Hanging on...barely

[SoSo]

Most of my waking hours have been with one thought in mind for the past 2 weeks...leave. I can't remember an hour in the past 2 weeks were I haven't thought of just quitting as I just am so tired and drained. I was out with my sister today on a highway and all I could think of was just opening the car door and jumping. I just do not want to be here. I don't want to struggle anymore. I don't want to live in this useless body full of pain anymore and most of all, I don't want to cry anymore. I told my family doctor months ago I needed to see a psychiatrist and all she said was "it could take months, a year even" and that was it. She left. I will call the replacement doctor tomorrow. I will tell him. I will give it one last try but that is about all I have left in me. I really do resent the way people are treated here in this province or rather not treated by the medical professionals. I can't go to the emerg at the psych hospital here, have such a full blown terror of that place. When I was around 12 someone I loved was beaten so severly and so this person cut their wrists and they were locked away in there for 6 months and it was an awful place back in 58. They made me go in there with them to visit the doctor and I was told if I opened my mouth and said anything that went on at home I would be locked away in there for good. I am so stupid to let that still scare me but I can't help it as I know what the other went through in there. I will just have to hope this new doctor will listen because I am barely hanging on right now, don't want to.
Feisty:hide:

 

[Retired]

Feisty,

The field of mental health, and specifically psychiatric hospitals are not the same environments you remember from 1958.

Psychiatry itself was in its infancy in those days and there were virtually no medications, nor a clear understanding of mental illness, and an absence of adequate training for support staff.

People were warehoused in those days and family was given no hope for the recovery of their loved ones.

Fast forward to 2008 -> psychiatric hospitals are highly specialized medical treatment centers with highly skilled physicians and support staff who want to help people in distress and should treat patients with respect and dignity.

If you are feeling suicidal, you need to seek out immediate help.

Feisty, if you have apprehensions about your local psychiatric hospital emergency room, then call a trusted family member, friend or spiritual advisor to accompany you there, and ask them to look out for your interests.

I was out with my sister today on a highway and all I could think of was just opening the car door and jumping

Doctors refer to these as

intrusive thoughts

and form part of the distorted thinking that is part of suicidal thoughts.

I told my family doctor months ago I needed to see a psychiatrist and all she said was "it could take months, a year even" and that was it.

Unfortunately some family doctors are so overwhelmed by the medical system that they sometimes lose the pespective of the needs of their patients. It could be your doctor was having a bad day.

You need to take charge of your own health care, and if you feel unable at this time, get your sister or another trusted person to go with you and insist on getting a referral. At least things can get started.

You have a sister who loves you, and it's clear you don't want to continue feeling this way. These are good reasons to live.

The way you feel is treatable, but you need to take charge of your medical care and seek out the help you need.

Is your family doctor treating your depression in any way?

Do you have the number of a local crisis line you can call for support?

If there is a psychiatric hospital in your community, can you call them direct and ansk them if they have a suicide intervention clinic?

If you feel you might carry out your suicide plan, Feisty, please call 911.

 

[braveheart]

Here in the UK, in emergencies, psychiatrist referrals only take up to a month, in my experience. They put me through faster because it would appear that my situation merited an urgent medication review. I agree with Steve, talk with another doctor, someone who'll take your distress seriously.

Keep talking here as much as you need.

 

[Halo]

Keep hanging on Feisty as hard as it is. Remember that you do have people that care about you including us here and you can always lean on us for support...we will always be here :heart:

I hope that your doctor can provide some help and if need be I know that you are afraid but the local hospital is always an option. Like Steve said, they have come a long way since the 50s.

I know it is hard to hang on and trust me when I say I do know and remember that feeling just take it minute by minute for now and hang on to the hope that this will pass.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Lana]

Hi Fiesty;

When you see your doctor, ask your doctor for the referral to the Mental Health Clinic at your nearest hospital. If your doctor has admitting priveledges in a hospital, he or she should be able to arrange an appointment for you. It would take about a month, or less depending on your situation. Suicidal thougths warrant immediate appointment. Be straight with your doctor and be firm in your request.

Let us know how things work out and know that we're here with you.

P.S. OHIP covers psychiatrical services, not psychological ones. However, Mental Health clinics are staffed by some psychiatrists that do psychotherapy. You can also look the clinics up on the Mental Health Services pages for the clinic near you.

 

[SoSo]

I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. I wrote myself a note to take. I can't function well the past 2 weeks so thought I best take a note. I am going to 'beg' to go for a PET scan and a psychiatrist as I know I cannot go on living like this any longer. I know I won't make it without help, not strong enough now as I am just so worn out by all the cancer and other stuff to fight anymore. Thanks, will see about the psych clinics, etc here, have to. I will see if my sister would go with me but she is going through enough of her own 'stuff' in her life right now that I hate to impose on her. Just feel like nothing is worth the effort anymore, nothing.
Feisty:hide:

 

[Halo]

I am glad to hear that you have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. That is a huge step. It is good that you wrote a note too :2thumbs: I think that if you tell the doctor exactly what you are telling us then (s)he will understand and will get you the help that you need.

I will keep you in my thoughts as well as my fingers crossed that you get the help that you so desperately need. Remember you just need to hang on a little while longer...minute by minute and you can make it.

Take care :heart:
:hug: :friends: :hug:

 

[Retired]

I will see if my sister would go with me but she is going through enough of her own 'stuff' in her life right now that I hate to impose on her

You may be pleasantly surprised at the willing support your sister will provide for you...all you have to do is ask.

The worst that can happen is that she may not be available, but there is a good chance she will be there for you.

If you don't ask, you'll never know.

I wrote myself a note to take

Excellent idea. I do it all the time. There are so many things going on when visiting a doctor, that's it's easy to forget. Keep your list in the open, so your doctor is aware you have a number of issues to discuss.

Also, write down any instructions your doctor gives you, to be sure to remember.

Include a list of all medications on your list, in case your doctor's file is incomplete, and if you get a new prescription, write down the instructions on how to take it, what if any foods to avoid with that new med and make sure your doctor knows what other meds, prescribed, over the counter, herbals etc you take, to avoid any interactions.

I am going to 'beg' to go for a PET scan and a psychiatrist as I know I cannot go on living like this any longer.

Feisty,

Think of it a asserting yourself to your doctor. You and your doctor should be working as partners in your healthcare, but you need to be in control of your healthcare.

Sometimes we, as patients or consumers of our healthcare need to assert ourselves to make our needs fully understood by overworked doctors.

Please keep us posted on how it goes.

 

[Lana]

Feisty;
There are various support groups across the province where people and their families offer each other support, compassion, and empathy. Many of them probably feel the same as you do at times and know, or know someone, that has other resources that we haven't mentioned here or that your doctor is not aware of. Do you want me to look them up for you? I believe those usually don't cost anything.

 

[Retired]

Feisity,

Perhaps this link can be of help

Nova Scotia Crisis Centres

If not, let us know.

 

[Into The Light]

feisty, i just wanted to know i feel for you and what you are going through right now. it sounds really difficult but don't give up hope. speak to your doctor tomorrow and be insistent if needed.

i am keeping my fingers crossed for you. let us know how the appointment goes if and when you are able to.

 

[SoSo]

I just tried to call the crisis line number, no one available till 12 noon tomorrow. I will just have to try to get through another long night. I just wish I could sleep, have one whole night with just sleep. Thanks, sorry I cannot seem to see any reason right now for anything, maybe I will later if I get through all this. I put the pills away where I won't be able to get at them tonight, only positive thing I have done I guess.
Feisty:hide:

 

[Mari]

H! Feisty4me, thinking about you - keep trying - if you will cheer for me I will cheer for you. Having a really rough day - tomorrow has to be better. :hissyfit:

 

[Banned]

Hi Feisty,

You're in my thoughts. Please keep us posted as to how you're doing. Write as much as you want/need to...we are here to help you and support you in any way we can. If I was in NS I would take you to a clinic if that's what you wanted. You're important to me, to all of us, and you're doing an excellent job of hanging on, one minute at a time.

 

[braveheart]

How are things looking today?

 

[SoSo]

I went to my doctor and he confirmed it would take at least a year for me to see a psychiatrist so he is starting me on ciprilex and sending me to a counselor. I have had so many problems in the past with meds, hope this one is better. I really don't feel any different after seeing him, just feel totally empty if that makes sense, nothing left. Thanks for the support.
Feisty:hide:

 

[Halo]

Feisty,

I am really glad that you went to the doctor and that he is starting you on a new med. Although you may not have had much luck with them in the past, this one may be the one that works. I didn't have a lot of luck with meds either as I had tried numerous ones myself but cipralex seemed to be working for me...lets keep our fingers crossed that it makes a difference :crossfingers:

I am also happy to hear that he is sending you to a counsellor. I think that having someone to talk to about what you are going through is going to help a lot. Did he say how long of a wait that it would be before you get an appointment?

You did really good today Feisty :2thumbs: I know how hard it must have been just to go to the appointment but you did it and I am proud of you.

We are here for you and always will be..you are never alone :heart:

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Retired]

Try again to call the crisis line, and keep yourself safe until you contact them.

Did your doctor give you specific instructions on how to take your new medication Cipralex (escitalopram).

I have had so many problems in the past with meds

Cipralex is an SSRI, which as you probably know takes a few weeks before there is a noticeable effect, so you would be encouraged to be as patient as you can, despite how you may feel at this moment.

If you experience any uncomfortable side effects, you need to know that with this type of medication, most of these side effects are known to go away as your body becomes adjusted to the new medication.

Most important, is if and when it is decided to discontunue this medication, it should not be discontinued abruptly. Your doctor will advise you on how to taper the dose gradually.

Keep your eye on the goal, which is to relieve you of the way you are currently feeling.

There is hope for for feeling better, Feisty, and you need to keep yourself safe.

Let us know after reach the crisis line, and keep us posted on your progress.

 

[Lana]

Hey Feisty;

I don't have much experience with SSRIs and Cipralex is the only one I've been using. I haven't had any problems with it and it didn't make me gain weight either. I hope it works the same for you.

I think having the meds and a counsellor is a great start. Most psychiatrists tend to use the pharmacological approach and not all of them do psychotherapy. So really, maybe it's a blessing in disguise for you to have meds and a consellor (whose primary focus is psychotherapy and possibly arranging for a support group).

Just remember, Cipralex doesn't start working overnight. It takes a couple of weeks or so. So, don't get discouraged between now and then, just remember that each day you're closer to feeling better. :hug:

 

[ladylore]

Hi Feisty,

Wanted to let you know that I have been keeping up on this thread and just hadnt had much to add as it has all been said.

I also think it is a blessing in disguise that you will be seeing a counsellor. Your doing all the right things Feisty so just keep doing what your doing. :2thumbs: