ok, so my time away from "myself" pretty much just came down to more time to think about this crap. I guess, it is kind of impossible to get away from yourself though, lol. The only thing I find helps is to be at a place w/ people who keep you busy ie. going out and not coming home that night. I just feel really torn between everything, like if I realize I have a problem (ed) then shouldn't I be in a position to get help? but I don't know who to turn to. and I hate admitting to problems. you try to become the person who least deserves the help, you don't think you deserve anything better, so why would you deserve help, right? I was talking to a friend of mine today and she said that often our own fears and expectations are what make us feel stuck in a situation and not the situation itself. I completely agree that my fears of what will happen/people's reactions etc. and my expectations of having to live up to that perfect image (in all regards of my life) keep me from reaching out to those options, so I feel stuck... but how do I get around that????
I honestly don't have a lot of hope that I will ever recover from my ed... and I am afraid that I won't ever be truly happy... b/c I find that now w/ getting amazing grades, having friendships, having a job/volunteering, and doing all the things I've always wanted to do things are great but at the end of the day there's this big void. a whole lot of emptiness. what was scary was that she (the person I talked to) could see that I wasn't happy which bugs me b/c I don't want to be "that" person but it's a relief somehwat but again I'm thinking of a million and one ways to "repair" that... you can't succeed at this battle if you're fighting yourself!!!! I've been fighting ME now since nine years. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to keep on living this "perect" life, to achieve all of those goals I have only to find myself 40 and miserable.... I can't see any ways out.... I couldn't even manage to go to counseling (granted, the fit just didn't work, but I couldn't even do that)! I'm in a position where I'm expected to be competent, have all the answers etc. there's no room for "ok, hold on, actually things aren't ok and everything that you ever thought about me is wrong". I got to the point last year where I couldn't even recognize myself anymore in the mirror- that's scary.
I never thought I was depressed. Or I didn't want to believe it. Like w/ everything else. I said, just today, no I am generally happy but obviously there's times when things aren't as good.... I don't even believe myself but I can't help but think this way! I don't know why I push away every person that has every wanted to help and yet cry for someone to please help me. I feel like screaming a lot and I can't so it just ends up being this deathly scream inside my head- so loud it could break windows, yet it's silent. I can't cry. I don't feel. I feel dead a lot, did I say that before? I *c* so much yesterday and what do I feel like? nothing. I had gotten over si and was better w/ eating and before I knew it I was back where I started. if I can't go and get help, then will I ever be ok on my own??? will I be able to fight this myself????? Is there ANY hope???????? I have none right now.
plssss.... anyone????
I honestly don't have a lot of hope that I will ever recover from my ed... and I am afraid that I won't ever be truly happy... b/c I find that now w/ getting amazing grades, having friendships, having a job/volunteering, and doing all the things I've always wanted to do things are great but at the end of the day there's this big void. a whole lot of emptiness. what was scary was that she (the person I talked to) could see that I wasn't happy which bugs me b/c I don't want to be "that" person but it's a relief somehwat but again I'm thinking of a million and one ways to "repair" that... you can't succeed at this battle if you're fighting yourself!!!! I've been fighting ME now since nine years. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to keep on living this "perect" life, to achieve all of those goals I have only to find myself 40 and miserable.... I can't see any ways out.... I couldn't even manage to go to counseling (granted, the fit just didn't work, but I couldn't even do that)! I'm in a position where I'm expected to be competent, have all the answers etc. there's no room for "ok, hold on, actually things aren't ok and everything that you ever thought about me is wrong". I got to the point last year where I couldn't even recognize myself anymore in the mirror- that's scary.
I never thought I was depressed. Or I didn't want to believe it. Like w/ everything else. I said, just today, no I am generally happy but obviously there's times when things aren't as good.... I don't even believe myself but I can't help but think this way! I don't know why I push away every person that has every wanted to help and yet cry for someone to please help me. I feel like screaming a lot and I can't so it just ends up being this deathly scream inside my head- so loud it could break windows, yet it's silent. I can't cry. I don't feel. I feel dead a lot, did I say that before? I *c* so much yesterday and what do I feel like? nothing. I had gotten over si and was better w/ eating and before I knew it I was back where I started. if I can't go and get help, then will I ever be ok on my own??? will I be able to fight this myself????? Is there ANY hope???????? I have none right now.
plssss.... anyone????