OK, I'm aware that eating disorders are expressions of inner anxiety. I also know that it's very likely that people who suffer from an ed have had some sort of traumatic experience happen in their lives, or were made to feel that they couldn't express themselves properly. Or, were made to feel that their emotions were invalid.
OK, so what on earth is wrong with me? I suffered from anorexia and I still suffer the effects of it. But, I had a good childhood. I trusted my parents and family members, I wasn't sexually abused. I've tried so hard to remember experiences that made me feel uncomfortable, and tried to think if something really bad happened that I blocked out. But, honestly I think everything has happened as I remember it. The uncomfortable situations that I do remember were either not that bad or resolved fairly quickly. And certainly not as bad as many people experience in their lives.
I remember when I was a child, there were a few instances when I felt extremely guilty about something I had done (that was really minor) - but I cried and cried about these things, scaring my parents who thought something horrible was done to me. They would have to sit with me for maybe two hours and pry what happened out of me and I just felt like I couldn't speak. Finally they would get it out of me, and it would be something like - I talked in line at school today and I had to stand against the wall for the first time ever, or my friend and I went behind his mom's back and mixed juice with milk.
I've always had a hard time telling my parents what I did or how I felt, despite the fact that they made it known to me that they would never think I was bad and that they would always love me. It really frustrated them, because they WANTED me to talk to them.
My brother would come home from highschool and just lay everything out on the table about his day and what happened and how he was feeling. I would say "Hi" and go to my room. My parents didn't want that. I hated the question "How was school today?" I thought it was stupid. "Well, let's see, I went to Math class, then I went to English class.."
In highschool, it was like I was part of the popular group, but in the back ground at the same time. My friends were popular, but I felt I wasn't. I felt very average and it made me feel not special. When I liked a boy, I didn't know how to express it. For the first time, I couldn't just get an A or B in every class by simply showing up for class.
My confidence got higher in my last year of highschool. I lost a bit of weight and got a boyfriend who just thought I was amazing. University, lost more weight and had more confidence in myself physically. Then...I don't think I need to say more.
But, I guess what I'm trying to figure out is what made me have a hard time expressing myself. What made me feel guilty so easily? What made me listen to other people so much and let them define who I am? Especially since I grew up in a loving and stable home. I know there is never one answer - so many variables - nature, nurture, experiences inside and outside the home. I know, anyone will say that's what therapy is for, to understand better what is happening in your mind...But, does anyone have any insight on this?
OK, so what on earth is wrong with me? I suffered from anorexia and I still suffer the effects of it. But, I had a good childhood. I trusted my parents and family members, I wasn't sexually abused. I've tried so hard to remember experiences that made me feel uncomfortable, and tried to think if something really bad happened that I blocked out. But, honestly I think everything has happened as I remember it. The uncomfortable situations that I do remember were either not that bad or resolved fairly quickly. And certainly not as bad as many people experience in their lives.
I remember when I was a child, there were a few instances when I felt extremely guilty about something I had done (that was really minor) - but I cried and cried about these things, scaring my parents who thought something horrible was done to me. They would have to sit with me for maybe two hours and pry what happened out of me and I just felt like I couldn't speak. Finally they would get it out of me, and it would be something like - I talked in line at school today and I had to stand against the wall for the first time ever, or my friend and I went behind his mom's back and mixed juice with milk.
I've always had a hard time telling my parents what I did or how I felt, despite the fact that they made it known to me that they would never think I was bad and that they would always love me. It really frustrated them, because they WANTED me to talk to them.
My brother would come home from highschool and just lay everything out on the table about his day and what happened and how he was feeling. I would say "Hi" and go to my room. My parents didn't want that. I hated the question "How was school today?" I thought it was stupid. "Well, let's see, I went to Math class, then I went to English class.."
In highschool, it was like I was part of the popular group, but in the back ground at the same time. My friends were popular, but I felt I wasn't. I felt very average and it made me feel not special. When I liked a boy, I didn't know how to express it. For the first time, I couldn't just get an A or B in every class by simply showing up for class.
My confidence got higher in my last year of highschool. I lost a bit of weight and got a boyfriend who just thought I was amazing. University, lost more weight and had more confidence in myself physically. Then...I don't think I need to say more.
But, I guess what I'm trying to figure out is what made me have a hard time expressing myself. What made me feel guilty so easily? What made me listen to other people so much and let them define who I am? Especially since I grew up in a loving and stable home. I know there is never one answer - so many variables - nature, nurture, experiences inside and outside the home. I know, anyone will say that's what therapy is for, to understand better what is happening in your mind...But, does anyone have any insight on this?