heartbreak hotel

[jeffrey]

Hello everyone,
I`ve just come out of a two year relationship with a woman who i thought was the one of my dreams...i`m not coping well at all,i used to get gut feelings that she was cheating on me with a man i knew,i didn`t like him much.Things got so bad and i was constantly told i was paranoid and that my gut feelings were totally wrong,that i was so paranoid that it was debillitating to the relationship,i would then feel extreme guilt but still continued to get these horrid feelings,i would try and rationalise with myself and try to sort through these feelings but they kept coming back.After time we went our seperate ways,i felt terrible for all the accusations and the way i treated her,i went through hell,i took a long hard look at myself "i`m paranoid,jelous,obsessive ect ect" it really took it out of me to know that i destroyed something i cared so much just because of ny gut feelings that i couldn`t repress.
A short time after i found out through a very reliable source that my gut feelings were true,the things i was told i could not escape from,i tried to find logical explanations that this could not be the case that it was i that ruined everything,that i was the culprit.But no,what i was told was the cold hard truth and that others knew.Now they are both carrying on,he is still in a relationship...I`m devistated by this news,i feel stupid and used,i was no angel i know that but i didn`t deserve that,i felt i was out of my mind being told i was paranoid and all,anyone would think that i would feel better to know that i`m not,it doesn`t.Terrible things have happend and i feel i should hate her...i wan`t to but i don`t,when i see her out i have many emotions surge through me,and there is still love.I know it`s over but my mind keeps racing,what can i do? has anyone any comments or advise?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You're right, Jeffrey. You didn't deserve that. You trusted her and she lied to you. That would be bad enough but she also tried to convince you that you were imagining things and that you couldn't trust your own perceptions and feelings. That seems to me to be an even crueler deception and betrayal.

The thing is, she was never the woman you thought she was. I understand that it feels like you have lost something wonderful, beautiful but really you haven't lost anything like that. You simply lost someone who was deceitful and incapable of loving you and respecting you the way you deserve.

 

[jeffrey]

Dear Dr Baxter,
Thank you for your reply,i can see this now but am having real trouble coming to terms with this realisation,truth does hurt!
I have been reading a book on emotional intelligence and it really struck a chord,for the life of me i can`t remember the name of it but i understand it`s a best seller.I wish i was a wise man with foresight,unfortunately i`m not,i`m one of those who has to take lifes lessons the hard way and hopefully i shall become a better person for it,I shall not be detured in the pursuit of happiness and will feel grateful when it comes my way,or when i discover it,There are many things i shall have to change about myself and i feel confident that i`m taking the right steps in that direction.
Thanks again

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Jeffrey, believe me... no matter what you may hear, we have ALL misjudged people and placed trust or faith in people who later proved to be inworthy of that trust.

That's one of the main reasons psychopaths can be so successful for so long: They know how to ACT like a person who is trustworthy and empathic and sensitive even though they lack the capacity for those traits.

You were fooled by this woman. You probably won't be the last one she fools. But there will also be other women you will meet who will prove to be worthy of the trust you place in them.

Most of us after an experience like yours will go through a period of time where our trust in our own judgement falters. That I think is normal and to be expected. But I think what you need to be trying to tell yourself now is that the reason that relationship "failed" was because she was pretending to be a person she is not and to have feelings she didn't have. That has nothing to do with you or who you are -- you just happened to be handy or nearby when she needed somebody to do something or to be there for her for a while.

 

[lammers1980]

I've been through an experience like yours in the past. In times like this it is very difficult not to internalise what has happened. Blaming yourself for not doing the right thing to keep her loyal is often tempting. In some cases, like yours, externalizing the situation will probably help. Much like Dr. Baxter said, this woman abused your trust, and played mental tricks on you in the process. This type of behaviour I would rate as a form of psychological abuse. She was definitely not the woman you had hoped or thougth her to be.

Strangely, it is possible to view the revelations that she was in fact disloyal to you in a positive light. Despite the pain of finally knowing the truth, your suspicions have been vindicated. You were right. Your gut instinct was correct, and you are not paranoid. Take this knowledge that you can trust yourself, that you are not a bad person for what happened and move on in your life.

It is natural to be nostalgic for past relationships, but if you remember her for who she really was, and not wht you hoped her to be, it would be that much easier to do so. Also, a little tidbit of info. that might be interesting. Often the person who breaks up a relationship through infedelity is often in turn left behind. Karma has a funny way of manifesting. I hope this helps.

Welcome to the board, it is a very friendly place here.

 

[jeffrey]

Thank you again,
Reading your replies has made all the difference and helped a great deal,it makes sense.At times as bad as these thoughts and feelings can become blured,confused and twisted but when people like yourselves are around to give a helping hand it helps to clarify the situation and thus the healing can begin.I`m going to try my best to take control of the flooding as it hurts so much and is doing me no good at all,to take back my power and not let those still have control over me.

I have started the process.