Dealing with friendships

[boi]

This is weird. I have a friendship with someone whom I thought was a better friend than what she really is. I have started to realize that this person is not a close friend. What I consider close anyway. I feel rejected. I have known her for years and I was always so bloody open with her and now I realize that its not reciprocal. I think I've opened my eyes to the way things are for real and not how I saw them in my head. How disappointing. I am a very loyal friend and I would do anything friends ask me for. Fix this, teach me that etc...But now I think its just convenient for them. No special efforts made for me. I wont accept this. I just don't know how to have boundaries without it being a game. I feel like most people don't give a damn about others or I care too much and I expect people to care as much as me. I am trying not to take things personally but its so hard not to. Am I too intense? well that's who I am. People who like intelligent and different conversations appreciate me so why bother with people who don't get me. I guess I'm just disappointed and disillusioned with the whole friendship thing.

 

[Daniel E.]

Fix this, teach me that etc...But now I think its just convenient for them. No special efforts made for me.

As you may know, some typical advice is to communicate such concerns using I-statements:

For dealing with a friend who puts her needs above yours: Calmly explain how her behavior effects you and ask to find a compromise...If her “I’m more important” attitude doesn’t change, it might be time to distance yourself from this person.

When Friends Behave Badly: The Friend Who Is Too Demanding

Also:
When Friends Behave Badly: The Friend Who Takes Advantage
http://forum.psychlinks.ca/family-a...ts-interviews-with-sociologist-jan-yager.html

 

[boi]

thanks Daniel
I am watching the videos. I know its also me though as well, unrealistic expectations. I "drop" things to hang out. I thought this was normal in a friendship if spending time with people is important. But obviously she would not drop things nor make a special effort.
I am overly sensitive as well. I do blame myself.

 

[Daniel E.]

People who like intelligent and different conversations appreciate me so why bother with people who don't get me.

I am overly sensitive as well.

On that note:

Dr. Elaine Aron-- who originally identified sensitivity as a "trait," rather than a "pathology"-- is a big proponent of HSPs [highly-sensitive persons] befriending their peers. Now, that may sound a bit "exclusive," but the truth of the matter is that friends are like our chosen family. Whereas it may sound all nicely egalitarian and politically correct to choose "diversified" friends, the basic truth remains that we choose people to be with because we enjoy their company.

Speaking from personal experience, I happen to like the company of HSPs... and I highly recommend finding and making some HSP friends. Maybe that sounds hard... but it needn't be. Most of my HSP friends started as friends in cyberspace that eventually turned into "real life" friends. Remember, you always have the right to make friends at a pace that "feels right" to you, and the relative slowness of the Internet often works well for HSPs.

HSP Topics: The Challenge of Friendships