Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

[foghlaim]

sometimes over here we can ring doc,, (sometimes we get his secrtary) explain what we need and why,, and doc will usually send scrip to the chemist\ pharmacy and all u do is pick it up.

hope u get it sorted cause i think you need all the help and support you can get right now,

hope u feel better soon ok.

nsa

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

I do not know why my parents stopped giving me the Zoloft, they gave it to me today, the 75mg. I did not ask them, and am unwilling to ask them, because I really don?t want to get insulted or yelled at any more. I?m back at avoiding them. More proof of just how pathetic I am, unwilling to confront my own parents. However, I did snoop through my mom?s stuff while they were sleeping and found out that my next appointment with the Doc is July 7th.
And I?m going out of state a few days later, thankfully I?ll be away from my parents, but I?ll also be away from my dogs and other pets (Which I?m extremely protective over and don?t feel that my parents can take care of properly), and I?ll be staying with people I haven?t seen in years for two weeks. The whole thing just seems like a very bad idea to me.

I just feel awkward/bad coming here, because you all go out of your way to talk to me, but I don?t do the same for you because I?m painfully bad at that. I feel extremely selfish because I do that. I log in, post my reply here, then immediately log off so that I won?t post elsewhere even if I do have something that might be worth saying. That?s why I feel like a burden here, elsewhere I feel like a burden because I know I am one.

hi Cheyenne,
your parents stopped the zoloft and then started you on them again? I don't know much about the drug, but would assume that this is bad for your body?? anyone know??
I hope your 'holiday' goes ok. I know its scary to stay with people you can't remember... I lived for two months with my uncle and cousins that I had never met before, when I was feeling really bad. I missed my dog terribly too, but staying with them was the best thing for me, getting me out of my depressing environment, and getting me stronger so that i could make the next decisions in my life.
deary, don't feel bad coming here. the reason that so many people post here, is because most of them have had similar experiances to what your going through and WANT to help others. there isn't a rule to say that you have to help other posters. infact, alot of posters have experianced the same guilt that you are so don't worry about it. Guilt goes hand in hand with depression anyway, so the less you feel guilty about, the better.
x

 

[Cheyenne]

My parents refilled the prescription, though they didn?t give it to me today or yesterday, they keep forgetting. They get mad because I don?t remind them, but I don?t have the energy and they?ll just insult me more if I remind them. It?s really irritating. I was wrong about the doctors appointment, my parents rescheduled it because of my trip, so I went to the doctor today. All that happened was they changed the prescription officially to 75 mg, told me I?d be on Zoloft for at least a year, took more blood, and gave my parents a recommendation for a new therapist.

Honestly, I?m almost back to where I was when I started this; the randomly breaking into tears; daydreaming about ways to off myself - which I was doing today when I was sitting alone in the hospital room waiting for the doctor; lack of focus; snapping at people; lack of energy? I could go on. I had a serious episode yesterday, pacing, breathing heavily, and could think of nothing other than causing severe harm to myself. I did SI, but that?s minor compared to what I would?ve done had I been home alone during this time. Yesterday was just a bad day and I?m actually pretty surprised I got off with just the injuries I did. And that episode just has me more worried about my trip out of state soon, I don?t think logically when I?m like this, I?m not really sure I should be in unfamiliar territory, a stressor for me, when I?m like this, but I really have no choice. I?ll just have to hope for the best, and try to stay distracted. My parents think I?m fine, how funny they are, they apparently haven?t noticed that in the past week or so I?ve been tuning them out with music or ignoring them completely and that any time I talk/respond to them it?s coupled with an insult or smart remark. Just like before, shortly before I got sent to the psychiatric institute. It strikes me as weird that they seem so oblivious to it, a lot of comments, particularly from today and yesterday, would normally trigger a smack across the face from my mom. I?m a horrible child. But it?s like I?m a totally different person depending on where I?m at, what I?m doing, and what time it is. I?m consistently depressed and the thoughts of suicide are becoming more prominent once again; but the aggression towards my parents, I can neither explain it nor control it.

One thing is, my mom confirmed today that she is going to try to have me see the social worker, and now that is extremely concerning. I?ve become extremely self-conscious and have been thinking of the worst possible thing that can happen in any given situation and automatically assume that it?s going to happen and therefore feel bad about it. Among other things, the social worker is definitely one thing I?ve been worrying pointlessly about. I DID tell the social worker that I SI, but, my parents don?t know that. If I see the social worker I am terrified that she will tell my parents that I SI and that things will go further downhill. And the only other option, that I know of, is the therapist that the doctor recommended today, my parents asked for the guys information and they have it now, but I?m not sure if they?re going to contact him and see or not.

?I think I?m just losing my mind.
Thank you very much for caring and reading this.
Though, I?m sorry that you probably just spent five or more minutes of your time reading one of my mindlessly long and pointless posts that was most likely extremely confusing and hard to follow. I?m really sorry.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Cheyenne, I read your post and it wasn't long and pointless. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. You're not a horrible child at all.

I am not good at giving advice for what to do, but I wanted to let you know that I care and my thoughts are with you.

 

[ThatLady]

Cheyenne, your posts are neither overly long, or pointless. These are things you feel you need to get out on the table. It's very important that you do that. That's the purpose of these boards. It's why we're all here. We may not have all the answers, but we're here to support one another, and to listen.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly, and feel you don't have the support of those close to you. I remember those feelings, and they're not easy to deal with. I hope, when you're feeling particularly low, and you can, that you'll come here and tell us about it. Sometimes, getting it out can be, at least, somewhat helpful.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It wasn't confusing or mindless, Cheyenne.

What worries you so much about the social worker? It seems like you have been somewhat more disclosing to her and that may be helpful.

As for the Zoloft and being on it for a year, that's just the nature of this type of medication. I generally tell people to expect to be on it for at least 12-18 months because going off it earlier is usually a guarantee of a relapse.

Also, at 75 mg, you are still on quite a low dose. If that doesn't help to relieve your depression, that can be increased.

 

[ThatLady]

It wasn't confusing or mindless, Cheyenne.

What worries you so much about the social worker? It seems like you have been somewhat more disclosing to her and that may be helpful.

As for the Zoloft and being on it for a year, that's just the nature of this type of medication. I generally tell people to expect to be on it for at least 12-18 months because going off it earlier is usually a guarantee of a relapse.

Also, at 75 mg, you are still on quite a low dose. If that doesn't help to relieve your depression, that can be increased.

I think part of the problem with the Zoloft is that Cheyenne isn't getting it regularly. She must depend on her parents to dispense it, and they're not doing so regularly.

 

[Peanut]

Maybe I missed where you said the reason, but why are your parents dispensing the Zoloft? Why don't you?

 

[foghlaim]

maybe cheyenne, you could set an alarm to go off when u are supposed to take your medication... that way your parents will be reminded and give it to you eveeryday, the way you are supposed to get it.

just an idea, i set my phone alarm to take mine in the mornings.. otherwise i don't wake up in time.

thinking of you and i really hope your parents contact the therapist, and that u feel a bit better soon.

nsa

 

[Halo]

Hi Cheyenne,

First I want to say that I don't think that your posts are confusing or mindless at at. I know for me that sometimes I just need to write/type things out on here to get it out of my head. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I think NSA had a great idea about setting a timer or clock as a reminder to ask your parents for the meds.

Also, don't dismiss the idea of the social worker, sometimes help comes when and with who you least expect it. (from personal experience I can say that).

Another thought I had was when you go away to your relatives for a few weeks, are your parents going to give you your medication to take with you? If so then maybe after that they will realize that you are more than capable of taking it by yourself. Just a thought?

Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Nancy

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

i know that you are seeing a counceller independantly from your parents, but have the three of you tried therapy together. Perhaps this could help with the way you all communicate?

 

[Cheyenne]

The thing I?m worried about with the social worker is that she?ll tell my parents that I injure myself. I?ve lied to them so many times about that, and the threats of not being able to walk the dogs because of it is very real. I have doubts that I?ll be able to convince them otherwise if a second adult tells them the truth. I?m afraid I?ll lose my freedom over it, especially since once they realize I?ve been lying to them about this for years they?re going to wonder what else I?ve lied about. During those two days in May where I talked to people, and the day I talked to the resource officer, I instilled full trust in them and was completely honest, I was too busy worrying about staying alive for another day than to be worrying about my parents finding things out. Shoot, my parents not only don?t know I SI, but they also don?t know about my notebook, the things that caused me to be like this, that I talked to the resource officer, or that I sought help for myself. And they?re thinking that the ?(I think) School counselors put the ideas in her head? - A direct quote from my dad when first meeting the old therapist.

The reason my parents are dispensing the Zoloft is because of all the potentially dangerous items and responsibilities I can be trusted with, apparently taking the medication that is supposed to help me is not something I should ever be trusted to do. According to the people at the psychiatric facility I was at for awhile.

My parents are going to give me my medication to take with me on my trip, though I don?t know whether or not they?ve advised my grandparents to handle it. I?m hoping that I can just take care of it myself, but I don?t know.

I don?t think therapy with my parents would work out, whenever I?m around them I become agitated, and when others are around I tend to silence myself and zone out, because in the past whenever I talked when they were around with other people, whether someone asked me a question or not, they?d just give me ?the look? that means I need to either be quiet or leave. So now whenever people ask me questions when they?re around my mind goes blank. Even an attempt at therapy with the three of us would be an irritating, and embarrassing, experience for everyone.

I think it helps some for me to just put everything on the table here, I don?t know, I think it?s just because I can reflect on everything; think about it.

Thank You.
Thank you for caring. Thank you for reading.

 

[foghlaim]

Hi cheyenne: just wondering how you are doing?


nsa

 

[Cheyenne]

Not so great, but thanks for asking. Yourself?

I babysat my best friend?s brother and sister for her for three days as a favor, and that kept my mind off things for awhile, but now I?m just back to where I was, again. I leave in two days for two weeks, I know I?ll live through then, I wouldn?t know where to get supplies to do anything and my relatives will probably be watching me like a hawk, but I really don?t want to go.

The truth is, suicide has become so very much appealing to me. There?s not much hope left in me that things can get better and stay that way for more than two weeks. I can realize the irrationality of my thoughts, but it doesn?t phase me at all. I don?t have the slightest idea of what to do.

 

[ThatLady]

Something occurred to me that I'd like to pursue with you, Cheyenne...

Is is possible that there is someone amongst the relatives you're going to stay with that might be more amenable to listening to you without judgement? You really sound like you need an advocate to help you get the care you need in a cooperative, supportive environment. That's something it sounds like you haven't really had. I realize you haven't seen these people in a couple of years, but it might be worth the effort to realy scrutinize these folks and see if there isn't someone with the compassion and foresight to understand how much you need, and want, help. It's sure worth a try.

 

[foghlaim]

Hi cheyenne: TL has a good idea there, i hope you can find some one you can confide in, as it will really help to be able to talk tosome one about how you feel. if by chance there isn't, thenif you can and there is an internet in the rlatives house, please log in here for support ok, we are always here for you ok.

thinking of you,

nsa

 

[Halo]

Cheyenne,

I just wanted to add that I hope that things work out well for you over the next two weeks. I too hope that you find someone to confide in or at least have internet access and you can come on here. Remember that we are always here for you, anytime.

Take Care and hope to hear from you soon.

 

[momof5]

Cheyenne
1. Never forget that you are a special person, no matter what you think right now.

2. Never worry about only posting what you feel and not going where you don't in here. We all understand and nobody is ever going to think anything badly towards you for not posting. That doesn't make you selfish or anything like that.

3. animals are great for therapy. I am totally for pet therapy for people. My dog and my birds are so important to me. Even the birds outside that I feed, I love listening to them. They remind me that God said, if that he would take care of the sparrows he would take care of me who he loved more then the sparrows.

5. Never loose hope. There is always hope in all things, even when we are down to the bottom, and we feel like nobody cares, there are people that do (like in here )

Just keep posting in here. Keep looking up, and look at yourself in the mirror and say I"m special. People do care about me.

Life isn't always easy for us. But we can make it through things that come our way. I pray that you find somone who will truly be confidental for you.

Keep us updated on how you are doing.

 

[Cheyenne]

I did find one relative that was willing to listen to me without judgment, but because of circumstances I didn?t disclose much, just clearing up rumors of what happened. But she made it perfectly clear that I could talk to her anytime, about anything, and she would tell no one. It?s possible that I go back sometime within the next year and just stay with them. I was pretty content while I was with her, but then I went back to a certain relative?s house which I couldn?t get along with at all. I?m not proud to admit it, but during a disagreement with the relative I couldn?t get along with, in which she hit my leg several times I did hit her, not harder than her hardest hit, and she called me ?vicious?. So the last couple of days when I was with her I was more miserable than I would?ve been at home.

I?ve did pretty good with not injuring myself while I was there, but I brought some stuff back that I really shouldn?t have. I know I shouldn?t have brought them back, or at least not have stored them in my room. I?ve had thoughts of suicide in the past couple of days, but not to the point of feeling willing to act on it, I?m just wondering if I?ll be able to hold my own until school starts and I find out what my mom has chosen to do about the whole therapist thing. And I took my medicine like I was supposed to, but I still don?t think they?re going to trust me to do it my own. That's a sort of update. I think.


Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. I appreciate it.
I probably would?ve posted earlier, but none of the places I stayed at had internet, and a lot didn?t have a computer at all.

 

[foghlaim]

I did find one relative that was willing to listen to me without judgment, but because of circumstances I didn?t disclose much, just clearing up rumors of what happened. But she made it perfectly clear that I could talk to her anytime, about anything, and she would tell no one. It?s possible that I go back sometime within the next year and just stay with them. I was pretty content while I was with her,

I'm delighted tohear that you were able to talk to at least one of your relatives Cheyenne.. and also that you didn't injure yorself while there.
well done!!
I'm sorry to hear that your last couple of days were miserable for you.. but i still think you did brilliantly not to injure yourself even tho you felt so miserable. so again well done to you. You should feel proud of yourself ok.

as for your meds, well you have proven that you can take them yourself, so maybe your mom will take that into considerationnow that you are home.
speaking of which.. do yourself a favour and get rid of whatever you brought home with you... it will only lead to temptation if\when you feel bad again ok.
as you have said above, you have proven already that you can feel downor whatever and not injure yourself.. and it's important to remember that.. ok.
So Please get throw whatever in the bin or somewhere else or give them to some one you trust to get rid of them for you.

I think you wrote a really good update
and i hope now that you are home you will come here and talk to us more often and get the help and support that we can give you.

Congratulations on getting thru your hols with relatives you hardly knew and for finding one that you can talk to anytime. Do you have her phone Number, maybe you can keep in touch with her and get her support as well ok

thanks for the update Cheyenne..
I look forward to your next post.

wishing you all the best, take care of you ok.

nsa