate to having fragmented parts of myself that seem to operate independently of one another. However, over the last year, I've been trying to amalgamate those parts of me together into one and have found times when I've felt similar to your description above.

Keep posting.


"Maybe the parts of you that needed protection for all these years are learning how to slowly learning how to protect themselves?"

You have a lot of insight, Healthbound. This is almost exactly what our psychiatrist told Barb. All of us are experiencing the sadness Barb is feeling, but for us, it is like suddenly feeling on the verge of breaking down at odd moments and in odd situation where the feeling is completely inappropriate. Barb feels frustrated because she feels useless now which makes her feel mad, then she feels like crying, which also makes her mad, which makes her cry harder, etc, etc,.... She is now trying to find a new purpose for herself and is having a hard time with that.

Anywho, Barb, and the rest of us, appreciated your post and vote of confidence. Thank you very much.

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