More threads by Little_Girl_Blue

I've been to this forum before under the name "vivien", but I kinda forgot my password and the email account I used to go along with it.

Well, I'm back. It has been over two years since my first and only hospitalization for anorexia (well, to my face they said anorexia, but I know I didnt fit the diagnostic criteria because I TECHNICALLY did not miss three entire periods). And plus, I wouldnt have been hospitalized in the first place if it were not for a certain school worrying about liability issues and for the fact that if I were a couple pounds heavier, my insurance wouldn't have covered it.

Anyway, that was two years ago, one year ago from my last therapy session, and though my weight has fluctuated into the low side throughout this time, it has mainly remained stable. My habits, on the other hand, have not. Since I have stopped living on my own, I have always found it really hard to restrict with people around. I started to resort to purging. And not eating whenever I got the chance to be alone. Except I have found myself enjoying food, and really I just use the fact that people are around to eat more. Sometimes I feel like I'm bingeing, but I'm not sure. I'll shove two or three or four cookies in my mouth after having eaten a good dinner with dessert and then go throw it all up. Sometimes this habit goes away, sometimes it pops up again and I'll keep doing it religiously every night while managing to skip lunch while I'm at work. I have not lost significant weight at all. Maybe a few pounds. I am slightly underweight apparently, but not unhealthy.

I read Dr. Baxter's post about diagnostic criteria in the General forum - I agree with many of his points. This grey area (in which I seem to be) is terribly frustrating. Because you don't get this big shiny badge that says "Yeah, you have a REAL, SERIOUS problem", you get the feeling that it's not real or serious...and therefore you're even more prone to denial. When I was in my anorexic phase, I did not get help when I was already in a pretty bad state because I was haunted by the idea of a doctor telling me, "Dear, nothing is wrong with you - according to the OFFICIAL DSM criteria, you are not thin enough to have a problem."

If these rigid categories have to exist, then couldn't there be some magical way where nobody suffering from an eating disorder ever had to know about them?

Anyway... what was the point of this thread? I forgot.

I don't want to think that I'm trying to get help. And I don't want to admit that I want people telling me to go to a therapist, because I decided against that already for both financial reasons (and no, free clinics don't exist where I live) and I'm-just-done-with-therapy reasons.

The other part of me is sabotaging the cunning eating disorder part. And wants help. And wants somebody to tell her that she can't go on like this. And that it is REAL, no matter what the other part of her brain says.
I had a different insurance plan back then. And I do not want to take my parents' money for this.

By the way, I posted some lyrics in one of the general threads at the bottom of the forum...they need editing for strong language - sorry, didn't realize it until I had already clicked on the post button.

Anyway, I don't want to swallow my pride and take my parents money because I'm not even sure therapy will help. I'm in a different country now, with fewer choices for English-speaking therapists and it'll take time and money for me to find one that just MIGHT work - there's never any guarantee.

Meanwhile, any tips on how I can stop the purging without feeling miserable and restricting?



All therapy takes time, money and a chance that it will work but to my knowledge no therapy comes with a guarantee. Therapy does come with the possibility that with the right fit or connection between the client and therapist that real healing can be done.

I understand that you dont want to swallow your pride and take your parents money but how much and how long are you willing to suffer before you do swallow your pride and accept help from them.
Ok, so I guess there's something more to this I-don't-want-therapy thing. I cannot image going to therapy unless I weigh a lot less than I do now, unless I have what I feel is a REAL problem. I know this is all cognitive distortions and stuff, but no matter how much I rationalize it, the way ideas make me FEEL affects me the most.

-going to therapy with no visible signs of an illness= shame, weakness and self-indulgence

-going to therapy when I weigh x amount of lbs= I'd feel good about myself for not being an undisciplined loser

And to be honest, I'm more concerned with getting in shape than with getting therapy. I purged today after a balanced meal again. I didn't feel bad about it.

I KNOW THIS IS WRONG...but ít doesn't FEEL wrong. Especially because I still have plenty of fat on my body. So how can I go to therapy when in the end I don't want to stop what I'm doing? That would be a waste of time.


Although you are more concerned with getting in shape than therapy, purging after any meal whether it be balanced or not, is a sign of real problem and that behaviour is not going to help you get into shape. Although you say that you have no visable signs of an illness and don't want to get therapy now, why wait until you do and are so much farther down this road before you decide to get help.

Therapy is what is going to help to get your mind into shape to help you see the distorted thoughts that you are having and move past them.

I also believe that you really do want to get better and stop what you are doing or I don't think that you would have reached out on this forum for help.

Take care
Maybe your first goal could be wanting to WANT to stop? I think therapy is very valuable for eating problems because it deals with the underlying issues. And purging is definitely problematic and dangerous. I would guess most people who struggle with eating disorders are not underweight at all. You don't have to look like you're suffering or struggling to get help, although I can relate to that thought/feeling.

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
If you truly cannot bring yourself to see see a therapist right now, what about starting with a nutritionist or dietician to at least work on healhtier eating habits?
Ok, I know I'm starting to sound like a whiny snot. I post in a forum sorta asking for help and then go on to reject everybody's suggestions.

I do apologize for my behaviour - I only ask that you guys consider that I truly feel divided. The person who started this thread (let's call her Me1)doesn't agree with the person who wrote the other posts (let's call her Me2).

Me1 would like to feel happy with the way I am.
Me2 feels she isn't worth anything if she is not thin.

But neither one really wants to go to a therapist.

Me1 would like to get better, but does not see how a therapist could help her with the specific eating disordered behaviour (therapists have helped her sort out other things in her life, and I can truly say I no longer feel depressed and am hardly ever anxious anymore - I even stopped taking prozac and I feel great in terms of mood). But to be honest, they never stopped me wanting to lose weight.

Me2 doesn't want to think about getting better - because 'better' for her is losing weight.

Dr. Baxter, the idea of seeing a nutritionist is good. My only concern is that she/he would make me eat more than I naturally do (and I'm not talking ED here, I naturally don't like to eat big meals- I feel bloated and tired). In the past, my two nutritionists have given me what I consider to be an inflated meal plan, even when I was only the teensiest bit underweight (definitely not in a danger zone). What could I tell him/her so that this doesn't happen again?

David Baxter PhD

Late Founder
You don't have to eat big meals to eat well. What people sometimes call "the diabetes diet" aims for 6 or more small meals a day rather than 1 or 2 or 3 big meals. That might be a healthy (and tolerable) goal for you.
You don't have to eat big meals to eat well. What people sometimes call "the diabetes diet" aims for 6 or more small meals a day rather than 1 or 2 or 3 big meals. That might be a healthy (and tolerable) goal for you.

Yeah...6...that is a daunting number... I could do 3 small meals and 2 snacks I think.

I'd have to have a real honest talk with the nutritionist

Also, I think I would have to make my parents go through some nutrition course or something, because when I eat with them they make me eat huge meals and huge snacks. My dad worries, which is fine, but he makes me eat CAKE - anything fattening, and he doesn't get that that's not healthy. For good reasons, I guess, they don't trust me anymore and think that whatever opinion I have about food is automatically disordered (which I do not believe is the case).
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