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hugsy

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do friendships with ex lovers work? can there be true friendship after a break up?
 

David Baxter

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ex friendships

Certainly. In my life it has happened -- not often, but it has happened (twice). Sometimes, depending on the circumstances of the breakup, it may take a while for one or both of you to get past the hurt.
 

just mary

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ex friendships

It's happened in my life also. Both people have to be willing and mature enough to handle it, and I also think it has a lot to do with how the relationship ended.
 

hugsy

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ex friendships

i'm considering it, have said i would give it a try. not sure if i'm ready. but am willing. he is too. actually he always wanted us to remain friends. we always were friends during our relationship. not sure if it will work but will give it a try. any advice on how to handle it?
 

just mary

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ex friendships

Hi,

You sound a bit hesitant but that's alright, it's good to be a bit cautious. As for advice, I could say a few things:

1. Remember that you are not a couple anymore, a dinner out will just be a dinner out, afterwards you'll probably each go your seperate ways.

2. He'll date again, meet someone new, are you prepared to deal with that and with her (she might feel a bit odd about her boyfriend hanging out with his ex - which is understandable).

3. Don't expect him to treat you the same way, he might look at you as just "one of the guys" now, which means no more perks since he's not going to "get any". Oh my, I hope that didn't sound too cynical, I know not all men are like that. :)

Maybe I'll stop now before I get myself into more trouble, but good luck and take care Hugsy!
 

ThatLady

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ex friendships

I've had it work and had it fail. So much depends on the people involved and their determination to be friends through thick and thin. It's not always easy, and memories that surface can make it more difficult. Some people can deal with problems like this more easily than others. You'll just have to take it slowly and see where things go from here.
 

hugsy

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ex friendships

we tried it before a few times. each time, i told him i couldn't do it because i still had feelings for him and it was too hard. i still have feelings for him now. so i'm not sure about it working now either. i think he still has feelings for me too but doesn't want a commitment. i will give it another try. but i don't know.
 

Impunity Jane

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ex friendships

Hugsy,

I would be very cautious in your case, since you say you have feelings for him and think he may too. To me, this is setting yourself up for false hopes of it turning into something else. Also, you are denying what you want, a full relationship, in order to give him what he wants, the benefit of having you as a friend and maybe acting out some of his desires for intimacy without any commitment.

The biggest problem is that as long as you stay involved with this guy, you are unlikely to get involved with someone else. I would tell him I need time to get over my feelings and I'll let him know when I'm ready to see him as a friend. That probably won't happen until you have another man in your life.
 

hugsy

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ex friendships

hi Jane,
it has been a bit rocky. sometimes hard, sometimes easy. but yes, i do find myself wishing for the kind of relationship we had when we were living together. and wonder if that can happen again. he says no, but i think maybe. i don't know how long this will continue. maybe until i meet someone new. i'm staying open to meeting new people.
 

hugsy

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ex friendships

this is so hard. i don't even know why i am trying to do this. at what point do you say to yourself "it's worth having this friendship, even if it hurts sometimes" and at what point do you give up? what am i holding on to? his reasons for wanting us to be friends are my definition of love. i don't understand him. ugh
 

David Baxter

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ex friendships

I think what you probably need to do is start defining the boundaries for this "new" friendship according to what you are comfortable with. So far, it seems like he's defining the 'rules" and you are waiting for clarification and trying to understand what they are. You might find it easier if you took the initiative...

If that doesn't work, sometimes Monty Python's fish-slapping dance will help ease the tension a bit... ;o)
 

hugsy

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thanks David

monty python eh? humor does help

i just feel so frustrated. maybe i want more than friendship. :-(
 

David Baxter

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I suspect you do. But it seems he doesn't. Therein lies the problem, of course. But at the moment he is setting all the "rules" while you wait patiently hoping they'll start to turn in your favor. That sense of helplessness will only prolong your distress.
 

hugsy

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ex friendships

i feel horrible today. how do i turn this around? what do i do? i can't stand feeling helpless, waiting for him to want the same thing i want. i realize i've been doing just that. waiting. when i feel like this i just feel like running. am i running away from finding a solution or am i running away for my own best interest? i feel confused.
 

David Baxter

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That's exactly what I'm talking about, Hugsy. It's the waiting helplessly that is making this all so difficult for you. If you need to run away from him for a while to find peace, so be it -- that is often the case in such situations. It may well be that you can be comfortably "just friends" at some point in the future but it may not be possible just now.
 

hugsy

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i've done that a few times already. told him that i can't be his friend for the moment. maybe i can never see him as just a friend. :-(
i'm confused about the finding peace thing.
the weather today matches my feelings. :-( stormy
 

hugsy

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ex friendships

he's talking about maybe getting into a relationship with a woman he's dated twice.
i can't do this. i just sent him an email telling him goodbye :-(
 

ThatLady

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ex friendships

Good for you. It sounds to me like this guy is mostly thinking about himself and what he wants. He has little thought for you and your feelings. Best thing to do, in my opinion, is to cut him loose.
 

hugsy

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ex friendships

i know it's best but it's still hard. it's been almost two years since we split up and i still feel the same toward him. i wish someone would come into my life who would help me forget him. i need to.
 

David Baxter

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ex friendships

But in truth the first step is letting go of him. Even if someone new came into your life today, would you be ready to have him in your life? Maybe someone new has already come into your life but you weren't able to see him because you hadn't yet let go of this person.
 

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