Good morning all
I am new to this forum. I am a 35YO female. I've struggled with anxiety in the past and have been in therapy in order to manage my responses to stress holistically for about four years now.
My husband and I will be married three years this summer. It is a first marriage for both of us. He is 41.
We came to the marriage from very different family backgrounds and there were numerous "red flags" that were raised for me even while we were dating. I was committed to him, though, in love and seeking the companionship of a marriage.
My problem is that I have noticed a pattern in the marriage. I discover something unsavory that my husband has been doing in the marriage entirely by accident, confront him about it, we have an argument, but I fear this pattern of "he will do whatever he can get away with" will not be broken.
The "unsavory" incidents have been everything from looking at porn while I was at work, to not depositing his entire paycheck (something we had agreed to do, to our joint checking account). The second to last disclosure involved me finding out that he had been pocketing 200 dollars from his pay each week, only depositing half. I brought this up and he agreed to no longer do this. This was in March. I just discovered that he did it again
this week.
I told him that I knew last night, and he in turn accused me of monitoring him. I guess I am, because I believe trust must be earned.
I feel as though all of my "rational" attempts to work with my husband to make this relationship safe are failing. We've tried three different therapists to no avail. I fear that I've created a kind of codependency, because I enable him to keep on being deceitful by not kicking him out.
I'm afraid the only step left is to do just that--divorce him--and of course I'm anxious about this. And I'm kicking myself both because my rational side thinks that I would have kicked him out long ago were I not afraid of being alone....and my scared side doesn't want to lose him.
Sorry to have ranted. I'm not sure there's anything clear in this post, but I'd appreciate your feedback.
I am new to this forum. I am a 35YO female. I've struggled with anxiety in the past and have been in therapy in order to manage my responses to stress holistically for about four years now.
My husband and I will be married three years this summer. It is a first marriage for both of us. He is 41.
We came to the marriage from very different family backgrounds and there were numerous "red flags" that were raised for me even while we were dating. I was committed to him, though, in love and seeking the companionship of a marriage.
My problem is that I have noticed a pattern in the marriage. I discover something unsavory that my husband has been doing in the marriage entirely by accident, confront him about it, we have an argument, but I fear this pattern of "he will do whatever he can get away with" will not be broken.
The "unsavory" incidents have been everything from looking at porn while I was at work, to not depositing his entire paycheck (something we had agreed to do, to our joint checking account). The second to last disclosure involved me finding out that he had been pocketing 200 dollars from his pay each week, only depositing half. I brought this up and he agreed to no longer do this. This was in March. I just discovered that he did it again
this week.
I told him that I knew last night, and he in turn accused me of monitoring him. I guess I am, because I believe trust must be earned.
I feel as though all of my "rational" attempts to work with my husband to make this relationship safe are failing. We've tried three different therapists to no avail. I fear that I've created a kind of codependency, because I enable him to keep on being deceitful by not kicking him out.
I'm afraid the only step left is to do just that--divorce him--and of course I'm anxious about this. And I'm kicking myself both because my rational side thinks that I would have kicked him out long ago were I not afraid of being alone....and my scared side doesn't want to lose him.
Sorry to have ranted. I'm not sure there's anything clear in this post, but I'd appreciate your feedback.