Concerned About Relationship with Therapist

[stargazer]

After almost six months of (off and on) tackling difficult bureaucracy in order to make sure my Medi-Cal benefits were transferred back to my original County, in order that I might see my therapist again; I have become uneasy about seeing her.

(By the way, although I admit to being a person who has a difficult time with bureaucracies, she did assure me that a lot of people here have trouble with the Inter-County transfer. I just want you to know that it's not just me, it's the system as well. Also, my sister had to be involved (being my Payee) at several stages, which was difficult for her, for similar reasons.)

During the six months, my therapist and I sometimes engaged in a phone call or an email exchange, but we both tried to keep it light because I was not officially one of her patients and so I couldn't really get services there. She was mainly trying to help advocate for me to get my accepted back into the system, through the transfer of the benefits and other hurdles.

I don't know if my perceptions have changed, or if she has changed, but I began to perceive her as an unusually uptight person. Then I recalled that she often seemed not to let me speak during therapy - I'd get halfway through my sentence, and she'd interrupt me, as though the subject of my difficulties was freaking her out on some level. There were also many days when she had a total agenda, and useful though it might have been on another day, it prevented me from being able to talk about my issues at all.

The clinic is very short-staffed right now, which is another reason this has taken so long. There are exactly two therapists there. I wonder if I ought to try to see the other therapist instead, with whom I have no experience. Also, if I want to do this, how do I go about bringing this up? It seems it might hurt my current therapist's feelings. Also, it seems it might not even be possible. The other therapist might be totally booked.

If that's the case, then I'd feel awkward for having brought it up. But I wonder if I should just bring it up anyway. I left the first appointment in a worse mood than the fairly good mood I went in there with, because it seemed that she kept bringing things up that didn't apply to my present set of conditions and struggles.

True, that was a screening, and we were trying to cram two hours worth of information into the hour they had allotted us (they made this decision figuring they all knew me already), but still I got the feeling that certain things would be emphasized that probably wouldn't be helpful. I'm worried that I might never get to address my real issues.

But mostly, I'm worried about the therapist herself. She might be going through a period when she herself is personally hassled about something, and it might be affecting her work.

If anyone can shed some light on my concerns, I'd really appreciate it. I have sometimes asked for feedback (for example, a while back when I was concerned about dealing with an ADHD friend), and I guess my request got lost in the shuffle, because nobody said anything. I know I'm not on here too often anymore, but I can't think of where else to get a detached point of view, off the top of my head.

I suppose I could call my old Kaiser therapist off-the-record, but he has said he doesn't want to be in that position. I sometimes call him just to shoot the breeze, though, just because he's a great guy - and it's all right to do that now that I am no longer a Kaiser member. But it would be helpful to get support from people here on PsychLinks as I'm trying to figure out how to approach this situation.

Also, Merry Christmas to all to whom those words hold meaning. My next appointment is scheduled for January 5th.

 

[Banned]

Hi Stargazer,

Merry Christmas to you as well.

I just had a very long reply typed and then my computer crashed, so I'm going to try to summarize it again.

Part of your post jumped out at me and compelled me to reply. The part about - would it be ok to try the other therapist in the office and would the one you've been speaking with be offended. It reminded me of a situation in my own life not very long ago.

My previous therapist is also a university professor, and takes four months in the summer to go to his summer cottage at the other end of the country. The last year I was seeing him, he gave me the number of another therapist that I could call if I was in crisis. Well, I did call her, and she ended up being a much, much better therapist for me, and so I didn't go back to him. I did one last session to explain why I was going to see her and what I hoped to attain from the switch. He wasn't offended at all - he was happy that I'd made enough progress that I was able to recognize that I needed to move on.

So my point, and I do have one, is that this first therapist should be professional and understanding enough to know, accept, and understand that she may not be the best fit for you, as no therapist is the right fit for everyone. You could choose to have a candid conversation with her, asking her about the merits of the other therapist, or simply explain that you would like to try a couple of sessions with the other one.

Absolutely the therapist may be dealing with her own issues right now and that may be impacting her ability to provide her services to you. As the consumer, you have the right to a service provider that you are comfortable with and can trust and rely on, on so many levels.

 

[white page]

Hi Stargazer ,

I don't know if my perceptions have changed, or if she has changed, but I began to perceive her as an unusually uptight person. Then I recalled that she often seemed not to let me speak during therapy - I'd get halfway through my sentence, and she'd interrupt me, as though the subject of my difficulties was freaking her out on some level. There were also many days when she had a total agenda, and useful though it might have been on another day, it prevented me from being able to talk about my issues at all.

This is quite probably true that both you and your therapist are no longer in the place you were before.

If that's the case, then I'd feel awkward for having brought it up. But I wonder if I should just bring it up anyway. I left the first appointment in a worse mood than the fairly good mood I went in there with, because it seemed that she kept bringing things up that didn't apply to my present set of conditions and struggles.

I would bring this up ,as the relationship of trust is vital with a therapist , she may be having a difficult time herself for reasons totally unrelated to you .
And as you come over as a very sensitive person , you obviously picked up the fact that there was a difficulty somewhere , I agree it is difficult to suggest that you change therapist , she may have a huge work load at the moment and not be able to give you the time which you need , why don't you discuss this with her , don't forget that you are seeing a therapist for your good , and that it is your wellbeing which is the most important in this situation . , however much empathy you feel for your therapist , her role is one of a proffessional and yours is the one of a patient seeking help .

I hope this helps a little , take care wp

 

[stargazer]

Wow! This is great - I didn't expect such a soon and ready response.

This is quite probably true that both you and your therapist are no longer in the place you were before.

That would logically be the case, if for no other reason than the passage of time. It's been at least a year and a half now since I've seen her. Most people change a bit during such a stretch of time - at least in some ways, due to changing life-circumstances, changes in the lives of people who are important to them, and so forth. And then of course, there may be emotional and financial considerations - there are lots of reasons why either one of us could be in a different mind-set now than earlier on.

Don't forget that you are seeing a therapist for your good, and that it is your well-being which is the most important in this situation. However much empathy you feel for your therapist, her role is one of a professional and yours is the one of a patient seeking help.

That's exactly right. It's easy to forget, especially when change-resistant and afraid to try anything different.

Also, it's quite possible that once I *do* bring this up, the air might clear, and it might be all right to stay with her anyway. The problem could be on an entirely different level than such as I've been suspecting, and perhaps it's the type of thing that can be solved through communication. In any case, I'll never know till I try.

Thanks, to both of you, for your feedback. It is helping.

 

[white page]

hi again stargazer ,

So true what you say, once communication has been opened up and established , then you can express what you are feeling , and this is the point of therapy . finding the reasons why and how we react to certain situations .

Also, it's quite possible that once I *do* bring this up, the air might clear, and it might be all right to stay with her anyway. The problem could be on an entirely different level than such as I've been suspecting, and perhaps it's the type of thing that can be solved through communication. In any case, I'll never know till I try.

Thanks, to both of you, for your feedback. It is helping.
Reply With Quote

I am glad that talking this out is helping you to see things from different facets .

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Stargazer,

Just to let you know that I've read your post. But, it looks as though you've already received some good advice. I agree with everything that WP expressed. The trust is key in your relationship. In that vein, I'll wish you luck in speaking to your therapist. I'll look forward to hearing how you make out Stargazer! Good luck.:support:

 

[stargazer]

To let everyone know, I have spoken with my therapist, and I have decided to stick with her. The upshot is that it has turned out to be easier to communicate over the difficulties I had been having with her, and to hope for a resolution in those issues; than to switch to another therapist and face the unknown. In other words, despite its drawbacks, the progress that has been made with this particular therapist since 2006 counts for more than I'd expected. Starting all over, in a switch to a new and "strange" therapist, might have put a damper on that sense of progress. So, I'll be meeting with her again on the 3rd (of February), and we'll take it from there.

 

[Halo]

SG,

I am so glad to hear that you spoke to your therapist. Sometimes just clearing the air really helps and then you can move on from there.

I did not respond to your original post given that I have been ill for quite some time but again I am so glad that you talked to your therapist and are sticking with her.

Good Job :2thumbs:

 

[white page]

Stargazer ,

Thanks for giving your news of the continuation of your therapy , good to know
that you have an appointment coming up soon .

Take care and best wishes wp

 

[amastie]

To let everyone know, I have spoken with my therapist, and I have decided to stick with her. The upshot is that it has turned out to be easier to communicate over the difficulties I had been having with her, and to hope for a resolution in those issues...

I'm so glad stargazer
(Sorry I didn't come in earlier with help but I couldn't have added to what others have said.)
Take care.

 

[stargazer]

Hi, I am glad for the feedback of all of you (Halo, Amastie, and White Page) - I think this is for the best, and I am looking forward to starting up with her again on the 3rd. (We had to schedule it that far away because of my transportation issues. I will try and get a thirty-one day bus pass once I get my check on around the 1st of the month.)

 

[amastie]

:support:
Sendng thoughts your way

 

[stargazer]

This is so horrible. I've been having issues (living situation, neighborhood, self-image, financial, depression) - and so I called today to see if my therapist had an opening earlier than the scheduled visit on the 3rd. She said she had 3pm open, and I took the bus up to the Village.

This was our first real therapy session (not the screening) since starting up again. It was really horrible. I can't decide whether to continue to give this a chance, or whether to try and find another therapist somehow.

I'd go into detail but might have to go to Members Only or the MVP forum to open up. One thing I'll share here is that I did bring up that maybe I ought to be seeing another therapist, and I perceived her to become very insecure. She took it professionally, but I got a definite feeling of uneasiness from her, which was troublesome.

I think she is a very dedicated therapist, but I wonder if she and I are a match. Not sure what to do. I've been more than a little depressed lately, and I feel like I wasted the whole day, while behind on work, and generally under more pressure than usual.

 

[Halo]

SG,

I can understand that you think your therapist and you may not be a good fit but it sounds like you were in a lot of distress today and it may not have been the best session to judge your compatibility on. I would give it at least a few more sessions especially ones where you are not in crisis to make a decision.

My motto is never make any major decisions when I am upset or in crisis.

Take care

 

[stargazer]

I did actually tell her that I didn't want to make a decision today, for that same reason, but one of the reasons I came to PsychLinks is because I think the members here might be able to help me to make a decision - not necessarily tonight, but at some point. Also, something really bad happened during the course of the session, and it was unprecedented. But I don't want to talk about it in a public forum, and I want to sleep on it before I talk about it elsewhere. I'm also falling asleep over my laptop, and I've still got a three mile walk to get home from where I am. Going to the Village and back basically consumed the entire day, and even though I slept all those hours, I have fallen asleep three times in public places today. I'm trying to muster up the energy to walk home, which I usually do willfully, for exercise. Right now it seems a little gargantuan - so yes I am depressed, and it probably isn't the best time to make any decisions other than those that are of most immediate importance (e.g., when to get up from the chair here at Starbucks, and begin the walk home.)

 

[amastie]

...I am depressed, and it probably isn't the best time to make any decisions other than those that are of most immediate importance (e.g., when to get up from the chair here at Starbucks, and begin the walk home.)

When you are ready to make the decision, you will make the one that feels right

(Sorry I have'n't been online much recently. Have been caught up. Please know that I continue to keep you in my thoughts.)

 

[stargazer]

I'm definitely going back on the 3rd as scheduled. I want to talk with her. I don't think she understands me, which I suppose should come as no surprise, since very few people do (or seem to). My self-esteem has got to be lower than anybody's I have ever met, and yet people tell me I come across as though my self-esteem is unusually high - or even *too* high. The conflict between how I feel inside, and how others seem to see me, sometimes throws me into a rage of frustration. Image issues - self-image, and the way I believe I am being perceived by others, seem to me to be at the root of all my difficulties, and yet I don't seem to be able to find a therapist who understands this. I struggle to express it, and I feel as though I am not being heard. This happens repeatedly.

All that said, I think back to the session, and Judy did understand certain things. It's also possible that I have been feeding myself with certain lies or delusions, possibly for so long I'm having a hard time sifting out the truth about who I am, what I do, and so forth. But I know that she was understanding, because of the way she responded. I need to give her more of a chance than just the one session, when understandably we were both a little bit on edge.

I know, I just contradicted myself. She understands some things, and not other things - just like I do, and don't.

This recent living situation really destroyed me. I can't believe that for so long, I thought it was a good thing for me to be associating with these people. I was comparing it to my having been out on the streets, and so of course I was appreciative of a roof over my head. And I figured I had something to learn from people who are hugely different than me - people who never think there is anything wrong with themselves, but who seem to thrive on pointing out what is "wrong" with everybody else, according to their standards, of course.

And I need to talk about it in therapy. On Sunday, I spoke with five people, including my spiritual counselor, my daughter, and three good friends; before making the internal decision to give notice on my room. (My therapist had already said she thought I should leave the house, and the neighborhood.) Then, when I told the landlady I was going to give notice on the 1st, she responded by evicting me. I don't have the energy to fight it. I know why she did it. And I just want out of here, and away from the memory of all this. I just want to find a small room somewhere, and be completely alone, like I was for 17 years, and happy about it. I've got till the end of February (though of course I want to move quicker than that.) If I'm careful, but keep at it, I can find a healthy sitution in time.

 

[Halo]

SG,

Sorry to hear about your eviction however I am sure with your resources you will find something else more suitable.

Take care and good luck with the apartment/room hunting....keeping my fingers crossed :crossfingers: for you.

 

[sister-ray]

Good luck from me too in finding somewhere I do hope you find somewhere where you can be happy and settle down you deserve it somewhere nice:hug:

 

[amastie]

...All that said, I think back to the session, and Judy did understand certain things. It's also possible that I have been feeding myself with certain lies or delusions, possibly for so long I'm having a hard time sifting out the truth about who I am, what I do, and so forth....

Have you actually talked to Judy about those thoughts in particular. She might able to help you sort out what is real from what is not - especially if you confuse what people think about you and how you see your yourself.

...Then, when I told the landlady I was going to give notice on the 1st, she responded by evicting me. ...I've got till the end of February (though of course I want to move quicker than that.) If I'm careful, but keep at it, I can find a healthy sitution in time.

I'll be wishing that for you