Coping with a Narcissistic Mother

[Claire]

I am desperate for help and do not know where to turn. I stumbled across this site looking for help with emotionally abusive mothers because I have just reached a point to where I can take no more. I am usually able to get my points/questions across quite well, but fear that in the state I'm in at the moment it all may be incomprehensible. I am sorry if that is the case.

In the past few days, I have had to see my mother for less than 5 minutes, send one e-mail and got one in return. I am worn out mentally, emotionally and physically and feel like an empty shell. From reading one e-mail from her, I am paralyzed in fear and can't seem to move in one direction or another. There is no comfort in sleep because she is there in nightmares, too. My purse is filled with drugs for pain, depression, and anxiety, but there's no relief in them either. There's no way to avoid her in my mind. Wherever I go she seems to be there like a dark cloud (a lot worse but no words to describe acurately) that persists. The words echo continually like a dripping faucet. I want to claw her out of my insides, but I can't.

I am 43 years old. My mother had five children and only three were left who would speak to her. The other two would call her only at my urging them to do so because I felt that it was the right thing to do. When they would call her, it was -- every time -- turned in to doing something for her or either downing them to such a point that they said, "Never again," again.

When we were children we all took the abuse and was made to think it was normal and how grateful we should have been for such a wonderfully abusive home. Everything about it was abusive. There was even the sexually abusive step-father to chuck in on top of everything else. Who, now I'm told by my dear mother, did NOT sexually molest her daughters. Um. YES, he did, and she darned well knew about it because one time I remember it happening when me and my sister were made to lie in the bed with her and my step-father while watching, of all things, the movie "Sybil," while he took turns putting his hands on me and then my sister, and then back to the other one, all the while my mother right beside us in the same bed.

My two sisters fled years ago and one hasn't been heard from for years and is probably dead. But, all my mother can say to that is, "Oh, she was such a bad person." That is, when she's not saying it about me or one of the other children she decided to bring into this world.

I am keeping myself away from my own daughter at the moment because I don't feel like I'm fit enough to be around her. She is in the dining room playing on the computer and all I can do is walk in and hug her and ask a few things about what she's doing, and then walk out again before this inner rage of mine begins to show. She is grown and knows a lot about what's been going on - as she was central to the latest round - but, I can't just keep avoiding her in fear that words will fall out of my mouth about my mother that she (my daughter) doesn't need to hear.

Really, I thought I was over all of this a couple of days ago. No, but REALLY, I thought years ago I was over it. NO. After all the years of struggle I find that just a minute around the woman drives me miles into a black hole where I can't see daylight and cannot grab hold of anything to climb out. What is there to grab hold of???

For the first time in my life I am angry about the things happened and about my mother's hateful, spiteful, evil, mean, cruel comments and her famously callous cold shoulder. I want to vomit. I want to pour all of this out and shout at her: "CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?!? CAN YOU NOT AT THE VERY LEAST PRETEND FOR A TENTH OF A SECOND THAT YOU MIGHT LIKE AN ITSY BITSY FRACTION OF A HAIR OF SOMETHING ABOUT ME??? CAN YOU NOT JUST FAKE IT ONCE IN YOUR LIFE BEFORE ONE OF US DIES??? HOW DID YOU GET TO BE A MOTHER AND JUST WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!"

I want to actually hate her for a minute just to see what it feels like but I'm afraid it may feel too good and I will stay there.

I need to allow the good relationships in my life to overcome all the bad with her, but it seems like she colors every aspect of every breath I take. I feel like I am holding my breath underwater and fear coming up for air.

Too bad, really, because I know that in a week or a month when she needs something really badly she'll call and give me a hint of a whiff of a mother and I will go running to her so that I can get stomped in the ground again and told how bad I really am and how she's so ashamed of her kids and especially me, and how I especially am just so mean to her. Hell, I'm ashamed of me, too, because I keep going back for more of the same.

How can I possibly be any good for my daughter who has now been affected by her when I can't even get myself calmed down? I want to cry or scream or something, but nothing will come out of me, and it's been days since I read her words. I am ashamed of myself as a mother because I really was stupid enough to think that my mother had changed and would never cross the line with my daughter who, even though she is grown, is the most precious, sweetest, most loving and kind child a person could pray to have, is still a child to me - MY child.

There's no way I can find any good in myself at the moment. All the words from her keep flooding over me every time I try to raise my head up and set to a task. I can't shake her loose from me.

Will it ever be that I am free from her completely? Even when I've cut all communication with her, I have lived with her constantly berating me and telling me how bad I was because I was living on the streets when I was 14 -- because she threw me out of the house??? I was bad because of the horrible things that happened to me and what people will do to a young girl who is tossed to the wolves? I CAUSED IT, MOM???

And I was sick enough to still love her.

Yes. After venting all of this rage, that's what it still boils down to: I am sick enough to want even the worst of her over nothing at all.


Is there a cure for that?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There's no way I can find any good in myself at the moment.

I've limited time at the moment but the obvious observation of course is that in thinking/feeling this way you are giving credence to her words where none should be given, and you are turning anger that comes from her and needs to be directed back at her onto yourself instead.

She is not going to change. Why would she have any incentive or motivation to change when she is "perfect' just the way she is? Anything wrong in her life is someone else's fault. And it will always be that way.

But you can change. And you can help to insulate your daughter from all of the venom. That's where your focus needs to be.

 

[Frazzled]

For the past 3 years, my husband and I have been dealing with a situation with my mother.

I am 39 years old and have been controlled by my mother since I can remember. We had a disagreement 3 years ago that involved my sister's father-in-law. He is another issue in and upon himself but I don't really care to deal with his problems. My husband and I decided to make a boundary after discussing with a counselor to not have him in our lives. My mother insists that we accept him and be around him. He has done innumerous things to my family that are vast and require too much time.

They will not respect the boundary and have started with the bullying behavior to strong arm us back in line. I have stood firm with the support of my loving husband but that seems to have unleashed a great amount of abuse from my mother. She accuses me of things she is doing, she says nasty things that aren't true and when we withdraw she accuses us of seperating ourselves. I have "seperated myself" as the only source of protection. My 14 year old son has not been immune from her either. He has been accused of saying disrespectful things to her, which might I say is not true.

The entire situation was witnessed by another adult and 3 teens. My mother says I control my husband, of which I do not but she controls my father's every breath. She says nasty things and in the next breath denies them. I find it really difficult to mend fences with her because there has been no bottom to her cruel statements and false accusations.

She has excluded us from family functions and then gets mad because we weren't there. She lies constantly about everything even when she doesn't have too. She puts my sister's father-in-law higher on the priority list than me as her daughter. There is so much that has happened I have a difficult time writing it out for people to read without jumping from subject to subject.

We have tried group therapy, to no avail. Momma is a good actress. I am at the end of my rope with being able to save the relationship with her but I am still not willing to shut that door although all advice collumns say run away as fast as you can.

I am hoping that someone has a suggestion on how to deal with this.

Thanks for your ear.

Frazzled

 

[SueW]

I really think this should say Coping with a Psychopathic Mother. As I said in a previous post on the Narcissistic Personality, there is not a lot of difference but there are some important nuances setting the two disorders apart:

As opposed to most narcissists, psychopaths are either unable or unwilling to control their impulses or to delay gratification. They use their rage to control people and manipulate them into submission.

Read more at Suite101: Narcissist vs. Psychopath: Merely Sources of Supply Narcissist vs. Psychopath: Merely Sources of Supply

I think western culture has a problem seeing mothers as psychopaths and this is probably based on the fact that the underpinnings of such a culture is based on religion which sees mothers as all caring and sees women as generally not as capable as men at being aggressive or destructive.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

And as I said in my reply to your other post, the articles here on Narcissistic Personality Disorder refer to NPD criteria in DSM-IV-TR. Whether the two personbailty disorders will both remain in DSM5 is as yet unsettled.

 

[Frazzled]

I suppose you are right. It is difficult to think about a family member having a disorder that also has so many stigmas attached and I think that they may be a "guilt by association" situation with me. I am saddened by this because I always thought my family was somewhat normal until I bucked the system that my mother has established. I also know that my father is very aware of what is happening and is unwilling, whether it be self preservation or fear, does not do or say anything. I know he is aware because of some of my observations when my mother is not around. I hope that one day someone will wake up in the middle of the night and see it for what it is. My father is older and let's face it, his days for life are numbered. I fear that we are not going to be able to have some resolve before something happens to him. I know I will be devastated but I feel like we are at an impass. I am exhausted with having to defend myself constantly with him and the family who seem to find it so easy to believe her BS. Is distancing myself the most effective form of defense?

 

[SueW]

Hello Frazzled,
It sounds a very emotionally painful situation you are in. I can certainly identify with you. You asked whether distancing yourself is the most effective form of defense? I cannot answer for you because only you know what you can do. For me, distancing myself completely was the only option. I did it a long time ago and moved without telling her. I always had the option of contacting her but never did because life was just so peaceful and stable and I was not anxious anymore. It had got to such a point that the emotional pain was just too great. I really cannot say too much in detail here for many reasons and because these posts come up on google search. However, I can recommend a brilliant website and forum called Aftermath where the posts are very private.

Hope David doesn't mind me putting the link on. Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy Foundation*|*A non-profit organization providing information and support for victims of psychopathy The site is actually down at the moment but should be back soon as they have had problem before and come back.

Narcissists/ psychopaths are very good at pity play and pressing our 'guilt buttons'. Couple this with western culture that sees mothers as being caring and protective and sees women as incapable of aggression and you are pretty set up for a lot of emotional pain because many would think it is you who is the crazy one rather than the actual person who has the disorder.

Hope this helps

---------- Post added March 6th, 2011 at 12:56 PM ---------- Previous post was March 5th, 2011 at 11:42 PM ----------

Hello Claire,

I know your post was some months ago now but I have just become reacquainted with the site again (and sorry) I missed your post when I replied to Frazzled.
In response to what you said, I can identify with you very much. I can't put too many details in this post (for fear of id) because these posts are searchable by google. My mother and your mother could be the same person from what you describe. As I said to Frazzled earlier, for me, distancing myself completely was the only option (for me). When I last saw her, my mother was very manipulative, never ever took responsibility for her own actions (unless it made her look good) and always blamed somebody else if something was her fault. I have not seen her in many years, and compared to how it was, life is bliss. I totally agree with David when he says "thinking/feeling this way you are giving credence to her words where none should be given, and you are turning anger that comes from her and needs to be directed back at her onto yourself instead." If you can distance yourself emotionally and psychologically from her you stand a better chance of feeling good about yourself. For me distancing myself physically was the only way because when I did move she used to turn up unannounced at the door and stalk me. I had to see a lawyer to stop the harassment. Please contact me privately if you want as I can't say much more on here.

 

[SueW]

The Bad Mommy Taboo (an excerpt from When You and Your Mother Can't be Friends by Victoria Secunda)

‘It’s interesting how people react when you tell them you don’t talk to your mother. I happened to mention it over dinner one night to a guy I was dating. He said, “Is she alive?” I said, “Yes.”

He just stared at me. Then he said, “What do you mean you don’t talk to her?” I said, “We don’t speak on the phone, and I don’t see her.”

“At all?’

“At all.”

“How long?’

“Six years.”

He started cutting the rice on his plate. He didn’t say anything more, he just kept absently cutting his rice, like he couldn’t process all this. Finally, I said, “Let’s change the subject.” We stopped going out after that.’

-Erin, forty-two

‘Mother.” To most of us, the word conjures up cozy visions of homespun family life - mother with an infant at her breast, mother making cookies, mother tenderly tending to a feverish child, mother sympathetically listening to our trajedies, mother as our champion. That’s what mother is supposed to be – either in how we experience her, or pretend she is, or long for her to be.

But to some of us, “mother” carries with it more sobering visions – mother as degrader, mother as critic, mother as martyr, mother as withholder of sanction and sanctuary. This is not the mother of anyone’s wistful reverie – this is the mother of painful, sometimes intimidating , even frightening experience.

People who have good mommies chorus that fact; people who don’t often keep it a secret.

Sometimes they even tell lies.

 

[Frazzled]

Claire,
I am so sorry for what has been happening, I wish that we (Sue, myself and you) didn't have to be subjected to this. I am sure in the grand scheme of things that there is some reason we are suffering with this. I search my mind every day trying to figure out why me? I long for the relationship that I see other people have and I cry at the stupid commercials on TV, which makes me angry with myself.

I have a hard time with the fact that these people think they can say anything to you and you expected not to react adversely. If the tables were turned I am certain that the reaction would be much worse coming from them. I have to say that a lot of things that my mother has said to me has been unprovoked or just plain over the top for what I have said.

It doesn't shock me that your mother denies the things that has happened because she can't admit to herself that she failed you and they can never admit failure. That is unacceptable for these images of perfection that they give themselves. Sickening but unfortunately not that exclusive. I have had to watch this behavior from my mother and my sister. The urge to vomit has been hard to fight for me as well.

Please know you are not alone and dealing with the anger and resentment for me has been a long battle. I hope you find peace.

Frazzled

 

[SueW]

Frazzled, forgive me if I am wrong, but I sense there is some self-blame there. I wish to say to you that none of it is your fault; please don't blame yourself.

I am sure in the grand scheme of things that there is some reason we are suffering with this.

Frazzled, I believe the reason for this is simply that people who are narcissistic have different 'brain wiring' than most of us. They way I see it, it's like they are born without a conscience (they lack empathy, lack regard for others and are not genuine with others or themselves) and without normal emotions in that they do not feel hurt or feel love . They may say they do but it is sham emotion. Narcissists instinctively think of themselves without caring for others.
We, on the other hand, (non-narcissists) instinctively think of others in what we do and I do mean instinctively; we don't even think about it. Paradoxically, a narcissist 'needs' others to have a conscience; they are abusers of our conscience and it is that which makes living with narcissists so painful. That is the reason as I see it. I do not believe for one second that there is some higher power making it happen or picking on you.

I search my mind every day trying to figure out why me?

I can identify with that and I used to think that. However, I don't think there is some higher power picking on you/us. To me it is just a simple fact that our mothers were born with 'faulty brain wiring' whereas we were born with normal emotions and conscience. Just like some people are born with a physical disability (that you can see) some people are born with an emotional inability (that you can't see). That's my opinion which is based on experience and others' research.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Oh hey, I'm with Sue. Don't blame yourself. The only one to blame is her.

I too had/have difficulty at times. I even sometimes ask mySELF if I'm being unreasonable. My mom has even said things like "I'm your mother so you have to love me." Or "We're family, so if someone in our family does something wrong, we forget about it and forgive and move on, because that's what families do." I made the mistake of telling some people I thought were my friends, and they now kind of act quite aloof to me. I know one friend who has a dad like my mom, though, so at least he knows what I'm talking about.

But then I just remember some of the things she did and still does. I used to think, "Her heart's in the right place, but her nose isn't." But now I she never really looked out for MY well-being. If she did do something nice, it was usually a bribe, or had some unspoken contract in tiny print that only HER eyes could see. Some sort of clause she could fall back on and wave in front of my face: "Well we give you this and that and the other thing, so you have to do what I want."

They were moving for instance and instead of taking extra stuff with them, and instead of putting ads in the papers or something, they 'gave' us a few items. Mostly broken lawn ornaments (that kind of look like they might have been thrown or dropped)... A few pots and plants to transplant. The two nice items we were 'given' were a lawnmower and a snowblower. We were especially thrilled about the snowblower because it was a disgustingly snowy winter this past year. Heck some poor folks west of us were pumelled again a couple days ago with 2 feet of snow and lost power and such. Oh and did I mention that we refused to let my parents stay at our house for a week when they came back to make final preparations to sell their house? My husband and I put aside several hours of one day (because we knew that would be all we could possibly handle, if that) to visit with them. We honestly said our house is too small and only has one bathroom (my mom made every excuse in the book and begged and pleaded and tried the old 'we did this for you' routine but we stuck to our guns).

Anyway my mom still has several houses here where she used to live (and that's a whole other story; after I found out she was moving I had to rush to get my name off the title to a house my parents and I were on title to) and one of the property managers is a slight woman who uses a shovel to shovel the walk and driveway. Apparently it takes this lady 45 min to an hour to clear the driveway and walk (and my mom mentioned she could use the money, and her husband has MS, blah blah blah). So my mom tried to get my husband to take this heavy snowblower while doing his guitar lessons and then expected us to come and pick it up and drop it off on her whim. I pointed out: my husband doesn't have time to drop off a heavy snowblower or load it in the car by himself between guitar lessons; my husband has very bad joints and has had 2 back surgeries so in the meantime if there is another blizzard, I get to do all the manual shoveling or he helps and pays for it with pain for a week.

Then I said to my husband, "Well honey, why don't we take it down there and just leave it and we'll get [our own] snowblower."

Well then my mom was backpedaling and probably reverse backstroking and other verbal fumblings because of COURSE she didn't want to look bad. But just to be sure I emailed them an email mentioning that I wanted to ensure that the lawnmower and the snowblower were, in fact, ours, because if that wasn't the case we could sell the equipment and give them the money and then get our own lawnmower and snowblower. So my mom left a lengthy voicemail (this was before we blocked her) about OF COURSE those were actual gifts and OF COURSE she didn't expect us to drop everything etc...

Anyway, the turning point for me was when my mom called us one morning, and rang two times and hung up. I was thinking, uh-oh. I better call back right away rather than let her call us back and leave 10 messages if we're out, or just not to have this thought hanging over my head all day that she's going to call and it's gonna be a weird phone call if she's already hanging up after two rings...

So I called. Turns out she was watching one of her religious shows, the ones where we aren't allowed to talk or she'll shush us and she blares at the loudest possible volume so she can somehow keep focused on the program without being distracted. Well, I guess she was calling to get ME to check in our local newspaper (she's living two provinces away, now, remember) to make sure the ad for rental was worded properly. I tried to help, and apparently did a miserable job, because her tone of voice made me so angry I hung up on her and refused to call back or pick up the phone when she called back. THAT was when I said, forget it. It doesn't even matter that she's so far away, she can still push my buttons and make me feel like crap about myself.

It's different for everyone. But I've been getting information and feeding my validation and gaining confidence and this forum totally rocks! I feel better at least when I can comfort other people going through some of the things I've gone through and not quite at the point I'm at. Who knows I might completely drop them from my life, but it seems to be a slow process.

I didn't rip off the bandaid, I'm just slowly building up a wall I'm working on between me and my mother. SHE's providing the bricks and the mortar. I'm just using the crap she throws at me to build the wall.

 

[ivy]

OMG Hi everyone !! I feel so normal for once . I two will be distanting away from both my parents. They are both NPD. They drive me crazy they both gaslight everrything. Recently I confront my mother and she went into a rage. Screaming and telling me that those memories were all lies!! I got so upset. Iam 48 years old, my brother is the golden child gone wrong he's 40 years old. Who was supose to be a dentist and take care of her. He turn to drugs he couldn't live up tp her expectations his choice of drugs crack and anything esle. I became a teacher i love children and love to help people in need. I have two children one 27years old and a daughter who is 10 years old. I've been married for 28 years. My father has NPD too. when i was younger he would beat me punch me slap me. My wonderful mother would tell all kinds of bs and he would be ready to beat me while she was doing dishing she never heard a thing. and when i was 12years old and he started coming into my room to wake me in the morning with a slap and a personal rub on my ass. where was she doing dishes i guess she never heard me scream at him and tell him to stop. Thank God i was the bad child the big mouth or i feel he would have sexually molested me .So what did he do instead he beat me, told me i was ugly no man would ever look at me. And my wonderful mom also said it , she only has a nice body but her face is ugly. my brother was the good looking child she said he looked like her each and everytime. God forbid anyone would say i look like her she would go into a rage. All my friends were better then me or pretttier then me. Even princcess Diana .What a crock they were not royal how in hell could i compete with her LOL i would tell myself their crazy!!! What shock when i was told how pretty i was i just could't believe it i mean strangers find me pretty and my own parents didn't how confusing is that!!! There is more but i would take forever!! You'll get to know me as we go along Thank you for listening and i know in my heart i must have no contact. I doing that slowly my nar-mom is not talking to me right now what a blessing neither is my dad. I feel so much better they can't mess with my head. But i sure she"LL start calling soon. I'm planning on moving far away. talk to all of you soon thank you i now know i'm not going crazy they are.

 

[Frazzled]

I really don't understand why these people are not called out for their lies. There have been other people that have witnessed my nm's lies and don't say a word, they just let keep talking and talking them into things that are so out of character for me. I am no saint but I would never even dream of doing the things my nm is accusing me of, even when I am at my angriest.

If you can move far away, go for it! I feel it may be easier to handle walking away if you can get some distance between you. I know it would have been easier for me since my nm lives 15 minutes down the road. I am not looking forward my next exposure to her because I still have anxiety because of it. It's not going to be pretty! Hang in there. Do the best you can and give yourself a break.

 

[jodijaye]

wow im not shocked but jeeesh,my mom i love her but cant see or talk to her without nightmares triggered...She sent me to my grandparents home every weekend even after she caught him molesting me,but they had money my mom did not ,so i was used til i was 9yrs,got my peroid young.then she beat til i ran away at 17yrs,yrs later i forgave her and we became pals,but not once has she acknowledge her part,she never will,cant make her do stuff,i cant only forgive her and myself and move forward,took along time and im still mad inside(how can a mom do that) I cant drink booze or it comes out nasty...so i dont!! I feel sorry for her to live with her bad choices and thats good enough for me.Guilt is a killer....i have none!Im completely differant than her,I never hit my son,talked everything out,she said im crazy,well if the love i have with my son is crazy then so be it.Im still dealing with the sex part of abuse,my man now is very good about my hang ups,though i wish i can do better for him.I stay far from my trigger mom,love her from afar is all i can do for me!!!

 

[Frazzled]

I think they see us as inanimate objects. Like we aren't people unless they are with us or need us. We just stop doing anything unless it is to be for them. I have referred myself to my nm as her dancing monkey. When she wants to be entertained she takes me off of the shelf and when she is tired or bored she puts me back. Right now I don't exist to her because I won't return to her and be 100% on board with what she wants and the way she wants to act. Being away from her is so much better but I still have to tell my heart that sometimes. It still feels unnatural to be so seperated. I know it was a wierd co-dependence thing. The conditioning is still hard to break.

I turned the other cheek and forgave my nm for years too and one day she crossed my line that I had subconciously set and that was not doing this to my husband and son. It is one thing when you do it to me but another thing entirely when you do it to a child. I have never been so mad in all my life and still couldn't drop the boom on her.

We are different than our nm's and I'll will do anything I can to break the cycle she started. I hope things go well for you too.

 

[Phrenics]

I read an article the other day about narcissism and half of it described my mother. I always knew there was something not quite right about her and over the years, reading, learning, trying to find out why I was so damaged and discovering that I had suffered psychological abuse and neglect. Always trying to make sense out of it, making excuses for her behaviour because she also suffered abuse as a child. But it still didn’t make sense because you would think that someone who had suffered abuse would want something different for her children. Now I’m beginning to realize that she is never going to change, never going to admit the way she treated us and continues to treat us with her constant criticism, projections and invalidation. It’s still frustrating, the arguments, like trying to squeeze emotions from a stone. Having to deal with her is emotionally exhausting so I have minimum contact. If I do have to see her, I practice mindfulness. Just be aware at all times that you are dealing with a mentally deranged person and that all that rubbish that she spouts at you has nothing to do with you but says more about her delusional mind.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

In other words, always "consider the source".

 

[wheelchairdemon]

I am desperate for help and do not know where to turn. I stumbled across this site looking for help with emotionally abusive mothers because I have just reached a point to where I can take no more. I am usually able to get my points/questions across quite well, but fear that in the state I'm in at the moment it all may be incomprehensible. I am sorry if that is the case.

Claire, I'm no diagnostician, but if you think narcissism is behind the problems you're facing, let me recommend a book I just bought recently that really shed some insight on the damage that can be caused by parents.

I had no idea, until I stumbled on the post, Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers, that my parents had a lot of negative influence on my life.

That thread led me to buy a book. I got curious and Googled Narcissism and that's how I found this particular one. The book is entitled, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Karyl McBride.

That book and the post have led me on an incredible journey of self-healing.

That is because the book is so well laid out. It asks you to answer a bunch of questions about yourself and your reactions to things, explains how narcissism can manifest itself in a way that looks normal to outsiders, and can make it almost impossible to be believed by the people you are turning to to seek help, and then explains how professionals, the other parent (because it's not always mothers), siblings, and outsiders can miss seeing what kind of negative influences are going on.

I initially bought this book as an audio book, but after hearing how good it is, I've decided to buy the paperback, so I can fill in notes in the note section and write comments in the margins.

After reading that book I have gone through my entire medical file - some of it from as far back as the 70's - and discovered how frequently my parents were interferring. I found letters my parents wrote to the psychiatrists, evidence of multiple certifications (commitals) to hospital by my parents, psychiatry notes that made it clear they were listening to, and believed, what my parents said about me and were treating me for accordingly, etc.

It wasn't until my Mom died in 1999 that I got better and was able to leave the psychiatric system, that I'd been in for 22 years, behind. I had no idea how much she was interferring or how the outcome of that, was weighing me down. Unfortunately Mom and Dad were both professionals - mom in the medical field and dad in the legal field, so what they said, was held out to be a lot more credible than what I said.

The biggest challenge I've ever had in my life, but probably the best one in that it led to growth, was when the medications finally caused enough nerve damage that I can no longer walk and I had to start using a wheelchair. The group home I was living in was not wheelchair accessible, so I was forced to move out and into the hospital. I had no idea how wrong that was; that they had a duty to accommodate.

Anyhow, after 6 months in hospital I was discharged into an apartment that I couldn't afford, was given no rehab or help to accommodate for the wheelchair, and told I had to learn how to live on my own. This is no easy feat for someone who had always been living with family, an institution, or group home for my entire life, but thankfully I did it.

A few years after that Mom died, and that was when things started to turn around and I got better. Dad still meddles and now my brother has taken it upon himself to write my doctor from time to time. However, I no longer have a psychiatrist so my family doctor ignores him. I left psychiatry behind for good in 2004.

I'm healthier than ever and, believe it or not, happy.

Now that I know how insidious narcissism can be, believe it or not, I don't blame the professionals. I don't even blame my parents. They couldn't see what they were doing.

The sad part is, it's very hard to see that there is a problem when the parents are high functioning and so are the siblings. In narcissism you are told all the things you do wrong; how you don't measure up, how you're the one at fault for your own demise etc, so I was convinced 100% that I was the one who was at fault for causing my problems. Not even the therapists taught me otherwise. When I self-blamed I was diagnosed in the early 80's by psychiatrists, one of whom landed in jail, and two more, who eventually lost their license to practice medicine, as having a borderline personality disorder.

That diagnosis just added to my belief that I was guilty for causing my own problems. How can you go to a therapist and state otherwise, when you don't know it yourself or worse, the professionals believe what your parents say about you even when you're an adult who is no longer living at home. You can't.

There are some professionals I do actually blame because sadly, on reading my medical files, I found some really serious problems, but for the most part it is clear that the source of the problem (my family) was very hard to see.

The good news is, I finally found that dismissive file by a psychiatrist, and some very positive records by the family doctor I credit with saving my life from that system, and with this newfound knowledge about narcissism, I now feel I have the strength to put the past behind me once and for all.

I will be taking the letters that I found in my chart from the psychiatrists, the good family doctor, my Mom, a rogue psychologist who was hired by my family and told them what they wanted to hear, even though the test results clearly showed otherwise, to my family doctor, a lawyer, and/or the information and privacy office to ask for help to bury all that wrong information. Psychological tests were done in 2004 that clearly show I no longer have a mental illness and I've been off medication and away from the system for years, so hopefully that record should be allowed to stand.

Over time I have learned what the truth is, where things went to wrong, and learned how to celebrate the growth I've made on my own so I can move on.It's a really nice feeling to know you grew fully on your own despite your family and the lack of appropriate medical help. I still need to heal more emotionally, but I believe that will come over time. The healing has been coming in leaps and bounds as of late.

My family doctor has already written several letters to lawyers asking for their help to set the record straight, but sadly there are no doctors in my community who will take this case on.

I'm sharing this little piece about my background in order to show how insidious things can be. I also want to show you there's hope.

There doesn't need to be letters on file from your parents or even contact between your parents and your doctors, for your family to still be having a negative influence on you. The book or that article on the forum, Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers, can explain it a lot better than I.

Good luck in your healing journey.