Full Fledged Tail Spin

[Cavi]

Yesterdays session has thrown me for a loop...I have decided I am toxic and a very good friend of mine emailed me today and I wrote her back and told her to never contact me again...I said things to intentionally hurt her so she wouldn't contact me again...I did it for her...

When my ex T realized what she had done, she started telling me my memories weren't real and that it was me that was wrong (with anyone) and that she had to change the way I thought...Anytime I would say someone was doing something negative, she would tell me it wasn't them, it was me...If I would try to explain she would silence me and tell me the other person hadn't done anything wrong, that it was me..............

She has me so convinced that I am the lowest of life and yesterday's session with my new T was to much at once...

I've completely cut contact with family and friends...I am saying/doing things to hurt them intentionally to save them from me............RImh

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What was it about yesterday's session that triggered this? Do you think this is something you could discuss with your new therapist?

 

[Cavi]

What was it about yesterday's session that triggered this? Do you think this is something you could discuss with your new therapist?

Hi...My T and I were talking about my childhood and the physical abuse I went through as a child by my brother...He would kick me down the basement stairs and beat on my till I had hematomas...Anyways my ex T told me that my brother was a little boy and that I was painting him black for even being upset about the abuse...

Yesterday as I was talking (actually I was writing but thats a whole nother story) in session I started hearing my ex T's voice that I was bad and that my brother didn't do anything wrong...When my ex T wanted to put me in my place she would scream at me which she knew would turn me into an apologetic child and I would tell her she was right, it was me...

In session yesterday I started having flashbacks of my ex T and my brother...
In order to not be toxic to other people, I broke relationships off........RIMH

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Did you convey this information to your current therapist? That's what s/he is there for, RIMH - to help you navigate through these crises.

 

[Cavi]

Hi...Since 1998, when I get under stress I have emotional seizures which makes my speech completely incoherent...I can't form words at all...Wed. night the stuttering started w/o the seizures which happens occassionally...but it eventually leads to a seizure within a few days which is what happened yesterday...Anyways Thursday in session I couldn't form words so I had to write in session...

I was so paralyzed by the flashbacks that I didn't write to my T what was happening, she knew I was very upset but I wouldn't write why.......

Why??... B/c I was terrified she would go balistic on me as my ex T had done several times for being needy....

I know I'm irrational about it but I am terrified to trust anyone, including my T...I am trying, I really am and I did share things with her Thursday that she didn't know but I stayed detached from her, I pretended I was writing in my journal and blurred her out literally...Thats was until the flashbacks started...

I don't normally let anyone see me upset and I felt like a complete idiot for letting her see it........RIMH

 

[ThatLady]

It's okay to be upset, RIMH. We all get upset from time to time, and for many of us the upset is caused by memories of traumatic incidences from the past. There's no reason for you to feel like an idiot. You're a human being, and the feelings you have are those of any human being under extreme pressure. :hug:

 

[Cavi]

thxs