intense need to be loved and shown love

[krum]

Hi all,
I'm new here and wanted to say hello but I also had a question. I'll give a little bit of background first (short version). I was orphaned at 11 when father shot and killed mother then himself. Went and lived with sister who is 10 years older. However she was living together with her in-laws (who later adopted me). I was sexually abused by her father-n-law for about 13 years (off and on I guess) and was emotionally abused by her mother-in-law. There was some physical abuse thrown in there for god measure too. So I guess I've got a little bit of baggage ;p.

Anyhoo, I'm married now and have been for about a year and a half. My question is how do I curb this intense need to be loved and shown love constantly? It's not that big of a deal if I shut off some of my emotions which I pretty much have to do to stay sane but sometimes after we've had an "intimate moment" and the next day I'm feeling like a little girl in love and act accordingly, it almost crushes me when he doesn't respond the same way.

I appreciate any input. )

 

[David Baxter PhD]

That's a big question, krum, and obviously related to all of the "baggage" you mention. Is your husband aware of your history?

What if any therapy have you been involved in regarding all of the trauma in your life?

 

[krum]

Yes, my husband does know my history. I've been to a few sessions but I didn't continue it because of one, the finances involved and two, the emotional undertaking it took. I pretty much know all my problems and the reason for them. I have a B.A. in Psychology. While in no way does that make me an expert, it certainly gave me a bit of understanding. About the therapy.....it was kindof like needing thrapy for my therapy, ya know. So I stopped.

 

[Lana]

If finances were not an issue, would you be interested in seeing someone? In Canada, it is possible to get a referral from family doctor for a mental health clinic psychiatrist that does psychotherapy (or check with your local hospital to see if they have a clinic). This cost is covered by Provincial Health Plan. I don't think there is a way to avoid the emotional undertaking. But, it seems as though you deal with it everytime you share intimacy with your husband. Being able to talk it out with someone that has an objective stance with your best interest in mind would really help.

 

[krum]

If finances were not an issue, yes I would go. However, I am not Canadian. I hope you all won't hold that against me. I'm from the US, however I'm currently living in Russia with husband (who is Russian).

Surprisingly enough, this was not something that I ever thought would happen but while I was pregnant I had a lot of memories popping up. On top of regular pregnancy hormones I had to deal with that and occassional dreams (bad). I was so afraid that I would cause my son harm by having all those emotions running rampid throughout my body so I tried to keep as calm as I could. My son is now 4 months old and seems fine. It's not like I repress them I just choose not to acknowledge them. I'm not even sure if that's a good word to use or not. I don't talk to anyone in that family (where the abuse happened). So it's kindof like those memories are left with that family - shut off or locked up in an old room. I know that's not good and that they need to be dealt with. Honestly at times I feel like if I open that door and try to address those problems I will go crazy and I mean that in the literal sense.

I appreciate all your input. It's nice to know that you're not alone.

 

[Lana]

Hi krum,
I, for one, am glad you found us

It's been a long time sine I've been in Europe. I'm from Ukraine (formerly U.S.S.R) The one thing that is different there from North America, is that health care is available to all. You should be able to get a referral from a doctor there for a psychologist or psychiatrist...or call the hospital and ask the switchboard if they have any and if it's possible to make appointments and cost, if any. I wish I could offer more but it has been a very long time since I've been there.