Introduction - hoping writing this down will be cathartic

[rootsmanouvre]

Hello.

I recently joined this forum to hopefully get some support and to also support people who are going through similar stuff.

I have alot of emotional and mental well being issues that have stemed from childhood experiences and are after kicking me to the curb in adult life.

I suffered a complete nervous break down/break from reality! in my early twenties and spent time in hospital over that.

The shame and anger surrounding all of that really had prevented me from leading a normal life and unfortunately -even though I really want to try and move on - I have just become so resigned to the way I am living that change gets harder and harder as time goes on.

The psychiatrist could never diagnose anything specifically (mostly because my father demanded to accompany me to the meetings and therefore I stopped going) but I have done alot of reading and believe what happened and what anxiety I continue to live with is probably PTSD caused by childhood experiences; emotional and physical abuse and neglect in our very dysfunctional family home. A sibling of mine also had a complete breakdown (comatosed and unresponsive mostly followed by talks on irrational non existent things)which further heightens my belief it is due to our treatment as children. We were badly beaten, punched and emotionally bullied daily and witnessed the same kind of behaviour from our father to our mother.

I almost feel like I am in denial about the way I was raised; I was never able to talk about it to friends; we have no close extended family and my parents never had any friends over -or any friends at all in fact - so finding a point of reference of what normality is and what it isnt is a real struggle and its only as Im older and see other people with children that I started to be able formulate my own opinions. What makes it even harder is that because we were so isolated from anyone else I have no role models or support network and I feel completely inadequate at moving my life on and developing a joyous life - I feel these experiences are always going to hold me back.

I'd really appreciate any advise from people who have lived through the effects of a controlled childhood and how they found a way to build a new life.

thnx

 

[forgetmenot]

Re: Introduction -hoping writing this down will be cathartic

Just want to say hi and i hope you do feel better posting your thoughts out glad you are here hugs

 

[CarlaMarie]

Re: Introduction -hoping writing this down will be cathartic

Welcome, I'm glad you opened up.

 

[Andy]

Re: Introduction -hoping writing this down will be cathartic

Welcome to Psychlinks rootsmanouvre:2thumbs:

 

[rootsmanouvre]

Re: Introduction -hoping writing this down will be cathartic

thanks so much for the greetings and welcomes - this forum is such a great thing

 

[Cat Dancer]

Re: Introduction -hoping writing this down will be cathartic

Welcome!!!!

 

[Retired]

Re: Introduction -hoping writing this down will be cathartic

Hello Roots and Welcome to Psychlinks!

Hope you find the help amd support you need.

Are you being treated by a therapist and or physician at this time?

 

[Yuray]

so finding a point of reference of what normality is and what it isnt is a real struggle

...as it is for many in here. Your use of the word cathartic is well chosen. Keep posting. Give us some background so we can see where you are, and where you want to go, and perhaps, how to get there. Responses will trickle in as we are not here 24/7, but you will be responded to!

 

[bloodwood]

Hi Rootsmanouvre,
Thank you for joining and sharing.

The shame and anger surrounding all of that really had prevented me from leading a normal life and unfortunately -even though I really want to try and move on - I have just become so resigned to the way I am living that change gets harder and harder as time goes on.

There is stigma to bowing under the weight of things but the good part is that you don't have to carry that stigma. It belongs to those who simply don't understand. There are lots of people like that but there are lots of people who do understand because they suffer too or a family member or a friend. You are among the accepting. Some of us have tales like yours.

The psychiatrist could never diagnose anything specifically (mostly because my father demanded to accompany me to the meetings and therefore I stopped going)

Hopefully something you find here will help you return to some kind of active healing. Reading about it was a really good step. One thing that helped me was knowing that I wasn't alone, that other people were like me. It lets you start to like yourself.
Welcome.
Peter

 

[rootsmanouvre]

Hello Steve,

With regards to your question -no I am not - I stopped going to the psychiatrist and taking medication - I know I suffered a severe psychotic episode and should of, probably from psychiatrists view point stayed on the meds longer - but for me personally I noticed that they were not helping the underlying situation- in fact my daily anxieties etc. were not eased at all.

Also, I had a rather bad experience with my psychiatrist and doctor and for me personally I feel a psychologist/councillor will help best. Actually Id like to tell you about my bad experience-

When I was released from hospital I had to visit my local doctor to be referred to a specified psychiatrist - upon this vist the local doctor reffered back to my notes that the hospital psychiatrist had taken.

As a bit of background to these notes- (I was 22in hospital and psychotic - I actually thought being in a mental ward was some kind of test that everyone goes through and has to pass to be released to be their 'new self' in the world; anyway the psychiachtrist in the hospital had asked: ' did I drink much? '( internal conversation in me - say yes -tell her yes to everything that way you pass the test!) me 'yes I do ' (reality - no!- not at all!). doctors notes - heavy drinker. 'do you have casual sex much? ' me 'yes doctor ' (again -No! I wish!- but the game is say yes -then you get out into the new world as the new you! so 'yes ') doctors notes-heavily permiscuos.

Anyway, out of all the revelations, all the insight and answers those doctors could of wrote -the most relevant thing my local doctor chose to address was - 'your doctor in the hospital told me you were drinking alot and having alot of casual sex; you better stop that or I'll tell your father'

As an older person I am fuming about not only that the most relevant thing they wished to discuss with a clearly non alchoholic nerd-wasnt the fact that I wound up unable to speak for a week, was found wandering my university was my sex and drink habits but they also felt they had the authority to threaten me; a 22 yr old young adultt ;with 'telling my father' . I cant describe the shame and self loathing I felt when I was sitting there when he said this- I was looking for compassion and help but what I got was a threat to be 'told on' to the man who felt now qualms about punching me in the face til I bled, punching us as kids til we had bust lips or kicking me repeatedly as teenager while lying on the ground becuase I was dressed scruffy. Also - when I went to see the psychiatrist my father demanded to be there- and she was more than accomodating to let him sit in -which was pointless for me -coz I cant breath or relax in his presence (after I was discharged from hospital I was back home coz I couldnt afford my rent anymore and as much as I wud of liked to stand up to him/tell him to see his own damned shrink; my mental capacity was simply not up for it)

However I am looking into finding a suitable councillor. Personally, in my situation, I think talking and learning coping mechanisms will be better in the long run. I do no think I will have a break down again - I think it was a symtom of 22 years of having to repress my emotions-actually I will not let myself have a breakdown again!! sounds silly but I wont - before the last one I had worked so hard to establish some sort of independence and it was all swept away along wiith my confidence - I have spent alot of time since then reading and reflecting and I have learnt to recognise my thought patterns and feelings in my body. I still get undue anxiety ; when Im in crowded places; and this leads to racing thoughts - but as it is occuring Im aware its an over reaction on my part. I dont allow myself indulge in thinking too much either!

Before I used tackle moving on from my past by focusing on trying to accomplish things - like if I just get my degree, then I'll do this then that, however the underlying feeling never went away.

What I really want to do is stop feeling so bitter and move forward emotionally -coz even when I accomplished anything the weight never left and not only did I feel the same but the anomosity thats now me actually took from my achievements and made them insignificant. (even saying that makes me feel better actually) Ive become really bitter - especially after my mum died - I just couldnt understand how she allowed him to treat her like that. She cut herself off from everyone as a survival tool. From her own family and from her kids. She never gave us any affection and she sat back and allowed him not only to bully her but to bully us. It makes me so sad and unfortunately Ill forever feel disappointed.

Another major of wwhat I want -in moving forward -isnt just letting go of bad memories but also letting go of the hope that there will be change. When my mother died I thought my father'd change -I thought he might offer us some sort of support or help and I kept holding out for it - but Ive just recently realised he wont concede that to us- if we go looking for any sort of relationship - we are just there as crutches to him. Im still accutely aware of how innocent I was when I was little - how I thought this was all how everyone was -but now, with a sibling after serving time for violent assault and the other one also after being in a mental home, none of us ever having been able form circles of friends or partners - I realise that well we were different! and Id despite that Id reallyy like to learn to find confidence in who I am and were Im from. Its really sad Ive no extended family and no solid base but Id really like to learn how to be that base forr myself. Somedays (like today with my epic story of woe!) I get really sad from stupid self indulgent things - like a girl I know in work is getting married -she'll have all her family there, her sisters as bridesmaids and her dad walk her down the aisle and her mum keeps ringing her to talk aboutarrangements and that kinda thing for me, in truth, wont ever happen. And I guess Im cool with that but Im really scared too about what the future'll be like for me.

thnx for providing me with a space here to vent and stuff. releasing all this BS really helps.

 

[H011yHawkJ311yBean]

Hey there, if it helps to know, I too did a lot of emotion-swallowing. It didn't do me much good, either. Sort of the same issue; mother was a controlling/manipulative emotional and psychological abuser, but of course when you are a child, everything in your family is what you think is in everyone's family, so you think that it's normal until you manage to get out of that environment for a while. My mom is still like that, and my dad still enables her. I have taken steps to distance myself from both of them, although it sure helped when they moved two provinces away! Did me a huge favour.

The reason I finally went to talk to a psychologist was because I had a sort of nervous breakdown at work. It probably wasn't exactly a nervous breakdown, but I was full of anxiety and it was because of the type of work environment I was in. There was no managers from my department in the same province as me, for one, and the trainer/mentor that was helping me do my job long distance was telling me to do things one way, and my managers in a completely different province from my trainer were telling me to do things completely another way. The other issue was that I was supposed to be office support, but the company I had trained with was merged with another company. Essentially the people that trained and managed me wanted me to completely change the way the old system was, when the original employees that were there were used to doing things a completely different way. In retrospect it was like I was expected to manage things on my own. It was a very poisonous work environment, and one day I just broke down and went out in back of the building and cried for about an hour. Then I went on stress leave. I had never ever sought counseling before. So that's what started me on my road to healing. I had a Cognitive/Behavioural Psychologist help me. I realized that I had made some poor relationship (and work) choices because I was trying to do things like the way things were done in my family.

Anyway, I hear what you are saying about the "BS" and hopefully like me you've found some lovely folks on here are full of helpful information, and very supportive... Sorry if I am rather verbose about it. lol