Coping Tip of the Day

[Daniel E.]

The Loneliness and Shame of Feeling Invisible: How to Find Your Voice

A lot of people feel invisible. And for many different reasons.

What do I mean by "feeling invisible?" Like you don't matter. As if you aren't a vital part of things. As if you are being overlooked or seen only for what you can do instead of for who you are. You're an object - not a real human being. Shame can whisper to you that you're not worth as much as others - that you aren't acceptable, or welcome, or important. Your invisibility can begin to define you.

If it's part of depression, then some of that "invisibility" may be imagined or misperceived. Maybe you are important to people but you're taking their own lives being busy or not texting you back or whatever too personally. So that's an important distinction to make and you may want to check out your thinking with a therapist or someone you trust...


What to Do When You Feel Invisible

Take responsibility. It's too easy to blame others, and that never works. Even the people who are closest to you aren't responsible for how you feel. By taking responsibility, you can completely turn your perspective around. "My kids never call anymore" can be turned into "I'm glad my kids don't feel burdened by me."

 

[Daniel E.]

Are You Expecting Too Much from Your Partner?

The best way to approach a romantic partner is to let go of a fantasy of who that person should be and see them realistically for who they are. Our goal should not be to merge into one, but to come close together and connect in a way that is respectful and loving of the other as a separate being.

With this balance, we can appreciate the natural ebb and flow and give and take that comes from being two people sharing a meaningful experience. And we can empathize with their experience independent of ours. When we keep this as a principle for how we approach our relationships, we don’t just become more accepting of our partner’s inevitable weaknesses, but we feel a greater appreciation, a deeper attraction, and a more vital connection to their strengths.

 

[Daniel E.]

What is Productivity Guilt? (And How Can You Prevent It?)

 

[Daniel E.]

Stop Hiding Behind Complexity

...Part of our attraction to complexity is that you can hide behind it. Some examples where this trend is prevalent:

• Fitness
• Creativity
• Nutrition
• Building a company
• Relationships

The more complex you make something the easier it is to get excited about; talk about; and maybe even get started. But the harder it is to stick to over the long-haul. Complexity gives you excuses and ways out and endless options for switching things up all the time. Simplicity is different. You can't hide behind simplicity. You have to show up-day in, day out-and pound the stone.

If the approach you are following allows for consistency; follows some kind of periodization (stress + rest = growth); and is open to adaptation then it will probably be effective.

Do the work. Rest. Progressively make it harder. Tweak as needed. Repeat. Nothing complex about it. It's as simple and as hard as that.

 

[Daniel E.]

3 Mental Blocks That Keep You From Doing What You Say You Want to Do

“If you believe that at the core of success is talent and genetics, then this rookie mistake matters a lot; it’s the proof you need that you didn’t have what it takes.”

...Think of your intrinsic reason — the motivation behind why you’re doing what you say you want to do — as your own personal energy source. It’s there for you to tap into whenever you need it. And you will need it. Crowell says, “If the work you want to do is hard, there will be urges in the moment to quit, and it is intrinsic interest that keeps you focused on the steps you need to take.”

3 reasons you aren’t doing what you say you will do | Amanda Crowell | TEDxHarrisburg - YouTube

 

[Daniel E.]

Why Your Brain Loves Procrastination

[Peter] Gollwitzer and his colleagues for years have shown us that implementation intentions make a huge difference to even deal with things like distractions.

Implementation intentions take the form of “If, then.” “If the phone rings, then I’m not going to answer it.” “If my friends call me to say we’re going out, I’m going to say no.” So you’ve already made this pre-commitment.

You can use implementation intentions to keep yourself focused: “If I’ve finished this part of the article, then I’m going to immediately turn my attention to reading the next part.”

 

[Daniel E.]

Surprising Ways to Beat Anxiety and Become Mentally Strong

"Do it badly" as a motto gives you the courage to try new things, adds a little fun to everything, and stops you worrying too much about the outcome. It's about doing it badly today and improving as you go. Ultimately, it's about liberation.

 

[Daniel E.]

Why Talented People Don't Use Their Strengths

What compliments do you dismiss? When we're inherently good at something, we tend to downplay it. "Oh, it was nothing," we say -- and maybe it was nothing to us. But it meant something to another person, which is why they're thanking you. Notice these moments: They can point to strengths that you underrate in yourself but are valuable to others.

 

[Daniel E.]

How to Be More Optimistic -- NYTimes.com

Constantly expecting the worst? According to Laura Oliff, associate director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, it might be because you're hoping to protect yourself from disappointment.

But by trying to insulate yourself from life's ups and downs, you're missing out on something else, too: the "positive anticipation of events," which Dr. Oliff called a "very valuable" and "joyful" feeling. (For proof, just think about the pleasure of anticipating a vacation.)

As Dr. Oliff pointed out, "You'll be disappointed at times no matter what." So if your choice is between positive expectations that are occasionally proven wrong or negative expectations that are occasionally proven right, you might as well go with the former.

While this mind-set shift is easier described than done, Dr. Oliff said it can help to remember that "many of the negative things we predict never actually happen" -- and that, even when they do, we usually recover pretty quickly.

 

[Daniel E.]

 

[Daniel E.]

A Hot Bath Has Benefits Similar to Exercise

...Cycling resulted in more calories being burned compared with a hot bath, but bathing resulted in about as many calories being burned as a half-hour walk (around 140 calories). The overall blood sugar response to both conditions was similar, but peak blood sugar after eating was about 10 percent lower when participants took a hot bath compared with when they exercised.

We also showed changes to the inflammatory response similar to that following exercise. The anti-inflammatory response to exercise is important as it helps to protect us against infection and illness, but chronic inflammation is associated with a reduced ability to fight off diseases. This suggests that repeated passive heating may contribute to reducing chronic inflammation, which is often present with long-term diseases, such as type 2 diabetes.

 

[Daniel E.]

The Work of Byron Katie

As a species, we human beings tend to put our happiness on hold until something changes. We'll be happy, we think, when we get what we believe we want or need: more money, a healthier body, a more attractive or understanding partner, a loving mother, children who behave. Many of us spend our lives trying desperately to get the world and the people in it to satisfy our desires. No wonder we don't feel any lasting sense of peace; mentally we're continually engaged in war with reality.

In 1986, Byron Katie experienced the profound realization that without any story about how life is supposed to be, we are left with peace far beyond what we hoped to find through wish fulfillment. On the other side of our myths about reality is reality itself, indescribably joyful - and unknowable as long as we keep trying to change it. Only when we give up "what should be" can we experience the perfection of "what is."

 

[Daniel E.]

Don't find comfort in stress eating

Being aware of the consequences of stress eating is the first step in eliminating it as a problem...

"If you go out to eat, think ahead of time what particular food you are going to consume so you are not going to be swayed by somebody else," said Merey, who has her clients maintain a diet diary.

"They realize, 'Oh yeah, every time my mother-in-law says something nasty to me, I open the refrigerator and I eat everything that is there,' " Merey said. The bariatrics specialist also advises clients to stay away from the bakery and other areas of the grocery store filled with diet-busting foods.

Rather than eating to ease frustrations, Merey suggests exercise or treating oneself with a small present.

DeRosimo suggests exercise and professional counseling as ways to combat unhealthful eating habits. Reading a behavior modification book might be helpful, DeRosimo said.

"It's been a very difficult time," DeRosimo said. "Remember you are not alone. Everyone is experiencing the same thing to a certain degree."

 

[Daniel E.]

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/29/smarter-living/coronavirus-how-to-stay-optimistic-.html

When we find ourselves cycling through negative thoughts that don’t go anywhere, it’s important to take a step back to disrupt the cycle of anxiety, Ms. Marston said. “This can include stopping and focusing on our breath rather than on our thoughts, changing our physical environment to help create distance from our initial mental space, or having a conversation with someone we trust to get a fresh perspective.”...

Optimism is about giving yourself permission to hope, even if you feel extremely anxious, unhappy or fearful. It’s not about ignoring your negative feelings about the crisis, but about finding a way to keep them from overwhelming you.

 

[Daniel E.]

 

[Daniel E.]

Coronavirus pandemic may lead to 75,000 "deaths of despair" from suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, study says - CBS News

"Don't worry so much about productivity. Be lazy. You don't have to learn another language. But you do have to give yourself permission to feel your emotions," Aoun said. "If you try to suppress your emotions or numb them with drugs or alcohol, it prevents you from processing your emotions and being able to move past them."

 

[Daniel E.]

What It Means When Someone Tells You 'You're Too Sensitive'

"It's always smart to think that what you're feeling absolutely has validity because it almost always does, unless you're psychotic," Page says. "If I can't honor my own feelings then I am sadomasochistic and self-loathing, or a pressure cooker that will eventually blow. If I can say, 'Yeah, this really did happen,' I can breathe a sigh of relief."

So go ahead and honor your feelings without worrying about being oversensitive or crazy, he says: "If you're feeling like something is off, you're probably right."

And, consider this: Any issue around which you are particularly sensitive is likely to be what Page calls a "core gift"--something about yourself that is precious and essential to who you are. It might even be your sensitivity. After all, what's really so bad about being sensitive?

...Maybe you do overreact sometimes. But the people who love you understand this, honor it as best they can, and give you room to have your feelings and work them out--alone or together with them, as necessary. If someone ignores or shames you for your reactions, that person might be capable of gaslighting you.

"That's the person you don't want around"

 

[Daniel E.]

 

[Daniel E.]

7 Tips for Dealing with Life if You Can't Afford A Therapist

Have firm non-negotiables.

I believe we all negotiate too much. In our jobs, our relationships, our boundaries, our time, our passions, our health and our happiness. But consider this: without non-negotiables, you are flimsy. You don't have a center of gravity. You do not know who you are. If you don't know who you are, how will you know where you are going? You become a piece of drift wood floating in the ocean. You are lost and stagnant. You compromise your needs. You get into abusive relationships. You fall into depression. You begin to believe you are worthless.

So what are the things you are no longer willing to negotiate about yourself? Here are some examples: I will always be heard. I will always create a space to pursue my passions in some form.

 

[Daniel E.]

From Yoga for Pain Relief
by Kelly McGonigal, PhD

Neck Stretch

Releases: Tension in the neck and shoulders.

Drop one ear toward the shoulder on that side. Bring your hand to rest on your chest, right underneath the collarbone. Feel the subtle movement of the breath under your hand. Stay for five to ten breaths.

After the chest and neck stretches, bring both hands to rest on your chest. Imagine directing the movement of the breath to your hands. As you inhale, feel the chest expand. As you exhale, feel it drop. Then bring one hand to your belly and feel both the chest and belly expand as you inhale and contract as you exhale. Enjoy the movement of the breath in the front body.