Getting very stressed out with my doctors

[ThatLady]

Your only other choice than those mentioned is a hospital ER. That's certainly not the best choice, but if they know you're a danger to yourself or others, they must act. If you feel you're a danger to yourself or others, that is one place you can go.

Out of curiosity, what was the reason for your discharge by the crisis team?

 

[Steven_v]

ok so iam seeing my pyschotherapist tommorow what do i say to him, cause i've had enough i feell like iam cant control the thoughts and i fear iam turning into a pervert. and i would rather die than that

 

[Halo]

Steven

First of all, I am so glad that you are seeing your psychotherapist tomorrow and that you are going to be able to tell him exactly what has been going on. As I have said before I really think that you need to be completely honest with him and not try to hide, cover, gloss over what you have really been going through. I think that it is probably time that you really laid it all out on the line and told him exactly how much of a crisis state that you have been in. If you think that you are going to have trouble putting it into words, I always suggest either writing out what you want to say or just printing out what you have written here as it can really help a therapist to know what is going on.

Good luck tomorrow Steven and let us know how it turns out.
Take care
:hug:

 

[Steven_v]

so i saw someone new today from my care team, i think she was a doctor. but somethings really bothering me. during the session i said in plane words what i had done when i was younger (the thing thats very hard to talk about, the one i posted earlier on here). when i said this she went quite for awhile. now it didnt bother me at the time but i cant get it out of my head, cause iam worrieng that the pause was her disgusted at me or thinking something bad about.
its really bothering me now i mean apart from not seeming to know hardly a thing about me (note sure if she read my notes from the hospital). there was nothing else about the session that bothered me.
so i dont know what to do, i mean if that was her being disgusted then not only does that make me feel worse (ive getting memories about what i did again). but i think if thats the case i should ask to go with another person

is it just me worrieng or is there a chance she was actually disgusted?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

It's most likely just you worrying. There may be many reasons for her pausing at that moment - she may have been wondering if it was true or just obsessional or delusional, she may have been wondering why you were telling her, she may have been evaluating your emotional reaction to what you were telling her - all of these would be a standard part of a clinical assessment - or she may just have been unsure how to respond to what you said.

 

[Steven_v]

well i think ive found out that my depression normally comes after a week or two of what my doctors have said is mania. then during my derpression and some point like it did yesterday. the memory of what did hits me like a bolt out of the blue, and then probably causes me to remember and feel overly guilty about what i did. i then cant seem to get rid of the memory. then the intrusive sexual thoughts start again, which means i end up thunking iam a peadophile wich then probally leads to the intrusive thoughts again. and that goes around in a viscious cycle until my mania or whatever it is comes along.
i dont know how to break the cycle. all iam thinking is iam a pervert and then the thoughts come back so anything that shows me iam not a peadophile doesnt have chance against all the guilt, the thoughts and the things that make me think iam a pervert

 

[Steven_v]

ok now iam really getting scaired, the thoughts are getting worse and iam less able to fight them off. it feels like iam starting to except them and in doing so becoming a pervert. its reall scairing me cause i have hardly any fight left and it gets worse everyday it feels like its becoming the norm, witch scares the hell out of me. plus i dont know when iam going to see a doctor next.
iam just so scared that my ontrusive thoughts are becoming my normal thoughts. and i dont know how to stop it

 

[ThatLady]

Have you actually taken action on any of these intrusive thoughts, steven? If not, you're not a pervert. You're just having obsessive thoughts.

Now, if you find that you're acting on these thoughts, it's time to go to the hospital immediately. You can go to an Emergency Room and let them know what's happening, or you can check yourself into a mental health facility.

 

[Steven_v]

no i havent acted and iam pretty sure i never would, i hust want them gone cause iam scaired that going to normal thoughts

 

[ThatLady]

I can understand that the thoughts are upsetting to you. That's what you're receiving therapy for, steven. Obsessive thoughts like you're having don't become "normal" thoughts. They're obsessive, not "normal" and that won't change. They're upsetting, but you're not acting on them and don't feel that you will act on them, so you're not a pervert.

 

[Steven_v]

but thats the thing it seems to me everyday that passes that my defences weaken and the thoughts start become exspetible and thats what scares me is iam gona wake up tommorow with no defences thinking all that disguting stuff i have in my mind will just be accepted as the norm.
and i'll do anything to make sure it doesnt,but thats exactly what its starting to feels like it is doing. i just wanna stop it getting back to my normal thinking cause this scairs the hell out of it

 

[Steven_v]

i answered yes to one of these qustion:

Twelve Questions Only You Can Answer

If you are wondering about your own sexual thoughts and behaviors toward children, we encourage you to answer these questions honestly. They are designed to help you decide whether you may need help.
Answer YES or NO to the Following Questions

1. Have you ever felt a sexual attraction to children or underage
teenagers (a boy or girl 17 years old or younger)?
2. Have you kept secrets from others about your attractions to children or underage teens?
3. Have you looked at or purchased pornography that showed children or underage teens?
4. Have you ever secretly watched children or underage teens (window peeping or voyeurism) or exposed yourself (exhibitionism) to children or underage teens?
5. Have you bought children or underage teens gifts, or given them money, in order to get them to trust you and like you so you can touch them sexually, or get sexual good feelings from them?
6. Have you shown pornography (or material that is sexual in nature) to children or underage teens, or intentionally left it where they could find it?
7. Have you ever told yourself "age is just a number" or "he/she is mature for his/her age" or something similar to make yourself feel better about your sexual thoughts or behaviors toward children or underage teens?
8. Have you ever wanted to stop fantasizing about or touching children or underage teens in a sexual way, or looking at child pornography, but did it again?
9. Do you find that romantic/sexual fantasies about, or sexual behavior toward, children or underage teens interfere with your relationships at home or work?
10. Does your sexual attraction to children or underage teens conflict with your spiritual beliefs or moral values?
11. Has your sexual attraction to children ever left you feeling
worried, frightened, ashamed, hopeless, different, alienated from others, or suicidal?
12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you were not
sexually attracted to children or underage teens?

Did you answer YES to more than one question? If so, we encourage you to call Stop It Now!'s SAFE AND CONFIDENTIAL 1-888-PREVENT (1-888-773-8368) Helpline for more information. Our Helpline is available Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. CST. People who understand are waiting to help.
__________________

so dose that meanwhat i think it means?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What was the question you answered "yes" to?

 

[stargazer]

Not to be rude by cutting in before steven_v gets a chance to reply to Dr. Baxter, but I'll also admit I answered "yes" to one of the questions--the first one. But I already admitted that earlier, and I personally don't feel it is unusual to be attracted to someone who is under the age of 18.

But I suppose it matters what we really mean by "attracted." I'm not talking about a lasting, serious infatuation. I'm talking about experiencing a physical or otherwise emotional attraction to a person who is 17 or under, and what I'm saying is that I think these attractions are normal. What's not normal is to act on them.

The reason I'm posting this morning here is because this subject just came up last night in a conversation between myself and an old friend of mine who is now a self-professed "sex and love addict" and is a member of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous who hasn't "acted out" for over 8 years now. There was an interesting insight shared during the conversation, and I'd like to share it again now.

I can't speak for steven_v, although I've been reading through the thread and I identify his concerns, but my friend and I both agreed that if either of us were actually to see the nakedness of an underaged girl, with her body parts not yet fully developed to womanhood, and with the prior idea of entertaining involvement with that girl, we would experience an overwhelming sense of conscience and conviction at the recognition that she's still a kid. It would not even be that same excitement that a normal heterosexual male feels in the presence of a mature woman, in her nakedness, under such circumstances.

My friend said that this is one of the factors that distinguishes a "practicing sex addict" from either a "normal person" or a "sex addict in recovery." When he was "in his addiction," he had allowed his thoughts and desires to reach the stage where something like that was feasible--but not anymore.

This of course presupposes that one can accept the model of the 12 Steps and the idea that these kinds of desires, thoughts and feelings are symptoms of an "addiction" for which there can be recovery. Not everyone believes this. However, there are three programs that do: Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. It might be worthwhile for you, steven_v, to look up a local chapter of one of these programs and check it out.

 

[Steven_v]

What was the question you answered "yes" to?

oh god thinking about it 1 and 11, depending on what is ment by atraction. and possibly 3 as in i dont tell everyone i know whats happaning in my head

 

[David Baxter PhD]

As I've said before, I don't think that qualifies you as a pedophile, Steven.

1. Go over those same questions again, except wherever it says "a boy or girl 17 years old or younger" use "a boy or girl 18 years old or younger". What are your answers now?

2. Go over those same questions again, except wherever it says "a boy or girl 17 years old or younger" use "a boy or girl 12 years old or younger". What are your answers now?

3. Go over those same questions again, except wherever it says "a boy or girl 17 years old or younger" use "a boy or girl under the age of 18 and more than 5 years younger than yourself". What are your answers now?

 

[Steven_v]

it depends what is ment by attraction

 

[Steven_v]

i would say the first one yes, and the other 2 no but i have had intrusive thoughts

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The problem is those intrusive thoughts, Steven, not pedophilia.

 

[Steven_v]

but how can i be sure