• Quote of the Day
    "Hope is the thing with feathers, That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all."
    Emily Dickinson, posted by Daniel

Daniel

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When I was still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, the ROCD was also about me not being good enough (to the point he may be better off with someone else), but I overcame that by focusing on his flaws almost exclusively :D

I think part of the reason I haven't mentioned ROCD before is that my therapists never mentioned it, so I had to get to that conclusion through the slow, slow process of building insight.

ROCD reminds me of existential OCD since both very much feel to me like a mixed bag of legitimate concerns and constantly evaluating things (even though the ruminating is more distressing than the objects of concern and the ruminating never leads to the desired outcome of certainty).
 
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Daniel

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Similarly:

The Many Faces of OCD

Couples may be unaware of the underlying causes – obsessive thoughts and beliefs; the anxiety associated with them; the controlling, complaining behavior that follows – and partners react emotionally out of frustration. On the surface, it looks like tension and arguments about the kids, money, chores, or even an affair in the past. And those can be troubling issues to be sure. However, the OCD process takes over at times, and becomes a primary source of relationship distress.
 

Daniel

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what pets give back far outweighs the additional costs.

Exactly. When the kitten wakes up, it is like another ketamine dose :D My only regret is not getting a kitten sooner since it's been like 30 years since I have had one.

And I don't mind giving money to veterinarians compared to Walmart, which still gets most of our spending money. We have been good lately though about spending less there, such as buying less processed foods.
 

Daniel

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If my marriage is an opportunity for growth, it is a post-traumatic growth as well :)

I feel like I am married to a narcissistic Trump sometimes, esp. now with my husband having more agitation while not smoking as much marijuana. Most days are good but twice in the last week, including now, I have had to leave our small 1200 sq ft house to gather my sanity.

Today, my husband criticized me for not being as in control over my OCD as he is of his bipolar. Which to me just shows his lack of insight. It would be funny if he were not scolding me about it and how I drive.

He needs me to take him everywhere like his various medical appointments since his foot is healing still after yet another foot surgery three months ago. And my only reward is being told I am a terrible driver who needs to change lanes, speed up, slow down, etc.

In the same drive, he will criticize me for being too cautious and not cautious enough. It is maddening and tiring. Of course, I tell him I hate his back seat driving (as I have told him for the last 8 years), but he never stops.

Then on the car speakerphone, he tells my mom in passing that I am not doing my share of the dishes. Which is what he told his sister last week when she was visiting. My retort is there are a lot of dishes when you feed specially prepared meals to 7 pets, three times a day. So he continues to be ungrateful since I do 95 percent of the pet care, which is more now with a COPD senior dog and a new dog. And I do all of the chicken care and cat care. He doesn't even know where the cat food is or what medicine the senior dog takes. In other words, he plays martyr, forgetting I spend entire days making sure he gets to his appointments in Phoenix and soon Flagstaff as well (also 2 hours each way).

So when we get the stimulus money next week or so ($600 each), I will probably beg him to buy pot, assuming he refuses to take more Zyprexa as prescribed for when he is more agitated than usual. It is hard to care about his COPD getting worse when he does not care about triggering me.

At the risk of being melodramatic, I sometimes wish I liked women instead of men since women seem generally more introspective/thoughtful/insightful than men. Most men seem like ass****** even without a mental disorder or a need to feel macho (as in toxic masculinity).

He will never work while I am trying to finish school to work fulltime so that he can have even more reason to complain I don't do enough around the house.
 
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David Baxter

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Anosognosia - Treatment Advocacy Center

Anosognosia, also called "lack of insight," is a symptom of severe mental illness experienced by some that impairs a person's ability to understand and perceive his or her illness. It is the single largest reason why people with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder refuse medications or do not seek treatment.

Approximately 50% of individuals with schizophrenia and 40% with bipolar disorder have symptoms of anosognosia. Long recognized in stroke, Alzheimer’s disease and other neurological conditions, studies of anosognosia in psychiatric disorders is producing a growing body of evidence of anatomical damage in the part of the brain involved with self-reflection. When taking medications, insight improves in some patients.
 

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Another positive update:

Later the same night, he agreed to take the PRN/additional morning dose of Zyprexa when I brought up the subject. (After he agreed, I joked with him if he didn't, I would have gone off my Prozac :D )

Also, I had underlying stress from him not going to the doctor/dentist for his mouth sore for a week. (So he agreed to do that the next morning by going to the ER, as I had started to worry it may be mouth cancer given it was only getting worse -- after buying everything at the store for him -- and given his lifetime of smoking and it was so big it looked like a growth to me. The ER doctor said it was the biggest canker sore she had ever seen. She said it was probably stress related and in no way was it cancerous. She prescribed a steroid mouth paste, triamcinolone, as well as lidocaine, and it is almost completely healed now.)

And I discussed with him today why does he complain almost every year that it never feels like Christmas when we are alone together on Christmas. He then admitted it was because of him missing/grieving his mother, as opposed to not liking his gifts enough (his usual excuse).
 

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"It's hard for most of us to go through a typical day outside the home without some humiliating incident, however trivial, without some frustrating reminder of how limited our power is, how unimportant we are. The relationships we want to spend our lives in should be a refuge from this. If they are just a source of more humiliation, they're not healthy places to stay in...There's no way you can win by staying. In that sense it's not different from physical abuse. But the sense of release and relief that comes from getting out of a relationship like this is enormous."

― Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay
 

Daniel

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"In my experience, it seems that those of us living with bipolar and other mental health conditions are drawn to one another. I’ve always had an intuitive sense of unity with others who share a certain mental turmoil. I can tell—and I’ve almost always been proven right—that someone has this quality within them. And some of the most profound connections I’ve felt with others have been based to some extent around the particular outlook and understanding that coincides with having a mental health condition."

~ Brianne LaPelusa
 

Daniel

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“Moods are by nature compelling, contagious, and profoundly interpersonal, and disorders of mood alter the perceptions and behaviors not only of those who have them but also of those who are related or closely associated. Manic-depressive illness—marked as it is by extraordinary and confusing fluctuations in mood, personality, thinking, and behavior—inevitably has powerful and often painful effects on relationships.”

― Kay Redfield Jamison, Touched with Fire
 

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