I am so confused

[Eunoia]

I give up. I don't mean on therapy (yes, I have started seeing someone) or on life or on having hope for other people, but I give up on myself in a way, b/c I can't get out of this. I hate to be negative, but please don't think I'm just jumping to conclusions, I've come to this conclusion over 10yrs, and I've progressed through different levels of understanding this disorder, but even now, I won't let it go. I don't expect a quick fix, I don't expect things to change over night. I do expect to want this 100% and I don't- as hurt as I am and as in much pain as I am, I can't let go, I don't want to let go. I always play these games, from one hand doing everything to "recover" and then at the same time doing everything to sabotage my efforts or do things "my way". Every time I seriosuly think about these things, it gets worse- and I don't know how to deal w/ that. I know you're supposed to expect things to get worse, but how do you get through this until- it gets better I guess? it's like I want to get better, but I also don't want to give anything up... I wish it really was just about eating or not eating, but it's so much more than that... it affects everything I do or don't do, all my relationships, all my different areas in my life- school, work, home, friends, relationships, my future.... I almost feel like I have this other person inside my head who doesn't WANT to get better, who doesn't WANT to let go, who WANTS to do things "my" way, and the voice is so strong, and then I have the other part of me who realizes this isn't normal, who just wants to be happy, but who can't ever really extinguish the other voice, only dampen it temporarily... which one is the real me? which one should I listen to (I know what you're thinking but in my head it's not that clear)? if that one voice is "bad" then why does it feel so good when you do what it wants??? I always thought I had all these coping mechanisms, but I guess there's a difference btwn coping & just pushing things out of one's consciousness or avoiding coping w/ things through distracting yourself??? but isn't that coping too? when it comes down to it, I'm just really mad at myself for all of this, b/c I don't understand why I do this to myself.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I don't expect a quick fix, I don't expect things to change over night. I do expect to want this 100% and I don't- as hurt as I am and as in much pain as I am, I can't let go, I don't want to let go. I always play these games, from one hand doing everything to "recover" and then at the same time doing everything to sabotage my efforts or do things "my way".

Why do you expect to want it 100%? Do you think alcoholics, addicts, cigarette smokers, or anyone else with a longstanding coping mechanism they are trying to change want to give up their old coping strategies 100%? I would say that's a rarety. You have some ambivalence - that's not unusual. You have some anxieties and fears about losing a familiar part of you - that's not unusual either. And you have some doubts that you can succeed in changing - hence the sabotaging behavior to (inconsciously) create a ready-made rationale in case that happens - and that's not unusual either.

 

[Cat Dancer]

I think as long as a tiny bit of you wants to recover then that's good enough for now.

 

[Ashley-Kate]

hey there sweeite , well i could say so much to you because you are a good person and giving up is not the correct word i find in this situation because you have fought for so long but that is the thing you fought so long are you really ready to just let that go and pretend all your efforts did not existe comme on now look at all the help that you gave to so many other people read it and look at the other part of you as you read it the part of you that wants to rid yourself of the e-d you deserve to be happy i know you can do it i know it is hard but i know you can you are not meant to be anorexic or bulimic you are meant to be you and nothing else you are a good person and know that i believe in you we all do don't give up .. know that it is hard and that you are ina bad pass but you can over come it little steps at a time ..
yours trully
ashley

 

[Eunoia]

I guess I don't want my ed 100% either, so there goes my argument & line of reasoning. I just don't understand how I can want two things at the time that are so different from each other- it's like I'm torturing myself, b/c whichever way I go it doesn't feel completely right. I guess it is a lot of ambivalence, that seems to describe this past year. :frown: That voice inside isn't giving in. I really do wonder, is "recovery" silencing that voice or just dampening it?

I was watching the sunset a few days ago and just as the sun was disappearing behind the mountains I was screaming inside, thinking "there goes all my hope" but then I realized that the sun doesn't disappear or cease to exist- I just can't see it anymore for the next 12 hours or so- but it's always "there", somewhere. And it's the same w/ having hope, at times it seems like it's disappearing and it's hidden by sadness, grief, anger, hopelessness etc. but it's always "there", somewhere... and it will come back. Then my friend said "oh, that was so beautiful, there goes the sun... for today". To him it made a whole lot of sense it'd be back tomorrow... I really have to remember to remind myself of that, to hold on, knowing maybe for now hope is fading but it's always there.... thanks for listening & the encouragement... it's just really really hard to be in this place and I'm trying but it's SO hard.

 

[Peanut]

Hey Eunoia,

I think that it's great that you are seeing someone.? You spend so much time helping and supporting other people that you definitely deserve some support for yourself.? I can relate to that not wanting recovery 100%, after all, I guess there is a reason why we start doing these things in the first place.? It must work for us in some way.? Hopefully wanting something over 50% is good enough=)

Did you find a good therapist?

 

[poohbear]

I agree/w ith Ashley-Kate and Janet (and our Doc, of course!). Just wanting to get bettersometimes is all we have. Right now with all the "junk in my trunk", I am only concentrating on school. You're right too, in a way (Eunoia)-- we do push things away for a while until we can cope with them again. Right now, I can't. I can only focus on school, kids, work and breathing. You just gotta want it for you. Keep on... (poohbear)

 

[Eunoia]

thanks both of you.

toeless- I think I did find a good therapist, one of her expertise is ED's so that really helps for what I need- I think. She's really easy to talk to and non-judgmental and makes a lot of sense so far- which is weird b/c I feel like she already "gets" some things that took me YEARS to "get"- but I guess that's what therapists are there for, lol. Do you still like yours? now that we both got to that point, yay for us!!!

 

[Peanut]

That's really great that she has expertise in eating disorders. Do you get to have many sessions with her? I am really pulling for you. As I said before, you have really helped me a lot and it would make me very happy to see you get help when you need it. You clearly have so much inner beauty that I think it would be great if you could be freed from the heavy weight of the eating disorder (sort of like your butterfly picture). And I think that it's a matter of when, not if.

You're right, yay for us. Now nobody can ever say we didn't put in the effort=) And in answer to your question, I am not sure about him. I wish he was more like Dr. B.

 

[Eunoia]

I think that it's a matter of when, not if

thank you so much for saying that. and everything else.

I guess it depends on what you call "many" sessions, initially I was supposed to go every 3-4 weeks but since the 1st time I went it's been everything from one week to two and three weeks inbtwn so I have no idea what will happen in the future... but honestly I don't want to go too much b/c it is a lot to deal w/ and there is always the $ factor. at this point it really is more a matter of sticking with going at all than how much... but yeah, yay for us for both putting in the effort. It sounds like things have been up & down w/ your therapist, hopefully things will turn around for you. I remember how much you wanted to find a good therapist!! and you deserve to have a good one too so don't forget that.