Confused

[Ashley-Kate]

I am having a hard time at the moment cause my past just seems to be comming back and hurting me even more i am seeing a psychologist and a team of people in a therapie that i am in for an eating disorder but now they want me to talk about my past the past i hve spent 6 years almost trying to forget. I was 11 years old at the time and the guy i was with was 16 some age differnce you may think but he was the nicest or so i though life started to get hard about a month into our relationship at his age he only wanted one thing and i was too naive to have figurd it out before but when it was happening i knew it was rong and all he would tell me is not too cry because that would mean i did not love him at that age i thought every woman went threw that and that if i told it was becuase welll i was the wimp the stupid on but when i learned the opposit i didn't say anything because i was embarresed so i lived with it for 3 years and now the psychologist wants me to talk about it .. I don't know if i can i rather dye than have to relive the abuse that he made me indure so many times .. at 11 years old already i was not wondering what clothes to were or how to put up my hair i wondered how to hide .. i wondered if i was pregnate
i' don't know if i can do this talking thing to them to tell them people that will see me everyday what will they think of this little girl that had sex at 11 .. i am the slut i don't care wether i chose it or notn i let it happen they will judge me ..
your trully ashley

 

[comfortzone]

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Hi Ashley,

Talking about your past painful experiences is difficult but the positive part is that as you talk to someone who is supportive and objective it can be very helpful. Keeping silent about such topics could extend the time you experience the pain. It is not easy but it will be worthwhile. Your psychologist will provide helpful feedback without judgment. You are a courageous person...courage is strength in the face of fear. Please let us know how it goes for you and know you have our support here.
Best wishes,

 

[Heather]

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I am going to tell you a little bit of my past to try and I dunno help I guess.

OK I was sexually abused as a child and when I was about 11 I started to go out with this 28 year old I thought that he really cared but he was really just a degusting child abuser, anyway I won't go into details but he did awful things to me and told me not to cry as well and I thought I was so old at 11 and I look back and I was only a baby!

Anyway I have just turned 24. It took me until I was 22 to talk about any of this and it hurt and it made me feel dirty and mae me think that people would think I was an awful person and treat me differently if they knew, but you know what I still have a lot going on but it has been getting better since I talked I still have a long way to go but it is important to let it out and know that you are not an awful person for having this happen, you were also a baby and this should have never happened to you.

I hope that you don't become upset by what I have said but I had to say something.

Heather...

 

[Ashley-Kate]

???

The thing is the way i see it is that well i was 11 years old sure that is yung but i should have known better then to let it continue i should not have stayed in such a situation but i did an for that no one else is to blame but myself.. and all the while i was also mad at my fatehr the only male image in my life that was around but he was and still is an alcoholic so i felt that i was lucky because well at least my boyfriend did remember what he did and told me that he cared and well to me the fact that he wasn't drin while saying meant that it was tue ..And then my fathe would always say."you must be polite and obey the poeple that are older and listen to them." so i did as i was told i listened i was so stupid to now figure out that it was rong. Now i live 12 hours away from my abuser's old house but he passed away last year of a drug overdose and all i could think of was how it was not fare that he dies and i amstill alive living with the wounds of my past. I spoke to the counselor the other day well she actually aked so many questions the sentence"I need to wash away what he did to me" came out and then she started to realise what was goingon she asked many questions after and then finally looked at me and said"tell me if i am rght but i am guessing that he wanted to have sex and you didn't " I did not say a word but i think she could tel she finished the conversation with the hole you are the innocent one in this it's not your fault you were just a kid he was the adult he should have known better came out an i hate it whe they do that or when they put him down saying how ba he was and how he did not love me because he did love i just don't want them to kno everything cuz some things are pretty difficult to say and do not involve just meand him but me him and a group of other guys i just don't think i can recal and relive those moments i just raather think of them a things that never hapened and hopefully one day deleting them from my memory
yours trully ashley

 

[comfortzone]

confused

Ashley,

The question is are you trying to forget these experiences? If so, is it working for you? These memories are not so easily forgotten but with therapy healing can come to you. Events in in the past affect our lives in how we handle the present moment...in therapy the focus could be on how those particular moments influences your decisions, thoughts and etc. Please do try to talk about how your past has affected you today. I realize many miles may separate us as does the style of communication on this forum but look at it this way...you have already shown courage in addressing this issue here with us. We remain here by your side.

 

[Heather]

confused

I do not want to hurt you by writing too much more, but please take it from me you are not at fault you were a child and were not able to say know due to your feelings you have almost said that in your reply. I am not saying that he didn't love you but sweetie you were 11 you are not to blame, please at least take that from me, I have been through similiar and I blamed myself for not saying no as well because 10 and 11 are old enough, well I am now doing a degree in early childhood and we focus on the older children as well and the developmental level of an 11 year old pretty much says that you were not at fault (I can't go on about it all right now as I am not myself at the moment) but please take from me that talking about it does help. And if you wish to talk to me about it please I am here and at least have some kind of understanding.

Heather...

 

[Ashley-Kate]

..

Every logical thinking tat occurs in my head tells me that if i little girl has to experience anything like that at the age of 11 then well she is not in fault that she had nothing to do with it basicly my reaction is the same as allof yours but then again when it comes to me i don.t understand why but it just seems that i brought iton myself .. If i think of all the things that prove to me that i was not to blame there is so many but it just doesn't seem like i had nothing to do in it cuz why would someone i love hurt meat the age of 11 kidsee life in black and white... eigther your good or your bad and if your good well then you can't do anything bad unless the person your doing it to really deserves it.. i thought he was good..
I do have some understanding of this aspect but in other parts of it i am lost.
yours trully ashley

 

[David Baxter PhD]

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You've hit upon the key, Ashley. Very young children are naturally egocentric - the world exists only as an extension of themselves. Thus, as a young child, if good things happen to me, it's because I am good; if bad things happen to me, it's because I am bad. As that child grows into late childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, that gradually changes, but it is a gradual process. At age 11, some of that thinking is still; present, especially when what is happening is distressing, frightening, or disturbing. When you think back to that time, or when something triggers a memory of that time, you don't react emotionally to the triggered memory as an adult but as an 11 year old - in a sense, you become that 11 year old again. That's why you can see things more objectively when it's about someone else but have difficulty doing the same thing when it's about you.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

thank you david, you make a very interesting point in that last post ... But what i don't understand is well is it possible to atually change my perception on this hole thing and seeing myself as okay not the only one to blame..when i watch on the news a little girl or boy that has been violated it disgust me and terorises me to think that such innocent children are being exploited but then again ..wasn't i innocent .. to me NO but poeple see me as another poor little girl but the way people say poor you makes me mad because i hate the pity .. i don't deserve it i see my abuse as punishment for a bad behavior and well i was not goingot ask what i did back then because well it would have only got matters worst so i thought because well if i didn't remeber what i did then he wuld be even more upset.. Some of my therapist think that i should go to the police and that would kind of help me put closure on it but the thing is my X passed away and well although his friends are still very much alive to my recolection i have no idea were they are nore there names and well they were just kid at the time they did not know what they were putting themselves into.i just want to know how i can learn to forgive myself for what happened and move on .. the worst thing in all of that is not the memories that come back but th voices that come back... when ever someone says .. be quit or don't cry or anything along that i freek out i hear it all over again and it trrorises me what can i do to begin to heal..
yours trully ashley

 

[David Baxter PhD]

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Yes, it is certainly possible. That's what therapies used to treat PTSD are all about.

 

[Heather]

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Ashley

Just wanted to say that I understand, I too see that all other children at that age don't bring it on themselves but still feel that I did bring it on myself, that is part of the guilt I guess.

Anyway as I said here if you wish to talk.

Heather...

 

[Ashley-Kate]

...

As my therapie moves along i am starting to understand a bit more why i think the way i do and well my psychologist is really great.. I told them that i could not stand them taking my side aying that i m the innocent one in all of this and she told me that they are not there to see whos the innocent one they are there to understand why i think ii am the bad one and they ae there to help me deal with it and leave it in my past.. it is really hard because no matter what i say they always seem to contradict me ..like when i told her that he loved me and that that was his way of expresing it she said with a sign of her head that no ..thatthere i so many other ways to show that you livesomeone withou hurting that person.. she also told me that do to my age i had to see things logicly.. i had to find a logic to everythingthat happened and she then told me that sometime there is no logic ...i still have a hard time to belive that.. i am scared because what they are trying to make me belive is that he was bad .. and in my head i am the one that was bad becaue i am the one that was punished and he wasn't and if he wasbad then he should have been .. believeing there logic to me just doesn't make sence...please someone help me make sence to all of this
yours trully ashley

 

[Lost]

confused

Maybe his death was his punishment...? Didn't you say he died of a drug overdose? That seems like a suitable ending for someone who did that to you.

Why are you so scared to realise that you are the GOOD one and that he was the bad one? Imagine i told you that at age 11 I had a 16 year old boyfriend who 'loved' me... and when he did stuff to me, he told me not to cry etc...
What would you think? Was it my fault? or HIS fault?

You know what, the answer is is it's NOBODY'S fault. Blaming others or yourself doesn't really get you anywhere anyway. And that's a logical conclusion. Don't think in 'blaming' terms. Try and see it for how it really was.
He was a compulsive 16 year old who didn't behave as he should have done, (even though it seemed like he was doing a good thing by loving you) and he probably had his own set of problems leading him to behave in that way... and you were the sweet young innocent girl whom he took advantage of.

 

[Heather]

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Lost while what you have said is mostly true it is easier said than done, take it from someone who has been through similiar to what Ashley is disccribing.

Heather...

 

[Lost]

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Isn't all advice more easily said than done...
<sigh>

having reread what I wrote I can see that I could have perhaps written in a more sensitive style, more like you Heather. apologies. thank god sexual abuse is one thing that I haven't been through so I'm not as empathetic as I should be.

Really, I just can't bear injustice. I really can't bear it. I can't understand how some people can sit with me and read the most ridiculously biased article in a newspaper, say, or witness something really unfair happen, and I'll be completely seething with rage to the point of feeling distraught at times, and they'll just nod and turn the page... or just continue with life.
And reading AshleyKate's posts, where not only was she taken advantage of unfairly, but she also doesn't want to think that it wasn't her fault, but she WANTS to think it's HER fault... it really gets to me!! And I can't understand it as well!
(I'm the first one to shift the blame off me! especially if it wasn't my fault!!)
(altho if I think a little more about my childhood I'm probably shouldering a lot more of the blame than I should be for my own history. anyway. I was just trying to help her see things more objectively.)

 

[Heather]

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Lost it is ok, I was just pointing out that it is easier said than done, don't worry about it, I am sure she is greatful for the time that you took to reply.

And you are right she is blaming herself and it isn't her fault.

Sorry if I sounded too harsh when I wrote back to you.

Heather...

 

[Lost]

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You sound sweet and soft and understanding. Not harsh at all. You have NOTHING to apologise for!!!

)

 

[Heather]

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Thanks Lost I appreciate that

 

[Ashley-Kate]

thanks

thank you for replying it was really kind of you and well Lost i understand you point of view while you are saying that if i was in your shoes well i would have thought "well that ass hole had no right" but i am not in your shoes nd i amthe one that lived iti was there i am aware of what i could have done or say.. no he did not dye of an over dose although he did use a lot he killed himself. I love him yes and i aways will he was th first guy i ever met and went ouut with so therefore i will always have feelings for him no matter what. Maybe that seems twisted or disgusting to some and i can try to understand but once you lived it once that little girl is you .your perception changes...Think as a child with the logic of a child...when you are a little girl you think good = congrad's and bad= punishment so i can only think what did i do cuz if he loved me he would not have hurt me without reason .. i could not turnto my parents cz well my fathers saying was"kids are meant to be seen and not heard" i had no one to explain so i lived with this perception for a vry long time i can't change the way i thinkover night.. yours trully ashley