I'm Tired

[Domo]

I'm really running out of energy. I saw my psychologist this morning which normally cheers me up a bit but it kind of just made me more upset. I could see in her eyes how worried she was about me. I was even tearing up and i generally try to keep it all in. I just couldn't do it today. She suggested i go to the emergency department or my GP. I can't do either.

So here i am at work, not actually working. I just figure i am at least safe here.

Normally my family is enough to stop me from doing anything but it's starting to not hold much weight.

I just feel completely powerless and worthless.

I have no idea how i am going to handle this med change too. Half dose for the next 3 days and then nothing for 3 days. I was bearly coping with meds and now to go to none.

I don't really know what i was hoping to achieve by this. I suppose to just get it out of my head.

 

[Banned]

Hi Domo,

I'm sorry you're struggling...sometimes it helps just to vent, and know that someone else understands.

Is there something specific that brought this on? The med change perhaps? (Or maybe it's too soon...not sure). Are you able to get extra appointments with your therapist as needed?

I'm glad you're staying at work - it's really important to keep yourself safe right now. Please do not hesitate to go to an emergency room or your doctor if need be, or to call a crisis line.

I wish I could say more, but I'm not sure what else to say. I understand where you're coming from, and the feelings that you feel. I do know how hopeless things can seem.

Does your therapist do CBT with you? Are you able to challenge/reconstruct your thoughts at all?

(I won't be on much tonight, unfortunately, as I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven't even cracked a book on. But, please don't hesitate to vent here, or call on whatever resources you need to cope. I'll check in as I'm able.)

 

[Domo]

Nothing exactly specific. Kind of just everything and nothing. Just sick of having to wake up every day. This life is nothing but a chore.

Don't think it's the med change, took my half dose last night. Can't imagine it would make any difference this quickly. And if it is i am screwed because if i get any worse then things might get messy.

No we don't do CBT. We just talk. I don't want to challenge my thoughts. I'll be glad the day i have enough courage to end it all.

Thanks Turtle. Good luck with the study.

 

[Daniel E.]

I don't want to challenge my thoughts.

Maybe that's a good place to start challenging such thoughts. You probably already challenge your negative thoughts in some ways. And you wouldn't go to therapy if you thought things were hopeless.

It may help if you create some kind of log of these negative thoughts for your next session.

This life is nothing but a chore.

That's a good example of all-or-nothing thinking and other cognitive distortions. For example, it's harder to remember positive events when depressed and a whole lot easier to remember the bad times, like previous relapses.

Similarly, a reminder:

What is phishing and how do you use it in your workbook?
Phishing is a term we use to describe the trickier activities of the reactive mind. Like phishing scams on the internet, mental phishing involves being tricked into attaching to highly provocative mental content (like the thought, “I will never be happy in life”) and treating it as real. When a person is phished, they act on the basis of this imaginary reality, even though the actual event that happened is that the person had a thought called, “I will never be happy in life.” Seen as a thought, and just a thought, there is no trick played. Part of learning to be mindful and to detach from mental processes is the ability to recognize negative content that is likely to be form of phishing from the reactive mind, the world's most accomplished phisher!

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/depression/20499-mindfulness-and-acceptance-for-depression.html

BTW: 7 Kinds of Hope

 

[Domo]

Thanks Daniel, you are the King of Articles

And you wouldn't go to therapy if you thought things were hopeless.

That's true. I am just in one of my moods. It doesn't seem to really be doing much good anyway judging by the way i am.

 

[SoSo]

Domo, understand and can relate, been there, felt like that. I am an old great granny now so obviously the 'staying' was more strong a pull than the 'leaving' although I did try. Even to this day, I still wonder why I bother. Then, I hear my wee great grandson's laughter, see his silly antics or talk to my son and I know why I am glad of the fact I stayed even though it is hard sometimes. I am trying harder not to think of the going and I do have to try as some days it seems like an endless struggle filled with the physical pain I live in 24-7. But, stay I will because I don't want to miss the laughter or my son or the stars or any of what is there that makes my heart smile. I hope you will find something to make your heart smile and make it easier. I did read a book and watch the movie on it also that really for some reason helped me know I wanted to stay called What Dreams May Come. Wish I knew something to say to make it all better but know I care and send you big ole' granny hugs.
:support:SoSo

 

[Domo]

Thanks SoSo. I'm glad you have your son and grandson.

I'll look into What Dreams May come.

Thank you for the hug too. I really could use one.

 

[Daniel E.]

She suggested i go to the emergency department or my GP. I can't do either.

In addition to that, some people will see their therapist twice a week when having a lot of suicidal thoughts. Psychologists/therapists tend to get a lot of cancellations, so you may be able to see the psychologist again on Thursday or Friday.

And, as you know, there are also suicide hotlines.

 

[Daniel E.]

Regarding books:

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me - Google Books

 

[Domo]

In addition to that, some people will see their therapist twice a week when having a lot of suicidal thoughts. Psychologists/therapists tend to get a lot of cancellations, so you may be able to see the psychologist again on Thursday or Friday.

And, as you know, there are also suicide hotlines.

It is Thursday here

Unfortunately she doesn't have many cancellations. Also i've only got a few sessions left before my mental health plan runs out and then i am not sure what i am going to do. If i was desperate she would talk to me on the phone but i don't really like phones.

 

[Daniel E.]

Also i've only got a few sessions left before my mental health plan runs out and then i am not sure what i am going to do.

They may be able to get an extension. I was always able to get an extension when my therapist contacted the insurance company. And when I didn't have insurance, my parents paid for my therapy.

Your psychologist may also be able to provide a discount (sliding scale rate based on your income) or even pro-bono work.

 

[Murray]

Hi Domo,
I am so sorry that you are struggling so. There are times with depression that it seems like things will never be any better, that all you can see in the future is more suffering and you can feel like giving up. But, things aren't always like that. You have a family that loves you, Cheddar to visit with, new leather boots to wear, and lots of other things. Please don't think that I am minimizing your pain at all. I definitely understand the agony. For those times when I can't ever imagine an end to the darkness and despair I try to remember that there are some things that are good and I won't always feel this way. Keeping my journal is very helpful for this. On those days when I feel okay, I record the positive things; a compliment, a task accomplished, a beautiful day, fun with a friend. I find that I have to record these things because I can never recall any of these things when I need them the most. So I have to go back through my journals to remind myself that there are some positives.

In my life, I have been very lucky. My mom tried to kill herself when I was 17 and it was horrible. Thank god she survived. She was in a lot of pain and she struggled for years and years. It took time but she is so much better now. She has a very fulfilling life; a good marriage, children that she loves, a lovely home and I am so grateful that she survived her attempt. If she would have died, she would have missed out on so much. At the time when she made the attempt, she couldn't imagine a future when she would ever be happier, but things change.

I don't know if my saying that makes things worse, sorry. I just want you to know that even though life feels like a chore right now, you probably won't always feel this way. Please take care of yourself and don't give up. Many hugs from me too.

 

[Domo]

They may be able to get an extension. I was always able to get an extension when my therapist contacted the insurance company. And when I didn't have insurance, my parents paid for my therapy.

Your psychologist may also be able to provide a discount (sliding scale rate based on your income) or even pro-bono work.

This is through medicare and they only give you 12 sessions a year.

I don't have health insurance, only hospital cover that my parents pay for. I looked into getting insurance so i could get some assistance with this stuff but it was pathetic. The amount you get back didn't even come close to the $100 monthly fee i would have to pay to get it. Plus i have a job so i can't get any concessions etc.

Mum said she'd pay for half but that's still $100 a week. I am meant to move out of home this year and when i do i won't have a spare $100 each week. I can't really handle extending the sessions t each week either. I struggle with only one session as it is.

I suppose i will have to discuss my options with her next appointment.

 

[Daniel E.]

Normally my family is enough to stop me from doing anything but it's starting to not hold much weight.

Still, it may help to call them (again) for emotional support, at least this evening after you come home from work.

Mum said she'd pay for half but that's still $100 a week.

Yeah, even adjusting the currency, anything over $150 USD is a lot to pay for a one-hour session, though that is not uncommon at all. There are cheaper options. I was able to get therapy for only $80 USD per one-hour session by going to a community clinic, and some university clinics charge the public only around $40 USD.

 

[Domo]

Hi Domo,
I am so sorry that you are struggling so. There are times with depression that it seems like things will never be any better, that all you can see in the future is more suffering and you can feel like giving up. But, things aren't always like that. You have a family that loves you, Cheddar to visit with, new leather boots to wear, and lots of other things. Please don't think that I am minimizing your pain at all. I definitely understand the agony. For those times when I can't ever imagine an end to the darkness and despair I try to remember that there are some things that are good and I won't always feel this way. Keeping my journal is very helpful for this. On those days when I feel okay, I record the positive things; a compliment, a task accomplished, a beautiful day, fun with a friend. I find that I have to record these things because I can never recall any of these things when I need them the most. So I have to go back through my journals to remind myself that there are some positives.

In my life, I have been very lucky. My mom tried to kill herself when I was 17 and it was horrible. Thank god she survived. She was in a lot of pain and she struggled for years and years. It took time but she is so much better now. She has a very fulfilling life; a good marriage, children that she loves, a lovely home and I am so grateful that she survived her attempt. If she would have died, she would have missed out on so much. At the time when she made the attempt, she couldn't imagine a future when she would ever be happier, but things change.

I don't know if my saying that makes things worse, sorry. I just want you to know that even though life feels like a chore right now, you probably won't always feel this way. Please take care of yourself and don't give up. Many hugs from me too.

Those good times are so fleeting though. I just feel bitter that i get a taste of something good and it's taken away again. I'll probably have to be on medication for most of my life and things are always going to be hard for me.

I'm happy for you that your mum pulled through. The hope of something good happening isn't really enough to want me to stick around.

You didn't make anything worse either. I appreciate your reply and the hugs too.

I am just tired of this chronic broken heart.

 

[Daniel E.]

and things are always going to be hard for me.

No, they won't. Again, you are projecting your current mood into the future while also having another, very human memory bias of being able to easily recall negative experiences. Depression makes these pre-existing memory biases a lot worse.

Also, even in people without depression:

We are terrible at predicting our future feelings accurately, especially if our predictions are based on our past experiences. The past exists in our memory, after all, and memory is not a reliable recording device: We recall beginnings and endings far more intensely than those long "middles," whether they're eventful or not. So the horrible beginning of your vacation will lead you astray in deciding the best place to go next year.

http://forum.psychlinks.ca/positive-psychology/15360-the-pursuit-of-happiness.html

 

[Domo]

Still, it may help to call them (again) for emotional support, at least this evening after you come home from work.

Yeah, even adjusting the currency, anything over $150 USD is a lot to pay for a one-hour session, though that is not uncommon at all. There are cheaper options. I was able to get therapy for only $80 USD per one-hour session by going to a community clinic, and some university clinics charge the public only around $40 USD.

I still live at home so they are around. I'm not very close to them though. I could never tell them how i am really feeling. I mean they see that i am depressed but i could never tell them i thought i would hurt myself (hence why i can't go to hospital). The only reason i meant that they keep me alive is it would destroy them if i died. I don't want to be responsible for causing that kind of pain.

I've thought about seeing someone cheaper but i've been with her on and off since 2006 and i would hate to rebuild that kind of relationship. I might not have a choice though.

Hopefully we can work soemthing out.

---------- Post added at 10:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:19 PM ----------

Thank you for all the replies by the way.

 

[Jackie]

Just sending you some hugs and letting you know I am thinking of you, in a rush today but didnt want to totally ignore your posts! ((Hugs))

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey Domo i can so relate to what you posted the extreme fatigue the days of constant just surviving. I think what will help is remembering the days that were good the days with your brothers puppy and spending time with your twin. The happy days remind us there will be times like this again. You are going through some medication changes so understandable your moods will be all over Be patient okay although i know it is hard things will get better. I need to follow my own advice here and remember the good days because there will be more of those and it is those memories we have to keep because they will give us the strength to hold on a little longer. Your twin your family the puppy all good things take care okay

 

[Domo]

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for talking to me yesterday. Feeling a tiny bit better today.

Having this forum to get these thoughts out of my head makes a big difference for me. I stew in my own head a lot (always negative of course) and talking about some things that are on my mind and having someone get me to look at things in another light helps.

So thank you.