Friend not helping in recovery...what do i do??

[Little_Girl_Blue]

I posted here earlier this year because I wasn't sure if I actually had an eating disorder. Well, turns out I did...and was hospitalized a few months later with anorexia (which, um, wasn't fun at all). One of the only friends I have visited me at the hospital and was very supportive at the time. But now...when I'm back at my normal weight and trying really hard to recover (I still have trouble with meals and the thoughts)...well, now when I need her support the most, she turns up several pounds lighter and telling me that she thinks she's developing an ED. I actually saw this coming - she's very competitive in terms of illnesses. I've spent years trying to help her with her problems, but I see now that she's more interested in getting pity than getting better. I think she can't stand the fact that I went through a serious illness. She wants the spotlight back or something. It makes me sick. Now she's going around telling me how people around her are all worried about her losing weight etc...while nobody even noticed or said anything to me when I had a bmi of 15. I can't afford to be around her right now, but I also don't want to lose her as a friend. Am I being really selfish here? I tried to tell her several times that I didn't want to be triggered...but she can't control herself. She keeps going on about losing weight and dropping dress sizes and restricting.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't think you're being selfish at all -- I think you're being realistic. She knows you are in recovery and if she can't or won't accept that her behavior makes this more difficult for you, she isn't much of a friend. It seems to me that the person being selfish here is your so-called "friend".

First and foremost, right now you need to take care of yourself and pay attention to what you need. When you are stronger, perhaps then you can afford to be a little more sympathetic to her need for attention, but not right now.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

selfish???

hello, No hun you are not at all selfish .. when you are recovering it is really hard to hear people talking about losing weiight and getting thinnr and all that stuff even if they are eating right so i can only imagine what it's like when they are starving it just reminds you of hw you were and maybe even gets a bit tempting cuz well being anorexic is easier than beeting anorexia but in the long run the stronger on is the one that beets it .. Your friend is being not very helpfull sure she is in a difficult time but you should not be the one that she turns to she should turn to specialist not you who is still fighting to keep control .. Don't find yourself selfish .. on the other hand you should tell your friend that for the time being if she is only going to tlk about the weight she lost and all the stuff she does to lose it then you 2 are probably better off appart until she comes to her sences and figures out that you don't deserve what she is doing and hearing it all.
yours trully ashley
keep up the good work on recovery think about yourself .. you won't be considered selfish ..

 

[Eunoia]

hey vivien. how are things going? see I understand what you mean w/ wanting to keep her as a friend but in the end if friends are hurting you in whatever way they're either not your friends or it's time to take a break. I don't think people understand this concept but it is totally ok to take some time "off" from this friendship. focus on yourself. maybe people are saying things to her when they weren't saying anything to you b/c they realized what you went through and they want to help her. and as much as you may want to be there for her too you can't until you are better. and if you want her as a friend it also won't work until she understands that she is not only not helping you in your recovery but actually preventing you from getting better. she really must not understand what an eating disorder is at all based on how she is acting. maybe she does have her problems, but hun, you can't focus on that if you have any hope of keeping your sanity and getting through this. congrats btw on trying to get better.

your "friend" sounds very encompassed w/ the whole "glamour" of an ed...ie. the attention that comes at one point or the other, whether good or bad, and then fulfilling that wish to lose "a few lbs" and just plain being in control. you told her that she's triggering you and she keeps on shoving her behaviour in your face- that is not what a friend! focus on yourself, k? and no, you're not being selfish hun and if you are in the slightest way it's being selfish to get yourself better, thus it's being selfish for the right reasons

 

[katelynw]

i know EXACTLY what your going through... my ex best friend did they same thing to me and i hate her now... it may be immature but i think its immature to have an eating disorder just for attention. Its annoying... and then when you are finally ready to get better they start rubbing it in your face that they are losing weight. I just dont talk to this girl or try to avoid her because it doesnt help me that shes always telling me how skinny she is... these illnesses are very competitive and if your starting to get better, id say stay away from her...itll only make you want to compete with her and get back to your old habits... well good luck and keep me posted on how it all turns out!
katelyn

 

[Little_Girl_Blue]

This is a really tough situation. I love my friend a lot, but we do have to stay away from each other for the time being. I think she understands that now. I don't know why she behaved as she did, but I'm sure it wasn't her intention to trigger me. She must have been unaware that I'm still in a pretty unstable state.

Anyway, thanks for the support.

 

[KiM]

it is so important that you surround yourself with people that support you and that arethere for you 100% ... other people will onlt idistract you from what you are achieving. ou need to be surroudned by positivity, understanding and love and if someone is not giving you that, then its best to leave them for a while .... yiou need to regain your strenght and self esteem and that is what takes priority,,,, this is vital to your recovery. to be surrounded by people that love, respect, guide and understand you ... those are the people that heloed me through my summe this year and i will forever be endebted to them. really.
real friends will look at yoiu and know you adn understand the support you need. they wouldnt turn around and focus on your weakness. maybe she didnt realise the effect she was having on yoiu and then you two shoul sit down and really talk about the whole situation, ... and sort things out.
i really hope you get trough this. it is so so important!!!!!
xx