More threads by Qgirl


Hi everyone,

I first came to these forums because I was undergoing a painful breakup. In fact, I still am in that I haven't been able to fully let go and move on yet. I still feel loss, grief, and occasionally bouts of anger.

To complicate matters more, I have met someone new. He's great... he is different than other men I have dated in the past. We've seen each other twice just to hang out and we haven't done anything intimate, not even holding hands or a goodnight kiss. He does, however, call me every couple of days. I've been sick this week so our next date will be next week.

He is great in every way, however - he is obsessively tidy. I have never been in the presence of someone who has to have his apartment so clean. There is a routine all guests must partake in before you step into his abode. You must remove your shoes but NOT let your feet touch the hallway floor. As you take off one shoe, you must immediately place your foot inside. If you touch your foot down in the hallway after you've taken off your shoe, you have contaminated your foot. If that happens, you must endure his wrath. After you enter, you must wash your hands. THEN, you may enter the rest of the place and make yourself at home. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I am not a neat freak. I am messy. Scratch that, I am Messy (with a capital M.) I respect the rules in his apartment, but I think he will have a heart attack if he ever comes to mine and sees that I have lots of clutter and never dust and rarely vacuum. Even if I make an effort to clean up before his visit, it still won't meet his standards. I don't know how long I can avoid inviting him over.

Is this relationship doomed to fail? I'm not sure if I am being overly cautious or perhaps I'm looking for reasons not to get involved because I still feel love for someone else. However, I would like to see where this new relationship goes.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
Is the relationship doomed to failure? Not necessarily. But I would predict that it will fail unless this man gets some help with his obsessions and compulsions.

Ask yourself this: If he doesn't change, and you decide to enter into a long-term relationship with him, then you are planning to spend the next XX years making sure you enter his presence in exactly the right way or endure his wrath or his discomfort. And if you can master one "rule", don't be surprised if a brand new one emerges to take its place or to be added on to the end of the list.

You new friend has OCD. This is treatable and manageable... but only if he wants to accept treatment and learn how to manage it.

If not, I strongly suggest you find a new new friend.


Thanks for the feedback. It is still early in the relationship, we are still just feeling each other out. I'm not sure if he is on medication or has talked to anyone seriously about his OCD. His best friend is getting a doctorate in psychology so I am hoping that if anyone could talk to him about receiving treatment, she could. He respects her opinion. In fact, the three of us were together at his apartment when she mentioned to him that if he wants to have kids, he's going to have to put up with living with messes. He smiled and said it wouldn't be a problem. She has her doubts about that, I think.

For now, I am mostly afraid how he will react when he sees my apartment. If he freaks as much as I assume he will, then I won't have to worry about anything longterm after all.
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