Does anyone else feel this way?

[Raina]

Well here goes...I was having a reasonable day...I got a bit more done than I have been able to because I had a longer sleep last night than I have been having. Then out of the blue I feel disconnected...anxious, paranoid and start having thoughts that bad things could happen to me...especially things that have happened before...I don't know what to do...I feel like talking to someone but I would not know what to say or where to begin because I don't know what is wrong...I just don't feel right...a wave of uncertainty washes over me...I am not hungry, thirsty, sleepy or anything...I ate my dinner...the worst is feeling like I need to talk to someone but just not knowing what to say.....sadly I have no one to call either so that does not help but I have the distress centre number but I don't call them because I don't know what to say...

I feel during these times like there is something inside me that wants to burst out of me...I remember having that feeling since I was 19....but it is not as intense as it was back then...I think it is rage...because a lot of that has come out of me in the last twelve months....but I have lots of reasons to be angry ...can't point to what is bothering me in the moment...no one triggered me because no one has communicated with me in the last few hours...sigh...I hate this feeling...

 

[Daniel E.]

Regarding uncertainty:

From the point of view of Buddhist psychology or mindfulness practice, not knowing is seen to be the truth of how things are. We don't know what the next moment will bring. Having an open mind, or as Zen master Suzuki Roshi put it, a "beginner's mind" or a "ready mind," is regarded as sane and good. How can we respond to how things are if we are already sure we know how they are?

Paradoxically, when we become at home with not knowing, then we are able to be more clear about what we really do know.

Meditation: Practice in Not Knowing | Psychology Today

 

[Raina]

Thanks Daniel...

I followed the link and read the whole piece...it helped to calm me...

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey there Raina, maybe you could talk to your therapist about it? It could be like you said, something bubbling to the surface. Almost sounds a bit like an anxiety attack. Do you ever feel like you are short of breath or feel your heart racing, or feel your heartbeat pounding in your ears? Do you notice when you feel this way that your breathing faster and less deeply (hyperventilating) and can you calm down by taking deep breaths in and slowly letting them out again (usually count 4 for breathing in and 5 for breathing out)... I suppose you could also see a physician about it... Sudden changes in hormones or other issues can cause big changes in a body. But a doctor or therapist would probably be able to figure out if it was physical issues causing psychological reactions, or psychological issues causing physical reactions...

 

[Raina]

Hi Jollygreenjellybean,

I feel like I am out of my body...like I am someone different entirely and that something or someone wants to just burst out of my body and the pressure is around my mouth and yes it does affect my breath...my breathing becomes more rapid...I am in the process of looking for a new therapist...not easy when I cannot pay...I am on many waiting lists....I can talk about it in group therapy though...I have a group today....writing it out on the forum helped a lot...thank you for your reply...I will seek help and hopefully find answers....I was thinking that it was an anxiety attack too....sigh...my plight goes on and on...

 

[Always Changing]

Raina,
I wonder if having a look at some of the grounding techniques or maybe you have some that you know yourself\can rely on to work for you, maybe if you can try to think of those when you begin to feel disconnected. I do understand that different people have different ways, techniques that work for them, so anything that helps you to connect again is good.
I am inclined to agree with it being anxiety related. For me if my anxiety levels spike really high.. I sometimes find that If in my mind, I start panicking and of course that only increasing the levels and then .. doesn't take long at times.. I am not where I should be.. ie here\present. Yet I (sometimes) can be so aware of what is going on... its a weird place to be in or not in as the case may be.. It can be like for me.. that I am on the outside watching, like an observer. I use this to think and remember then what I can do to reconnect.
There are at times when what worked for me at one time, will not work now.. So I use the forum here for other ideas on how to ground\connect again.
The most important thing that works for me and I gather lots of other people too is to take notice of my breathing and work on that alone ( 1st) to bring it back to normal levels.

Don't know if this is of any help to you, just thought I could relate in some ways to the disconnection.

 

[amastie]

Hi Raina,

if it's not an anxiety attack, it sounds very much like somthing that you would have experienced more than once before (pleas correct me if I'm wrong). I am strongly drawn to what I think of as Zen techniques in letting go such as the link Daniel has used, but I also know that there is inside me a stronger presence or will to sabotage any benefit from such a practice (indeed, to be able to do it at all).

Would it help at those times when this experience does overwhelm you, to sit back from it for a very brief moment to remind yourelf that this is part of an ongoing experience that won't go away despite doing everything right, and even in the midst of feeling well. I mean by that, accepting that it is something that *will* happen - so you're not so caught offguard by it when it happens. Such thouhts and feelings may well happen in the midst of a "good" day precisely because, on good days, you let down your inner guard which would otherwise say "Don't let this good feeling fool you into believing that the illness has gone. By all means *enjoy* the good day, but see it as operating in a sea that changes. Nothing wrong with that. Seas, and people, are constantly active and changing. I suppose my thought, which may or may not be similar to Daniels, is to go with the flow as much as you can. When the sand beneath you shifts, and familar, sabotaging thoughts strike against you, allow yourself to recall "The too shall pass" as it has in the past (if that has been so for you) - and while it lasts, work in anyway you can to weather the storm until it does pass. For me personally, when I am most troubled is the very last time I can be mindful of anthing. My choices seem to be taken from me for that time. That is why I add my su ggestioin, to weather the strorm - with medicatioins, seeing a therapist, ring a friend for support... anything just to get yourself through it. When you are through it, *that's* when I would be practising letting go, to help build up your inner strength for when such an "attack" will happen again. Letting go, a form of meditation, is someting that I find *always* builds inner strength. (I have a "man" inside me that won't let me go there at all. Maybe one day I will. I have found that such a practise is pehaps the most important of my life - much more effective than any medication or any therapist.

Stay in touch here, ok? Most of us here understand what it is to have our lives run out of control, and *not* know why! Absolutely horrible!

Weathering the storm till you *can* act is often all that can be done. But to weather that storm *consciously*, keep affirming that it is happening *to* you, but is *not you*, is really helpul. I know that there is more I could say in this thread but I must not linger now.

Take very good care

:hug:

:hug:We're all thinking of you

 

[Raina]

Hi,

Thank you for all the support and good ideas...the feeling passed at around 11 p.m. last night and yes Amastie it has been happening for years but this is the first time that I have reached out and told someone what is happening...before I would hold it in...just like sleeping...once I let out that I am having the problem...it seems to correct itself...for two nights now I have had six hours sleep over the three or four that I have been having. Seven or eight hours is a dream for me now...but I'll take six hours..

What helped was accepting that I did not know and to ask myself questions and reassure myself...my bills are paid, I have a roof over my head and can afford to have a roof over my head for a long time...I have food in my belly and in the cupboards and fridge, I have the mental health forum plus my group therapy to go to for support and to engage with people in a meaningful way...I also hugged my giant teddy bear and ate and ate and ate...I've put on weight in the last two months but I am not beating myself up over it...I am doing the internal work so that is my focus now...when I am able to work on my weight I will again...so I guess I was grounding...I kept asking myself are you in immediate danger...is there anyone threatening you in this moment...I told myself that I was safe in my apartment and my neighbours have no idea what is going on inside...I have privacy...something which was an issue growing up and even as a young adult...so I just kept checking in on things that were a problem before and affirmed that they are not a problem now...I am finally safe so I can continue the process of learning to relax and relieve my tension...

So I guess summed up it was a combination of the support from all of you on the forum and a lot of self talk and grounding that got me through it...as I write it is coming up again but not as severe as it was last night...I am going to hug my teddy bear...

 

[amastie]

Raina said: " I guess summed up it was a combination of the support from all of you on the forum and a lot of self talk and grounding that got me through it...as I write it is coming up again but not as severe as it was last night...I am going to hug my teddy bear.."

Great! And I would still recommend the meditation as a way of helping to build up your inner strength for when it happens in future as *well* as hugging your teddy bear