• Quote of the Day
    "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."
    Nelson Mandela, posted by Daniel

Cheyenne

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I didn?t want to post again, I felt I had made a fool of myself enough previously, but I feel like I?ve dug myself a hole so deep I can?t get out of it, so I just die, in that hole, because I couldn't find a way out.

I tried reading things, in the last three hours I?ve tried reading about suicide, I?ve tried to forget about it, I tried to sleep, I tried to eat, I slightly mentioned my thoughts to a friend who promptly urged me not to do anything stupid and told me to call her tomorrow (It?s 3am here), and I tried laying down with my dog - Normally that stuff works and snaps me out of it in a heartbeat. I was thinking about just going and sitting on the bridge tomorrow morning if it?s nice and just trying to sort everything out, but I doubt it will work. I?ve cried more in the past few days than I have in years before, I can?t even stop it, I just randomly start crying which makes me feel even worse.

This year, 2006, has just tormented me. Every month starting in January something bad has happened, I?d tell myself, ?Well, it can?t get any worse.? And then the next month something worse would happen, up ?til now, April, where in just the past week at least three things have come up, along with many more things from this month alone, alongside events from months previous. I?ve got ten strikes, with many elements, against me and have formally dealt with only one and just that one took me two months. It?s like the world?s out to get me and is trying to take my good friend down with me (Of those 10 strikes, she was involved in 5). I can?t deal with it. I?m tired of it. I don?t need this, I just want away from it all, I don?t think it?s going to get anything but worse. The only friend I have contact with outside of school, besides the one that chose to completely betray and insult me today, is moving soon and I can?t talk to her about most of this because she was there, she?s dealing with it too.

My parents aren?t sure whether I SI or not despite the counselor telling them I did, so when they noticed fairly new injuries they threatened to ground me the next time I got hurt and then completely banning me from walking the dogs out to the area I take them off-leash to. Then my mom got mad at me for eating dinner on Tuesday so in rebellion I told her I?m not going to eat for a week/the rest of the week, she says she?s going to ground me and not allow me to walk the dogs ever again if I go through with it all the way. We?ve been bickering constantly and I can?t get far enough away from her, and my dad hasn?t even gone to Iraq yet. Here I am thinking about killing myself when the real test hasn?t even began. Last time she snapped my brother, this time she?s after me. I don?t need to be more grounded, which I?m positive that if she knew of this I would be.

I can?t even imagine life getting any worse for me right now, but it will, it always does. But what can I do now? I feel like I?m good as gone and nothing?ll snap me out of it. Obviously I have some doubts, or I would?ve done it already since there?s at least six different things I could use in my room alone - I?ve been thinking about it and seriously considering it for days. I talked to someone else and ran them ragged with one of the strikes (Literally!) and was fine for a day but then the feelings just returned. I thought of calling a hotline thing, but I can?t from the house phone, it?d show up on the bill for the cell phone, and, if it were even light out, there?s no payphones out here. I?d talk to the counselor I like, but just the thought of her contacting my parents and them yelling at me later steers me away from that. I haven?t even looked at her since the last time I talked to her on the fifth. And even if I did plan to talk to her we don't go back to school until Tuesday. It seems that it just gets worse with every passing day, I can't name a single good thing that happened this year.

I?m sorry if I?m bein? a pest, but any suggestions? I?m extremely close, but not quite ready to give up just yet. I don't know how much more I can take before my mind is completely made up.
 

ThatLady

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Can you fill us in a bit on some of the things that are happening, hon? Perhaps, if we have a little background on the kinds of things that are going on that are bringing you down, we can better help you deal with those things. Also, sometimes talking about what's actually happening and the problems we're facing helps us to deal with them better. When lots of things are going on at once, they tend to pile up and seem like one big, insurmountable problem. Dealing with them individually can make them seem less intimidating.
 

momof5

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That Lady is so right. Try do deal with each one seperatly. Then it doesn't seem like there is such a mountain out there.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down right now.

You mentioned your Dad going to Iraq, is he in the service? My son was over there twice, once for the intial war and the second time he was in the suni triangle. He even volunteered a third time, but they would not let him go again.

I know as a mom that was hard to deal with, being a child of a parent, that has to be really really difficutl for you.

Try to post some of your things you are going through, unless it would be too stressful for you, but I think it will help those with the training to be able to help you better.
 

Cheyenne

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Feb 18, 2006
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Thanks for the link, I may try emailing someone.

I can give you some of the things going on.

In February there was the thing with my friend, a neighbor, also the mother of another friend, called the police on my friend?s step-dad after he repeatedly hit her little brother and sister leaving bruises. I was there before and for a while after the police showed up, nothing happened and my friend ended up in a lot of trouble. I felt responsible. This is the only situation I?ve handled by talking to the counselor and it doesn?t affect me anymore.
In March I ran into a shady group of people while with a friend and four little kids she was babysitting. We got in a confrontation; the shady group of people hit one of the kids in the head with a rock, caused the youngest to fall from a 7ft drop, and threatened all our lives. My friend called the police and left me to deal with it. I found out that the friend I was with cuts herself, which is really the only part that affected me; especially since it was the day after the counselor I?d called my parents for pretty much the same thing.

And then this month I found out that a once very good friend that moved has become anorexic and has been drinking. I feel at least somewhat responsible for the eating disorder - Since she?d always get mad at me because that was the way I ate I?d jokingly encourage her to eat that way while she lived in the state. She took my horrible advice. I talked with a good friend about it while doing our run in Gym class, and, I didn't realize it at the time, but I ran her to the point she almost passed out just trying to keep up because I was upset and wasn't getting tired at a full sprint. The other day my good friend and I were scolded by strangers and were threatened that two different people were going to call the police but called that person instead and he came out with a lady with a pipe saying that we had pointed the gun at the people while in reality we had our back to the street and houses and were shooting cans and bottles off a fence. He said we could get charged with the destruction of the fence post and street lights even though we had nothing to do with it, then told us to get out of there before someone did call the police. The gun?s sitting here on my desk. I found out that my good friend started cutting herself again and, unknown to me, was being forced to see a psychiatrist by her step-dad but hadn?t been going. I wasn?t there for her when I should have been, so she resorted back to that - My fault, again. And yesterday there was an altercation between the friend whose mother called the police in February and neighbors down the street. My friend and I got stuck in the middle of it because we were there, but didn?t say anything to cause anger towards us. And yesterday a person I?ve gotten along with for four years turned and insulted me terribly.

That?s not all of what?s going on, but just a general idea. And that?s all alongside the problems with my parents and my own SI problems.

My dad?s a Polygrapher on Fort Carson, it?ll be his second time being sent over to Iraq. My dad going to Iraq never affected me except the one time I watched the Nick Berg video, I could vividly imagine him in that chair instead, my mom?s the one causing problems. The first time he went my mom drove both me and my brother crazy, and at some points during that time I would?ve considered myself suicidal and my good friends and pets would be there to bring me back to earth, but my brother didn?t have that, twice during that year the police were called for physical fights between my mom and brother, and he was suspended from school for months straight, causing him to have to go to summer school to graduate in his class. He was her main target then, I just got what was left over, but now that he moved out I?ll be her main target and I know I can NOT take that with everything else going on. I doubt I could take that if everything else was going well. I can predict what?s going to happen, and just knowing what?s in store for me, I want to give up now, things won?t get better, they?ll only continue to get worse. I have nothing to look forward to, the bad will always far outweigh the good. What?s the point?
 

Halo

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Hey Cheyenne,

I am also sorry that you are feeling so down and the only thing that I can say is that I hope you get the help you need and you deserve because you are worth it. You are not being a pest and if there is anything that I can do for you...please just let me know. I too have been in your situtation before with not knowing if I could take the pressure and feeling so down and wanting to give up and until I could get to see my therapist, I came on this forum and it really helped get me through the hard times.

I don't know if this is helpful but just try to hang on and remember that I do care.

Take Care
Nancy
 

momof5

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the only thing that I can say is that I hope you get the help you need and you deserve because you are worth it.
I totally agree with Nancy here.

I say work at each thing one step at a time. Life is a journey of a thousand steps that we take each step at a time.

and everyone who lives on this earth is worth the life that the good lord gives to them.

Each one of us has something special and unique to offer to the world and to the people around us.

It sounds like your mom has such difficutly handling your dad's leaving. And it is hard to deal with.

When my son left here to go to war in Iraq, the first few days I could not do anything. I kept the pillow that he slept on, and would smell it so tht I could breath in his essence.

And since he was security around the big wigs over there, I could not kow where he was at all, that was soo hard to handle. I would dread every car that came down the road.

I also used to have dreams after the first beheading that it would happen to my son. It was so horrible. Once when he was home, he knew the links to them and showed them to my husband. I asked them to lower the volume as I did not wish to hear it. Nor did I wish to see it. I don't think that should have been online at all.

I'm also sorry to hear that your mom takes her problems out on you. That isn't fair. It would be nice if you could talk to her about it.

Just remember that everyone is here for you, and even though it is natural to think that you are to blame for others choices in life that are around you. It isn't your fault. We have choices to make in life and we make the decisions, not the people around us.

Just stand tall, be proud of who you are, and work on yourself. Sure it isn't easy, but in the end, it is so worth it.
 

ThatLady

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Right on, momof5. There's no way that we should hold ourselves responsible for the life decisions of others. Each of us must take responsibility for our own decisions.

Sounds like you're going through a really rough patch, Cheyenne. I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. One thing that might help is to divide all these things that have happened into sets of things you can do something about and things you can't. Get to work on those you can improve and put the others behind you. Those that should be put behind you need to include those where others made decisions that weren't, perhaps, the best decisions they could have made. Those decisions were theirs, not yours, and are not your responsibility.

I'm really sorry about your mom, as well, hon. I'm sure your father's leaving is having an effect on both of you. As momof5 said, it's a shame you two can't sit down and talk this out. You could be of great support for one another during this hard time. :(
 

Cheyenne

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Thanks, all of you. I really appreciate it.
I did email the Samaritans thing, I?m not sure if it?ll do any good, but it?s worth a shot I guess.

How would I be able to tell which situations I can improve on and which I can?t?

The thing is, I?ve never really learned how to get over things or just put them behind me. I can recognize things are not involving me but still be extremely affected by them. The thing in February was not my fault, not my problem, I wasn?t involved in the slightest besides actually being there when the police were, but I couldn?t get over that or drop it until I talked to the counselor I like about it. That?s the only thing that worked. But since she called my parents I?m terrified of her, I avoid parts of the school she might be at and when I do come across her I look at the floor and try to get away. I can?t talk to many people about anything at all, let alone my problems, but of those I can, nothing they would say made the same difference the counselor did. And I haven?t been able to find a different way to get over or put things behind me. I don?t deal with them and if the feelings they cause do go away it?s only temporary.

Today I treated myself to walking both dogs off-leash (Usually only done on Wednesdays) because I like to and I was hoping that it?d at least reduce the feelings so I could take a step back and try to work it out. But nooo, it only made it worse. My dog split her foot open and was bleeding everywhere and once we got back, of course, my mom was quick to yell at me and make me feel more guilty about it than I already did. Here was my dog, my reason for living, my reason to keep going, and I caused her extreme pain and discomfort. There?s no way of flipping it that can make it seem any less of my fault. Just looking at her brings me back to tears.

I realize that my dad going to Iraq isn?t easy for my mom, but it seems like she?s always the same, just when my dad is there he keeps her calm, and when he?s not there, for a few days or for a year, she?s just a pain. He?s not even leaving ?til later in the year, he just has training now. Provided that I do get through this, which I have doubts about, I?ll still be stuck with her from now until my dad gets back from Iraq - Not until late 2007. So I?d just be holding on to go through more suffering.
Neither of my parents know about half the stuff I?m going through, they?d just get mad, ground me, or tell me to stay away from certain people, my friends.

I want to believe it will get better, honestly I do, but recent events have made it impossible for me to be able to believe that. I want to give up now, I don?t know why I haven?t been able to yet, I just need to get it over with.
 

David Baxter

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Today I treated myself to walking both dogs off-leash (Usually only done on Wednesdays) because I like to and I was hoping that it?d at least reduce the feelings so I could take a step back and try to work it out. But nooo, it only made it worse. My dog split her foot open and was bleeding everywhere and once we got back, of course, my mom was quick to yell at me and make me feel more guilty about it than I already did. Here was my dog, my reason for living, my reason to keep going, and I caused her extreme pain and discomfort. There?s no way of flipping it that can make it seem any less of my fault.

Cheyenne, I live with a dog and three cats. Animals do things like this. Then we look after them until the cut or whatever it is has healed. That's part of having a pet. It's not your "fault" that your dog cut his foot... it would only be your "fault" if you negelected your dog afterward, and ignored the injury and did nothing to clean it and do whatever else it needed to recover from the cut.
 

momof5

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The thing is, I?ve never really learned how to get over things or just put them behind me. I can recognize things are not involving me but still be extremely affected by them.

Learning how to get over things is the first step. Also, I think there is another part of this as well. Learning to get over is one portion of this all, However, this doesn't mean that we forget what we have been through, which is another portion to learn how to deal with.

The thing in February was not my fault, not my problem, I wasn?t involved in the slightest besides actually being there when the police were, but I couldn?t get over that or drop it until I talked to the counselor I like about it.

Sometimes things that we aren't involved in that happen around us still affect us because we are caring people. I can see how caring you are because of your dogs and how close to them you are.

And there is nothing wrong with caring, however, we can't accept the guilt of the world on our shoulders, of which we all soemtimes do when we have things that we have to work on.

I want to believe it will get better, honestly I do, but recent events have made it impossible for me to be able to believe that. I want to give up now, I don?t know why I haven?t been able to yet, I just need to get it over with.

Believeing that you wan't to get better is a good step. It is a good thought process, and one that you need to burn into your thought process.

You have a gift that you need to recognize that is precious to you, and that is life. The next thing that you have is yourself, and that you are precious and important in life.

Sure, it might not be easy for you to decide which issues to deal with first or how to go about figuring them out.

Maybe for you, it should be one issue at a time? What is the hardest issue for you to deal with? Take that one, think about it, and think if it is really something that is you, or if it is soemone else that you are taking on as being something of yourself.

I think something else I have picked up on is an intense guilt on your part. One that is not only for yourself, but for what happens to others around you.

Seperation of things is needed for you. Try to figure out what it is that is ONLY on you, not on someone else, and because of what they chose to do with their lives.

then, think about what you need to work on the most, and those that are qualifed in here will help you with it.

One thing to remember, say this to yourself each day, I am special, I am unique, I am important. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that each day. And you will begin to believe it. I believe that you are speical and important. You love animals, and that says something very special about you. Doc can tell you how much of an animal lover I am. ;)

So, you are unique, you are special, and you are important.
 

cm

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Hello Cheyenne,
I just wanted to thank you for joining this forum. I think that sharing your situation is courageous, and also helps others who are trying to find their way through difficult times too.
Some of the circumstances that you describe were similar to mine, years ago. My father was going overseas, my mother was in an unpredictable state, and I was in severe depression and did not know where to turn. What a confusing and desperate time it had been. Kind of like being caught out in the middle of a storm during a long and overwhelming journey on foot. It seemed like I would never get out of that storm. I did not know how. I could not see beyond the storm that surrounded me. I also had a wonderful dog at the time. I would talk to the dog and cry with the dog and hug the dog. It seems kind of foolish to some people, but when I looked at the dog's eyes I believed she understood how I was feeling, at least to some extent, and it was very comforting. Anyways, I kept on with the journey tried to find hope and direction from caring, trustworthy sources. I tried to make decisions for myself that would keep me as healthy as possible. I came out of the storm with more knowledge and appreciation for what is important in my life. I find on my journey other people who are also struggling, and I try my best to listen to them with a greater understanding. Please know that you are not alone, that we care and have an appreciation for what you are going through at this time. We are with you and we are here for you(Thanks Dr. B. again for this site). Please let us know how things are going.
I think your dog's paw will probably heal fine. Mine also got an injured paw as I walked them everyday for the exercise and I think he stepped on glass, but it healed up fine after a while. I think animals have a chemical in their saliva that promotes healing (I think that's what I read) Maybe someone else on the forum has more info on this. Anyway, let us know how it's doing.
cm
 

Cheyenne

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You?re right, Dr. Baxter. What you said put me back to the thinking I had before my mom yelled at me about it and made me feel horrible. Thank you. We cleaned and wrapped her foot to stop the bleeding and today she?s back to normal without it wrapped. I?ll just need to be a little more careful where I take them next time. One down, ten to go.

I can?t pinpoint which one is most difficult to deal with, but probably the self-injury of my best friend and finding out another once good friend is anorexic. Neither of those have to do with me, but I feel like I can relate, sort of, because I SI and neither of them know, and I eat the same way as the one that has been diagnosed as anorexic. And it?s hard for me to believe that they do those things, nor do I know why they do those things.
Thanks, momof5, I?ll try that.

Thank you for sharing that, cm, it really helped me see that it is possible to get through this. Any other specific things that really helped you get through it?

Ice, a friend who I?d trust with my life, told me something today, he said that he?d been emailing the coordinator for SAFE:TEEN, a local suicide prevention and education thing. He said that she said she could hook me up with either a person from the SAFE:TEEN program or a private counselor (Possibly free of charge) without my parents knowing. I don?t know about it, but he wants me to at least talk to the coordinator and said he?s going to give her my (cell) phone number. I?m not sure, but he said that if I?ll at least talk to her that he?ll drop it and respect my wishes, so I agreed. He knows more about any of this than I could possibly ever know, I can?t help but trust him. What do you all think?
 

momof5

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I can?t help but trust him. What do you all think?

If you think this person is trustworthy, then follow your heart, but please wait and see what david or Thatlady have to say as they are the ones trained in this.

also check out any information in regards to the site. If you are going to contact someone at least know what the site is about.

Just don't forget that you are special. I think once you realize that you will feel better. IT isn't always easy to handle things around us when we have triggers that set things off. No matter where you are in life there are always challanges to be handled, and we need to learn how to handle them. I think the right counselor will be able to help you.
 

ThatLady

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I'm somewhat familiar with Safe:Teen as an organization that provides education to teens in schools with regard to suicide. That's about the extent of my knowledge of them, but I have heard that they do some good work. I think speaking with the counsellor, as your friend suggested, might be a really good idea, hon. If she/he can help you to find someone to talk with about these issues, that can only be a good thing.
 

Cheyenne

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I think I?ve now lost choice in the situation.

Apparently the person my buddy, Ice, was emailing sent a copy of all the emails to the school, and I got called to see the school?s resource officer. He said that there were also two other people in the school that had ?expressed concern? for my well-being, and since my friend never gave my name I?d assume that that?s how they figured out who it was. I pleaded with him not to call my parents and we came to an agreement on how to go about that. He had me write and sign a promise stating that I would not harm myself in ANY way, which is turning out to be a lot harder than expected, and then he said that he was going to try to find someone to see me without my parents knowing about it. I assume that getting help is a major part of the deal to avoid getting my parents called despite it never being directly stated. This happened yesterday and ever since I?ve been extremely jumpy/nervous and I can?t seem to control it. But I guess I can blame that on knowing that the Resource Officer is going to get back to me and that my friend said one of the people from SAFE:TEEN is going to call me at some point.

Thank you for all your help and support, I really appreciate it. It means a lot to me. I'll try not to forget, momof5 :)
And I must echo what CM said, thank you Dr. Baxter for this site, it?s really helped a lot.
 

David Baxter

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Sometimes having your choices narrowed down can be a good thing.

Good luck, Cheyenne.
 

Cheyenne

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It?s been awhile since I started this, I felt I should share what has happened.

As I had predicted, things got worse, it was horrible. I was SO close, to the point I put myself in a position that I could have done it, but made a phone call instead. I talked to someone, not a friend and not a hotline worker, just an understanding person from SAFE:TEEN, and what they said really hit home, they convinced me to wait just one day. I don?t think they know it, but she truly saved my life. The next day during school I talked to a counselor and the social worker, my parents were called. Long story short, my mom took me to the hospital and they gave me an ambulance ride to a psychiatric facility. I stayed for 4-5 days, a day or two longer than the 72 hour-hold I was originally on. The doctor there said something about Major Depression and wrote me a prescription for Zoloft. I?m rather happy with the medication, I?m not having those thoughts anymore, I have more energy, and I?ve been getting along better with my parents. I also have to see a therapist, as part of the conditions of being out of the facility, I didn?t have a choice over who I see. She?s nice, but I saw her once and won?t see her again until June because she?s going on a two-week vacation, and since I?m really shy it?s awkward for me to be tossed in a room with someone I don?t know and be expected to tell them what was going on. I would have preferred to just see the social worker, but was told I couldn?t because the social worker specialized in different things than the therapist they want me to see. The thing is, I was 100% honest with the social worker, but with the therapist I wasn?t, I told the therapist I did not ever injure myself because I knew she?d tell my parents. I?m sure that they?ve had enough.

Overall, I?m pretty optimistic, and, in a way, I?m kind of happy it turned out the way it did. I met a lot of people around my age at the psychiatric facility, some in similar situations, it was really a learning experience. The medication has helped a lot, a few people (that don?t know) have commented about the positive change in my behavior. Also, I am working on regaining at least some of the weight I lost during the time I was thinking of suicide, and haven?t injured myself in any way since March, which I?m pretty happy about.

I know I?ve said it a lot, but I?ll say it again. Thank you all for all the support and care you?ve shown, the advice you have given, I know I really appreciate it and I am sure others do too.
 

ThatLady

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Good news, Cheyenne! I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better! :yahoo:
 

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