Confused

[Ashley-Kate]

hello, When i was little I thought that well my familly was the tipical canadian familly then my parents divorced witch changed me in many ways I see my father only 4 times a year and what before I considered normal behavior I now know is the opposite .. when i was akid the first thing I heard my father say in the morning is bring me my bear he was never ever sobber and well was the kind of person that did not give a damn what he told me I was his stupid insignificant daughter.. Now I am presently at his house for about 5 weeks today is paticularly the worst day I have been with him in my hole life cause normally he can control himself a bit more but not this time ... he is like praticly falling on me teling me that I am soooo pretty and making pretty bad comments on my body.. I love him and all but he is never sobber and well I hate having to act like what he sais doesn't phase me cause morally I feel terrible ...
what should I do
ashley-kate

 

[David Baxter PhD]

confused

Call your mother and tell her what's happening? I don't think at your age any court would force you to visit with him, especially if he's exhibiting that sort of behavior.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

confused

The thing is i am now 17 years old so the desicion is mine and since there divorce well my father has had two kids and I love them dearly so I take care of them I don't want them to live the same thing I do and if I am not there then they are alone with him... and plus my mom is not like next door or anything she and i live in an another province ... She went back to her familly when they split... This is the first time i stay at my dad's for this long (5 weeks) and well I always call my mom a week after this time i want to make the hoel 5 weeks
so what can I do while staying here that could help my stay be much easier
ashley

 

[ThatLady]

confused

David is right, Ashley. You need to call your mother and let her know what's going on. Tell her the truth...all of it. Perhaps, with your mother's help, you can get the authorities involved to be sure your step-siblings are protected from what your father is doing. You can't protect them all the time, hon. Sooner or later, you've got to leave. What then?

You need to take steps now, to protect yourself and your step-siblings.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

confused

You guys make it sound so easy but the thing is child protectionservices are already in my familly they see that I am well anorexic and they are convinced that my father is to blame but i don't want them to blaME HIM HE is so week and needs my help so if I leave he is all alone no one to watch over him
isn't that my role as a daughter
ashley

 

[ThatLady]

confused

No, Ashley, it isn't. It's his role as a FATHER to watch over you, his daughter. The fact is, your father needs to do something about himself before something happens to one of his children because of his behaviors. It's not YOUR responsibility, hon. It's his.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

confused

Well said, ThatLady.

The question is: Who is the parent? And who is the child?

 

[Ashley-Kate]

confused

The thing is the parent is not a parent he is confused at the moment sure he loves me I know he does or more like i hope he does and I wish he does and I need to prove to him that I am a good kid and if I do this for him he will see that I am and stop being the way he is with me. like with my sister he is very nice and polite she's my twined and then there is me that as I was yund and lived with him spoke my mind and got punished and now I want ot make up for it I regret being bad the way he is with me now is because of the bad behavior I once had
he will change one day he will stop...
ashley

 

[Cat Dancer]

confused

No, you can't change people by the way you behave. I am just now learning this myself.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

confused

Sadly, that is distorted thinking, Ashley. He is not the way he is because you are "a bad child". He is the way he is because he's the way he is. You didn't cause it and you can't change him -- only he can do that.

 

[Junior]

confused

Ashley,
People do not change.
They adjust.
The only thing that you or anyone can do is to force him to comply with what is morally acceptable. If he refuses, then he has chosen a life for himself of drunken lonliness. You should not feel the least bit responsible for the immoral or just plain stupid decisions other people make for themselves. It is up to them to feel responsible about themselves.

 

[Diana]

confused

Ashley, I understand you wanting to protect your step-siblings, but it's time for you to protect yourself. You couldn't have been expected to do that as a young child, but now you can make the decision to get out of your father's house. If your father becomes capable of accepting your help and love in a morally good and positive way then he will have to prove that to you. It doesn't sound like that's going to happen right now if he's making those kinds of comments to you. It's not a good environment for you, or anyone else to be in at any time. I really feel for your step-siblings and I hope that you or someone else can get them out of this bad situation. However, it's not your responsibility to stand between them and your father and you getting hurt in the process. You can't protect them that way. But, if you protect yourself you might be able to find ways of helping them.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

i understand

hello ,
I understand were you are all comming from i really do and i see why you guys do not really get my way of thinking but i can't change it cause this is how i was brought up ... sad but true ... I recently found out ( the 2 of july) that my father has some sort of lung cancer (that's what he told me i am not too sure i believe it) and I woul find quite sruel if i left him alone now cause well I am his daughter and in a year I will be considered an adult in the eyes of the law so I can't say I am just a kid or I am not old enough I am the responsible on eand it would be very irresponsible of my part to leave.I know i always defend myself and that's rong but no one seems to understand my need to be loved by this man no matter what ... I really want him to notice me in another way then he did when I was a child. You may understand what i am saying but you may not i trully believe that i can make it or ruine myself trying.
ashley