Little_Girl_Blue
Member
I've been to this forum before under the name "vivien", but I kinda forgot my password and the email account I used to go along with it.
Well, I'm back. It has been over two years since my first and only hospitalization for anorexia (well, to my face they said anorexia, but I know I didnt fit the diagnostic criteria because I TECHNICALLY did not miss three entire periods). And plus, I wouldnt have been hospitalized in the first place if it were not for a certain school worrying about liability issues and for the fact that if I were a couple pounds heavier, my insurance wouldn't have covered it.
Anyway, that was two years ago, one year ago from my last therapy session, and though my weight has fluctuated into the low side throughout this time, it has mainly remained stable. My habits, on the other hand, have not. Since I have stopped living on my own, I have always found it really hard to restrict with people around. I started to resort to purging. And not eating whenever I got the chance to be alone. Except I have found myself enjoying food, and really I just use the fact that people are around to eat more. Sometimes I feel like I'm bingeing, but I'm not sure. I'll shove two or three or four cookies in my mouth after having eaten a good dinner with dessert and then go throw it all up. Sometimes this habit goes away, sometimes it pops up again and I'll keep doing it religiously every night while managing to skip lunch while I'm at work. I have not lost significant weight at all. Maybe a few pounds. I am slightly underweight apparently, but not unhealthy.
I read Dr. Baxter's post about diagnostic criteria in the General forum - I agree with many of his points. This grey area (in which I seem to be) is terribly frustrating. Because you don't get this big shiny badge that says "Yeah, you have a REAL, SERIOUS problem", you get the feeling that it's not real or serious...and therefore you're even more prone to denial. When I was in my anorexic phase, I did not get help when I was already in a pretty bad state because I was haunted by the idea of a doctor telling me, "Dear, nothing is wrong with you - according to the OFFICIAL DSM criteria, you are not thin enough to have a problem."
If these rigid categories have to exist, then couldn't there be some magical way where nobody suffering from an eating disorder ever had to know about them?
Anyway... what was the point of this thread? I forgot.
I don't want to think that I'm trying to get help. And I don't want to admit that I want people telling me to go to a therapist, because I decided against that already for both financial reasons (and no, free clinics don't exist where I live) and I'm-just-done-with-therapy reasons.
The other part of me is sabotaging the cunning eating disorder part. And wants help. And wants somebody to tell her that she can't go on like this. And that it is REAL, no matter what the other part of her brain says.
Well, I'm back. It has been over two years since my first and only hospitalization for anorexia (well, to my face they said anorexia, but I know I didnt fit the diagnostic criteria because I TECHNICALLY did not miss three entire periods). And plus, I wouldnt have been hospitalized in the first place if it were not for a certain school worrying about liability issues and for the fact that if I were a couple pounds heavier, my insurance wouldn't have covered it.
Anyway, that was two years ago, one year ago from my last therapy session, and though my weight has fluctuated into the low side throughout this time, it has mainly remained stable. My habits, on the other hand, have not. Since I have stopped living on my own, I have always found it really hard to restrict with people around. I started to resort to purging. And not eating whenever I got the chance to be alone. Except I have found myself enjoying food, and really I just use the fact that people are around to eat more. Sometimes I feel like I'm bingeing, but I'm not sure. I'll shove two or three or four cookies in my mouth after having eaten a good dinner with dessert and then go throw it all up. Sometimes this habit goes away, sometimes it pops up again and I'll keep doing it religiously every night while managing to skip lunch while I'm at work. I have not lost significant weight at all. Maybe a few pounds. I am slightly underweight apparently, but not unhealthy.
I read Dr. Baxter's post about diagnostic criteria in the General forum - I agree with many of his points. This grey area (in which I seem to be) is terribly frustrating. Because you don't get this big shiny badge that says "Yeah, you have a REAL, SERIOUS problem", you get the feeling that it's not real or serious...and therefore you're even more prone to denial. When I was in my anorexic phase, I did not get help when I was already in a pretty bad state because I was haunted by the idea of a doctor telling me, "Dear, nothing is wrong with you - according to the OFFICIAL DSM criteria, you are not thin enough to have a problem."
If these rigid categories have to exist, then couldn't there be some magical way where nobody suffering from an eating disorder ever had to know about them?
Anyway... what was the point of this thread? I forgot.
I don't want to think that I'm trying to get help. And I don't want to admit that I want people telling me to go to a therapist, because I decided against that already for both financial reasons (and no, free clinics don't exist where I live) and I'm-just-done-with-therapy reasons.
The other part of me is sabotaging the cunning eating disorder part. And wants help. And wants somebody to tell her that she can't go on like this. And that it is REAL, no matter what the other part of her brain says.
