Completely Destroyed

[thephoenix]

My wife of 7 1/2 years told me she wanted to separate last week. It came as a complete shock to me. Like every married couple we had problems, some bigger than others, but nothing I didn't think could be worked through. I've since discovered that she has been having an affair with a coworker for 6 months, I am utterly destroyed.

The worst thing is that she says its all my fault for mistreating her, and unfortunately I've started to believe her and my days are now filled with self loathing, grief and regret. I can't eat, I can't sleep I barely leave the house. I have nightmares all night and then wake up and try and get through a day where the nightmares true and it all seems so pointless. I'm not suicidal, but I've never had a more bleak outlook on the future.

I was as much in love with her the day that she told me that she wanted to separate as much as I ever was. I was happy that she would always be in my life. We weren't just married, we were best friends. We shared dreams and aspirations and wanted the same things. Regardless of what else was going on in life and how hard things were, as long as she was with me I knew things would be fine, and now I've lost that.

I have no idea how to live my life without her and right now I feel like I'll never be happy again.

 

[Jazzey]

I'm so sorry Phoenix.

Just remember, sometimes during a breakup people will say things to alleviate their own guilt. It doesn't make it true.

You will be happy again. I know that you're hurting right now, but with time, you will feel better. Breakups are a grieving process for the loss of that person and the future dreams that you had. But with time, you will be ok.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please lean on us here at Psychlinks when you want to.

PS - force yourself to leave the house every day - even if it's only for a 30 minutes walk. Staying cooped up only worsen the pain of it - because that's all you focus on.

 

[ladylore]

So sorry to here about your sad, sad news. Take one day at a time and gather all the support you can.

 

[Retired]

Sorry to hear about your situation. There is probably no greater pain to endure than the pain of betrayal. It's a time, as has been suggested, to rely on the support of family and friends during this difficult time.

You may wish to look through the Psychlinks section on terminated relationships .

Feel free to reach out here for support as well.

Are there any children? Do you have a local support network available to you?

 

[why]

I'm so sorry thepheonix :hug:

 

[thephoenix]

Thank you all very much for your kind words. I've spoken to my wife today who says she wants to try and fix our marriage. I'm very happy with this as it was exactly what I wanted. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive her and move forward but I want to know, and I want to be the one to make the decision.

She's changed her mind three times already so to be honest I'm not getting my hopes up too high but its a start.

 

[Retired]

This might be your opportunity for couples counseling. Based on your earlier comments, if true reconciliation is an option, then your best chance for success is for a trained counselor to help guide the recovery of your relationship.

Have you ever discussed this option with your wife?

 

[thephoenix]

Yes we've discussed it. When she said she wanted to separate originally (before I found out about the affair) I asked her if we couldn't go to couples counseling. In my opinion there's not even any point in trying to work things out if we're not going to involve a counselor and see them regularly.

Does anyone know about/have experience with cheating spouses ending things with the person they are having the affair with? The way I found out she was cheating was by reading her emails and by the sounds of them she may be quite in love.

 

[thephoenix]

1 Year Affair to Long to be Forgotten?

I've recently found out that my wife of 7 years has been having an affair for about a year. I know that through counseling many couples are able to work through infidelity, but is a one year affair too long to heal?

One year of lies, one year of deception, one year of complete disregard for my feelings or dignity, one year of having sex with him and coming home to me, one year of having sex with him in my house on my bed.

A one year affair is not a mistake, it is something that takes so many lies and choices to disregard your partners feelings that it might be too much for me to ever get past.

This doesn't even account for the loss of trust and her ability to end the affair.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I posted a list of books earlier today on recovering from infidelity, but obviously they're not here. I'm not sure what happened, other than that two threads have been merged.

I'll try that again.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Here you go:

• After The Affair: Healing The Pain and Rebuilding Trust When A Partner Has Been Unfaithful by Janis A. Spring & Michael Spring
  
  
• How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis A. Spring
  
  
• Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass
  
  
• Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman
  
  
• Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On - Together or Apart by Douglas K. Snyder, Donald H. Baucom, and Kristina Coop Gordon

 

[Jazzey]

Re: 1 Year Affair to Long to be Forgotten?

I've recently found out that my wife of 7 years has been having an affair for about a year. I know that through counseling many couples are able to work through infidelity, but is a one year affair too long to heal?

One year of lies, one year of deception, one year of complete disregard for my feelings or dignity, one year of having sex with him and coming home to me, one year of having sex with him in my house on my bed.

A one year affair is not a mistake, it is something that takes so many lies and choices to disregard your partners feelings that it might be too much for me to ever get past.

This doesn't even account for the loss of trust and her ability to end the affair.

That's the problem with affairs Phoenix. They can potentially destroy the very foundation of marriage.

So here's a question for you: Do you think, that with time, you can truly forgive her? (predicated on her going to counseling, ending the affair and showing you genuine remorse for this affair)

Here's the other side of the coin: people have affairs for various reasons Phoenix. If you really believe that you're BOTH ready to work on the marriage (which will take time, alot of effort and pain) then counseling can be successful for you I think. Does she still love the other person? Is she willing to give him up?

The tough part is going to sleep with some of the thoughts that I can only imagine you're having right now, and waking up to the same thoughts. At the end of the day, you have to be able to look at your wife in the face and know without a doubt that you love her and that you're willing to do all the hard work that's needed.

I speak here only of a personal experience Phoenix. I'm not a therapist, just someone who's been through a similar experience.

 

[thephoenix]

Re: 1 Year Affair to Long to be Forgotten?

That's the problem with affairs Phoenix. They can potentially destroy the very foundation of marriage.

So here's a question for you: Do you think, that with time, you can truly forgive her? (predicated on her going to counseling, ending the affair and showing you genuine remorse for this affair)

Here's the other side of the coin: people have affairs for various reasons Phoenix. If you really believe that you're BOTH ready to work on the marriage (which will take time, alot of effort and pain) then counseling can be successful for you I think. Does she still love the other person? Is she willing to give him up?

The tough part is going to sleep with some of the thoughts that I can only imagine you're having right now, and waking up to the same thoughts. At the end of the day, you have to be able to look at your wife in the face and know without a doubt that you love her and that you're willing to do all the hard work that's needed.

I speak here only of a personal experience Phoenix. I'm not a therapist, just someone who's been through a similar experience.

To be utterly and completely honest I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly forgive her. I also don't know if I'll ever be able to trust her again. What I do know is that I want to try.

I know that I haven't been the perfect husband (whatever that is) and know that I contributed to my wife having an affair. I am willing to do whatever is necessary to try and change and grow in order to be a better husband. I found out and confronted her about the affair less than a week ago, so I'm sure she still loves the other person. I know they haven't seen each other, but whether or not they've been in contact, I couldn't say for certain.

The difficulty with this whole thing is that immediately after finding out that I've been lied to and deceived for so long that I've got to start trusting that person again. It's not ideal, but I don't have any other choice. I've just had my life obliterated and am so scared and so fragile that I'm having a hard time coping.

Again, thank you all for your kind words and advice.

 

[Jazzey]

Actually, I'm going to disagree with you on one point -you absolutely don't have to trust her off the bat that way. Trust is something that is earned over time and with consistent behaviour. Not words, behaviours. She hasn't shown you that and, in a week's time, couldn't possibly have earned that trust again.

It will take time Phoenix. Just don't spend too much time beating yourself about whether or not you were a bad husband. That too, I think, can be a disservice to the recovery from infidelity (for me, at least).

This is really a slow process that you're just starting. You won't forgive her tomorrow and you won't trust her tomorrow. But with therapy and with time, I do think it's possible. Again, that's contingent on the both of you...

Adding one more thing: When someone isn't satisfied in a marriage, the solution should never be infidelity. So don't beat yourself too much on not having been a "good" husband.