Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

[ThatLady]

You did well, Cheyenne. You didn't hurt yourself and that's a big step that you should be very proud of. You took your medications as you were supposed to take them. That's another really big and important step. You've found a relative with whom you can talk, and who seems to understand how important your privacy is. That's invaluable! Sounds to me like you had an excellent vacation time.

Just chuck out that stuff you brought home, Cheyenne. You don't need that. You've proven to yourself that you can do what it takes, and that you have what it takes to become what you want to be...a happy, healthy person. Give yourself credit for a job well-done and throw away the old baggage. You don't need that anymore. You have a friend/relative who understands and will listen, and you have us.

 

[momof5]

Hi Cheyenne,
I'm so sorry you had a rough time of it, but proud of you for not hurting yourself. I think that is a big step for you.

I'm also sorry you and your mom appear to not get along. I wish there were soemthing that I could say to you or to your mom to help that situation out. Our children are so precious to us, and a gift to us that we should value each day that we have them.

Just know that we value you here. And please don't forget it, and that you are special to everyone.

 

[Cheyenne]

I do have that relative?s phone number, I may or may not call her, I?m really bad at talking on the phone. But I remember she told me before I left that she?d pay for me to come back out and bring my dog. If school wasn?t coming close I?d probably take her up on that offer.

I?m trying to get rid of the stuff I brought home, but I haven?t found a way yet, I can?t get rid of it at my house, and I talked to my best friend but as she?s been going through a rough time lately and is known to cut we decided that wouldn?t be a wise idea. So I, stupidly, still have them in my possession. I?m honestly not sure how to get rid of them. The whole thing is driving me crazy, I think I?m getting better about it and then I get worse, it?s annoying. I think it even bothers me almost as much the suicidal thoughts do. And between the debilitating lack of energy and me resorting back to keeping myself away from the house and so busy until the reality that is the thoughts of suicide is distant, I get home and just completely crash. That?s why it usually takes me a couple days before I respond again.
On a slightly happier note, while discussing the disposal of the items I brought back, I ending up telling my friend the truth about my self-injury, in my years of doing it I had never told her but just knowing that I had lied for several years to someone, who had been completely honest with me about her self-injury, made me feel even worse. I didn?t need that. Not now. After making completely sure that nothing I would have said would?ve distressed her like I did when I told the truth about the suicidal thoughts, I told her. I had expected the worst, but she was nonchalant about it, that made me feel better, definitely gave me one less thing to feel bad about.

I wish me and my mom got along better, but it?s really more like mutual irritation when we are around each other. I have no clue what I do to get yelled at, especially when I get yelled at to do chores that they just watched me do, or anything like that. When I?m feeling okay I can take it, but when I?m not like I have been for the past three or so months, feels like three or so YEARS, I respond the same way and that just makes it worse.
Today when my mom realized that she?d forgotten to give me the Zoloft for the second day in a row I politely suggested that she let me handle it, that I had proved that I could be trusted with it over my vacation, to which she promptly slammed the door. I guess I?ll take that as a ?no?.

Thanks for caring.
Thanks for reading, I realize that this can probably be added to the list of painfully long posts I?ve made that seem to make no sense to me when I read back through it.

 

[foghlaim]

cheyene: yur post makes a lot of sense to me.. and you have posted some positive in there as well, well done. You have a wonderful friend there, and as you say you don't have to feel bad about lying to her anymore. BIG positive there.
the fact you have thought about trying to get rid of that stuff is really good, another big positive!! i wonder as a last resort, could you throw them in the trash bin or even some one elses trash bin on the day of collection or the night before?? just a thought.
Pity your mom keeps forgetting your meds, maybe you can talk to your therapist or counsellor about this, they may be able to sort someting out for you.
and if i were you, i'd take your relatives offer to talk to you up with her, if only to let her know you are okay. I'm sure she'd appreciate that and that you thought of her also.

thanks for the update.. and never worry about post being too long okay. they aren't. Post away cheyenne, we are here for you in any way we can be.

thinking of you,
nsa

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Cheyenne,
I just wanted to say that I am so glad that you were able to talk to your friend about your SI. Its also good to see that you took her similar condition into consideration when you told her. If she has only just found out that you have been suffering all along, it may trigger her. So I was glad when you mentioned that you were considerate in that respect. Now you can be there for each other, and that is so good for both of you.

 

[Cheyenne]

Thanks for the suggestion NSA, I threw the stuff in a trash can that was sitting at the curb this morning.

Also this morning I took a long walk and, I have no idea what possessed me to think it was a good idea, I decided that if my mom asked about any injury I?d tell the complete truth. Though I was pretty sure I?d just worked myself into a situation the day before that if I didn?t tell her she WAS going to find out on her own. So, she asked me - I told her with a lot of hesitation. I haven?t been able to make up my mind on whether telling her was a good idea at the present time. On one side, I am going to see the social worker tomorrow, and to the doctor sometime soon to discuss two random medical problems and about upping the dosage of the Zoloft. On the other side, my mom?s being a spaz, doesn?t want me to close my bedroom door, is planning to pile on more chores for me to do, and I have a bad feeling that I?m going to lose the privelage of walking the dogs on my own - or at all.
I guess, at best, my mom?s now taking this seriously instead of putting it off, and now I can get help for everything, including the self-injury since before I wouldn?t have been able to and keep my parents in the dark about it at the same time.

I'm lucky to have my best friend, I would never intentionally do/say something to her that I thought would bother/hurt her, and she does the same for me. It's just too bad that we don't get to hang out all that much.

Thank you all for being here for me, I really appreciate it.

 

[foghlaim]

Cheyenne: From a mothers view point, i can see very clearly that your mom is indeed taking you very seriously and has devised a plan to help you to keep occupied and will also make sure you get the help you need. You have even acknowledged this yourself!! which i think is only Brilliant.!!!

I'm delighted you threw that stuff away.. Well Done on taking a huge step in your recovery. (that temptation is now out of your way)
The door being left open to your bedroom (for a while, maybe a week or so) is another way for your mom to help you and you to help yourself, if you turn the negative thing about that around, from your own point of view, you are not likely to injure yourself if the door is open Right!
Your privelage on walking the dogs (alone) may or may not be removed, maybe you could suggest that both you and your mom walk them and use the time to talk about what has been happening for you.?? When you are ready to talk more to her that is ok.

Cheyenne, I can't tall you how proud I am of You for taking these huge steps to help yourself. You were very brave and couragous to tell you mom the truth, and if I could i would give you a huge big hug!!! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))).

I would agree with you that you are a very lucky Girl to have a real best friend, they are hard to find. In time when things settle down for you, you will i'm sure be able to hang out more.

Thank you for posting.. It was great to read such a positive post!!
and Cheyenne.. well done again!!!
I look forward to your next post.
(((more hugs)))

nsa

 

[Halo]

Cheyenne,

I am also very proud of you for being so open and honest with your mom. That took a lot of courage on your part and I just wanted to say well done. I remember after my hospitalization I was not allowed in my room too long without one of them (parents) coming to check on me and making sure that I was okay. I remember not even being allowed to shave my legs with a razor alone...how sad was that. At the time I thought that they didn't trust me and I now reflect and realize that they were trying (in their minds) to do what was best for me. I understand it now but at the time I didn't and was just resentful that they wouldn't give me my own space but at the same time it was nice to know that they understood the seriousness of the situation.

I think that NSA had a great idea about walking the dogs with your mom that way you have time to connect and talk. What a great idea. I don't know if that is feasible in your life but it might be worth a shot.

Anyway, Cheyenne congrats on getting rid of the stuff and the temptation. I think that what you did was an awesome thing and again I am so proud of you.

Take Care

 

[^^Phoenix^^]

Cheyenne,
wow, you have taken some huge steps in getting rid of the items you spoke of, and for telling your mum. The door, the chores.... they're her ways of dealin with what she's heard. It could be tough, and at times you may feel like you wish you hadn't told her, but at least, like you said, you can now get the help you need for that specifc issue too. Hang in there. We're proud of the steps you've taken.

-robin

 

[ThatLady]

I know you probably feel like you're living in a fishbowl at the moment, Cheyenne. That can't be easy. However, the up side of it all is that, by telling your mother, you've enlisted the help of those who love you to keep from doing things to hurt yourself. With their watchfulness, coupled with your willingness to do what's necessary to get well, and the help of a therapist...well, this is the beginning of your road to health. That's a good thing, even if the road is a little bumpy.

 

[Cheyenne]

Thank you.

After a lot of convincing and annoying her into giving in I got my mom to let me close the door within a day and walk the dogs on my own within two. Having her walk with me wouldn?t have worked because, in all honesty, I don?t think she could make the walk and she doesn?t like either of the dogs anyways.

I feeling kind of neutral right now, not happy, but not overly unhappy. My mom went ahead and upped the Zoloft on the third before seeing the doctor, but she forgot it today, of course. I saw the social worker on the third, I honestly didn?t remember her at all, but we still got along so it was okay. I see her again on the 8th I think and that?ll be the first ?real? session. Then I see the doctor I saw before sometime and then I?m going to have a physical as suggested by the social worker for memory problems and dizziness. The physical is the only thing that kind of scares me, and I have no idea why.

I?m definitely glad I got rid of that stuff, but telling my mom is still much more difficult to make up my mind about - When I?m at home I think it was a horrible idea and that I shouldn?t have done it; Before my dad came back home when I was taking early morning walks by myself (Not allowed to when he?s here) and while walking the dogs or at the social worker?s place it felt like it was a good idea. It?s confusing.

Now I just need to figure out how to fix my sleep cycle?I have three days to change the time I wake up by 12 hours and then keep in that way for nine months?.

Again, Thank You for all the support you?ve shown me.

 

[foghlaim]

HI Cheyenne..

how's things with you these days??

thinking about you and wondering how you are getting on..


nsa

 

[Cheyenne]

I?ve been okay.
I?ve been busy, but I try to come on here everyday and read everything and I?ve been working with my dogs and on my photography in my free time - My two favorite things to do.
I?ve been seeing the therapist weekly, nothing special there. I still get an occasional suicidal thought, but it?s not completely bothersome like it was before and I haven?t injured myself since I disposed of the things I brought back from my trip. Wearing a rubber band or two on my wrist has helped a lot with that, I?m glad I read that suggestion on this forum. This forum?s helped me a lot. I'd really like to attempt to help out/encourage other people but since school started I have less time.

Thanks for asking, I hope you?re doing well too, NSA, and everyone else too

 

[ThatLady]

I'm glad to hear you're doing well, Cheyenne. Keeping busy is important, and it's good that you're able to do that. With the dogs, the photography, and all the other things in your life, you're living large, girl! Kudos to you! :hug:

 

[Halo]

Cheyenne,

I am glad to hear that you are doing better and that you are keeping busy. Good luck with school and keep us updated whenever you can.

Take care

 

[foghlaim]

Hi Cheyenne...
thanks for the update.. it's great to see you are doing well.. reallyy well actually.. You should be proud of yourself... i am proud of you.. you really have come along way.. well done.!!

You are helping others, even tho you may not realise it... just by being here and posting your thoughts and feelings and how things are going..
Doing this is helpful to a lot of ppl.
So thank you!!

let us know from time to time..how u are getting on okay..
delighted to hear from you.

take care and well done again.
nsa

 

[Cat Dancer]

That's really great.

You do help out here. You have amazing courage and reading about it helps other people, more than you can know.

Take care.

 

[Cheyenne]

Thanks for the comments, I really appreciate it

Yeah, I guess I’ve been doing real well, except I’m not doing so great in school, but other than that things are mostly okay.
But I'd like to be a little less busy.

The only thing is I really want to be switched off the Zoloft to something else or something, because every time the dosage is upped my memory gets worse, I get more spaced out, and I suddenly get extremely dizzy and weak with blurred vision more often - which sometimes causes me to fall. I’m not completely sure if it is from the medicine, but either way it’s extremely annoying and I don’t know when I’m going back to the doctor.

Also, because I never really actually introduced myself, I’ve added a post in introductions to make up for that. I know quite a bit about you guys from what you’ve posted about yourselves, you might as well know a little more about me

Again, thanks for the comments, I REALLY appreciate it, a lot. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. Well, you might, I really don't know.