Despair... willing to accept some guidance...

[exhausted]

I can't believe I finally have broke down enough to find a place to vent and try to get myself back on the right track. Actually this seems to optimistic for me right now.
I am a legal advocate, a mother of four, grandma of two. I am used to helping everyone else ALL of the time. In fact I see the posts subjects below this one and emmediately want to offer some guidence.... ironic.

I am exhausted. My marraige sucks, I have to get my 2 younger boys and get away from here so that they will be raised with morals and virtue, as it stands the example of their father (although not a drinker and does work) is going to turn them into men with out discipline or character.

I can't hardly bring myself to get off the couch in the morning. My weight is getting up there, I am so depressed the last few weeks especially. I feel no hope for the future. And when HOPE is lost, there is nothing left.
HOPE is the greatest tool in keeping someone going, I am sure if any one is reading this they agree. When hope is gone, there is little left to wake up for each day.

As long as I am with my negative, life sucking, husband, my life with never go any farther than it is... barely making it from payday to payday. The boys will not grow up with any values at all, and I will never succeed at my once high goals for myself.

I have left before. STrangely when I have left with in days I was accomplishing so much, and even losing weight quickly. I was happy. But financially there it is nearly impossible for me to go. I have tried those shelters but am far to independent to stay at such places with government rules and regulations. In fact, staying in those places merely holds me back from recovering instead of moving forward.

I know this because I have twice left him and stayed iwth my parents. Although they can be negative and I can't stand living un-independently... I accomplished so much during the times I stayed there.

I saw a glimpse of life again. The sun in the morning, enjoyed afternoon summer thundershowers, and saw the future with hope. Eventually each time I got my own place here in town and slowly but surely my kid's daddy worked his way into our lives... mostly because financially I couldn't handle it on my own and he would come to visit with paychecks and money for bills.... next thing I knew I was depending on that money to feed the kids and he was back in the house.

I know now that I will have to relocate to another town in order to start another new life and try to find happiness and hope again. See Charlie sucks any happiness away from those around him. He has a cloud of oppression that hangs over him and this ill effects all those in his company... especially his family.

I can't believe I am this person today. I have always had great ambition, independence, and a great desire to excell in life. The longer I stay with him the more I get swallowed down a dark whole and can't find the rope to pull myself out.

I still manage to help some with advocacy, ironically while he is at work, but my abilities even in this department are dwindling as my drive is quickly diminishing to nothing.

I have to find that tenacity (right word?) or that creative resillience (sp) I once had where I could get myself OUT of anything negative and move on to better things. But I can't find that... motivation. I am just too bogged down.

I sit here, while my youngest sleeps, and look at my really messy house with my migraine bearing down on me. I DONT LIVE LIKE THIS! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME.

I purchased a swim pass for the kids and I at the local swimming pool to get healthy excersize and improve my mental health, however I find that when we do go, I have to drag myself there and can't wait for the end of the session... this is not ME.

Where did I go?

Somehow I have lost who I am in a deep despair.

If anyone is listening, thanks, if not... a message to myself:
You are better than this, YOU are strong, YOU can do it, YOU can overcome... YOU have always the ability to overcome incredible odds, don't lose this even as you age.

Thanks
SQ

 

[ThatLady]

Ish. Sounds like you're really feeling down in the dumps, and have been for some time.

Since you've tried to leave your husband before and the lack of money resulted in your taking him back, have you thought about using this time to go back to school and make a career for yourself that will allow you to be financially independent? I don't know what you do for a living, but you obviously weren't making enough to support yourself and the kids. Maybe, if you got the proper training, you could overcome that problem and have the independent life you want.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's a dilemma for sure, exhausted. I'm not sure I understood the part about your boys growing up without morals but even disregarding that it's clearly not a happy place for you to be and I presume not very happy for your sons either.

Apart from shelters, have you looked into other assisted housing options for you and the children? I'm assuming you;ve thought of family members as a temporary alternative and that's not feasible?

 

[cm]

Dear exhausted,
I know how difficult it is for a single mom to parent and work at the same time. I'm not sure where you live, but in Canada you have the right to receive financial support from your former spouse without obligations to continue your relationship with him. But I'm pretty sure you already knew that, on an intellectual level, right. Is there a reason why you and the children cannot live in your own place while being helped financially, as much as needed, by your (estranged??) spouse?
I believe it is vital for women and their children to live in a healthy environment regardless as to whether or not the woman can bring in any income. We are well aware that most women still work longer, and harder in many cases, to bring in the same amount of income as most male workers. As a mom, I hope that you will continue to exercise your right to work at parenting your children before worrying about financial obligations during this time. When we do this, I believe we are promoting the value of parenting our children. I understand that people need to make their decisions based on their own needs and goals, but for many of us, parenting needs to be done before securing an income. I hope you will do whatever it takes to get yourself and your kids in a healthy home situation.
cm

 

[ThatLady]

I got the feeling that Exhausted is still living with her husband, cm. Not knowing how things work in Canada puts me at a bit of a disadvantage here, but if it is as you say, she should be able to leave her husband and receive support for herself and the children (if she's Canadian) while she furthers her education so she can earn a decent living. That sounds like an ideal solution to me. )

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't know what part of the world she lives in but even if it is in Canada she will still need to go through the process of getting a court order for support unless her husband offeres it voluntarily. If she is in Canada and happens to live in Ontario, it used to be the case that she would be eligible for Legal Aid to do things like that but if I'm not mistaken the Mike Harris government in Ontario revoked that application of Legal Aid in one of their attempts to reduce costs so they could reduce taxes -- not that I'm against reducing taxes but governments who do that on the backs of people who have little or no money to begin with and no power to fight back are, in my opinion, immoral and unethical cowards.

 

[cm]

Hi all,
Exhausted,
It sounds like you have left your husband twice before, but went back to him because he was bringing over financial support. Did you feel obligated to him because of the financial support he was providing?

Hi That lady and Dr. Baxter,
Yes, those are the legal aspects as far as I understand and have experience with. There may also be help from Family Court Workers in these situations. I am just looking into this now for myself.

I agree that ideally a person would receive support from the employed spouse, and at the same time go back to school to eventually gain employment and financial independence. In reality though, it has been extremely difficult to get suitable employment (at least here in B.C.) that allows for parenting, financial independence, and is obtainable for women who are aging. Many of the jobs that pay well, are shift work, night work and weekends. I myself teach on call, but the income is sporatic and very low, not to mention very stressful.
I am continuing to apply for work that allows me to parent adequately, and hope to be working consistently after my youngest is an adult, however, I'll be 55 years old then.
It sounds like exhausted's husband might be decent enough to provide the support while it is needed.
Exhausted, maybe the issue is a need to accept the support without guilt and focus on the worthwhile things you can do with your life once you are healthy again.
cm

 

[exhausted]

Thank you so much for all your responses. I feel better after my regular migraine the last few days. I believe hormones at my age (37) can play a major role in our feelings one week out of the month.

I have added my signature so that you are aware that I used to be, or still am underneath, the great optimist!!!

Thanks for the tip about the education. Actually that IS one thing I majorly accomplished in the summer of 2003 when I first left Charlie. With in one week I took and passed my High School Equivelency at the top 10% of all current High Schoolers. My adult children (3 of them) took the exam that year and I scored well above them as well.
Right after I recieved my diploma with in a week I signed up for my distance learning Associate of Science Degree for Legal Assistant or Paralegal Studies. During that summer and fall away from Charlie, as I stayed at my Mom's I entered the county fair with one of my cake recipes and won a first place ribbon.
I also during that time took some excellent photographs for our local Phone Directory Cover and won 3rd place (photo is displayed in this years phone book). During the time away from him, I would take my kids to the park everyday while I did my studies at a park bench. I finished each course with in a week!!!!
I was trucking along with my education and got through my first semester in a month....

Then I ended up back with my husband, my studies wained (sp), housework and child care were paramount and I lost all drive again.

I left him again in the spring of 2004! My studies got right back on track and I completed my second semester of my Paralegal Studies. Entered contests and rejoined life again! But then ended up back with him in Fall 2004, now I can't even barely afford to pay for my studies and am so far behind on payments and studies it feels hopeless. I went SO far away from him, and with him my drive is gone.

OR it could have been while I lived in my parents home (which isn't always pleasant for an adult to live with adult parents) my financial burderns where greatly reduced leaving room for me to relax and concetrate on GRAND ideas.

I am a legal advocate for parents unethically targeted by CPS. This is a difficult job helping people who have no help. ONE thing we always advocate for at our large organization is to avoid getting the government involved in your life. That when you take welfare or government housing your life becomes theirs and if you have children your parenting is often open to scrutiny where as independent people have less worry about government involved in their daily lives.

I had applied for government housing in 2003, however after the initial interview where I had to tell them what color of underwear I wore and my eating and sleeping habits, I decided that I had to do it on my own. As badly as I wanted to be indepedent of Charlie, I had to do it for myself.

SO, I had a big plan... once.... Overnight, weekend child care. This would allow parents to take off from 6 pm to 12 noon the next day to go to the City or relax, celebrate, and take an overnight break from their kids. I could charge a decent enough rate that I might be able to support myself with my child's social security.

But when I found a house on my own, I realized after I moved in, that it was a very small two bedroom home that would not house lots of kids, even for the night... and then Charlie moved back in.

Anyway, your right, I have to finish my degree and move to an area (not this small town) where I can use my education, experience, and skills to become independent of Charlie. I have figured that in this day and age to be completely independent of governmetn help, even medical, a family needs to make nearly $40,000 a year (depending on what area you live).

I have made goals and plans. I wish I could find a way to start saving money to move one. I have discussed this with my mother and daughter. I could write another book to earn more money, but you know, royalties are not what you think they are. Unless I come up with some kind of best seller, it is impossible to even pay a power bill with a royalty check.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. I feel better today in general, now I am worried about paying my cable/internet bill for now. The bigger problem seems smaller and current problems now seem bigger (if you get that).

Thanks for your suggestions and help. I think the best way is to truck along and try to find a way to save some money (somehow) to secretly move to a city I am thinking of that is good for kids and has legal job opportunities.

Wish me luck.

SusieQ

 

[exhausted]

Additional note:
I did sign up to be a T-ball coach again this year. I did this ALONE in 2002... as Charlie was to lazy to help me. I had a great time with the kids and had some motivation to socialize and be a part of something bigger than myself (something I always advise others to do).

I am waiting to be approved as a coach. In 2002 there was no background checks, you just had to be an active parent in the schools and community. Also there is a list of people applying so the better people get the job. Unfortunately, even though I am a good housewife and mother now, I have a criminal history in my 20's when I was a bit wild and crazy... nothing ever serious but I am afraid... WHAT if I don't pass because of something I did 20 years ago.

I haven't got the approval call yet and it is late in the practice season... we will see. In a way I will be relieved if I am not a coach this year because I am afraid to venture out and have that kind of responsibility... HOWEVER that might be just what I NEED.

On the other hand if I am not approved... I might feel rejected.

Go figure.....
SusieQ