Confused and distressed

[pocono]

I was hospitalized for the forth time recently. Things with my therapist are not good. He is worried that our relationship is somehow contributing to my suicidal bouts rather than preventing them. He is going to seek a consultation with an outside therapist, though this may not happen for a few weeks. We've been together 5 years, and I love him (not...."am in love with him".....but, rather, love him}

I feel like I'm spinning down a drain somehow.....just getting ready to dissolve. I 'm sure my behaviour; ie., being suicidal, has ruptured our relationship. I'm ruining everything -- my job, my family, my therapy relationship.

I don't know how to keep it all together any more.

Pocono

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There are times where you simply outgrow your therapist and/or need a different approach to therapy to make further progress.

It may well be that's the case here, rather than your suicide attempt, i.e. you didn't "ruin" anything - your therapist is simply doing his job and considering the possibility that at this point in your therapy someone else may be able to help you make more progress.

 

[pocono]

Well you know how to make a panicked girl feel even more panicked! Is therapy really that impersonal? I'm already used to being abandoned. I don't need to pay someone to do that for me.

 

[Daniel E.]

But that's not abandonment or anything like that. It's doing what your therapist believes is in your best interests.

 

[pocono]

The only thing that I can think of to say to that, Daniel, is a swear word.....which I'm sure isn't allowed on this site. All the work to learn to trust, all the time devoted to building a bridge........that can't be something to throw away. Loss is something i already know. I don't want more of it in my life, especially not now.

 

[Yuray]

We've been together 5 years, and I love him (not...."am in love with him".....but, rather, love him}

Your therapist knows you better than you do, and he seems to be aware of his limits regarding you. This is a 5 year relationship ending, and he is ending it. There may be love on your part, and that makes the ending just as hurtful as a spousal relationship breaking down since he hasn't reciprocated your love. (unless you are omitting something). It is difficult to maintain a sense of normalcy when a relationship breaks down or ends, just freindship or otherwise. Is he aware of your feelings?

He is going to seek a consultation with an outside therapist, though this may not happen for a few weeks.

Given the seriousness of your prediciment, perhaps you should be pro active in seeking another therapist. A few weeks in limbo can feel like a lifetime.

that can't be something to throw away.

nothing is being thrown away. It is called moving on, armed with the knowledge you have learned from him. Is there more you should be telling us about the relationship?

 

[pocono]

So is the whole world in agreement that this relationship is ending or should end? Is that the inevitable conclusion to an outside consultation?

 

[Yuray]

Is that the inevitable conclusion to an outside consultation?

Yes. Some very knowledgable people have responded to your post with an interpretation to your words. If you wish to add to your reasons for posting, if there are anymore, perhaps another view of it could be better offered, but as it is, you haven't told us a whole lot. More would be better, if there is more.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

So is the whole world in agreement that this relationship is ending or should end? Is that the inevitable conclusion to an outside consultation?

No, not at all. It's not impersonal, it's not abandonment, and it's not inevitable.

 

[Will]

So is the whole world in agreement that this relationship is ending or should end? Is that the inevitable conclusion to an outside consultation?

I think you're looking at this in the worst possible light. Termination is merely a possibility, at this point, and while it is one which should be taken seriously by the both of you, I don't think putting it in the worst light possible is going to help. While your transition may be difficult it doesn't have to be fruitless. It's merely a path to new possibilities, for you.

 

[pocono]

What can I do to avoid the relationship ending?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What can I do to avoid the relationship ending?

Talk to your therapist about your fears and how the prospect of change is affecting you.

 

[pocono]

That I can do.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Talk to him about it. That would be upsetting to me as well.

 

[pocono]

Thanks Cat Dancer. I was hoping for a bit of empathy from someone........I feel so miserable right now.....................I've tried everything I know to do about the depression -- taking action by getting up, getting dressed, trying to mother, trying to work.........it doesn't shake off............................................then to think I may have to cope with losing a therapist...........it is just too much............................................

 

[Daniel E.]

I would look at it this way: Even by you just consulting with another therapist (like getting a second opinion) or your therapist getting some supervision, you can not only gain more perspective but help avoid treatment resistance. Treatment resistance occurs when you want to just keep going with the flow rather than make uncomfortable changes that you may have been avoiding for years.

Though you are undoubtedly making changes in your life, your current therapist may be slowing down the process unwittingly by not pushing you enough or by not incorporating other therapies in addition to CBT like solution-focused therapy. But that's just one example of how therapists can enable so-called treatment resistance.

 

[pocono]

Not sure if anyone is there or will respond to this email. I know this isn't a crisis hotline, but I'm feeling really awful. Pills are calling me. I don't feel like I can call my therapist because of the problems we are having. I don't want to make things worse between us.................

 

[Daniel E.]

When people feel like they are in a crisis, they tend to make things worse. So the goal is to just hang on and try to relax (self-soothe, distract, improve the moment, etc.) even though you don't feel like relaxing:

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/therapy-...or-therapy-dbt-distress-tolerance-skills.html

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/self-sooth.html

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/crisis_survival_video_text.html

One way to do that may be calling your therapist, calling a crisis hotline, etc.

 

[Cat Dancer]

When do you see your therapist next?

 

[pocono]

I call my therapist, in spite of negative feelings I am having about the relationship. He will see me tomorrow. That is a help. I'm going to print out this thread for him to see.

Pocono