Is it Guilt?

[Debra]

I have been seperated and divorced for about 8 yrs. My problem is moving on. I met the perfect man. We dated for awhile and now live together. We have been living together for 1 yr. My ex and I have remained friends, talk alot because of our 11 yr old son. My BF does not have a problem about any of the contact because he knows it has to do with my son. I just seem to have a problem with letting go 100%. I worry about my ex's health, his financial stability, etc. I did not ask for any kind of alimony or child support since we have joint custoday. I constantly try to help him with the house and monies. I'm not sure if its guilt or if I miss what we had. We did try to work it out a few times but I just am not able to be intimate with him. I love his company, I love him but I am not in love with him. Anyway, I keep torturing myself thinking about how much better it would be for my son if his father and I were together. How simple things would be, how great the holidays, etc. I also miss my house and my dog. I let him have both. I miss normal family life. My BF is getting closer to his divorce after being seperated for a long while. His children are older and are handling things fine, so is he. I love him very much, he is so great to me and for me. So what is my problem? Is it that I miss my Son so much when he is not with me? Is it guilt? Is it thriving simplicity?
Sorry so long......

Debra

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Welcome to the PsychLinks forums, Debra...

I spend too much of my working day trying to help kids whose parents are at war with each other and in and out of court. It is possible to have an amicable relationship with an ex-partner where the focus is on friendship, mutual support, and a focus on parenting your child. The fact that you and your ex have been able to do that should be something to be proud of. And I think it also sends a very valuable message to your son: That just because it doesn't work for some people to remain together in a marriage doesn't mean that they stop caring about each other, or about him.

I have a similar relationship with the mother of one of my sons. He is a happy well-adjusted boy who gets the best of both of his parents and we work well as partners in parenting. We are also friends and we support each other in various ways to the extent that we are able, much like you and your ex. We are also both happily in other relationships now and our son is part of both. That means he gets to see two happy and friendly families and knows he is loved in both of those families. How can that be a bad thing for him?

 

[Debra]

Thank you for your response. My Son is very much loved and a happy kid but even just lastnight, he asked me again, could I stay at the house with him, thats where his Father lives and am I going to be there on Christmas morning? His Father works a day job and then 3 nights a week at night so I go over to the house to be with my son, take care of the cat and dog, some laundry, cleaning etc. I have to help, I feel bad for his father. I have moved unto a relationship but his father has not and I know that also makes things alittle more difficult. I just feel as though I will never be able to seperate myself from his father's life and the house because he needs my help. Maybe if he had someone things would be different, maybe not. I cannot be 100% happy and give my all to my relationship if I'm still living part of my life for my ex. Sometimes I feel the better thing to do is just move back. This way everyone is taken care of, my ex and my son are happy. My BF has been great and so patient with me but I know I'm not making things easier with us because of the house, my son and my ex......they want me back. I feel as though things will never get to the point where they should at this point no matter how hard I try.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

The problem is that if you start making decisions like that based on what other people want instead of what you need, where does it end and what do you have left in a few more years when your son is independent and doesn't WANT you staying at the house? That is going to happen sooner than you think -- a blink of an eye.

I think the greater problem is learning how to set some reasonable boundaries for what you can do and how. Helping your ex out is fine. Helping your son out is necessary. But that doesn't mean you have to be at anyone's beck-and-call or to feel guilty if your ex isn't moving on in his life... you cannot make him happy anyway -- that's something for him to do.

 

[Debra]

I understand he is the only one that can make himself happy. But I know I am the cause of all the complications and unhappiness. I feel I made a bad mistake years ago in leaving my marriage and should of tried harder to work it out. But I also know I cannot change the past. Its been too long and we are two different people now but I still cannot help but feeling as though its my fault for ruining their lives and their happy home. Happy when there was no fighting anyway. My BF is so great that he wants to help me work through all this as much as possible and I appreciate that but noone can help me but myslef. I just need some advice and guidance. I am one for making bad decisions....obviously. I just don't know how to figure out whats the right thing to do. I am exhausting myself physically, emotionally and mentally. Maybe I will try talking to my ex again and my son. My BF keeps letting me know he is there for me and would love to listen but I am afraid I will hurt him with the subject of my issues.
I also feel if I go back I may make another bad mistake and lose the best thing that has ever come into my life besides my son.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

I understand he is the only one that can make himself happy. But I know I am the cause of all the complications and unhappiness.

I know you feel that way but I also know it isn't true. Your "crime" was not being happy in your marriage, probably because like many people you married the wrong person or before you truly understood what you wanted and needed a relationship to be. You then rectified that error -- that's what life is all about: making mistakes, learning from them, and rectifying them.

I also know I cannot change the past. Its been too long and we are two different people now but I still cannot help but feeling as though its my fault for ruining their lives and their happy home. Happy when there was no fighting anyway.

What kind of life would you have had, would your ex have had, would your son have had if you had remained and the fighting had continued? That would have done a lot more damage to everyone. You would also have been helping your son to grow up with a terrible model for relationships -- because of the decision you made 8 years ago he now has positive models for relationships.

It's also not your fault "for ruining their lives": First, their lives aren't ruined. Second, I find it hard to believe that the fighting when you were in the marriage was all your fault.

I just don't know how to figure out whats the right thing to do. I am exhausting myself physically, emotionally and mentally.

I would suggest that the right thing to do is what makes you feel happy, not what makes you feel less guilty -- the guilt is something you can learn to reframe and get past -- staying with your ex because other people might be happy would be a huge mistake. Rule #1: You cannot "make" other people happy if you are unhappy yourself.

I also feel if I go back I may make another bad mistake and lose the best thing that has ever come into my life besides my son.

I suspect that's true, based on what you have told us here...

 

[Debra]

What you say makes alot of sense. Reading it seems to make it alittle bit more clearer to me for some reason. I also realized that my ex is not helping me in any positive ways especially when it comes to my son. He never encourages anything with or for my son when it comes to me. Where I do the opposite. I think maybe I should sit and have yet another talk with each of them individually. I appreciate your time and help more than you know.

 

[David Baxter PhD]

Good luck, Debra. Just remember that misplaced guilt is a very poor foundation for sensible decisions.

 

[Debra]

Thank you

Thank you your forum has helped.

Debra