Frightened of estranged partner

[cm]

As I have shared in other posts, my children and I left the family home three years ago. I am trying to move towards greater independence from my estranged spouse and have been trying to separate myself from him as best I can. As I'm learning, it's more than just living in a different house, (although we are MUCH happier here). My specific problem is that he mistreats me when ever I tell him I would like to get on with the separation officially. He puts it off and speaks to me in a way that makes me feel frightened and threatened and unreasonable and guilty about my choice. Every time I take a definite step (letter from a lawyer on my behalf or suggestions from me on separating procedures) I get the feeling that he is so threatened personally from my desire for separation that he may go to ANY extreme to stop himself from suffering the loss. I mean here that I am afraid for my life when I persue the divorce with him. I know he has some serious issues of his own to deal with. On practical coparenting matters we get along ok, it's just this deep emotional entanglement that seems to be causing this 'life and death', ' him or me'
'resolution'. I sincerely believe that he would rather see me dead than allow me to have a separate life from him. It feels like deep, foreboding waters, and I'm treading in them. Please respond.

 

[Cat Dancer]

frightened of estranged partner

Oh no. What does your lawyer say about this?

 

[cm]

frightened of estranged partner

He doesn't take it too seriously. I don't trust his judgment with it.

 

[Cat Dancer]

frightened of estranged partner

Does your ex seems to think you'll get back together?

Ugh. I wish I could think of something more helpful. It seems like he's trying to put your life on hold or something. Has he made threats of any sort?

 

[cm]

frightened of estranged partner

He has never threatened me with physical abuse. He will speak to me agressively and say other things that make me feel that my personal safety is in danger if I take action on my own for an official divorce because it will cause him to lose a lot in it.

 

[Cat Dancer]

frightened of estranged partner

Have you thought about getting a different lawyer? It concerns me that yours doesn't seem to care about this.

 

[cm]

frightened of estranged partner

Hi janetr
Yes, I really do want to get a different lawyer. Is that possible when I have an outstanding bill that I owe with this one?

 

[HA]

frightened of estranged partner

cm,

That's terrible that you actually are that afraid. Will time lessen the aggressiveness and anger? Is there a need to deal with this in the near future?

 

[cm]

frightened of estranged partner

Hi Heartart,

I think I do see a lessening of the anger and aggression over the past year. So, yes, I do see it moving in that direction. I think what happens is that when I start considering various options for myself and kids, like going back to school or moving to a different place, or making a major purchase, I don't have the funds to do those things unless things are settled. There isn't any immediate hurry and it does give me some thinking time, but the current situation definitely limits my choices, for the moment anyway.

 

[Nutmeg]

frightened of estranged partner

cm,

Have you ever seen this website? It's about divorcing a narcissist:

Living in A World of Narcissism | NarcissisticAbuse.com

nutmeg

 

[HA]

frightened of estranged partner

Nutmeg,
cm's husband has a dx of OCD, which seems to effect his need to control. I thought that narcissistic site might have some good suggestions about dealing with a difficult divorce but I can't find them. Just personal details of their court proceedings and then links to information on this personality disorder.

cm,
I can understand your need to move on with returning to the work force etc. Would he agree to having a therapist act as a mediator while you plan out the divorce? I don't know if therapists do such a thing or if there is a person that could play this role.

Just another thought.

 

[Nutmeg]

frightened of estranged partner

I think this may be a better resource, a book called "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist"

http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml


nutmeg

 

[Nutmeg]

frightened of estranged partner

The author of "Splitting" has his own website with some articles on it:

http://www.eddylaw.com/

nutmeg

 

[cm]

frightened of estranged partner

Thanks Nutmeg and HeartArt,

It just feels so good to hear that some people care today! I have gone to the first web site you mentioned Nutmeg and I will also try the new ones that both of you kindly posted for me today.

Yes, I initially thought my husband's hoarding behavior was OCD, however after furthur research and putting together more details, I believe that it is Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder ( hoarding, sometimes, is one of the characteristics in this disorder too). If you are interested, it's quite fascinating looking at the differences between OCD and OCPD.
My older teenager has OCD/depression/mild Aspergers syndrome.

Thanks again for all your support. If you have any more ideas please forward them too.
cm