braveheart
Member
This afternoon a wave of depression hit me, and is still flooding through me.
1) One of my flatmate's brother and family will be coming around tomorrow morning. I just... want to hide. I will hide in my room. But. I have to walk through the lounge to get to the toilet. And with my anxiety I need to use the toilet a lot. It's always been a problem, ever since I was about 6. And with no therapy tomorrow there'll be lots of feelings needing an outlet somewhere. Historically meaning lots of trips to the loo. And it's embarressing to have people aware of my bladder problem.
2) PMDD is setting in. Predictably right after ovulation. Grief at my perpetual and eternal probably single and childless status. The usual.
Hopefully creative surges will click in as usual in a day or so.....
3) I was busy all morning online and have had to do a lot of [emotional] Support work single handed online, noone else seems to be helping. I don't mind doing it, and I am good at it, but I have limits to my energy.
At least I have tomorrow afternoon's 2 hours at work to look forward to. They'll just be 3 of us. And we're bringing festive food.
And then next Sunday a friend is coming for lunch, and the Wednesday after my parents are coming for lunch.
I suppose it's just hit me how alone I am and feel. And that there's 2 weeks until I see my therapist again. And nearly 2 weeks until I see my GP.
I just feel so alone.
This afternoon my flatmates' son was crying and they refused to comfort him, and that hurts. I kept thinking how I would soothe and comfort him, how I would reach him in the state he was in and not yell at him. A child when they're crying often need tender touch, and not refusal to touch them until they stop crying. But I am powerless. I'm not his mother.
And I want to be loved and held.
There are so many tears there that I daren't shed. I hold them in. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten how to cry.
1) One of my flatmate's brother and family will be coming around tomorrow morning. I just... want to hide. I will hide in my room. But. I have to walk through the lounge to get to the toilet. And with my anxiety I need to use the toilet a lot. It's always been a problem, ever since I was about 6. And with no therapy tomorrow there'll be lots of feelings needing an outlet somewhere. Historically meaning lots of trips to the loo. And it's embarressing to have people aware of my bladder problem.
2) PMDD is setting in. Predictably right after ovulation. Grief at my perpetual and eternal probably single and childless status. The usual.
Hopefully creative surges will click in as usual in a day or so.....
3) I was busy all morning online and have had to do a lot of [emotional] Support work single handed online, noone else seems to be helping. I don't mind doing it, and I am good at it, but I have limits to my energy.
At least I have tomorrow afternoon's 2 hours at work to look forward to. They'll just be 3 of us. And we're bringing festive food.
And then next Sunday a friend is coming for lunch, and the Wednesday after my parents are coming for lunch.
I suppose it's just hit me how alone I am and feel. And that there's 2 weeks until I see my therapist again. And nearly 2 weeks until I see my GP.
I just feel so alone.
This afternoon my flatmates' son was crying and they refused to comfort him, and that hurts. I kept thinking how I would soothe and comfort him, how I would reach him in the state he was in and not yell at him. A child when they're crying often need tender touch, and not refusal to touch them until they stop crying. But I am powerless. I'm not his mother.
And I want to be loved and held.
There are so many tears there that I daren't shed. I hold them in. Sometimes I feel like I've forgotten how to cry.