How to Care for and Cope With a Bipolar Spouse

[David Baxter PhD]

@Daniel

Do you know why you still stay?

Is it because you think you have nowhere rise to go?

Is it because you still see things worth staying for?

Or is it something else?

 

[gooblax]

Sorry for the loss of your cat @Daniel, and for the super crappy treatment from your husband.

 

[Daniel E.]

@Daniel

Do you know why you still stay?

Yes and no. Part of it is I still like him for the most part, and I am very attached to our pets and to him. And I keep telling myself, if I have enough money for his dope, everything will be fine -- which is basically true.

Things feel mostly good 95 percent of the time, though there is always an undercurrent of my resentment building. And the resentment builds and builds. And it is almost 100% predictable every December we will have fights because of money due to the holidays. With his bipolar, "more is never enough," so he will be angry either that I didn't spend enough on his gift, or a gift for someone else, or that he wants more money for dope. Every Christmas, it is my fault for being a grinch of some sort. Even though, without me, he would barely have enough money to pay his bills.

So I just try to make sure there is enough money. More money, less tension. But even then, it's not enough because the money is still a limited resource. It's expensive to have pets (all of whom he "had to have" except for the younger cat I got), his dope addiction where the tolerance builds and builds, and he doesn't want to seem anything less than generous with Christmas gifts at the same time.

I can literally eat beans and rice if I have to, but, before he bought dope last time, he had a craving for an expensive menu item costing $20. So in one day, he spends $120 and I spend basically nothing. And I'm just supposed to nod and smile. And then later I will be accused of being the one spending too much money because somehow it's my fault for not wanting to watch a pet have problems breathing.

Is it because you think you have nowhere rise to go?

No. I just feel I won't be any better on my own. Just a different set of problems. I hope to eventually make a lot more money in the next year or so, so we should hopefully have fewer arguments about money.

When I do feel suicidal, part of what keeps me going is my attachment to the pets -- not necessarily my attachment to him since he's often part of the reason I feel down.

But this month, he has no choice now but to smoke less marijuana because, even though he has money saved for Christmas gifts, we had to use some of that for the pets' vet bills. We have had $1,000 in vet bills now in the last two months, and, in the last four or five months, we have been spending at least $400 a month on his dope. And then my parents look down on me for not saving money for the future, because somehow my mom now thinks it is her business to ask me how much I have in savings.

I think going forward, I will just not give a **** about his dope problem. And if he needs money for dope, too bad, so sad. Eat beans and rice if you need the money that bad. I need the money for future vet bills and my own future expenses like retirement and maybe one day having to pay for a caregiver for him so I don't have to deal with him all day if he gets dementia in 15-20 years (he is 61 now and I am now 43). If I can't tolerate his temper tantrum, I will just go and take one of the dogs with me.

 

[forgetmenot]

. With his bipolar, "more is never enough, Hi Daniel this line here hit home it does not matter how much you give them how much you do for them how much you support them it is never enough never. i understand that one fully. So it wont matter how much money you make how much you give it will never be enough you are staying because perhaps it is all you know right now to do. Sorry just thinking. YOU first need is you and if you could take the animals with you and leave your would maybe be best his only love it seems is the drug or he would not destroy you like he is doing. Don't stay in a relationship like that my thoughts but then i understand it is hard to leave. Take care of YOU OK PLEASE.

 

[Daniel E.]

. So it wont matter how much money you make how much you give it will never be enough

That does give me the idea to hide how much money I make in the future. Or to outright lie about it.

but then i understand it is hard to leave.

Yes, it is very hard to leave him, even when things were much worse than they are now. I got as far as the next state over (New Mexico) last October or so and thought I was done with him for life, and then drove all six hours or so back home the next day. So by comparison, things are still great compared to this time last year when he was not as well medicated.

I think part of the reason he smokes dope is his death anxiety or anxiety in general. And that is exactly what I have, though in a different form: existential OCD/anxiety. And, even after 20 years of having anxiety, I still don't cope with it all that well. So why would I expect him to cope better than me? Because he is happier than I am as far I can tell, it seems, though there is a significant financial cost to his relative happiness as well as possibly a cost to his physical health.

So it seems I constantly fine tune my feelings about his substance use/abuse to cope with it. And then when he complains about money, I go back to the narrative that he is a selfish drug user.

What is most memorable about his behavior yesterday is what he said to the vet. It reminds me of when he once basically growled at a waiter because the toast was not toasted enough. Like he has no spirituality to help him cope. (My brother has bipolar as well and apparently thinks it is okay to steal now and then as a way to get a high, I guess. Every decade he has at least a couple of run-ins with the police. So it is a very strange disorder to me still, and yet, we are all wanting more, in some respect, even if it is just to want to live longer than a normal lifespan or to be in a relationship than none at all -- or just something with more good and less bad.)

 

[Daniel E.]

Positive update: During his appointment yesterday, he asked his psychiatrist to refer him to a therapist at the VA, mostly because of his grief from his mother's death 13 years ago. And the psychiatrist also added Latuda (to his Zyprexa) for depression.

 

[Daniel E.]

Also, both of us are now in a great mood since we adopted/rescued a 5-week-old kitten this morning who was living outside in the cold with her mother.



I am bottle feeding her kitten formula, and she goes to the vet in a week for vaccines.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

What happened to her mother?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Daniel E.]

The kitten's mom is owned by these people who do not know how to take care of young pets. They lost a puppy a few years ago from neglect. But the mother is doing well as far as outdoor cats go. She is well-fed and has an outdoor shelter that is fenced to help protect her from coyotes.

 

[Daniel E.]

BTW, we weighed the kitten with a small postal scale (to see how much to feed her) and s/he weighs about 1 pound and 5 ounces, which is good for 5 weeks old. But we won't know its gender for sure until next week when the vet sees him/her.

The last time I had a kitten was as a child, so I am very excited. The dogs love the kitten but, as expected, my adult cat is still getting used to it.

But it seems to be a boy since we just got a semi-expert opinion.

 

[gooblax]

Have you given him/her a name yet?

 

[Daniel E.]

Yes, since we now think it is a boy, we are going with Vester. So it is a way of naming him after Sylvester, our cat who died this week.

But if the kitten turns out to be a girl, we are going to name her Glenda.

And the kitten is eating the wet kitten food now too, in addition to the kitten formula.

The other good thing is that the vet hospital in the next town over charges less than $70 to neuter the kitten later on, so I am going to take him there for life probably since they are cheaper on other things too like a free follow-up exam if your pet is sick.

 

[Daniel E.]

A better picture from this morning, with her no longer nervous like yesterday:



She is off the bottle and now prefers a bowl of formula mixed with wet food. Will try a little kitty kibble later today.

(I think she's a girl, until the vet says otherwise )

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Needs more toys.

 

[forgetmenot]

what a beautiful kitten i think also it is a girl the eyes so adorable

 

[GaryQ]

@Daniel

I'm sorry for not being around for some sort of moral support. (I actually thought my account was closed... long story... and an email said I got a PM earlier. It's been a very rough week physically and I'm not out of the woods yet and not going to discuss it)

Glad the kitten brings joy but at the same time I see more financial burden with vet bills.
I hope things stabilize at home but fear this pattern is a stereotypical trap.

Your mom and FMN are both right and i have suggested more than a year ago that you stop finding excuses for not putting money aside for if you need to bail. The more you bring in the more he will want (need). If you can't save it without spending it, Maybe your mom can open a savings account for you and you send her money on a regular basis and. Then if and when you need it she can get it to you. If all goes better you'll have some cash saved for later. Can't lose there!

Regarding leaving; seems like leaving a toxic relationship is harder than one that just doesn't work.
Sure if you leave you will still have issues,,, BUT you won't have his to carry on your back.

This part may seem cold but the reality is Why would he change as long as he has you enabling him?
He has s cook, a maid, someone to take his sh-t, a money machine. And like a spoiled child if he doesn't get what he wants he knows you'll give in with the right temper tantrum. That's abuse even if not physical. As long as you find excuses to justify his actions nothing will change.

Wish you all the best.
Take care of yourself

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Glad the kitten brings joy but at the same time I see more financial burden with vet bills.

Yes but speaking from personal experience I can say that what pets give back far outweighs the additional costs.

And of course Daniel knows this from their other pets.

And with a kitten the initial costs are more predictable - spaying, vaccinations - which is different and less expensive usually than unexpected bills and CT scans and medications for illnesses in older pets.

 

[Daniel E.]

I hope things stabilize at home but fear this pattern is a stereotypical trap.

Well, I am more hopeful than that -- until I mentally "split" (not unlike people with BPD):

What is Splitting in Borderline Personality Disorder?

Splitting means having difficulty holding opposing thoughts. A person who experiences splitting is unable to weigh positive and negative attributes of a person or event or recognize that good and bad attributes can be true at the same time.

Part of the reason I haven't been good about savings is there has not been a day in my life I have had to truly worry about money because my parents are "comfortable" and will always bail me out if need be. Of course, I try not to take advantage of that anymore and I know they won't be around forever, and I think my parents were secretly glad I got married (even though they are anti-gay with their religion) since I haven't needed as much from them emotionally or financially since getting married.

But my husband's marijuana use has been an ongoing issue for me -- mostly legally in the beginning as medical marijuana was not legal in Florida at the time. That's also part of the reason we moved to Arizona since it's a more liberal state, as evidenced by the fact that even recreational marijuana is being allowed (unlike in Florida). And part of the reason I worry about money is that it relates to my OCD worries like going to prison for a crime I didn't commit. (How these relate is a long story.)

My husband and most people have a firmer grasp of reality than I do for some things, which is why OCD is not unlike schizophrenia in some aspects:

International OCD Foundation | Schizophrenia and OCD: A Consideration of Schizo-Obsessive Disorder

Unfortunately, while these definitions sound very different, in clinical practice they can be difficult to distinguish. Additionally, many patients have both ego-syntonic and ego-dystonic thoughts.

I had a distant relative with schizophrenia who believed the police were really following him and trying to catch him. With OCD, it is more subtle than that, since the paranoia is more intellectual and about hypothetical possibilities rather than psychosis per se.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I hate the term "splitting" personally. It's a throwback to when borderline personality disorder was thought to be pretty much borderline schizophrenia.

It's really an extreme form of black and white, all or nothing thinking, something anyone familiar with CBT or DBT is very familiar with.

 

[Daniel E.]

And such all-or-nothing thinking relates partly to ROCD (relationship OCD):

Relationship obsessive–compulsive disorder - Wikipedia

Partner-focused symptoms

Another form of ROCD includes preoccupation, checking, and reassurance-seeking behaviors relating to the partner's perceived flaws. Instead of finding good in their partner, they are constantly focused on their shortcomings. They often exaggerate these flaws and use them to prove the relationship is fundamentally bad. The fact that they are unable to concentrate on anything but their partner's flaws causes the sufferer great anxiety, and often leads to a strained relationship. Recent investigations suggest partner-focused ROCD symptoms may also occur in the parent-child context. In such cases, parents may be overwhelmed by preoccupations that their child is not socially competent, good looking, moral or emotionally balanced enough. Such obsession are associated with increased parental stress and low mood.