I'm sorry to post this

[Deenie]

but i really want to die. I hate living, i have nothing left to live for. i want to be a fighter pilot but i have no chance of getting into the air corps cos there are too many people much better than me who want to get in and i just want to fly but i could self sponsor myself through flying training by getting loans from the bank and then go into debts, **** up my career and be put on every black list there is.

basically i don't want to live anymore but i just have no energy left at all whatsoever and i really want to die. i just can't be bothered committing suicide. it takes too much effort and I'd probably just screw that up.

sorry for wasting your time.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

There are always good reasons for not committing suicide and virtually no good reasons for doing it.

Frankly, I'm glad you don't have the energy to kill yourself today. that gives you at least one more day to consider it.

If you believe that you have nothing to live for because you think you can't make it as a fighter pilot, I would suggest that you need to look at a slightly bigger picture. First, your conclusion that you won't be accepted is based on distorted and pessimistic thinking -- how do you know that's true? Second, I'd guess that there are many other equally intyeresting and rewarding things that you could do in your life, probably some you haven't even thought of yet. Give yourself a bit of time to discover those before you give up.

 

[Deenie]

thanks for replying. it means a lot.... but is there anyway i can make this feeling go away? I cant remember being happy at all int he last few months.. i do lots of things that make me less sad for a while but it never lasts. what can i do to make it go away?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Are you seeing a therapist? Are you currently taking an antidepressant? Either or both of those will help.

I'm on my way out for a while. I'll check back later. But please remember that there are several people in this forum who have felt as you do at one time or another - the fact that they have made it through means that you can too.

 

[Deenie]

i'm not going to a therapist cos i cant afford one and i cant tell my parents how i feel because i'm supposed to be their perfect daughter and my doctor did try to give me anti depressants but that has 2 problems 1. it would mean my mother finding out how i feel and 2 i heard they have nasty side effects if you're not depressed or even if you are depressed.

i'm really sorry.. i should probably just go


sorry

 

[Banned]

Hi Deenie,

Antidepressants don't have to have nasty side effects. There are many, many different kinds out there now and when you find the one that works for you, the difference is night and day. Normally your parents would not have to find out, depending on your age. Are you able to look into this as an option?

I'm not sure how things work in Ireland, but is it possible that there might be free counselling available through a university, crisis centre, or your family doctor? Even if it just gets you through today, that's all you need. Just stay in the moment.

Take care,

 

[Daniel E.]

Though some parents are initially less understanding than others, in the long run it's usually good if the parents become aware that their child has depression.

Anyway, the newer antidepressants like Lexapro are very well tolerated with a very low incidence of side effects.

The importance of talking to a therapist cannot be overstated. You need someone to help you overcome the thought patterns that are almost always present in suicidal and depressed thinking like all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, etc. Also, its usually a relief to talk to someone like a therapist or school counselor after dealing with your depression all on your own.

Personally, when I started having depression at 17, I remember wanting to know how things would turn out 5-10 years down the road to see if everything would turn out OK. Sometimes I'm still surprised how well things did turn out.

 

[Eunoia]

hey Deenie! I think that a lot of people can relate not about how you're feeling but also about wanting to reach once partiular goal and feeling like you're not able to do so. One thing I tell myself is that someone has to get in, right? ie. into the air corps to become a fighter pilot. how do you know that's not you? if you give up now one way or the other, then yes, your chances will be 0% but if you try your very best and do whatever it is you need to do (ie. making connections, finding out about what their expectations are, what the requirements are etc...) then your chances aren't so bad after all. Also, maybe this is a great goal to have but as David said there are many other options within this area or along those lines.... you'd be surprised how much things can change with time, and you never know which opportunity might present itself to you tomorrow or in a year etc. The people that do reach these kind of goals don't necessarily have it all "easy" for them either, yes, some may have been the "perfect" candidate, but believe me, there are ways to reach your goals without being perfect. It's not an all or none situation but this kind of thinking is.

would you rather quit now or take the chance and tell your parents about how you're feeling so that you can at least SEE what's out there and take the help that you can get if you let yourself. I doubt that any parent would say no to therapy or meds for their child if these were their options... if you're striving to be their perfect daughter, hun, this is something that you can't attain no matter how hard you try, but you CAN reach YOUR own goals if you go after them realistically. talking to a therapist would definitely help and there are places where counselling is offered for no fee or lower fees.... definitely options to look into if need be. And as everyone else has said, anti-depressants are not bound to have "nasty" side effects.... but again, if one say makes you more tired, isn't that worth it if you would be able to feel happier and follow your dreams and just want to life to see what life holds in store for you???

 

[healthbound]

Hey Deenie,

My sister committed suicide and I wanted to kill myself after she died (12 years ago) and then wanted to do it again last year.

I honestly believed that my life was completely horrible and I honestly believed that I could never feel good ever again.

After going through planning my death twice, I am in a completely different state of mind now. In fact, it's difficult to imagine myself feeling so horrible just 1 year ago.

A small part of me wanted to live and that's the part of me that e-mailed an anonymous suicide prevention organization - much like you are posting here now. I was surprised that I got a caring/supportive response and held onto that by exchanging e-mails with that organization for a while. I finally told my doctor who immediately referred me to a therapist, increased my antidepressants. It's bizarre, but at the time I was reluctant to even call the therapist or take the medication. I remember feeling like I wasn't worth "it" and that people wouldn't really care about me and my problems anyway.

Luckily for me (and my son), my doctor and my therapist did care. Just like the people here care. I don't know you, but I care...first because I know how horrible it feels to be in that place and second because I know how horrible it feels to lose someone to suicide.

Suicide is permanent. If you really want, you can always revert back to it after you try a few more "non-permanent" options like medication and therapy.

Besides, maybe your parents would rather have an imperfect daughter instead of a non existent one??

 

[ThatLady]

You haven't said how old you are, Deenie; however, let me tell you something about parents. I am one myself, as are several others here. My daughter is bipolar. When we discovered this, it was actually a relief to me, and to her. We finally had a reason for the problems she was having...problems that needed solving. As her mother, I didn't want the perfect daughter, I wanted MY daughter...whoever she was! I wanted her healthy, and happy, and moving forward with her life. Those were the things that were important to me, as her mother.

I have a feeling your mother feels just as I do. She loves you, darlin'. She's your mum! Give her a chance to help you and don't prejudge what she's looking for in you. Reach out to her with honesty about what you're feeling. That's what love is about. It's about being able to give something of yourself, and being able to help the child you dearly love to realize his/her full potential.

 

[Deenie]

Thanks for all the responses. It's really nice to know that somebody gives even a teenchy bit of care if i live or die.

I'm 17 at the moment. All the responses have been really helpful thanks.There's just one problem... If i do get help it rules out a career as a pilot because they don't want people that aren't mentally perfect. I guess my parents would perfer to have me as who i am rahter than someone else or just not there... I just don't think I'd be able to cope with people knowing there is anything wrong with me... They'd all be staring and my parents would probably talk about it with their friends and I don't think i could face that.

Really thank you to everyone here. Reading your responses really helps. Thank you so much.


PS... a national newspaper even did a whole article on how difficult it was for young people to get any sort of help here becausethere aren't enough qualified professionals and agencies.

 

[Eunoia]

re: the newspaper article, yes there's always the bad about a situation and there is a lack of resources (espec. for some people) but it's not a black and white situation... there are plenty of ways to get help in one way or another, and no situation is ever completely hopeless until you've explored all of those options. I see it as a right that you have by virtue of being a human being, it's not about "deserving" to get help, it's about taking what's your right.

where does it say that you can't be a pilot if you have some kind of mental ilness or problem? do you have to tell them? maybe it just comes down to how well someone can manage their disorder and symptoms and what kind of meds they are on, if they are on any... I would check more into this. I'm going into Psychology and yes, there is some kind of stigma about having to be "okay" but when you do a little bit of research you soon find out that therapists aren't perfect either...no one is, so unless they can provide you w/ a good enough reason I don't see how this would hinder you. In fact, isn't it discrimination to tell someone they can't have a certain job or career because they have a mental illness??

no one would be staring. The people that stare or make mean comments are those that don't understand, you should be pitying them, not they pitying you. We all have problems one way or another, what makes it more okay for someone to go to a doctor for a physical ailment than someone reaching out to a mental health professional about a problem? There is nothing wrong w/ you as a person, you don't change b/c of any of this, depression etc. don't define people.... if your parents choose to tell their friends it may be to gain some insight or for support, but I doubt they'd "gossip" about it to other people.. and in a way, if you don't tell anyone they might think you're "perfect" but at what price??? You're thinking about suicide, isn't that kind of a high price to pay for having others think we're perfect??? Going into therapy would help you a lot to be able to deal w/ people's reactions, and you never know, they may react in positive ways after all and at least you'd be able to be honest and have one less burden of pretending.

 

[ThatLady]

I think one of the first things you have to realize is that there isn't anything 'wrong with you'. You're a person. You've got warts, just like the rest of us. Nobody, anywhere, is perfect.

Secondly, I don't know about Ireland; however, I do know a few pilots here in the US. They're not perfect, hon. One of them, I know, has been treated for depression. This was before he became a pilot. You may be unnecessarily concerned about this aspect of your future.

I really believe the best thing you can do is to go to your parents and make a clean breast of it. Tell them how you're feeling and that you need help. Also, tell them that it's important to you that this be kept between you and them. I'm sure they'll understand and accomodate your wishes.

Best of luck to you, Deenie.

 

[Allegro]

Please think twice and again...

...then think one more time, before you consider suicide as the only option. Suicide is pulling out all of your choices and throwing them in the toilet. It is murdering your parent's daughter. It is slaughtering all of your chances for a fulfilling and happy future. All options are gone. You leave behind a vacuum of remorse, guilt, anguish and pain that can't ever be assuaged. Think of all of the pain you are experiencing now and imagine handing that to your parents, your grandparents, cousins, friends, etc. How about the example you leave behind for others who know you? One person who posted above talks about how her sister's suicide made her want to also commit suicide. Is that the kind of legacy you want left behind?

I think you are a lot smarter and more caring than you think. The fact that you were willing to reach out to a collection of strangers around the globe shows that you still have even a tiny part of yourself that wishes to live. Please don't deny that part. Yes, therapy is expensive, but wouldn't your parent's far rather pay for your therapy and medicines instead of the funeral costs of losing you forever?

Lastly, I want to tell you that long ago and far away I used to be ashamed of having mental illness. Whenever someone found out I just held my breath and waited for the scorn and ridicule. You know what? It rarely came! In fact, my mental illness became my Jerk Filter! Anytime I run into some ignorant and prejudiced idiot who finds out about my illness, their stupid reactions just give me the clues that they are a Jerk and not worth my time or energy. Everyone else, however, either shares their own experiences with mental illness, relates the experiences of people they were close to, or they would comment on how surprised they are because I was not at all what they would have expected, and how impressed they were with how intellegent and easy to get along with I am. They would then ask questions about my illness and I was given a golden opportunity to educate someone. That is a gift I can only do while I am alive. It is my personal mission to educate as many people as possible about mental illness. I think it is why I was placed on this planet to begin with.

Girl, please reach out. Write to us. Tell us your fears, your dreams, your wishes, all of it. If you feel that actually talking to your parents is impossible, write a letter to them and ask them to read it. Call your family doctor and tell him/her what you are feeling. Make it your focus to find someone who will listen and care. Put all of the little bit of energy you still have towards that goal. Think of it as an early Christmas/Chanukah/Whatever gift for the you of five years from now. If you run into any brick walls, come back to this site and reach out again. Someone will be here for you. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it!

 

[healthbound]

Hey Deenie,

Just thought I'd let you know that I also had an extremely difficult time accepting that I might have some sort of mental illness. I was horrified at the possibility of even being diagnosed with depression. I could accept that I was depressed after my sister died because I figured that was normal, but when I became suicidal again 12 years later, I was very confused, concerned, embarrassed and scared.

I also found it difficult to even think about the fact that I might need help. I mean, I was the sister who DIDN'T take her life. I had earned respect from some of the City's most respected. I was the one who went back to get my degree and made the Dean's List every semester. I was the excellent mom, the girl who excelled in business at an incredibly fast rate, the one who worked for the best companies in the City, the one who raised her son right, the funny one, the logical one, the objective one, the sane one. Heck...even my own Doctor had respect for me and constantly told me how amazed he was about how well I was doing.

But secretly, I wanted to end my life.

I didn't want anyone to know, I didn't want to lose anyone's respect and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want people to be shockingly talking about me behind my back either.

But part of me also didn't want to be dead. And thank God for that part of me. And thank God for the World Wide Web, Google and forums like this one.

I learned that I was not alone and not completely koo-koo either. My brain's neurotransmitters simply had some problems communicating effectively and I had some things in my past that I needed to revisit. PLUS, I found out how many other people had some sort of "mental illness". Like, famous people and extremely intelligent people. In fact, I learned that some of the people I admired the most had some sort of variation of mental illness. Some of the worlds greatest artists suffered from severe depression. Many of the world most noted inventers suffered from depression. Actors, actresses, brainiaks, creatives, inventors, singers, dancers, mathematicians, writers, athletes, scientists, entrepreneurs...etc etc etc.

I bet if you thought about some of your favorite bands/singers, artists, writers or athletes you would find that a great majority of them have experienced some depression too.

THE GOOD NEWS???
I found out that I can STILL be an excellent mom, business person, artist and friend EVEN though I had some depression. Just like thousands of others.

You can still be the friend, daughter, student AND fighter pilot that you want to be, Deenie. But ya can’t be any of them if you’re not here.

Anyway, I don’t know if any of this helps or not. I just know what it feels like to not want to live anymore. And I also know what it feels like to get help and then not want to kill myself anymore.

It feels pretty good

 

[London]

Generally speaking suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Don't do it.

Also you should be thinking self empowering thoughts not self destructive thoughts, its a self fulfilling prophesy.

Life is like a game of chess, just keep trying to make the best move and only make significant decisions when you are in a positive mindset.

 

[Hummingbird]

but i really want to die. I hate living, i have nothing left to live for. i want to be a fighter pilot but i have no chance of getting into the air corps cos there are too many people much better than me who want to get in and i just want to fly but i could self sponsor myself through flying training by getting loans from the bank and then go into debts, **** up my career and be put on every black list there is.

basically i don't want to live anymore but i just have no energy left at all whatsoever and i really want to die. i just can't be bothered committing suicide. it takes too much effort and I'd probably just screw that up.

sorry for wasting your time.

Hi Deenie: I want you to know that I have been there and back . I want you to understand that out of adversity comes opportunity. If you want to be a fighter pilot you will find a way to do this. I'm glad you shared your feelings with this forum as this is the first great sign of a new tomorrow when you reach out to people and say you need help.

Don't do what you have thought about as you can get beyond this and you will. Life is about finding your own way and you will if you give yourself the time. Best of luck , Hummingbird.

 

[Fiver]

Whoa, zombie thread! Deenie hasn't logged into this forum since December 29th, 2005. Unfortunately (especially for a thread like this one,) transient posters can leave many unsettling questions for those who were aware of his or her pain. Hopefully the last 3-1/2 years have been good to Deenie and things are going well.

I guess it's just the nature of a forum like this one, where people looking for immediate help or information stumble in and post a question or ask for support similar to the OP of this thread. They either get what they came for (yay!) or they get worse, losing interest in this forum as the dark cloud of psych illness makes life even murkier. I noticed this trend the first day I came here (I hungrily read the archives for a ridiculous amount of hours gaining insight into all kinds of things; my ignorance of many mental health facts has been lifted.) Many people posted pleas for help that were so close to my own pain; they were answered and supported in the thread they started, and then the OP just sort of...disappeared. But that happens on a board like this. I accepted it pretty readily.

And then we have the regular gang of suspects who are here every day. I find myself coming back every day not only to see what new and interesting tidbits David et.al. have "submitted for [our] approval" [/Rod Serling voice], but because it's a comfort to me to see familiar faces I've come to genuinely respect and like in just a short time.

You guys rock.

 

[Retired]

Whoa, zombie thread! Deenie hasn't logged into this forum since December 29th, 2005.

The fact that a thread began long ago, and newer members choose to reactivate the discussion is unimportant. Discussions deal with issues, and those issues are timeless, and may be of interest to current members.

Any input or commentary on any ongoing discussion from members is always welcome.

 

[Fiver]

I wasn't being critical. In general I oppose the locking of zombie threads for the very reason you mentioned -- the issues can be quite relevant even years later. My comments were more directed at how it can be unsettling when you see someone posting in pain, and have no follow-up. But this is also often the case in life off-line. Life can sometimes be unsettling, and not every question gets answered.

My post was simply an observation on one of the aspects of message boards. I meant no disrespect and I apologize sincerely if any was taken.