I need some help

[rex76]

Hi,

I'm Rex and I'm a 32 year old male. I have low self-esteem issues about my appearance and I need to know how to deal with it.

I just feel like people don't like me for the way that I look. I've often posted picture of other, more attractive people on websites to get people to like me. I don't know why I do these things. It always ends up hurting me more than helping me.

 

[Retired]

Rex,

Too often the media and the advertising agencies influence our perception of good looks with the artifical people that are used in commercials, ads and on national TV.

Reality is that these people are not the norm and most of us have bumps and wrinkles because that's how human beings usually look.

Is there a particular reason you feel uncomfortable with your appearance or do you feel it might be your own perception?

 

[rex76]

Rex,

Too often the media and the advertising agencies influence our perception of good looks with the artifical people that are used in commercials, ads and on national TV.

Reality is that these people are not the norm and most of us have bumps and wrinkles because that's how human beings usually look.

Is there a particular reason you feel uncomfortable with your appearance or do you feel it might be your own perception?

Well, I seem to get better interest from people when I use a fake picture. I realize that superficiality. These people are only interested in me because my fake picture looks good. Reality is real beauty come from the inside and I need to realize that and accept it.

Also, I was in a 5 year relationship. We broke up in January. I was told that I wasn't good enough and that is the reason I was being cheated on. I stopped caring about myself after that. However, I've met some good people on another board that have indirectly helped me start coming out of the fark place I was in. I thought I was doing fine then the other day, I cracked and changed my avator pic to somebody else.

 

[Meggylou]

First realize that it was NOT you who wasn't good enough in the relationship. The person cheating on you obviously had problems and made poor choices.
It is true that society likes to value the better looking, I know, there have been many psych journal articles written about it. It is a sad fact. What is true also though is that when you get to know someone it doesn't matter what they look like. Everyone has their own unique beauty. One of my best friends who would be far from considered beautiful by the mainstream is one of the most incredibly beautiful and giving people I know. She radiates a beauty that you don't get superficially.

Self-esteem is definitely something that is devalued and destroyed nowadays. What you have to do is when you feel yourself thinking these thoughts, tell yourself NO, I am a beautiful person inside and out. Honestly, it will feel silly at first and you might not even be able to do it. I know I am working at it. BUT it is helping me and it will help you too. You have to realize that you have people in your life, friends and family I'm sure who love you for who you are, your appearance has nothing to do with that. You as a person does. I'd rather be friends and date someone who didn't look like a model (in fact my hubby is normal guy next door by most standards but to me hes beautiful in myriad ways) because they just tend to be less self absorbed and REAL. You gotta love someone who is true to who they are. Work on it. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! You are WORTH IT!!!!! :cheerleader:

 

[rex76]

First realize that it was NOT you who wasn't good enough in the relationship. The person cheating on you obviously had problems and made poor choices.
It is true that society likes to value the better looking, I know, there have been many psych journal articles written about it. It is a sad fact. What is true also though is that when you get to know someone it doesn't matter what they look like. Everyone has their own unique beauty. One of my best friends who would be far from considered beautiful by the mainstream is one of the most incredibly beautiful and giving people I know. She radiates a beauty that you don't get superficially.
Self-esteem is definitely something that is devalued and destroyed nowadays. What you have to do is when you feel yourself thinking these thoughts, tell yourself NO, I am a beautiful person inside and out. Honestly, it will feel silly at first and you might not even be able to do it. I know I am working at it. BUT it is helping me and it will help you too. You have to realize that you have people in your life, friends and family I'm sure who love you for who you are, your appearance has nothing to do with that. You as a person does. I'd rather be friends and date someone who didn't look like a model (in fact my hubby is normal guy next door by most standards but to me hes beautiful in myriad ways) because they just tend to be less self absorbed and REAL. You gotta love someone who is true to who they are. Work on it. YOU CAN DO IT!!!! You are WORTH IT!!!!! :cheerleader:

Thank you, Meggylou. That is good advice. I will try that next time. You are right, real beauty comes from within. I've always known that its just hard to understand that. I know that real beauty is on the inside but I still get envious of better looking, better built, taller men. I am fit and lean but just wish I was tall, better looking and bigger and I know can't be and that frustrates me.

 

[rex76]

Thank you, Meggylou. That is good advice. I will try that next time. You are right, real beauty comes from within. I've always known that its just hard to understand that. I know that real beauty is on the inside but I still get envious of better looking, better built, taller men. I am fit and lean but just wish I was tall, better looking and bigger and I know can't be and that frustrates me.

So what should I do to start getting over this?

 

[Into The Light]

i suspect you are basing your self-esteem on your appearance. maybe it would be helpful to try and focus on your qualities as a person, focus on things about yourself that you really like and things that you are good at.

the thing is we all have things about ourselves that we wish were different that we can't change and in the end really we need to accept that somehow.

i think somehow you need to learn to change your thinking.

can you list things about yourself that you appreciate?

 

[Meggylou]

well as the above poster said, you need to start thinking of things that you LIKE about yourself. I know that parts of me I really dislike, but things I like are my eyes, my shoulders, my hands, my laugh etc. The stuff I don't like I work on, I'm a little chubby due to meds, so I speed walk and am taking up jogging and racket sports. I'm tall, but I've learned to embrace that and I wear heals and try to show off my legs...it was a hard learning curve because women are usually thought to be shorter and more petite. It's taken a while but it was worth it.
Thats how I got through my self-esteem, I'm still working on it. It's a life long process which is okay with me, as our bodies are constantly changing. And with that you can ALWAYS find MORE things to like

 

[rex76]

i suspect you are basing your self-esteem on your appearance. maybe it would be helpful to try and focus on your qualities as a person, focus on things about yourself that you really like and things that you are good at.

the thing is we all have things about ourselves that we wish were different that we can't change and in the end really we need to accept that somehow.

i think somehow you need to learn to change your thinking.

can you list things about yourself that you appreciate?

I understand what you are saying and I realize beauty comes from within. However, it's one thing to know that and another thing to understand that. Maybe I don't like my appearance because sometimes I judge others by their appearance. I know I shouldn't but I do. I think I need to stop judging others on their appearance and perhaps that will, in turn, stop me from judging myself on my appearance?

Things about me that I appreciate is that I am kind, generous, caring, passionate, loyal. I am somewhat content with my body. I appreciate my sense of style and music.

well as the above poster said, you need to start thinking of things that you LIKE about yourself. I know that parts of me I really dislike, but things I like are my eyes, my shoulders, my hands, my laugh etc. The stuff I don't like I work on, I'm a little chubby due to meds, so I speed walk and am taking up jogging and racket sports. I'm tall, but I've learned to embrace that and I wear heals and try to show off my legs...it was a hard learning curve because women are usually thought to be shorter and more petite. It's taken a while but it was worth it.
Thats how I got through my self-esteem, I'm still working on it. It's a life long process which is okay with me, as our bodies are constantly changing. And with that you can ALWAYS find MORE things to like

Yes. I know I need to focus on the things that I do like about myself and I can, certainly, do that. How do I stop from being envious when I see better looking, better built men?