Something is seriously wrong with me. I have been an overly emotional person my whole life and now at 25 i definitely see myself as being emotionally immature. Thing is, I cant help it. My life lately has been really hard, I feel like I am in a hole and just cant get out.
I want things to get better and I am seeing a doctor who put me on Lexapro, and I just went on vacation to California and even broke down crying several times there (my boyfriend lives there and we have plans to move in together but I am always paranoid he is going to change his mind, and I'm going to be stuck here in New Jersey, where I hate the weather, the environment, the people, and it is generally depessing for me). This paranoia caused me to break down there, and as soon as I got home (tonight) from Cali, I just fell to pieces again. I don't want to be here. I sort of don't want to be anywhere.
I just see the negative in everything. I just cant help it. I TRY SO HARD to be positive about things, be nice to people, but I just want to criticize everyone and everything ALL THE TIME. This medicine is not helping. I am so unhappy, I don't know where to turn anymore and I am just falling apart more and more every day.
Also, I think I might be becoming addicted to Ativan, because it's the only medicine that can temporarily make things more palatable, and helps me sleep, but I'm developing a tolerance, and I'm scared.
I am so sick of feeling like this. I just want to be normal, deal with things normally, not want to cry all the time, not hate everything, not be paranoid of my boyfriend (who has been my lifeline but has of late been acting strange, though he still says he loves me all the time) be able to smile at children rather than want to kick them (I hate children and can't even be in the same room with them which I am sure is a manifestiation of my mental conditions whatever they are), get up out of the house and meet people, do things, work for charity, start something.. I JUST CAN'T. I barely am able to leave my room.
90% of the time I either want to cry or want to hurt someone. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up crazy or just ending my miserable life. I don't even know how everything got so bad. I have food, a roof over my head, some friends, my health, a college degree, a job.. I don't know what the hell my problem is..
If anyone can relate at all.. please do.. I feel so alone.. thanks for listening.. please write back, anyone. Anyone at all. Thanks.
I want things to get better and I am seeing a doctor who put me on Lexapro, and I just went on vacation to California and even broke down crying several times there (my boyfriend lives there and we have plans to move in together but I am always paranoid he is going to change his mind, and I'm going to be stuck here in New Jersey, where I hate the weather, the environment, the people, and it is generally depessing for me). This paranoia caused me to break down there, and as soon as I got home (tonight) from Cali, I just fell to pieces again. I don't want to be here. I sort of don't want to be anywhere.
I just see the negative in everything. I just cant help it. I TRY SO HARD to be positive about things, be nice to people, but I just want to criticize everyone and everything ALL THE TIME. This medicine is not helping. I am so unhappy, I don't know where to turn anymore and I am just falling apart more and more every day.
Also, I think I might be becoming addicted to Ativan, because it's the only medicine that can temporarily make things more palatable, and helps me sleep, but I'm developing a tolerance, and I'm scared.
I am so sick of feeling like this. I just want to be normal, deal with things normally, not want to cry all the time, not hate everything, not be paranoid of my boyfriend (who has been my lifeline but has of late been acting strange, though he still says he loves me all the time) be able to smile at children rather than want to kick them (I hate children and can't even be in the same room with them which I am sure is a manifestiation of my mental conditions whatever they are), get up out of the house and meet people, do things, work for charity, start something.. I JUST CAN'T. I barely am able to leave my room.
90% of the time I either want to cry or want to hurt someone. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up crazy or just ending my miserable life. I don't even know how everything got so bad. I have food, a roof over my head, some friends, my health, a college degree, a job.. I don't know what the hell my problem is..
If anyone can relate at all.. please do.. I feel so alone.. thanks for listening.. please write back, anyone. Anyone at all. Thanks.