Impossible Sister

[HotthenCold]

Hi there,

I've got an impossible-to-be-around sister and don't know what to do.

I love her a lot, but I rarely want to be around her because of many of her personality traits. I'm the youngest of 3 kids and she's the middle.

One of the many things that repels me from her is that I think to her I'm an immature bad guy, and she acts "above me". The thing is, I'm not at all who shes says I am. Her rationale is that I've lost my temper with her before and yelled, and that I used to be quite depressed and angry with the world. However, when I've lost my temper with her it's because she pushed and pushed. She repeatedly takes things without asking and then routinely loses them or ruins them (C.D's for example), then when confronted (even if the confrontation is very polite and reasonable) she blows up. She blows up about any criticism or even minor disagreement. I guess what I'm saying is that she is forcing her view of what I am on me, even if I give her zero ammo and am completely nice, she finds ways to make me out to be the unreasonable little kid who she needs to scold or guide. I've learned that the best policy with her is to keep my boundaries and not to let her trespass them, but my strength and belief in who I am is an affornt to her. I can tell because she acts petulant when I don't give in to her attempts at a battle.
This is just one of many of her traits that make me avoid her completely.

She is usually very rude if someone disagrees with her at all, but if you avoid confrontation with her (because it's so draining, but my whole family does it) she accuses you of withholding your feelings and therefore being cowardly. It's a lose lose situation. Also, when she does get into an argument she can not truly accept that she may have started and encouraged the argument.

She will either act as if she is just being assertive, when in reality she will be saying very nasty or passive aggressive things, which I suspect are designed to perpertuate the argument. Yesterday we fought, and I kept trying to calmly and respectfully apologize for raising my voice with her, and work out a solution, and she kept accusing me of being incommunicative, yet when I would say I want to work this out, she would say I don't mean it. Literally everything I did, I was automatically the bad guy. THe thing is, I know it's now me. She has had major blow outs with pretty much ALL of her friends over the years, and frequently gets new friends. She is routinely a pain in the butt to my parents, yet even with all this evidence, she still doesn't seem to realized that the common denominator is her.
Wow, that was a long rant, and I've really just scratched the surface.

Basically I feel I'm dealing with a very unstable, cunning, manipulative, passive aggressive person who seems bent on viewing "the other" as fundamentally wrong and therefore bad, while claiming righteousness and innocence, even though she is almost always to blame.

I know it sounds like I'm not being fair, but trust me, after years of this crap I know who the problem is.

How can I be around her and not let her insulting and stressful ways get me down?

I'm starting to really worry about her future. She seems so unstable.

I meant to say "it's NOT me"...not "it's now me"

 

[white page]

Hi Hotthencold,
It is so difficult to have a family member who wreaks emotional havoc, I do feel for you , this sounds more than normal sibling rivalry , have you talked to your parents about the possibility that your sister may have a personality disorder ?
I really think that you hit the nail on the head when you said " She seems so unstable " there are many possible causes for this , some as simple as hormonal or thyriod imbalance which modify behaviour patterns , and then there are other possible causes which need pshycriatric help and appropriate
medication , certainly a thorough medical check up may seem a good idea,
why don't you talk this over with your parents . At times we accept unreasonable behaviour from our family members because we are used to it and it has always been that way , we hope that our children will " calm " down as they grow older , and we do not always fully realise how much they are suffering and how very disrupting and distressing it is for the rest of the family . I am sure other members will have more concrete advise for you .
Just know that you have my sympathy.
best wishes white page

P.S. A person who has a personality disorder , is not aware of this until they are diagnosed , and even then until appropriate treatment becomes effective , they may reject the idea , being still in the illusory perception mode of everybody else being in the wrong , your last words moved me , ( it's NOT me !) Hang on to that thought , try to step back , if possible, and not see the emotional aggresions as a reflection of yourself , but as a symptom of your sisters distress . This may help you with coping until she recieves help and appropriate treatment .

 

[Budoaiki]

Hi Hot then cold,

I have had similar experiences with my sister and given our family dynamic I now know that it's part of a defense mechanism. She has a habit of not dealing with things and tends to bottle her anger until she has a blow up at the slightest provocation and when confronted about it she simply breaks down only to start it all over again when she reaches her threshold.
It's hard to watch and even harder to experience, I have also had to set up boundaries with my sister. Now when ever she starts to vent on me over something i tell her that i love her and that i am here for her and that when she calms down we can discuss it when she wants to talk.

 

[HotthenCold]

Ya that's pretty good advice Budokai. I think that's the only possible way to make some of these interactions sane. It's extremely difficult to step outside of myself in those moments and take on the calm, diplomatic and loving role though.

 

[NicNak]

Hi Hotthencold,
It is so difficult to have a family member who wreaks emotional havoc, I do feel for you , this sounds more than normal sibling rivalry , have you talked to your parents about the possibility that your sister may have a personality disorder ?
I really think that you hit the nail on the head when you said " She seems so unstable " there are many possible causes for this , some as simple as hormonal or thyriod imbalance which modify behaviour patterns , and then there are other possible causes which need pshycriatric help and appropriate
medication , certainly a thorough medical check up may seem a good idea,
why don't you talk this over with your parents . At times we accept unreasonable behaviour from our family members because we are used to it and it has always been that way , we hope that our children will " calm " down as they grow older , and we do not always fully realise how much they are suffering and how very disrupting and distressing it is for the rest of the family . I am sure other members will have more concrete advise for you .
Just know that you have my sympathy.
best wishes white page

P.S. A person who has a personality disorder , is not aware of this until they are diagnosed , and even then until appropriate treatment becomes effective , they may reject the idea , being still in the illusory perception mode of everybody else being in the wrong , your last words moved me , ( it's NOT me !) Hang on to that thought , try to step back , if possible, and not see the emotional aggresions as a reflection of yourself , but as a symptom of your sisters distress . This may help you with coping until she recieves help and appropriate treatment .

White Page also offered some great advice too. I wasn't sure if you saw White Page's post, so I quoted it here as well.

I think it sounds more than sibling rivalry as well. I agree with White Page that speaking to your parents about your sister is in order.

If she is not well, it is best she get treatment as soon as possable.

Let us know how it goes.

 

[Budoaiki]

Hotthencold,

I have taken anger management therapy, it helped me view things more objectively and about how to deal with confrontation and how to be honest with myself about my feelings when confronted while keeping my cool and expressing my feelings without perpetuating the conflict.

I also began to study philosophy to gain a better understanding of how others have learned to deal with the conflicts we all face in life. When I found the philosophy of Bushido in what I believe to be it's true form in Aikido I saw a reflection of my own feelings which is why I started to practice martial arts.

Since then I have studied the teachings of many other martial arts and philosophies to learn from others and in doing so I have formed the foundations of my own ethos for living peacefully and constructively.

Now whenever I find myself in a confrontation I am neither afraid nor angered because i know we are all only human and subject to stresses and strains of life. So when my sister or anyone else for that matter confronts me with anger i see it as a cry for help because they have become overwhelmed as we all do at times because we all have a threshold for stress.
I try to listen to their concerns with that in mind and I always try to react with respect for them, their concerns and their feelings as well as my own.

It is a difficult balance and not always appreciated or understood but in the end when I get past the initial anger that comes from whatever the provocation and relax i can approach it objectively and with compassion in that state referred to in martial arts as the void.

I believe the void is when the mind, body and soul are in a harmonious state otherwise know as being calm and that this is when we can access and express our full potential. It's a bit long winded but it's how I learned and how i am still learning to deal with those kind of conflicts along with the help of my therapist, i hope this helps.

 

[HotthenCold]

Hotthencold,

I have taken anger management therapy, it helped me view things more objectively and about how to deal with confrontation and how to be honest with myself about my feelings when confronted while keeping my cool and expressing my feelings without perpetuating the conflict.

I also began to study philosophy to gain a better understanding of how others have learned to deal with the conflicts we all face in life. When I found the philosophy of Bushido in what I believe to be it's true form in Aikido I saw a reflection of my own feelings which is why I started to practice martial arts.

Since then I have studied the teachings of many other martial arts and philosophies to learn from others and in doing so I have formed the foundations of my own ethos for living peacefully and constructively.

Now whenever I find myself in a confrontation I am neither afraid nor angered because i know we are all only human and subject to stresses and strains of life. So when my sister or anyone else for that matter confronts me with anger i see it as a cry for help because they have become overwhelmed as we all do at times because we all have a threshold for stress.
I try to listen to their concerns with that in mind and I always try to react with respect for them, their concerns and their feelings as well as my own.

It is a difficult balance and not always appreciated or understood but in the end when I get past the initial anger that comes from whatever the provocation and relax i can approach it objectively and with compassion in that state referred to in martial arts as the void.

I believe the void is when the mind, body and soul are in a harmonious state otherwise know as being calm and that this is when we can access and express our full potential. It's a bit long winded but it's how I learned and how i am still learning to deal with those kind of conflicts along with the help of my therapist, i hope this helps.

Hiya,

Thanks for this. I've really been in a scary place again because I can't stand the emotional drama of my family, and your response really reminds me that there is a serene path to take.