Ultimately, it is not the shrink, psychologist, internist, family member or friend who keeps us alive. It is the internal rudder within that navigates our world. I have experienced utter despair, excruciating loneliness, and a palatable sense of frustration and longing for something that would raise me above the fog that once again attempts to grip me within its clutches. Today, has been 24 hours of near failure.
I've had several things to come up this week that could be triggering this spiral. (1) I lost my mother six years ago and she was my best friend. Mother's Day came and gone. Although I am a mother, I still struggle to let the day be about me now. I lived in my mother's shadow and was there for her in her final illness. She was a very strong personality in my life and did not accept weakness within her children. Despite her inability to openly love me, I loved her in the manner I wanted to be loved. Yes, she is gone, but she continues to pop up. (2) Work has proven to be very stressful. I love my job but the load has been incredibly heavy. In my line of work, you must compartmentalize and forge ahead and keep your feelings neutral or you will be eaten alive by the massive egos. (3) I was molested as a child by a teenaged girl. And, while it was only one time, coupled with my mother's inability to love and her penchant for anger, I am afraid to be in close proximity with women. And, while I was assaulted again as an adult by a boyfriend and later by my husband, I feel more comfortable with men. I was suppose to have an ultra-sound of my thyroid the other day. I had requested a male tech. There was only a female. Considering how long it took to get the appointment, I opted to try and I JUST FAILED. Lying down on the table and having her lean over me was too much. And, even though she told me what she was going to do before she did it, I balked and left before it was over. I AM NOT A WIMP. I AM A VERY STRONG-WILLED WOMAN WHO CALLS HER OWN SHOTS. However, I FAILED myself. I am crying at inappropriate times at home and struggling. I'm am consistently taking my meds. I'm going to stare down this thing and win. I will not give in.
I've had several things to come up this week that could be triggering this spiral. (1) I lost my mother six years ago and she was my best friend. Mother's Day came and gone. Although I am a mother, I still struggle to let the day be about me now. I lived in my mother's shadow and was there for her in her final illness. She was a very strong personality in my life and did not accept weakness within her children. Despite her inability to openly love me, I loved her in the manner I wanted to be loved. Yes, she is gone, but she continues to pop up. (2) Work has proven to be very stressful. I love my job but the load has been incredibly heavy. In my line of work, you must compartmentalize and forge ahead and keep your feelings neutral or you will be eaten alive by the massive egos. (3) I was molested as a child by a teenaged girl. And, while it was only one time, coupled with my mother's inability to love and her penchant for anger, I am afraid to be in close proximity with women. And, while I was assaulted again as an adult by a boyfriend and later by my husband, I feel more comfortable with men. I was suppose to have an ultra-sound of my thyroid the other day. I had requested a male tech. There was only a female. Considering how long it took to get the appointment, I opted to try and I JUST FAILED. Lying down on the table and having her lean over me was too much. And, even though she told me what she was going to do before she did it, I balked and left before it was over. I AM NOT A WIMP. I AM A VERY STRONG-WILLED WOMAN WHO CALLS HER OWN SHOTS. However, I FAILED myself. I am crying at inappropriate times at home and struggling. I'm am consistently taking my meds. I'm going to stare down this thing and win. I will not give in.
