I'm Tired

[SoSo]

Hi Domo,
Glad to hear you are feeling a tiny bit better today, every tiny bit helps. I know all about 'stewing in my own head a lot" as even this ole' great grandma still does that, round and round it goes and where it stops, I sure don't know. Sometimes I just amaze or stupefy myself at the things I can stew overmg: Hope something works out with the T or getting some sort of help with the expense etc.
big ole' granny hugs:support:SoSo

 

[Domo]

Sometimes I just amaze or stupefy myself at the things I can stew overmg:

Yes even i amaze myself sometimes too. I start worry about something/someone. And when i don't have answers my head fills in the gaps, but it's always the absoulte worst possible scenario and then i get myself into a mess.

 

[Murray]

Yeah, that sounds so familiar. My therapist tells me that I tend to "catastrophize" as he puts it. I suppose it must go along with the anxiety and depression. Usually, things don't end up being as bad as I imagined it would be.

 

[Domo]

Not allowed to take any meds at all today.

I feel like there is a ghost in my head.

My brain it rattling and won't keep up with my eyes.

I am making myself sick because i can't stop rocking back and forth.

**** you depression :2thumbs:

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Nothing exactly specific. Kind of just everything and nothing. Just sick of having to wake up every day. This life is nothing but a chore.

Don't think it's the med change, took my half dose last night. Can't imagine it would make any difference this quickly. And if it is i am screwed because if i get any worse then things might get messy.

No we don't do CBT. We just talk. I don't want to challenge my thoughts. I'll be glad the day i have enough courage to end it all.

Thanks Turtle. Good luck with the study.

Not allowed to take any meds at all today.

I feel like there is a ghost in my head.

My brain it rattling and won't keep up with my eyes.

I am making myself sick because i can't stop rocking back and forth.

**** you depression :2thumbs:

What medication are you tapering off, Domo? And what is the plan for a replacement?

 

[Domo]

What medication are you tapering off, Domo? And what is the plan for a replacement?

Coming off Zoloft. Been on a half dose for the last 3 days, now nothing at all for the next 3. Then i start on 75mg of Efexor XR, if tolerating increase to 150mg. Then by that stage i will have another psychiatrist appointment and we will evaluate from there. He said he thinks i will need to get up to about 300mg.

 

[forgetmenot]

Hope your feeling better Domo My daughter had hard time coming off the Zoloft too her head felt like she had zaps going in it. Hang in there okay it will get better take care.

 

[Domo]

I don't really know what to do now. I feel for the most part fine. My body aches and my head is a bit muddy but i think i am fine otherwise.

I told my brother last night that i was switching meds. And that for a few days i would be on nothing at all. He said that was good and maybe i'd feel better not having drugs messing with my brain. Maybe he is right. Maybe i should see how i go being unmedicated.

Maybe there is nothing actually wrong with me and taking pills isn't going to get me any closer to finding out who i am.

I won't make any desicions without talking to anyone. I'm just confused.

 

[Daniel E.]

Are you just talking about temporary withdrawal symptoms?

(On the positive side, those medications you mention don't have dietary restrictions. Over ten years ago, I even tried MAOI inhibitors for depression, and was told if I accidentally ate cheese, I may have to go to the emergency room. Nowadays, MAOI inhibitors don't require dietary restrictions because they are available as a patch.)

 

[Domo]

Yeah i believe they are. Can't see any other reason for it. I've come off anti-depressants twice before but was never really taking them properly in the first place so nothing happened. Not that i remember anyway.

Heh cheese. That would suck.

 

[Banned]

Hey Domo,

I'm not sure what your diagnosis is, but I can speak a bit from my experience in the hopes it might help you.

I was diagnosed at 17 with dysthymia but didn't really do anything with that diagnosis. I went to a quack-psychiatrist for four years and then that was it. When I was around 26 things started falling apart...I was feeling really "off" and started self-injuring. My doctor put me on Wellbutrin and sent me to another quack-psychiatrist, which only lasted three sessions. I stuck with the meds for a year or so. Then, I decided I'd be better off without them (note the use of the word "I"). I went off them and just muddled along...things were kind of ok for a bit, but not really.

Fast forward to when I was about 30. I was really depressed and went back on Wellbutrin. It was ok for a bit and I was pretty compliant but not entirely. I went off it after about a year.

Fast forward to last summer (July). I had been "un-medicated" for about three years, and thought I was ok. Things came to a crashing halt really quickly. I'd been in therapy for three years (no meds) but found myself more and more depressed and then horribly suicidal. I mean, really horribly suicidal. Therapy was ok and helping but it wasn't enough.

I went back on meds last July. Then I went off them at the end of July. Then I went back on them in August. Then I went off them in November. Every time I went off them I thought I was fine, and I was for a week or so. But, I'd also crash really, really, really badly after a couple weeks. Right when I thought everything was great and I've proven to everyone that I didn't need meds.

Every time I crashed I jeopordized my health, my safety, my life, my relationships, my business. I was totally non-compliant even when I was on them, because I didn't feel like I had a choice and I was really angry about taking them.

Then in January (two months ago) I crashed yet again, and hard. And I'm not sure what happened, but I decided I needed to be on them. I think I looked back at my past patterns of behaviour, and saw the difference in my thoughts and behaviours from being on them and being off them. It was pretty clear what I needed to do. I went back on them and things have been so much better.

I'm now "ok" with being on them, but it took alot of pain and damage to get to this point. I don't like it, but I've pretty much accepted it.

So...the point of all this...is if others (therapist, doctor, family, friends) think you need to be on them, you likely do. And if a lower dose wasn't working, it's not likely that "no dose" will work even better. And it sucks. I get that. But your quality of life will be so much better once you accept them and just take them. The road is far too rocky otherwise, and it doesn't make sense not to take them if they can really make a difference for you.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I said "I don't actually think there's anything wrong with me. I think everyone else is wrong." I dont' like using the word "wrong", because it seems so injust. Bipolar is part of who I am. It's part of the package. It's part of what makes me me. It gives me alot of attributes I really like. The meds temper the effects of the attributes I don't like, and the attributes that take away from what makes me "neat" and cool. They round out the package and make me alot easier to deal with and easier to be around.

I know this is kind of long, and I'm sorry, but the more I wrote, the more I felt like I had to write, if not for you, then for me.

I hope you'll stick with meds, even if it's a bit of trial and error to figure out the right one(s) for you. You can come here any time and whine and complain about how much you hate them. And I'll listen to you, and tell you I understand, because I do, but I also promise it gets alot better in time.

 

[Domo]

Thank you turtle. I appreciate you sharing that.

Initial diagnosis is dysthymia with episodes of major depressive disorder. I don't really know that i hold any value to that though. It doesn't sit well with me.

As for if others think i should be on them, psych and therapist do. Family is tricky. Mum and dad want me to be well but they don't understand. My brother doesn't understand either but doesn't really think i should be taking anything.

Call me crazy but i want to be on that edge. I need to feel death.

I never really understand what is going on in my head, with or without meds i can never make sense of who or what i am.

I am just going through the motions of life and none of it means anything. I feel like i am meant for other worlds.

I'll stick with the meds for now, but they are never going to make this world home.

Thank you again for sharing.

 

[Banned]

Thank you turtle. I appreciate you sharing that.

No problemo. It was actually kind of cathartic for me to write, too. So - thanks for that opportunity.

Initial diagnosis is dysthymia with episodes of major depressive disorder. I don't really know that i hold any value to that though. It doesn't sit well with me.

That was my first diagnosis - dysthymia, then MDD, then bipolar. Dysthymia can and does sometimes morph into bipolar, and you can have bipolar as well as dysthymia (not saying you do, just saying that sometimes things are more complicated than what we think.)

As for if others think i should be on them, psych and therapist do. Family is tricky. Mum and dad want me to be well but they don't understand. My brother doesn't understand either but doesn't really think i should be taking anything.

My family is tricky too. It took a long time for my mom to understand that depression can be physical. She kept telling me I have nothing to be depressed about and I just need to get on with life. I think with my more current diagnosis its actually easier for her to understand than it was before. But, you need to act on what you and your health care team thinks is in your best interests.

Call me crazy but i want to be on that edge. I need to feel death.

Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt. But, the more you experience life, the less appealing that edge of death is.

I never really understand what is going on in my head, with or without meds i can never make sense of who or what i am.

That's why therapy and medication are often recommended to be used in unison. They both work best together, in most instances.

I am just going through the motions of life and none of it means anything. I feel like i am meant for other worlds.

Been there, done that, got this t-shirt too . Meds will change that. Therapy will help you accept and embrace the change. Together they will shift your focus and thoughts to enjoy being in a different place and space.

I'll stick with the meds for now.

Good.

Thank you again for sharing.

You're welcome.

 

[Domo]

I am just going through the motions of life and none of it means anything. I feel like i am meant for other worlds.

Been there, done that, got this t-shirt too . Meds will change that. Therapy will help you accept and embrace the change. Together they will shift your focus and thoughts to enjoy being in a different place and space.

Why should i be medicated for feeling that? I mean what if there is something to it? If we restrict our thinking to what is deemed 'normal', well we might be missing out on something. We could be onto something and at this rate we will never know because we have to take pills and train our brains to be what society thinks is acceptable. People have religion. They believe in gods, millions and millions of people die for these beliefs, and i am the one being labeled crazy for being open to the possibility of there being more out there? Where is the justice in that?

We need to suffer for this evolution. It was never going to be easy. Like religion there will be casualties. Only this time it's in mind, not body.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

If we restrict our thinking to what is deemed 'normal', well we might be missing out on something.

Yes, indeed. You might be missing out on feeling depressed, chronically pessimnistic, hopeless, and suicidal.

We could be onto something and at this rate we will never know because we have to take pills and train our brains to be what society thinks is acceptable.

No. Not what society thinks is acceptable. What you know is acceptable. See above.

i am the one being labeled crazy for being open to the possibility of there being more out there?

1. Who is labeling you "crazy"?
2. More of what out there exactly? More of the despair you're feeling?

Where is the justice in that?

What does justice have to do with any of this?

We need to suffer for this evolution. It was never going to be easy.

Why? There's nothing noble about suffering. You won't be granted sainthood for suffering needlessly. You're going to suffer enough at times with or without medication. Analgesics dull the pain but it's still there. Would you argue that one should reject analgesics and experience the full experience of pain so as not to miss anything? Would you argue for surgery without anaesthetic?

The thing is that once your depression lifts, you will fully realize how distorted and irrational your thinking here really is.

But it's your life, your choice. If you want to be depressed, hopeless, helpless, pessimistic, cynical, negative, and suicidal, carry on.

 

[Mari]

we have to take pills and train our brains to be what society thinks is acceptable

Dear Domo, I hope you do it for 'you' and not because you think that someone wants to train your brain. What quality of life do you want for yourself? Do you think that your doctor/therapist could help you sort out your thoughts? As Turtle said 'it gets alot better in time'. :support: Mari

 

[forgetmenot]

Hey Domo your thoughts seems so logical to you and at one time to me too. I stopped my meds several times thinking no i just don't need them i can do all this on my own. It doesn't happen i only get worse then all that time wasted again getting back on them stabilizing. I know you wish you could do without them as do i It gets to the point do i want to survive or do i just want to give in which i have almost done now when i have been off the meds. You need to look at medication differently and accept that is is a positve thing to do When you are accepting of the medication and truly believe they are necessay I find they actually work better for me. Crazy i know but its true. When you mind is not fighting the thoughts of taking them they work better. Stay stable okay stay well for you for your happiness why suffer all the unnecessary pain the sadness if it can be eased up a bit. I am still taking my medication and will continue to as i know now my life would have been so much better if someone would have help me see clearly along time ago. Take care Domo stay well okay hope you are able to talk to your therapist soon so all those distorted thoughts leave you soon .

 

[Marcel]

Stay stable okay stay well for you for your happiness why suffer all the unnecessary pain the sadness if it can be eased up a bit.

Domo - I was wondering if any of your resistance is because you think you don't deserve to be happy?

 

[Domo]

1. Who is labeling you "crazy"?
2. More of what out there exactly? More of the despair you're feeling?

The people that think i need medication.
As for what this more is. I do not know. That's my point. We will never know. But something that helps me/us feel like we are home.

Why? There's nothing noble about suffering. You won't be granted sainthood for suffering needlessly. You're going to suffer enough at times with or without medication. Analgesics dull the pain but it's still there. Would you argue that one should reject analgesics and experience the full experience of pain so as not to miss anything? Would you argue for surgery without anaesthetic?.

Nor do i want sainthood. I get the whole would you have surgery without anaesthetic, would you not trake insulin for your diabetes, why would you not take medicine for your mental health. I understand where you are coming from but sometimes i find these things incomparable.

The thing is that once your depression lifts, you will fully realize how distorted and irrational your thinking here really is.

Maybe. We'll find out when i take start taking meds again tomorrow.

But it's your life, your choice. If you want to be depressed, hopeless, helpless, pessimistic, cynical, negative, and suicidal, carry on.

I'm not really sure what i want anymore. I am confused. Part of me does not want to feel the things so i co-operate with my psychiatrist and psychologist. The other part of me wants to explore these other possibilities.

Dear Domo, I hope you do it for 'you' and not because you think that someone wants to train your brain. What quality of life do you want for yourself? Do you think that your doctor/therapist could help you sort out your thoughts? As Turtle said 'it gets alot better in time'. :support: Mari

I don't really know anymore. About anything. It is no longer clear what i should do.

Hey Domo your thoughts seems so logical to you and at one time to me too. I stopped my meds several times thinking no i just don't need them i can do all this on my own. It doesn't happen i only get worse then all that time wasted again getting back on them stabilizing. I know you wish you could do without them as do i It gets to the point do i want to survive or do i just want to give in which i have almost done now when i have been off the meds. You need to look at medication differently and accept that is is a positve thing to do When you are accepting of the medication and truly believe they are necessay I find they actually work better for me. Crazy i know but its true. When you mind is not fighting the thoughts of taking them they work better. Stay stable okay stay well for you for your happiness why suffer all the unnecessary pain the sadness if it can be eased up a bit. I am still taking my medication and will continue to as i know now my life would have been so much better if someone would have help me see clearly along time ago. Take care Domo stay well okay hope you are able to talk to your therapist soon so all those distorted thoughts leave you soon .

I am always compliant and it never gets me anywhere. I've not missed one single dose in the 11 months i have been on them. I see my psychologist on Thursday. Maybe i should talk to her sooner.

Domo - I was wondering if any of your resistance is because you think you don't deserve to be happy?

I struggle to answer this. My first thought was, of course i don't deserve to be happy. The second thought being, why don't i? Is it not a basic human right?

 

[David Baxter PhD]

1. Who is labeling you "crazy"?

The people that think i need medication.

Nonsense. I take medication. I don't think I'm crazy and no one has ever suggested that I am.