I give up. I don't mean on therapy (yes, I have started seeing someone) or on life or on having hope for other people, but I give up on myself in a way, b/c I can't get out of this. I hate to be negative, but please don't think I'm just jumping to conclusions, I've come to this conclusion over 10yrs, and I've progressed through different levels of understanding this disorder, but even now, I won't let it go. I don't expect a quick fix, I don't expect things to change over night. I do expect to want this 100% and I don't- as hurt as I am and as in much pain as I am, I can't let go, I don't want to let go. I always play these games, from one hand doing everything to "recover" and then at the same time doing everything to sabotage my efforts or do things "my way". Every time I seriosuly think about these things, it gets worse- and I don't know how to deal w/ that. I know you're supposed to expect things to get worse, but how do you get through this until- it gets better I guess? it's like I want to get better, but I also don't want to give anything up... I wish it really was just about eating or not eating, but it's so much more than that... it affects everything I do or don't do, all my relationships, all my different areas in my life- school, work, home, friends, relationships, my future.... I almost feel like I have this other person inside my head who doesn't WANT to get better, who doesn't WANT to let go, who WANTS to do things "my" way, and the voice is so strong, and then I have the other part of me who realizes this isn't normal, who just wants to be happy, but who can't ever really extinguish the other voice, only dampen it temporarily... which one is the real me? which one should I listen to (I know what you're thinking but in my head it's not that clear)? if that one voice is "bad" then why does it feel so good when you do what it wants??? I always thought I had all these coping mechanisms, but I guess there's a difference btwn coping & just pushing things out of one's consciousness or avoiding coping w/ things through distracting yourself??? but isn't that coping too? when it comes down to it, I'm just really mad at myself for all of this, b/c I don't understand why I do this to myself.