I need help with my girlfriend (please someone answer)

[Manquark]

I know this text is very long but I can't explain the problem quickly. In general it's about intimacy problems and a one sided relationship

My girlfriend and I are both 22, we're together for almost 4 months now and we live in two different cities - we see each other during the week-end.

I met her about 6 months before I told her my "feelings" (at midnight on new year's eve), she told me she felt the same but (cause there was a "but") that she didn't want this relation to be short in time, she wanted it to be serious and wanted to wait a little bit before getting together. I agreed, of course, even if I was a bit surprised cause I thought that after all those times before I didn't have to prove that it wasn't going to be just a fling. (I never told her that of course). Anyway I did what she "asked" and 5 weeks later we were together. (She also said that she didn't want to get together before she finishes her February exams)

I'm getting to the point now:

Very very quickly I became unhappy cause I realized that the relationship was one sided. In other words I'm always the one doing everything. It's my first serious relationship, I really like her but I can't say that things are the way they should be. Let me explain: She never talks about her emotions, she rarely shows me any signs of affection, we only meet alone, I never saw her friends...

It's not that she rejects me; not at all... I can see that she likes me but she never initiates anything. I'm always the one messaging her, holding her hand, cuddling her, giving her compliments and kissing her. I feel like I don't mean anything to her. She also never calls me up (the last time was several weeks ago). At the beginning I didn't understand why and how to explain her behavior I thought it was my fault which was making me act wrong with her several times. The last time was when I asked her if she would want to stay at my apartment the next time we meet. Normally when we go at my place I bring her back after - a 1 hour car trip at 3 in the morning. So it wasn't inappropriate to propose that next time she could stay for the night. I understood by myself that she didn't want to because it means that she would have to tell her parents about me and she find it to be too soon (3 months). I made the mistake to continue the discussion and ask for more explanation; after that she didn't answer my calls for a week after that. I was really sad, I didn't want to hurt her.
I told her very quickly in an email that I would just like her to say what she feels. That would be enough for me. Her reply was the only real time she told me what she was feeling: she told me that it was one of her flaws (not to express her feelings) and that she will change for me! (I didn't asked that much) She also said that she knew that she had found in me the rare one to whom she could say everything. And that she didn't understand how I could like her so much.

That email moved me a lot !

It's illogic to say that and then don't show any sign of affection. Once she thought I would want to break up with her because of that. I can't say I didn't thought about it.

I would really need some help. I don't want to have to break up with her because I'm feeling unhappy. How to show her that it makes me sad not to receive any sign of affection ??

 

[HA]

Welcome Manquark!

My only thoughts on your situation is that it has been 6 mths. Nothing has changed for her to become more affectionate toward you and this seems very important to you. Even when you discussed it and she said she would change...nothing has.

I always feel that if the beginning of a relationship is that difficult and more work than pleasure, then it can only get worse with time...not better. If I were you I would move on to find someone that is a better match for you on the affectionate end.

 

[Manquark]

Well, I don't agree. My head would want to break up, but not my heart.
Right now things are better than at the beginning but still. Since we are together she called me only 2 times. 2 TIMES in 4 MONTHS !!

When we meet it's ok, I'm happy cause I can take her hand and kiss her and all, as she never initiate any kiss or hand taking, etc..
Last time we met I offered her flowers. She liked them a lot and at my great surprise she had also a little something for me. A gift cause it has been exactly a year since the time we met for the first time. It was the t-shirt of the party at which we met.
So she likes me, I know (even if sometimes I really have doubts about it).

It's really during the week that I'm sad, cause it's like I doesn't exist. She never calls and on the phone it's hard to talk romanticly cause she doesn't open or share her feelings. And when I do, and ask her if she feels the same she just close her mouth.... dead silent.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Maybe that's just the way she is, Manquark - a bit shy, perhaps, or uncomfortable expressing her feelings, or even a little distrustful believing you when you express yours. Some people are also just uncomfortable talking on the phone.

I guess the question to ask yourself is this: If she doesn't change significantly in the next little while, can I accept her for who she is and the relationship for what it is? or will I find this irritating or intolerable?

 

[Manquark]

...uncomfortable expressing her feelings, or even a little distrustful believing you when you express yours.

I already thought about that very seriously. Sometimes I really wonder if she believes me when I compliment her or express my feelings.

Is it unchangeable ? I mean a relationship where only one is showing affection (gestures or words) cannot last. If she stays like this she'll always be alone.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Is it unchangeable?

Not necessarily. But it would be her who would need to change and she may not have the desire to do so, at least not in the foreseeable future. So I am suggesting that you look at the person she is NOW and decide whether that is acceptable to you. If not, do not COUNT on her changing.

I mean a relationship where only one is showing affection (gestures or words) cannot last.

Actually, many do. It might not be acceptable to you but apparently it is for others. It's really about choice.

 

[Manquark]

She kind of told me she had intimacy issues and she told me that at the very beginning.
If I could speak to her very nicely and understandingly about that, do you think she would close again ? If I tell her that I like her even if she doesn't show anything, that every minute we spent together were among the best minutes of my life and that I would do anything that I can do to just arrange that little thing so that both of us could really enjoye our relation, do you think she will agree and try to talk with me?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

No.

I think you should wait until (or if) she wishes to talk to you about whatever are her issues.

If you truly love someone, that is part of the package: Showing her that you love who she is and respect her right to make her own decisions and choices, instead of trying to force (compel) her to do what YOU want or to be the person you want her to be.

 

[Manquark]

you're right...

thanks maybe you prevented me from doing a mistake here. The last thing I want is to hurt her.

But frankly I don't think she's aware of what I'm feeling. Maybe she thinks that everything's ok now. So it will continue like that forever. until the moment I will want to go away... I know you're going to say that.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

You help someone to build trust in you and trust in herself by demonstrating that you trust her. That's why it's so important to let her find her own way.

 

[Aladdin]

how was her childhood ?it can be part of problem.one of my friend had a girlfriend whos parens was devorce she she act summerler