Concerned About Relationship with Therapist

[stargazer]

Have you actually talked to Judy about those thoughts in particular. She might able to help you sort out what is real from what is not - especially if you confuse what people think about you and how you see your yourself.

We did touch on this, yes. My feeling now is that it's going to take a few sessions for the salience of it to surface in such a way as might be helpful. I think it is true that I confuse what I think people are thinking about me with what I see in myself. Or, sometimes, I think they are thinking the opposite about me than what I am thinking about myself. Then again, I don't really know what they are thinking, do I? Not to mention, does it matter what they're thinking? Food for "thought."

Then, when I told the landlady I was going to give notice on the 1st, she responded by evicting me. I don't have the energy to fight it. I know why she did it.

I need to address this. I really believe the only reason she put it this way is because she was afraid I would change my mind again. See, what happened is, I gave notice within the first two weeks after I moved here, when I found out the roommate was a speed freak. That was the landlady's nephew. Then she convinced me to stay - I guess because they might have trouble renting the place.

Then, on December 1st, I gave another thirty days notice and escaped up to the Village, mailing her the rent in a money order. That was after, I believe, he had threatened to kill me over something. He later told me I had misinterpreted him, and that he wasn't really going to kill me, but only knock the crap out of me.

This time I really wanted to leave, but since he was taking off for Indiana, he convinced me to stay, because the landlady's mother had died in October (whom he had been here to take care of, while she was on oxygen), which would mean that the landlady herself would be the only person in the house if I were to leave.

He had a point, so I stayed. I didn't want her to have to be in the house alone after her Mom died. That would have seemed uncompassionate of me.

The problem is, ever since that happened, all of her negativity seems to be aimed at me (instead of him.) The dynamic has changed. It's also occurred to me that she may be grieving, and so she is having more "negative" moments than usual. I want to be here for her, but I've gotten to the point where I can't take it anymore. I just saw a Craigslist add for a "large room" in a "huge house" in a WAY better location here in town, with a male housemate, and available March 1st. That would time out perfectly. I'd even be right on the bus line, instead of almost a mile away from the nearest bus stop.

So, my landlady worded the notice as an eviction and required both our signatures only because I had previously re-negged on two thirty days notices. She didn't want me to keep changing my mind. I can probably explain this to some future landlord, and if that person likes me well enough, and I have the cash on hand, I'll probably get the room, thinking positively.

 

[Into The Light]

Then, on December 1st, I gave another thirty days notice and escaped up to the Village, mailing her the rent in a money order. That was after, I believe, he had threatened to kill me over something. He later told me I had misinterpreted him, and that he wasn't really going to kill me, but only knock the crap out of me.

that sounds really scary, stargazer. even being threatened to be "knocked the crap out of" is bad enough!

i would say definitely get out of there asap. those are bad people to be around.

 

[stargazer]

i would say definitely get out of there asap. those are bad people to be around.

The landlady herself has never taken any drugs in her life. She's normal in the sense of having a normal job as an Admin. I think the worst she's ever done was to have hung out in a bar for a couple years at one point, and now she doesn't drink at all. She's just naturally subjective about her nephew, whom she loves. I think it's hard for her to see how someone meeting him for the first time might be made to feel uneasy.

Also, it's my karma. Ever since I got back to the Valley after all those years in the Bay Area, I've been running into people who use drugs, sell drugs, go to jail for drugs, etc. I think that people in this town get bored, there's no culture here to speak of, nothing for kids to do at night, and they resort to drugs.

But it's something to do with me as well. I somehow wind up with such folks, whereas when I was in the Bay Area - even this last time, even becoming homeless there again - I did not. In the Bay Area, I'm always there because I had gotten a job, and the circles I find myself in are not such that anyone would have time to be involved in the counter-culture, much less the inclination.

 

[amastie]

stargazer,
each moment we create a new karma. It's not too late to change you karma
Sounds like the Bay area would be a better place to be (from what I understand of your words at the end).
I cannot linger.
Know that my thoughs are with you still :support:

 

[stargazer]

stargazer,
each moment we create a new karma. It's not too late to change you karma

If that's the case, I certainly intend to change my karma immediately. I would that the karma I am exuding at any given moment be excellent.

Sounds like the Bay area would be a better place to be (from what I understand of your words at the end).

Pros and cons. Much higher cost of living there. But between now and March 1st, maybe something will appear that's in my price range.

Also, for reasons unclear to me, my anger issues tend to be aggravated in the Bay Area. I think it's because I always go there to find work, and since the boss is often somewhat of a jerk, I wind up getting mad a lot, as an offshoot of work-related stress, and resentment toward the boss. It's happened three out of the last four jobs there. (I did fine at Stanford, but that was an easy gig, among nice people.)

Now that I'm mostly working for myself from my laptop, it doesn't lend itself to those kinds of tensions.

Another thing is that I don't drive. This makes me a visible figure walking all about town. Such a person cannot help but be confronted by people wanting to bum change, bum a cigarette, pawn off valuables, sell dope, etc. I try to choose my walking routes carefully, but even so...

If I had a car, I could probably avoid a lot of that element.

 

[amastie]

...since the boss is often somewhat of a jerk, I wind up getting mad a lot..

Doesn't that pre-suppose that the boss *will* be a jerk? I wonder to myself if, in your anger issues, you are waiting for the next jerk to come along? Your words remind me of someone with boxing gloves on waiting for the next person in a crowd who is wearing theirs

...It's happened three out of the last four jobs there. ...

Ok, you have stats but you also did say

..I did fine at Stanford, but that was an easy gig, among nice people....

What makes an "easy gig". I smile as I think to myself if it might be one where there isn't someone else is wearing boxing gloves?
Is it easy for you for there to *be* an "easy gig"? If your boxing gloves are off to begin with, would other people look less intimidating? Just tell me if my thoughts are running amok here

..Now that I'm mostly working for myself from my laptop, it doesn't lend itself to those kinds of tensions....

Sounds like a good and practical option but in the end a laptop can't keep you away from people altogether - unless you're thinking of becoming a hermit!

...Another thing is that I don't drive. This makes me a visible figure walking all about town...

Do you mind me asking in what way you are "visible figure" (and don't tell me that you really *do* wear boxing gloves
Speaking for myself, I know what it is to be visible. At 130kg and *not* a closet eater, I use a walker to get about because of my arthritis. The walker is bigger that ususal because of my size. And yet, for all my visibility, I find that most people by far are more considerate than offensive as a result of my difficulty getting about. On public transport, such as trains, when it is overly crowded and someone is kind enough to offer me a seat, I am at pains to ensure that they know how much I appreciate their kindness which often starts up a friendly conversaton which takes in a number of people all crowded uncomfortably together. I *expect* such kindness. Do you need to *expect* kindness when you walk into an office where you want to be employed? I understand that with having anger issues that must be much harder, and then (again, as I have asked elsewhere) are you taking enough of you medication for hypomania to leave you free of at least some of those anger issues?
Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree, and I'm sorry if I am. Talking a lot comes easily to me. Making sense not so easy (Mmm.. maybe I should add that to my signature)
Take good care

 

[Daniel E.]

If I had a car, I could probably avoid a lot of that element.

That's true. I know when I was visiting Atlanta and using public transportation, I still had to walk quite a bit on streets where safety was a concern, at least at night. Even without such concerns, I don't know anyone who finds being accosted by panhandlers (let alone drug dealers) a pleasant experience.

 

[stargazer]

I came back because it had been a while, and I wanted to catch up, but I'm having a hard time concentrating. Too much on my mind.

 

[amastie]

I'm feeling sorry at present for trying to help when I'm not focussing well myself.

*Please* take it easy and relax as much as you can, Ok?

:support: