I Can't Stop Drinking

[Roy H.]

I can't stop drinking. I have been to treatment once, but I feel so shy that I found it hard to fit in at treatmant. My family is now trying to force me back into treatment, and I don't know what I am gonna do.


I feel suicidal and depressed; my life feels like it is worthless--like I'm a worthless piece of garbage to my family. I can't believe how hard this life is. I'm not looking for sympathy here, I just wanted to talk to someone.

 

[Fiver]

Talking here is a good start, Roy. I'm impressed by how you worded this: "my life feels like it is worthless--like I'm a worthless piece of garbage to my family." Just because it feels like it's worthless doesn't make it worthless. The fact that you used the syntax this way says a lot to me, that you know there's a spark in there worth fighting for.

I'm not well-versed in this area, but I'm looking forward to reading the responses of those who are. You're worth it, Roy. I know it, and somewhere in side you know it, too.

 

[ladylore]

My advice would be to call up the treatment centre and see what other resources are in the area. For example: therapists that deal with addiction, or AA.

Have you ever been to a meeting? They do provide you a good place to go and loads of support. But definitely call up the treatment centre and see what resources they can point you too.

I get this because I am not one for groups either. I personally have dealt with addiction and have come out the other side. It can be done.

 

[Roy H.]

Talking here is a good start, Roy. I'm impressed by how you worded this: "my life feels like it is worthless--like I'm a worthless piece of garbage to my family." Just because it feels like it's worthless doesn't make it worthless. The fact that you used the syntax this way says a lot to me, that you know there's a spark in there worth fighting for.

I'm not well-versed in this area, but I'm looking forward to reading the responses of those who are. You're worth it, Roy. I know it, and somewhere in side you know it, too.

Thank you for your words, Fiver. I just wanted to talk to someone right now.

I'm cryin' right now...I can't believe it. grown man crying...I feel so lame. I just don't know what's going to happen next.

 

[ladylore]

Tears are a good thing. Feel crappy but they are a good thing. Your not alone Roy. And asking for help is an incredibly courageous thing to do.:2thumbs:

 

[Roy H.]

Tears are a good thing. Feel crappy but they are a good thing. Your not alone Roy. And asking for help is an incredibly courageous thing to do.:2thumbs:

I just don't know where else to go. I'm scared right now..really scared. I don't know if I'm gonna blow my head off or not.


I am glad I have a forum here to chat with like-minded people who've been through what I've been through.

 

[Fiver]

And as far as a grown man crying...okay. I think it's good. You're scared, you feel alone. Heck, I cry under those circumstances, too, and I don't think it matters that I'm not a man. Sex has no monopoly on the expression of feelings.

ladylore gave you some good starting points. But the thing is, are you at the point where you're ready for a change...for yourself? I'm getting the impression that you are, and that it's not just for your family that you want to stop drinking. You are worth doing something positive for you, for yourself.

Cut yourself a break tonight, and recognize that you are taking that first step because you deserve it.

 

[Roy H.]

And as far as a grown man crying...okay. I think it's good. You're scared, you feel alone. Heck, I cry under those circumstances, too, and I don't think it matters that I'm not a man. Sex has no monopoly on the expression of feelings.

ladylore gave you some good starting points. But the thing is, are you at the point where you're ready for a change...for yourself? I'm getting the impression that you are, and that it's not just for your family that you want to stop drinking. You are worth doing something positive for you, for yourself.

Cut yourself a break tonight, and recognize that you are taking that first step because you deserve it.

Yeah, I think my drinking days are over. It's cost me so much pain and loss. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety; my mother has bipolar and has been on lithium for about 30 years. I think I might be bipolar and need lithium, but I'm not sure.

 

[ladylore]

Here is a site that offers crisis services. They are very good. All you need to do is go down the list to find the number closest to you and call. Your worth it. :support:

Befrienders

 

[ladylore]

Right now you need all the support you can get. But going to your doctor to talk to him/her about what your going through is a good idea too.

The drinking does worsen depression, so your right on the money there.

 

[Fiver]

You've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety; are you currently seeing the practitioner who diagnosed you? If not, is there a possibility that you can make the connection again? That might be a good goal for tomorrow, to find a professional to give you the proper guidance you need right now.

And again, LL smacks it head on. You don't have to be alone with this tonight. There are places to call for immediate help if you're willing to reach out there. Roy, you are deserving of that help, you are.

 

[Roy H.]

You've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety; are you currently seeing the practitioner who diagnosed you? If not, is there a possibility that you can make the connection again? That might be a good goal for tomorrow, to find a professional to give you the proper guidance you need right now.

And again, LL smacks it head on. You don't have to be alone with this tonight. There are places to call for immediate help if you're willing to reach out there. Roy, you are deserving of that help, you are.

I'm not seeing anyone regularly. I am a (late 20s) student right now and was working with someone from my campus to try to tackle some of anxiety issues, but not anymore.

 

[Fiver]

So if I were in your situation, Roy, I'd feel better tonight if I could set some kind of goal, no matter how small, to tackle for the morning. That goal, for me, would be to find a practitioner experienced in the mental health field who could see me as soon as possible. If you don't have the funds to pay out of pocket, there are community services that offer assistance. The fact that you've had a previous diagnosis of depression, coupled with the dual diagnosis of substance abuse, prompts me to urge you to take action, regardless of how hard that step will be.

You've done the first part right here. You've reached out and asked for someone told talk to you, to hold your hand. The next step is up to you, and it's the hard step. Can you do it? Are you willing? Are you willing to try with continued support from those of us here who've already offered our hand to you?

Again, regardless of how alone in the world you feel, you don't need to be. But you have to take the steps.

 

[Into The Light]

how are you doing today, roy? have you made any appointments?

 

[Roy H.]

I feel a little sick. I get nauseous real bad after binging - had only a couple bites of food today. One of the worst problems with binge drinking is insomnia, which I have right now.

My folks and I are going to get in touch with the previous doctor a little sooner. I had a follow up due at the end of the month, but we want to talk to her a little sooner and see if I need to either be committed or go to treatment. I'm on prozac and seroquel right now and I take hydroxyzine (as needed) for anxiety. We were going to follow up on my meds, but I want to do it sooner now. I have passive thoughts of suicide...no specific plans, just thoughts of worthlessness. Again, she wasn't my regular doctor, just someone who followed up with me after I had a previous stayed order of committment.

This binge drinking is so over now. I just can't take it anymore. It looks like regardless, my life is going to be put on hold now until I can get my head clear, and then I can continue to pursue my B.A. degree and further.

 

[Fiver]

Roy, I'm so glad you came back. I was really afraid you might not. Thank you, sincerely, for coming back to let us know what's up.

So hey, take a look at the positive things that have happened so far: You've got the support of your folks. While parents can be a definite pain in the ass, for the most part they've got your best interests in their hearts. You're going to see your doc -- or at least a doc -- a little sooner. This is good, real good. It means you took action today to fix a problem that you recognize. That's a big step, a big one, and take pride in that, okay?

Putting your life on hold for a while isn't such a bad thing. Ultimately, it's going to be the best thing for you because you'll come out of it with some clear goals and some tools to achieve those goals. Maybe it might feel like just treading water, but it's actually a temporary stop to put things in order. You're doing the right things here, Roy. You took the steps, and if you'll forgive me if this sounds patronizing, I'd like to tell you that I'm proud of you for doing it.

You're not alone. You've got family, you've got folks here who care, and if you'll take just one more step, you can find a lot of support at meetings, even if it's nothing more than getting out of the house and out of your head for an hour or so. Sometimes that in itself can make a day a little bit better.

Man, I am so glad to see you came back tonight. You've been in my thoughts.

 

[Roy H.]

Roy, I'm so glad you came back. I was really afraid you might not. Thank you, sincerely, for coming back to let us know what's up.

So hey, take a look at the positive things that have happened so far: You've got the support of your folks. While parents can be a definite pain in the ass, for the most part they've got your best interests in their hearts. You're going to see your doc -- or at least a doc -- a little sooner. This is good, real good. It means you took action today to fix a problem that you recognize. That's a big step, a big one, and take pride in that, okay?

Putting your life on hold for a while isn't such a bad thing. Ultimately, it's going to be the best thing for you because you'll come out of it with some clear goals and some tools to achieve those goals. Maybe it might feel like just treading water, but it's actually a temporary stop to put things in order. You're doing the right things here, Roy. You took the steps, and if you'll forgive me if this sounds patronizing, I'd like to tell you that I'm proud of you for doing it.

You're not alone. You've got family, you've got folks here who care, and if you'll take just one more step, you can find a lot of support at meetings, even if it's nothing more than getting out of the house and out of your head for an hour or so. Sometimes that in itself can make a day a little bit better.

Man, I am so glad to see you came back tonight. You've been in my thoughts.

If I told my life story, it'd take several pages here. A lot of stuff has happened to me in the last year alone: stayed order of commitment; threats of suicide; loss of my girlfriend of five years; a family that has finally come to the end with them tolerating with my eratic behavior. My sisters don't even want anything to do with me anymore. I don't have many friends anymore either, at least none that maintain any significant amount of sobriety. I'm afraid I will have to battle my CD issues for the rest of my life, and I don't know how I'm going to do it. I do like the love that people display on this site though, when my sense of humanity at times in the real world has been so tarnished with all the evil in the world. I feel a sense of brotherhood/sisterhood on this forum. It's good to have this place to if nothing else at least talk to some people who actually have some sort of idea where I'm coming from.

The one thing that the few doc's I've talked to in the last year or so has been the fact that alcohol negates any possitive affects that Rx are to have, which is why they gave me an ultimatum the last time I went to the behavioral health unit downtown. They said I needed to clean up (stop using) for the meds for depression/anxiety to work for me. That's why I might have to go back to treatment and make permanent changes in my life for the better.

 

[Fiver]

There are plenty of pages to use up if you feel like writing it out. I'd sure read it. I've screwed up plenty in my 46 years, and I also have burned bridges and alienated a sister or two (although I'm realizing that this was a blessing in disguise.) None of my screwups were due to substance abuse but you know what? It doesn't matter. We all make mistakes, and we all deserve the chance to prove ourselves to those we've hurt if that's what we want to do.

You're going to do it in small steps, Roy. Very small steps. With a few steps backward here and there. And listen, I'm not just talking out of my ass here, okay? My circumstances are different in specifics, but it all boils down to starting over and accepting the small victories as we win them. You'll win them, too. (And I can't believe that I, of all people, am about to say this but) Be patient. You can't fix it all in one felled swoop. It takes time and hard work.

And it's worth it.

I get your disillusionment with the real world. But keep your eyes open, Roy. If you know ahead of time that there are good people right in front of you even in the middle of adversity, you'll find them. You'll see them. The problem is, when we're in pain, we shut our eyes hard because it hurts so much, and then we can't see the good people who have been right there for us to see if our eyes were open.

Yeah, it may sound idiotic, but I've found this to be a basic truth in my life for nigh on thirty years now. You just have to remember to keep those eyes open.

 

[Roy H.]

There are plenty of pages to use up if you feel like writing it out. I'd sure read it. I've screwed up plenty in my 46 years, and I also have burned bridges and alienated a sister or two (although I'm realizing that this was a blessing in disguise.) None of my screwups were due to substance abuse but you know what? It doesn't matter. We all make mistakes, and we all deserve the chance to prove ourselves to those we've hurt if that's what we want to do.

You're going to do it in small steps, Roy. Very small steps. With a few steps backward here and there. And listen, I'm not just talking out of my ass here, okay? My circumstances are different in specifics, but it all boils down to starting over and accepting the small victories as we win them. You'll win them, too. (And I can't believe that I, of all people, am about to say this but) Be patient. You can't fix it all in one felled swoop. It takes time and hard work.

And it's worth it.

I get your disillusionment with the real world. But keep your eyes open, Roy. If you know ahead of time that there are good people right in front of you even in the middle of adversity, you'll find them. You'll see them. The problem is, when we're in pain, we shut our eyes hard because it hurts so much, and then we can't see the good people who have been right there for us to see if our eyes were open.

Yeah, it may sound idiotic, but I've found this to be a basic truth in my life for nigh on thirty years now. You just have to remember to keep those eyes open.

No, it doesn't sound idiotic. I think it makes sense. I guess the booze probably doesn't help to see the positive things in life, and I hope somehow I can defeat these CD issues and get the right meds to straighten my life out.

My mother took lithium for the last 30 years or so, and I don't know if that sort of mood stabilizer is what I need - and I might - but I likewise need to sober up for my own good and out of respect to those around me, because it's disrespectful to drink the way I do around my family...baricade myself in my basement, and watch my grades suffer because of this stupidity as well.

 

[Fiver]

Two things stick out to me here, Roy:

My mother took lithium for the last 30 years or so, and I don't know if that sort of mood stabilizer is what I need - and I might -

Okay, you might or you might not. The thing is, a proper diagnosis and treatment really can't be offered while you're still drinking and masking whatever non-alcohol symptoms might be lurking beneath. This would be one very good reason to abstain, so that a real diagnosis can be made based on real symptoms.

but I likewise need to sober up for my own good

and that's where I'm going to stop you. It's noble and considerate that you also respect your family and wish to make their lives easier, but first and foremost you need to sober up for you. You, Roy, deserve to be free from what's holding you back. You deserve to be happy, and if alcohol abuse is keeping you from that state, then you deserve to sober up for you first.

You do deserve a shot at happiness. You're worth it. I mean, look how you've engaged me here two nights in a row. Heck, I'm enjoying this conversation with you. You're articulate, intelligent, sensitive, and you seem like a genuinely good man. You've got a lot going for you. I think you're worth it and I hope that you'll see it pretty soon, too.