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Impunity Jane
Member
ex friendships
Hi Hugsy, I only check in from time to time, it seems this is really bothering you.
For me, letting go of someone usually means the rational, grown-up part of myself has to take charge and say firmly 'what you want is never going to happen' to the more emotional, child part of myself.
When the feelings come back intensely I sit down and make a list on paper of all the reasons it can't, won't, wouldn't ever have worked. I write down all the things I need that he can't give me, and all the things I didn't like about how he behaved.
I also remind myself of someone else in the past, that it was agony to let go of, but now when I think about him I say, what was the big deal, what did I see in him?
And I find the instant I meet someone else who I'm interested in, the other guy is forgotten. Anything you can do to get out and flirt, even if you don't follow it up, would help.
Hi Hugsy, I only check in from time to time, it seems this is really bothering you.
For me, letting go of someone usually means the rational, grown-up part of myself has to take charge and say firmly 'what you want is never going to happen' to the more emotional, child part of myself.
When the feelings come back intensely I sit down and make a list on paper of all the reasons it can't, won't, wouldn't ever have worked. I write down all the things I need that he can't give me, and all the things I didn't like about how he behaved.
I also remind myself of someone else in the past, that it was agony to let go of, but now when I think about him I say, what was the big deal, what did I see in him?
And I find the instant I meet someone else who I'm interested in, the other guy is forgotten. Anything you can do to get out and flirt, even if you don't follow it up, would help.
ex friendships
My sympathy, Hugsy. I was having a terrible time waiting for somebody else to decide my fate in a similar way. I felt I would go mad waiting for his decision. In the end, I decided myself never to see him again. It was horribly hard, but at least then I knew where I was heading, and it had been my choice. Every time this man smashes your hopes to the ground, isn't it like the initial pain all over again? How many times can you live through that in two years? If this man was any kind of friend, he would see your distress and stop contacting you. I read that the Rotweiller that savages you cannot also be the doctor who heals you. Do you want to be his friend, or do you want to get well? Sometimes, we can't do both but at least, by dropping him, you get to decide the ending, with dignity.
My sympathy, Hugsy. I was having a terrible time waiting for somebody else to decide my fate in a similar way. I felt I would go mad waiting for his decision. In the end, I decided myself never to see him again. It was horribly hard, but at least then I knew where I was heading, and it had been my choice. Every time this man smashes your hopes to the ground, isn't it like the initial pain all over again? How many times can you live through that in two years? If this man was any kind of friend, he would see your distress and stop contacting you. I read that the Rotweiller that savages you cannot also be the doctor who heals you. Do you want to be his friend, or do you want to get well? Sometimes, we can't do both but at least, by dropping him, you get to decide the ending, with dignity.
ex friendships
i want to get well. i want him out of my system no matter how hard. and it is hard. i want to feel that i chose myself over him. i want to keep my dignity. i don't want to let him smash my hopes anymore. i'm tired. i want to stop feeling what i feel for him. and i want to figure out how to stop reacting to rejection in the way that i'm reacting. i want to learn how to deal with rejection so that it doesn't affect me in such a strong way. i want to stop romanticizing and see the truth, accept the truth and let it go so that i can enjoy my life. i want to eventually find someone whom i can be happy with. i want to be well within myself so that when i do meet someone i can give it a real chance and not have all this baggage interfering and making things difficult.
in the meantime i'll do the list thing. every time i want to contact him i'll sit down and write all the negative stuff about him and the relationship we had. for some reason i have been remembering the good things and not the bad.
thanks for your replies. i've been wanting to contact him (very strongly today) and have been making myself not do it. i've been doing it by sheer will. but the list thing is a better idea because it reminds me of the stuff i don't like, the stuff that makes me angry and that will keep me from contacting him more effectively than sheer will. sometimes i lack will power, so the list is a very good idea.
strength makes me feel good. he takes away my strength.
sigh
i want to figure out why i love this man. there must be a reason that i'm not seeing and is keeping me from moving on.
i want to get well. i want him out of my system no matter how hard. and it is hard. i want to feel that i chose myself over him. i want to keep my dignity. i don't want to let him smash my hopes anymore. i'm tired. i want to stop feeling what i feel for him. and i want to figure out how to stop reacting to rejection in the way that i'm reacting. i want to learn how to deal with rejection so that it doesn't affect me in such a strong way. i want to stop romanticizing and see the truth, accept the truth and let it go so that i can enjoy my life. i want to eventually find someone whom i can be happy with. i want to be well within myself so that when i do meet someone i can give it a real chance and not have all this baggage interfering and making things difficult.
in the meantime i'll do the list thing. every time i want to contact him i'll sit down and write all the negative stuff about him and the relationship we had. for some reason i have been remembering the good things and not the bad.
thanks for your replies. i've been wanting to contact him (very strongly today) and have been making myself not do it. i've been doing it by sheer will. but the list thing is a better idea because it reminds me of the stuff i don't like, the stuff that makes me angry and that will keep me from contacting him more effectively than sheer will. sometimes i lack will power, so the list is a very good idea.
strength makes me feel good. he takes away my strength.
sigh
i want to figure out why i love this man. there must be a reason that i'm not seeing and is keeping me from moving on.
ex friendships
Hugsy I am in a similar situation and I am forever trying to figure out the connection between us - I could write an essay on our history but won't (far too long!) and I'll probably end out confusing myself again - like what you seem to be doing!
.. So I'll just say that now, although (to be honest) my heart hasn't written him out of my future, I have decided to take myself out of the situation where we see eachother often, because we are both weak for eachother - but it just doesn't seem to be right -probably partly because I've been so unhappy with myself and depressed but I just don't know really. I'm leaving the country in a few weeks (not entirely because of him) .
I Loved your last post - as well as the list, why don't you turn all those 'wants' into 'ams' - 'i am getting well' ... 'i have kept my dignity' ... even if you don't believe them! - they are amazing statements that you could affirm to hold onto your strength. - I might borrow them myself! ( But hold up when it gets to ' i want to contact him' etc! - Perhaps 'I don't need to contact him' )
I am feeling generally positive about my own future now, but I sure do still get those pangs for him but realise they generally hold me back from the options available to me - I love him lots but am letting go, and still have friendship with him which I would hate to lose. Love and strength to you : )
Hugsy I am in a similar situation and I am forever trying to figure out the connection between us - I could write an essay on our history but won't (far too long!) and I'll probably end out confusing myself again - like what you seem to be doing!
.. So I'll just say that now, although (to be honest) my heart hasn't written him out of my future, I have decided to take myself out of the situation where we see eachother often, because we are both weak for eachother - but it just doesn't seem to be right -probably partly because I've been so unhappy with myself and depressed but I just don't know really. I'm leaving the country in a few weeks (not entirely because of him) .
I Loved your last post - as well as the list, why don't you turn all those 'wants' into 'ams' - 'i am getting well' ... 'i have kept my dignity' ... even if you don't believe them! - they are amazing statements that you could affirm to hold onto your strength. - I might borrow them myself! ( But hold up when it gets to ' i want to contact him' etc! - Perhaps 'I don't need to contact him' )
I am feeling generally positive about my own future now, but I sure do still get those pangs for him but realise they generally hold me back from the options available to me - I love him lots but am letting go, and still have friendship with him which I would hate to lose. Love and strength to you : )
Impunity Jane
Member
ex friendships
Hi Hugsy,
I have not read it but there is a book called "Don't call that man!", about how to let go in your situation - It hadn't been published when I needed it. One big part of the process is to make sure you don't have any contact with the guy until you are over him.
Don't Call That Man!: A Survival Guide to Letting Go: Findling, Rhonda: 8601406331365: Amazon.com: Books.
There is also the bestselling book 'He's just not that into you' which is kind of silly but does help to knock some sense into you, and remind you of your own value so you can walk away.
So it is a very common problem to feel so attached to someone who at first seemed to offer so much and then doesn't want a relationship. I think our self-worth is tied in to having the relationship. But you can get over the feelings and come back to yourself, it will just take time when he is not part of your life at all.
Hi Hugsy,
I have not read it but there is a book called "Don't call that man!", about how to let go in your situation - It hadn't been published when I needed it. One big part of the process is to make sure you don't have any contact with the guy until you are over him.
Don't Call That Man!: A Survival Guide to Letting Go: Findling, Rhonda: 8601406331365: Amazon.com: Books.
There is also the bestselling book 'He's just not that into you' which is kind of silly but does help to knock some sense into you, and remind you of your own value so you can walk away.
So it is a very common problem to feel so attached to someone who at first seemed to offer so much and then doesn't want a relationship. I think our self-worth is tied in to having the relationship. But you can get over the feelings and come back to yourself, it will just take time when he is not part of your life at all.
Impunity Jane
Member
ex friendships
Hmm, the hyper link didn't work.
I searched Amazon.com for 'Don't call that man'.
[Admin edit: link fixed - see above]
Hmm, the hyper link didn't work.
I searched Amazon.com for 'Don't call that man'.
[Admin edit: link fixed - see above]
ex friendships
thanks Jane. i've looked them up on the web.
thanks Lawz, love and strength to you too. hope things work out better for you wherever you are moving to.
for me, one day at a time. not so bad today. remembering the bad stuff really works. makes me angry so that i can say "no more". i can't say that i don't feel for him anymore, but i do realize that letting go is what i need to do. for me.
who knows, maybe some day he and i can have a friendship. just not now.
thanks Jane. i've looked them up on the web.
thanks Lawz, love and strength to you too. hope things work out better for you wherever you are moving to.
for me, one day at a time. not so bad today. remembering the bad stuff really works. makes me angry so that i can say "no more". i can't say that i don't feel for him anymore, but i do realize that letting go is what i need to do. for me.
who knows, maybe some day he and i can have a friendship. just not now.
ex friends
Hi hugsy,
i have just came out of a 4 year relationship, i am in the same situation as you, what is working for me is not thinking of the bad things, as then how can you build a friendship when all you have been doing is concentrating on the bad things?
What i done when i got divorced 4 years ago, i would think of the things my ex wife was doing with her new man (now husband) and it would hurt like hell, but the more time went by the less the thoughts hurt me, today we are best of friends.
My recent breakup was the worst , now, i use the same thing, i think of her and another and yes it damn hurts, but again as time goes on the thoughts dont hurt so much, i use it as a gauge to my feelings, yes i done all the romantic thoughts, and after a while i realised that i was just building hopes and hurting who? ME, and in any relationship that breaks up, who is the most important of the two YOU.
Time the great healer, i hated people saying that to me, for wounds yes, for memories, not so easy. I have decided that i will not even attempt another relationship until i know the gauge of my feelings is over. I too took the bull by the horns and i stopped ALL contact with her, and i even went as far as telling all those that know her and me, not to tell me anything about her, it works, trust me, in time you will realise that all the thoughts are actually in your head, and never become reality, yes i still hope (a little) but i use it as a way of picking me up now and then (i was close to ending my life) so, if you want to build on a friendship, dont stick to the bad thoughts. It is so easy to forget all the good times and create anger because you are not getting what you want. Think of this... if you were not to contact him, would he contact you? in time maybe, and why, because with you contacting him, and probably repeating yourself over and over, he has a choice, he has you hanging in the wings, to pick you up, and when he drops you... you will fall a lot harder. Some couples use each others emotions against them, would you be feeling this way if it was you who broke it off?
Hi hugsy,
i have just came out of a 4 year relationship, i am in the same situation as you, what is working for me is not thinking of the bad things, as then how can you build a friendship when all you have been doing is concentrating on the bad things?
What i done when i got divorced 4 years ago, i would think of the things my ex wife was doing with her new man (now husband) and it would hurt like hell, but the more time went by the less the thoughts hurt me, today we are best of friends.
My recent breakup was the worst , now, i use the same thing, i think of her and another and yes it damn hurts, but again as time goes on the thoughts dont hurt so much, i use it as a gauge to my feelings, yes i done all the romantic thoughts, and after a while i realised that i was just building hopes and hurting who? ME, and in any relationship that breaks up, who is the most important of the two YOU.
Time the great healer, i hated people saying that to me, for wounds yes, for memories, not so easy. I have decided that i will not even attempt another relationship until i know the gauge of my feelings is over. I too took the bull by the horns and i stopped ALL contact with her, and i even went as far as telling all those that know her and me, not to tell me anything about her, it works, trust me, in time you will realise that all the thoughts are actually in your head, and never become reality, yes i still hope (a little) but i use it as a way of picking me up now and then (i was close to ending my life) so, if you want to build on a friendship, dont stick to the bad thoughts. It is so easy to forget all the good times and create anger because you are not getting what you want. Think of this... if you were not to contact him, would he contact you? in time maybe, and why, because with you contacting him, and probably repeating yourself over and over, he has a choice, he has you hanging in the wings, to pick you up, and when he drops you... you will fall a lot harder. Some couples use each others emotions against them, would you be feeling this way if it was you who broke it off?
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