How do you feel about therapist disclosure?

[poss]

Hi guys,

I was just wondering how others feel when their therapist discloses something personal about their own life during therapy sessions. My therapist has started to disclose more recently and sometimes I find it useful as I can relate to it and I know that she understands where I'm coming from but at other times I don't really like it. I see my therapist as a kind of mother figure and I adore her, respect her, look up to her and I find that when she talks about her daughter I get insanely jealous. I just don't want to acknowledge that she is someone's mum but not mine. I don't have a good relationship with my mother so I have strong feelings towards my therapist when she gives me advice and says things like a normal mother would. I know that it's transference and it's not real and that she doesn't feel the same way but I can't help feeling like that.

There are other things that she has disclosed such as things about her husband being like my husband and it has started to feel more like a friendly conversation than a therapy session. I am glad that I am feeling more relaxed in therapy and I feel that we have a closer relationship and that's why we are able to talk like that, but somehow it feels too much and I want to still see her as a mother figure and someone who can advise me, rather than someone that has similar things going on in her own life. Does that make any sense??

Anyone have any similar experiences or opinions about this? I'd love to hear about them.

Thanks,

Poss

 

[Jazzey]

My psychologist has only recently begun to talk about her personal life (in a very minute way) - it makes me feel safer. I don't trust easily and, I don't like the spotlight to be on me. But I'm also not comfortable asking personal questions. If the session is all about me, without even a minute about how her day is going, it feeds into my own guilt (for lack of a better word).

For the first time, the last time that I was there, she disclosed that she was the grandmother to twins. I instantaneously felt safer (I'm a twin but she shared that part with me). I saw the baby pictures. Until that point, I didn't even know whether she had loved ones in her immediate life. It made me feel naked that she knew so much about me and yet, never revealed one iota about herself. The disclosure about her twin grandchildren helped me to disclose other items in my life currently. Otherwise, I probably would have kept my trap shut.

 

[Domo]

Hi Poss,

I understand this a lot. My therapist will share small bits about her when she finds that it will help her make a point. I find this quite helpful and she never crosses the line of burdening me with information.

I do get a bit jealous too. When she came out of an appointment with a girl the other day (she must have been about 10 years old) she was talking to her parents briefly in the waiting room and had her hands on the girls shoulders. I feel stupid saying this but i felt really jealous in a 'why doesn't she do that to me kind of way'. But you know, i'm not 10 :lol:

I think it's extremely important to have a strong relationship with your therapist but when it starts crossing over to that friendship line, you need to be aware that the therapeutic value could be lost.

Have you thought about discussing this with her?

 

[Murray]

Hi Poss,
My therapist does sometimes disclose personal stuff, not too much. Some of the stuff was help me feel better about certain situations in my life- to show that he could empathize, I guess, and show me that things may work out okay. When I first started to see him he mentioned some health problems that he dealt with and also he mentioned how his dad used to beat him when he was a child. It is weird, but I am bothered by this information. It makes me feel guilty sometimes because I feel like -how dare I whine about my crap when I am pretty healthy and my dad didn't beat me. He also sometimes talks about his family celebrations and other stuff, which makes me feel sort of jealous because my family stinks(stupid I know). Anyway, I have pretty mixed feelings about therapist disclosure. I think sometimes it can be helpful, but not always.

 

[Domo]

David, what's your stance on this?

 

[forgetmenot]

It makes him human to me The first time i saw the picture of his little girl in his office i fell apart because i realized he was a father not just a therapist. He talks about his daughter so proudly and how he coaches sport team she on
It hurts in side i don't why but i think sharing little bits of themselves makes it easier for us to share back.
It is like they are equal to us no above us
I think how lucky his child is to have him. His compassion is shown both in his family life and in his office.

 

[Jazzey]

Hi Poss,
My therapist does sometimes disclose personal stuff, not too much. Some of the stuff was help me feel better about certain situations in my life- to show that he could empathize, I guess, and show me that things may work out okay. When I first started to see him he mentioned some health problems that he dealt with and also he mentioned how his dad used to beat him when he was a child. It is weird, but I am bothered by this information. It makes me feel guilty sometimes because I feel like -how dare I whine about my crap when I am pretty healthy and my dad didn't beat me. He also sometimes talks about his family celebrations and other stuff, which makes me feel sort of jealous because my family stinks(stupid I know). Anyway, I have pretty mixed feelings about therapist disclosure. I think sometimes it can be helpful, but not always.

Disclosing that he was beaten would bother me too Murray. I would revert from the role of patient to wanting to find a solution - that's just my makeup. And then again, how does someone divorce themselves from who they are as a person, versus who they are when they wear the 'professional' hat.

And then-getting back to my own idiosyncrases...that level of sharing would probably make me go away. The last psychologist I had disclosed being physically abused by her ex-husband (in great detail) - she also disclosed a marital rape that occurred (also in great detail). That was the end for me - I couldn't fathom sharing my thoughts with her anymore. But, I'm not sure that I can explain why that was.

Maybe if the level of detail hadn't been there, I could have handled it better...I don't know. I do however know that any knowledge of any kind of human suffering, for the past two years, has taken my own thoughts down some very dark pathways. It almost serves as confirmation regarding things that I really want to deny, dismiss etc...Every account of wrongdoing by another human being really affects my thinking about this lifetime.

ps: great question Poss. You've really had me thinking tonight.

 

[poss]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the replies, some really interesting thoughts. It seems that most people find it okay for the therapist to disclose small amounts and that it makes them seem more human.

And Domo...I can really relate to your feelings about your therapist touching the little girl's shoulders! As I read that, I had the exact same feelings, that I would wish she were doing the same to me if it was my therapist! It made me smile, thanks for that

Poss

 

[Ryan Howes]

Great question, Poss.

The old thinking (still held by some) on this was: never disclose anything because therapists should be a blank screen for clients to project all their needs, fears, desires and unfinished business in relationships. For example, If you know I hate skiing, this inhibits your fantasy of us going skiing together. The newer thinking is: disclose information only if it will be of some help to the client.

"Of some help..." is interpreted many different ways. Many times, the disclosure is an appropriate sharing of feelings or data that helps the client feel understood or helps "normalize" their experience. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case. Some therapists disclose in ways that present an additional burden on the client or disrupt the therapy. It's too common a problem that some therapists are socially isolated in their work and look to their clients to meet their relational needs, when they should be taking their issues or needs to be known to friends and family (or their own therapy!).

While it's not always this simple, the basic question is this: does this disclosure help me reach my therapy goals? If yes, it's probably not a problem. If no, clients have every right to let the therapist know. A statement like "when you said/did _____, I felt _____." is a good way to kick the conversation off. It isn't the most pleasant of therapy conversations, but it might help you understand yourself better, practice speaking up, and could be important data for the therapist to help him/her learn and grow.

And if you've confronted the therapist a couple times and it keeps happening, it may be time to move on. Therapy is difficult enough working through the client's issues, if it has to solve the therapist's problems too it can be overwhelming.