I didn?t want to post again, I felt I had made a fool of myself enough previously, but I feel like I?ve dug myself a hole so deep I can?t get out of it, so I just die, in that hole, because I couldn't find a way out.
I tried reading things, in the last three hours I?ve tried reading about suicide, I?ve tried to forget about it, I tried to sleep, I tried to eat, I slightly mentioned my thoughts to a friend who promptly urged me not to do anything stupid and told me to call her tomorrow (It?s 3am here), and I tried laying down with my dog - Normally that stuff works and snaps me out of it in a heartbeat. I was thinking about just going and sitting on the bridge tomorrow morning if it?s nice and just trying to sort everything out, but I doubt it will work. I?ve cried more in the past few days than I have in years before, I can?t even stop it, I just randomly start crying which makes me feel even worse.
This year, 2006, has just tormented me. Every month starting in January something bad has happened, I?d tell myself, ?Well, it can?t get any worse.? And then the next month something worse would happen, up ?til now, April, where in just the past week at least three things have come up, along with many more things from this month alone, alongside events from months previous. I?ve got ten strikes, with many elements, against me and have formally dealt with only one and just that one took me two months. It?s like the world?s out to get me and is trying to take my good friend down with me (Of those 10 strikes, she was involved in 5). I can?t deal with it. I?m tired of it. I don?t need this, I just want away from it all, I don?t think it?s going to get anything but worse. The only friend I have contact with outside of school, besides the one that chose to completely betray and insult me today, is moving soon and I can?t talk to her about most of this because she was there, she?s dealing with it too.
My parents aren?t sure whether I SI or not despite the counselor telling them I did, so when they noticed fairly new injuries they threatened to ground me the next time I got hurt and then completely banning me from walking the dogs out to the area I take them off-leash to. Then my mom got mad at me for eating dinner on Tuesday so in rebellion I told her I?m not going to eat for a week/the rest of the week, she says she?s going to ground me and not allow me to walk the dogs ever again if I go through with it all the way. We?ve been bickering constantly and I can?t get far enough away from her, and my dad hasn?t even gone to Iraq yet. Here I am thinking about killing myself when the real test hasn?t even began. Last time she snapped my brother, this time she?s after me. I don?t need to be more grounded, which I?m positive that if she knew of this I would be.
I can?t even imagine life getting any worse for me right now, but it will, it always does. But what can I do now? I feel like I?m good as gone and nothing?ll snap me out of it. Obviously I have some doubts, or I would?ve done it already since there?s at least six different things I could use in my room alone - I?ve been thinking about it and seriously considering it for days. I talked to someone else and ran them ragged with one of the strikes (Literally!) and was fine for a day but then the feelings just returned. I thought of calling a hotline thing, but I can?t from the house phone, it?d show up on the bill for the cell phone, and, if it were even light out, there?s no payphones out here. I?d talk to the counselor I like, but just the thought of her contacting my parents and them yelling at me later steers me away from that. I haven?t even looked at her since the last time I talked to her on the fifth. And even if I did plan to talk to her we don't go back to school until Tuesday. It seems that it just gets worse with every passing day, I can't name a single good thing that happened this year.
I?m sorry if I?m bein? a pest, but any suggestions? I?m extremely close, but not quite ready to give up just yet. I don't know how much more I can take before my mind is completely made up.
I tried reading things, in the last three hours I?ve tried reading about suicide, I?ve tried to forget about it, I tried to sleep, I tried to eat, I slightly mentioned my thoughts to a friend who promptly urged me not to do anything stupid and told me to call her tomorrow (It?s 3am here), and I tried laying down with my dog - Normally that stuff works and snaps me out of it in a heartbeat. I was thinking about just going and sitting on the bridge tomorrow morning if it?s nice and just trying to sort everything out, but I doubt it will work. I?ve cried more in the past few days than I have in years before, I can?t even stop it, I just randomly start crying which makes me feel even worse.
This year, 2006, has just tormented me. Every month starting in January something bad has happened, I?d tell myself, ?Well, it can?t get any worse.? And then the next month something worse would happen, up ?til now, April, where in just the past week at least three things have come up, along with many more things from this month alone, alongside events from months previous. I?ve got ten strikes, with many elements, against me and have formally dealt with only one and just that one took me two months. It?s like the world?s out to get me and is trying to take my good friend down with me (Of those 10 strikes, she was involved in 5). I can?t deal with it. I?m tired of it. I don?t need this, I just want away from it all, I don?t think it?s going to get anything but worse. The only friend I have contact with outside of school, besides the one that chose to completely betray and insult me today, is moving soon and I can?t talk to her about most of this because she was there, she?s dealing with it too.
My parents aren?t sure whether I SI or not despite the counselor telling them I did, so when they noticed fairly new injuries they threatened to ground me the next time I got hurt and then completely banning me from walking the dogs out to the area I take them off-leash to. Then my mom got mad at me for eating dinner on Tuesday so in rebellion I told her I?m not going to eat for a week/the rest of the week, she says she?s going to ground me and not allow me to walk the dogs ever again if I go through with it all the way. We?ve been bickering constantly and I can?t get far enough away from her, and my dad hasn?t even gone to Iraq yet. Here I am thinking about killing myself when the real test hasn?t even began. Last time she snapped my brother, this time she?s after me. I don?t need to be more grounded, which I?m positive that if she knew of this I would be.
I can?t even imagine life getting any worse for me right now, but it will, it always does. But what can I do now? I feel like I?m good as gone and nothing?ll snap me out of it. Obviously I have some doubts, or I would?ve done it already since there?s at least six different things I could use in my room alone - I?ve been thinking about it and seriously considering it for days. I talked to someone else and ran them ragged with one of the strikes (Literally!) and was fine for a day but then the feelings just returned. I thought of calling a hotline thing, but I can?t from the house phone, it?d show up on the bill for the cell phone, and, if it were even light out, there?s no payphones out here. I?d talk to the counselor I like, but just the thought of her contacting my parents and them yelling at me later steers me away from that. I haven?t even looked at her since the last time I talked to her on the fifth. And even if I did plan to talk to her we don't go back to school until Tuesday. It seems that it just gets worse with every passing day, I can't name a single good thing that happened this year.
I?m sorry if I?m bein? a pest, but any suggestions? I?m extremely close, but not quite ready to give up just yet. I don't know how much more I can take before my mind is completely made up.