Crying all the time

[X_Rage_X]

Something is seriously wrong with me. I have been an overly emotional person my whole life and now at 25 i definitely see myself as being emotionally immature. Thing is, I cant help it. My life lately has been really hard, I feel like I am in a hole and just cant get out.
I want things to get better and I am seeing a doctor who put me on Lexapro, and I just went on vacation to California and even broke down crying several times there (my boyfriend lives there and we have plans to move in together but I am always paranoid he is going to change his mind, and I'm going to be stuck here in New Jersey, where I hate the weather, the environment, the people, and it is generally depessing for me). This paranoia caused me to break down there, and as soon as I got home (tonight) from Cali, I just fell to pieces again. I don't want to be here. I sort of don't want to be anywhere.
I just see the negative in everything. I just cant help it. I TRY SO HARD to be positive about things, be nice to people, but I just want to criticize everyone and everything ALL THE TIME. This medicine is not helping. I am so unhappy, I don't know where to turn anymore and I am just falling apart more and more every day.
Also, I think I might be becoming addicted to Ativan, because it's the only medicine that can temporarily make things more palatable, and helps me sleep, but I'm developing a tolerance, and I'm scared.
I am so sick of feeling like this. I just want to be normal, deal with things normally, not want to cry all the time, not hate everything, not be paranoid of my boyfriend (who has been my lifeline but has of late been acting strange, though he still says he loves me all the time) be able to smile at children rather than want to kick them (I hate children and can't even be in the same room with them which I am sure is a manifestiation of my mental conditions whatever they are), get up out of the house and meet people, do things, work for charity, start something.. I JUST CAN'T. I barely am able to leave my room.
90% of the time I either want to cry or want to hurt someone. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up crazy or just ending my miserable life. I don't even know how everything got so bad. I have food, a roof over my head, some friends, my health, a college degree, a job.. I don't know what the hell my problem is..
If anyone can relate at all.. please do.. I feel so alone.. thanks for listening.. please write back, anyone. Anyone at all. Thanks.

 

[Eunoia]

ok, the 1st thing I can tell you is that you're not alone. there's many people here who can relate and there are many people "out there" as well. only, most of the time you don't hear about their problems and feelings b/c society feels it necessary to keep things quiet- well that's not a good approach to help w/ anything. unfortunately I don't know much about the medical part of things but I'm sure you'll get replies about that part from those that know what they're talking about. Assuming that you are on an anti-depressant, how long have you been on it? you said it's not helping. meds can take some time to work. some also have weird side effects, check those out maybe. also, if you've been on them since a while and think things aren;t getting better do consult w/ your doctor. often, it takes people a while to find meds that work for them. and don't give up, there's so many out there! also I think you should mention the Ativan...

are you seeing a psychiatrist? or just a GP? talking to someone about all of this might help. it's good to cry to let out emotions but as you have said, crying all the time, probably is a sign that things aren't so good. I wish things were better for you! try staying positive and push yourself to be nice to people and see the good in things in life, as you have been doing- it's so much easier to see the bad in things but life is so much more worth living if you can see even the slightest amount of good. your b/f sounds like a good person to help you see some of that good. accept his help and try to accept the fact that someone loves you for who you are and does want to be w/ you. doubting others all the time will eventually be hard on the relationship....

I really think you should go talk to someone about this though. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone (in this).

 

[ThatLady]

Sounds to me like you might have a lot of stress, possibly because you're not happy where you're living, and you're away from your boyfriend whose support you value. Stress can certainly cause the crying, the anger, and the negative attitude. An anti-anxiety medication (like Ativan) would help relieve those feelings. Are you taking the medication as prescribed, or are you taking more than is prescribed for you?

As to the Lexapro, it's important to know how long you've been taking it, and if you're also in therapy. It does take some time for medications to have a positive effect, but some medications just aren't right for some people. It sometimes requires that a few different medications be tried to find the right one for you.

I'm really sorry you're feeling so badly, hon. Talk to your doctor about the way you feel, and be sure he listens to you.