Hanging on...barely

[Retired]

Feisty,

I saw an striking contrast in the comments you shared:

worked 2-3 jobs so I could support my kids, went to school nights to get my high school then onto a business college to get my degree

told all the time by my mother is what a mess I have made of my entire life. Until my father died 2 months ago he would yell at me about what a loser I was

I am not a psychologist, but from reading your story, it seems to me, that you identify yourself from the derogatory comments of your parents and not from the remarkable accomplishments you have made despite these obvious obstacles.

Do you feel you have removed yourself from all these abusive influences, so that you are not subjected to any more pain?

Do you have a personal support system in Nova Scotia such as loving friends or family?

I was sorry to hear the crisis line has been difficult to reach. Another resource you may wish to try is a local branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association

Explain your situation to them to see what suggestions they may have.

Maybe try the crisis line again, during the afternoon. Like many volunteer groups, there may be a shortage of trained volunteers.

Continue to keep us posted on your progress. I am happy to hear our polar bears have inspired your creative spirit!

 

[Retired]

Feisty,

Have a look at this resource page I found that may be of help to you at this time. You may wish to print the page to keep the info handy.

Considering suicide? How to stay safe and find treatment

 

[Halo]

Feisty,

Here is something else to read that has helped some of us on here when we were struggling:

When you feel you can't go on

Hope it helps :heart:

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Mari]

Thanks TSOW for the link - it is one of the better ones I have read - I wish someone had directed my son to this link instead of the garbage that was sent to him. People keep bringing up the why of my son's death as if this is something I should be obsessed with. What I am more obsessed with is why anyone would encourage another person to choose suicide and discourage them from seeking help. I feel like I am on slow suicide because I no longer feel like I exist. I know I am alive but I just miss my son so much that nothing seems to matter. Like Feisty I do have my other two sons to care about. When I read about other people hurting I hurt even more but it does give me the courage to keep trying. I know that my son would want me to keep helping other people. Hugs to everyone. :heart: Mari

 

[SoSo]

I checked out the 2 links, I have read the When You Feel You Can't Hang On once before. For some reason it makes me cry when I read it. I am feeling really fragile today. I did manage to get to a Quit Smoking program as I know I am really disgusted with myself for starting again but dealing with my fathers death and the way my mother chewed me out in front of all the family and friends many times I just gave in and smoked. I will go back though, nothing to lose except that awful habit, might not be the best time to try to quit but will give it a go. My son called yesterday, he is very depressed. I know I can't end it all or I feel he would follow me and I can't be responsible for doing that to anyone. I wish I could help him but right now, am useless to even myself. I will try to find something to hold onto, tomorrow. I have tried to remove the negative, abusive people from my life but then I am rather dense. I keep trying to do better, be what my parents want me to be, now what my mother wants me to be, but have come to the conclusion that no matter what, I will never be good enough for her. I think I have to cut her completely out of my life or I will not make it as I really don't want to feel all that hurt and confusion anymore. Mari, I hope in time your heart will heal. I think you are very courageous. Thanks all.
Feisty:hide:

 

[Halo]

Feisty,

You have a good reason to hang on with all your power and that is your son. I know that it is difficult but having a reason is sometimes all it takes to hang on. I think that you are extremely courageous in all that you are going through and I really have confidence that you will make it through this dark tunnel. Just keep hanging on as best you can, one day or moment at a time and keep posting here....we are always here for you whenever you need us :heart:

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[SoSo]

Well, I got the good news bad news today. Good news, the doctor finally agreed to change my thyroid replacement hormones so my heart may regulate. Bad news, had an allergic reaction to the trazodone so he pulled me off it. Now, I am on nothing again. I was starting to feel a tad bit better, just a wee tad but I found myself singing along to a song for the first time in weeks today. So now, am in limbo again, just have to go it on my own if I can. I still have the lorazepam but they are for emergencies only. Oh well, just tired of it all, so tired of trying but will try to find one good thing each day, one moment that wasn't total emptiness, like today, a song, maybe tomorrow, 2 songs. I guess that is all I can do right now. I am going to try the crisis line again tomorrow, need to get help somewhere. Thanks.
Feisty:hide:

 

[Halo]

Feisty that is good news about your doctor changing your medication which may regulate your heart. I am sorry to hear though that you had an allergic reaction to the trazadone and had to come off of it. It must be rough especially if you were just starting to feel a tad bit better.

I really found what you said here encouraging:

Oh well, just tired of it all, so tired of trying but will try to find one good thing each day, one moment that wasn't total emptiness, like today, a song, maybe tomorrow, 2 songs.

I think that this is really a positive way to look at it...good job :2thumbs:

Take care and good luck with the call to the crisis centre tomorrow :goodluck:

:hug: :hug:

 

[Retired]

Feisty,

I am going to try the crisis line again tomorrow, need to get help somewhere

I am happy to hear you'll try again. Please let us know the outcome of your call.

As I mentioned earlier, it seems the office in Halifax is having difficulty with volunteer staffing, but if you have difficulty tomorrow, let us know here. Their hours of operation seem to be between noon and 8 pm Crisis: (902) 421-1188

I have a few thoughts on some options we could explore to help you make contact.

Feisty,

Listen to the music..(music is my passion as well) and sing along. Find a song that pleases you, and keep it in your mind.

Feisty....keep yourself safe...one moment to the next, one step at a time.

Eventually it will become a journey to safety.

Steve

 

[SoSo]

I just wanted to share some good news, for a change. I have been painting all day on a denim bag, hard to explain but it is the head of a female. When the painting part is done then I will add a cloth turban around her head, a scarf around her neck and hair out of mohair. I dug in my grandma's old cedar chest where I keep my work material and found some nice bright colours to use. This is the first time since June 07 that I have touched my art and I am listening to music while I am working. I actually do feel a bit better, not so empty and lost today. Honestly, this is the first day in a couple of weeks the thought of suicide hasn't been in my head every hour. I think that is progress. I think I have to keep at the art, calms my mind and makes me feel less useless. Oh, my, am afraid to have a ray of hope, afraid it will disappear but I am going to keep at it, see where it takes me. Hopefully this is the beginning. Thanks everyone, really, thanks for all the support you have given me.
Feistyeek:

 

[Halo]

Feisty,

That is great that you are feeling better today and have been back into your art. I only hope that it continues and that each and everyday that you begin to feel better and stronger.

Take care
:hug: :hug:

 

[Retired]

Feisty,

I am very happy to hear that your painting has helped relieve some of your distress.

Continue to keep us posted on your developments, and know we are here to support when you need someone.

FYI I just got off the phone with a very nice volunteer in the Halifax Crisis center who gave me another Halifax number available.

This is a Mobile Crisis service available to you, 24 hours a day.

Their (toll free) number is (888) 429-8167

I would be interested in knowing what type of response they provide.

 

[Cat Dancer]

Glad to hear you're feeling some better and that you're working on your art.

 

[SoSo]

Thanks for that number Steve, wrote it down. Right now my physical health is so bad I can barely manage to do anything so I think that plays a big part on my mental health. I do not have the strength today to get dressed or eat or anything really as I can barely breath and the chest pains are so bad. I am back to the empty place again. I won't do anything about it though. Too much pain and too worn out with this heart of mine not working right to be up to even quitting. I saw my doctor, will take me 6 months to a year to see a heart specialist. I just don't care anymore. I did email Rodney MacDonald, NS Premier and tell him exactly what I thought of all the grey cell deficient idiots running the gov. here. Sorry, know I shouldn't call people names, but I am too worn out from the past 10 months of fighting to get the health care I need to be nice anymore. I will make a promise though, never break my work, won't try suicide even though I still think about it a lot. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I do feel if I don't get back to Ontario soon and proper health care I won't be around anyway. The heart cannot take the beating mine is taking at this time so just will take it a day or moment at a time till I get back to Ontario. Thanks everyone, promise, won't try anything.
Feisty:hide:

 

[ladylore]

Feisty - if your having chest pains you can go to emergency. I know with depression comes physical symptoms too, but in all honesty I am concerned about your welfare. You can call an ambulance who will take you to emergency. The hospital can't refuse you.

Just hang in there a bit longer. Take it moment by moment.

 

[Into The Light]

feisty, i think you should get yourself to the ER. don't let yourself wither away like that. i know how hard it is but if need be call 911 if you simply can't care for yourself anymore. you need help now, not 6 months from now.

 

[Halo]

:agree:

 

[Retired]

As the others have suggested, it's time to call 911 and be taken to Emergency.

Thank you for making the promise to keep yourself safe.

Please call 911 right away.

 

[SoSo]

I have been thinking the same thing that I have to go to emerg but to tell the truth since I have received such terrible health care here I am rather afraid to go. I guess I will have to as my body just can't take much more of this. It is usually my health that sends me into depression since I got the cancer. I get sick, then I panic, then I get depressed. There has not been one time I have been wrong about what is going on in my body yet trying to get these doctors to listen is like talking to a stone, no response. Thanks all, will see how this night goes. If the chest pains are severe like earlier today and last night, I will go to emerg.
Feisty:hide:

---

Oh, since I gave my word that I will not quit I won't post with this area anymore. I am hopefully going to be able to keep that promise in that area.
Feisty:hide:

 

[SoSo]

Steve, just wanted to let you know I finally got through to 421-1188 today. The woman said they were not a suicide crisis line. I called the other number, they had a recording. I think there are no options in this province. Thanks for all you did getting me those numbers but for someone who is in desperate need of help I now have to think emerg would be the answer. Again, thanks.
Feisty