Is it normal how my dad speaks with me?

[oscartheman]

PS: This post is HUGE, you can just read the first paragraph or so and answer my last question. Btw I'm 17.

So I just got home from WALKING my dog, and I get home and my dad is like: Son I made you food it's in the table. I grab it and I sit on my pc. 30 minutes after my dad is going to work and he says: So you're gonna be there until midnight? It's 17:50. He says: You're gonna be there for 5 hours huh? And I'm like: How can you say that? And he says: Son you're in the pc the whole day. (LIE! I stay one hour maybe, but I'm almost always out and stuff. It's not that bad, I'm a healthy person I'd say... I'm not a guy who does nothing except sitting in the pc all day!) Sitting in that artificial screen looking at that artificial colours.... It's robbing your life! I'm really sorry for your life. Yuo should do something else, you should go to the libraby and grab a book and read it. You're wasting your life. It's like you are being robbed. It's like you can't go out you don't have the power to do that. You're in someone elses hands, you're being manipulated by the televison. You should really reconsider your life. You're like a pawn, you know? Pawn, is that how you say it, how do you say it? I really hope you reconsider your ilfe. Bye son!

It was MORE OR LESS like that! I can't remember everything, but that's how it was. Me and my dad have MAJOR MAJOR arguements for ?NOTHING. I NEVER talk to him. Anything I say he twiches it around and tryes to make me look bad. This time it was very direct, but sometimes he makes me angry and it's like MY fault! It's like he's indirectly trying to make me angry. I don't think he means that what he said, I don't think he's saying it because I spend some time at the pc sometimes. Why would you think he says such a thing? He does it like all the time too.

For example today I came from school REALLY EARLY and then my dad arrived (I was in my room) and I was like: Dad when are you going to go away from the pc? (It seems rude in english but it's a normal question) and my dad: What, I just got here and you're trying to take me away already!! bla bla bla. Same old same old. Then he starts saying stuff like, that's why you failed at maths last year, you're always in the pc. (Of course that wasn't the reason!). He sometimes calls me stupid too, but that's uncommon. (I'm preety smart I think!). His style is to try to make ME look guilty for something, even if I am doing something normal!! Like for example, he makes me REALLY hot cereal sometimes. I know I should better do it myself, but he does it for me anyways. If I say it once, dad you make me too hot cereal, he makes it again next day.Then I say it and hes like okay i'll put some colder milk. Then next day he does it again and I ask, didn't I have told you not to make it so hot? (Something like that, I don't ask it in a rude way, totally normal, seems worse in english). And he's like: Again with the same old story, what are you trying to provoke me, always nagging me? I made you cereal you should just appreciate it. And I was, I didn't ask you really, I could do it yourself. (I sayed it very nicley, not rude at all). "I just make you cereal, just woke up, you come with this again?" Next time you do it yourself then, don't complain to me, you don't wanna ruin my day with this crap, bla bla bla, a little after I'm a psycho. I'm like I don't wanna provoke you, and my sister is like: He's just ungratful. I don't think my sister does it on purpose, she just doesn't get me i guess. I would gladly make my own cereal, i really appreciate it, but I don't even ask him to do it, but he always makes me SO HOT, sometimes I forget it, and I almost burn myself. It may look like I'm being a stupid ass saying stuff like that, but I would never say that to make him angry or something I was just pointing out he made me really hot cereal like 3 or more days in a row. I think he undesrstands it but does it anyway! Would that be a resasonable idea? Sometimes it really gets to me, like it's really not so obvious, but I don't think I do stuff THAT bad, he could easily think something else, but it turns out I do really bad stuff, that's how he sees it, and that I'm trying to provoke him. If I adress to him, he'll turn it around. Sooner or later I'll get a little angry and say something mean and when I try to talk to him, he goes a different subject, it's rally hard to directly talk to him.

For example, once I just beat one of my friends in chess, but he was like all game to my friend: Play that, bla bla bla. Just to beat me I guess? Then if I win he's like: Oh you can't beat him, he's too strong now, he sits playing chess all day on the net. But he doesnt have a job. He beats you at chess, but at least you'll get paid in the end of the month, and he won't get nothing! Something like that, but more disguised, like he's not saying anything wrong. And if I ask: Dad are you just saying that to make me angry or what? He says: You're sick, you're making this up because you're against me.
But I would never say that to make him angry, I really think like that, that he's doing these stuff on purpose to make me angry. I don't even want to waste my time arguing, but I really think he's doing it on purpose do you understand? It really really looks that way.

Sooner or later he'll find out something bad that I did and he ends up calling my trash or stuff like that, but for example my mom would never do that.

I could give some more examples, but what do you think? I think that if I tell you this, for example the hot cereal thing, it may look like I'm being totally stupid, but whatever I say he turns it against me. I think that's a normal question, I don't want to make a arguement, but that's what my dad always says, that I just want to argue with him. I sometimes really think I am crazy, because it's easy to interprete it like I AM really just trying to annoy him, but I'm not. For example once my chess board was in a position, and my dad arrives home, it was on the pc table, and my dad sits on the table and throws it all down and throws the pieces in the box really agressivly. And I was like dad couldn't you have throwned it more lightly, you may even brake something! He was like: Wow here we go again, can't I sit for one second in peace? If he walks by me, like in a small hall, he sometimes kind of bumps me, but kind of agressivly. It doesn't hurt, but it's a mean bump, he doesn't even say anything. Here it may seem like I'm being all whiny, but I really think he does that kind of stuff on purpose sometimes. Sometimes he gets really angry and throws stuff on the ground! One time I was like: Dad can I go to the pc real fast, I need to do something for school? I really needed it. He was like: Let me finish reading this page. (It wasn't THAT big of a page, but I was nervous because it was 23:00, and I had to correct something on a work that I was supposed to deliver tomorrow, and I'm not sure how long it would take. Plus he seems to read slowly sometimes. I'm not sure about that.) You don't want to do that, you have a lot of time, you just want to take me out of here for control. I was like: Well you could let me go there, it's for school. He was like: Oh I bet you won't even do anything for school anyway! I just got here, let me end reading this!! I usually aim to sleep 8 hours, and it was like 23:00, my school starts at 8:15, but I calculate I need like 45 minutes to eat, brush my teeth, on the way to school it takes a while, etc. So I was kind of unsure about the time and all, I'm sort of unsure about that stuff! But he ended up only letting me go there, I was kind of trying to convince him, he could read it later, he was insiting for me to let him read that to the end (I should have just dropped right from the beggining) I ended up arguing with him and I only got there like 30 minutes after. I was kind of nervous about the time too, because it could have taken it for like 10-15 minutes to read that, but I ended up going there only after. If I was on his place I would let me go there in a second! He was talking that I want to control him, saying that: You're like you wanna be the boss here, but you can't because you're too young. You just want to point people your finger and say, you go away from there now! (THe boss thing he told me on a different ocasion I think, but he says stuff like that sometimes).

How can I handle my dad's arguements, any advice for me? I told him to go see a psychartist, but he tells me that it is I who need one!! Can you believe that!? Sometimes I really do question myself, but I'm positive that he does stuff like that for some reason, maybe just to annoy me. What do you think? Why would he say stuff like that? Am I just being paranoid? I hardly think so. Any advices for me? Thanks! I guess it could be worse tho, at least he doesn't beat me up or anything. But he does really shout a lot to me and I've heard to worse words, and been in the most unpleasent of ALL situations so far. Him throwing stuff to the ground, being called trash, my mom cries sometimes, my dog goes to the room a lot of times when he and I argue (I try to stay away from arguements sometimes). Oh, I almost forgot, when I try to argue with him, saying, how is it possible that you say stuff like that? He's like lower your voice, you're shouting, you're shouting, and then he like goes away, never lets me talk to him. It really can seem that I am the one who is wrong, but the truth is, I'm the most positive indiviual I know, I am always okay out of home, I rarley ever get angry.

As I said, any advices for me? Thanks a lot. It really feels better just to have written that. I have a audio recording i recorded of him calling me names or something I think. I've thought of throwing his cigarrets away a lot of times, just to make him angry for all the stuff he's done me, but I've always restrained myself hehe. I'm glad I did that! He smokes TONS by the way. About the pc thing, he tells me like: Son I expected a man out of you, you're always on the pc, bla bla bla.

I could go on forever. Any advices? It may not seem like I need them, but I really could use some. Like is it a good idea just to ignore my emotions, would they go away? I try to do that all the time, since talking to him doesn't work. Is that unhealthy? I could do that easily I guess. Is ignoring it just fine or not? And why is the reason he would do such things? if you know, I would love to hear something about that.

 

[Daniel E.]

So I just got home from WALKING my dog, and I get home and my dad is like: Son I made you food it's in the table. I grab it and I sit on my pc. 30 minutes after my dad is going to work and he says: So you're gonna be there until midnight? It's 17:50. He says: You're gonna be there for 5 hours huh? And I'm like: How can you say that? And he says: Son you're in the pc the whole day. (LIE! I stay one hour maybe, but I'm almost always out and stuff. It's not that bad, I'm a healthy person I'd say... I'm not a guy who does nothing except sitting in the pc all day!) Sitting in that artificial screen looking at that artificial colours.... It's robbing your life! I'm really sorry for your life. Yuo should do something else, you should go to the libraby and grab a book and read it. You're wasting your life. It's like you are being robbed. It's like you can't go out you don't have the power to do that. You're in someone elses hands, you're being manipulated by the televison. You should really reconsider your life. You're like a pawn, you know? Pawn, is that how you say it, how do you say it? I really hope you reconsider your ilfe. Bye son!

What your dad is saying seems to be normal dad talk, at least in that paragraph.

 

[Mari]

That is a long but interesting post and I hope you feel better for typing it out. Emotions change all the time but it might be good to talk with your doctor or school counselor about your feelings because it is bothering you. Sometimes just talking about something can help you understand your emotions. :wave: Mari

 

[oscartheman]

What your dad is saying seems to be normal dad talk, at least in that paragraph.

Well I tought that was extremley rude. He used very harsh words in my opinion. He could have spared all of that harsh wording, and I'm always out anyways... But that's good you're giving me that opinion.

My question is just that is it safe like to try to ignore these feelings? I feel better when I like try to think about it a little, trying to speculate why would he say such stuff to me sometimes, is he saying that to hurt me or not. (Almost always seems that way.). If he were saying it to hurt me what would be his reason? It just takes too much time to think about that kind of stuff, if I go on auto pilot thinking I could go for ever and waste all of my energy. I prefer just to ignore it, I'm not sure that is safe\healthy tho. Like could it be really bad for me just to repress those emotions, or would it be advisible to do something else? Thanks all. Mari thanks a lot for that post and you too daniel! It REALLY is cool you guys took the time to answer me and all!

 

[Daniel E.]

it might be good to talk with your doctor or school counselor about your feelings because it is bothering you.

And, in addition to individual counseling, therapists can provide family therapy. But individual counseling can help even when family therapy is not an option.

 

[oscartheman]

I'll check out if my school has a psychologist maybe, hehe, it'll be a little embarrasing tho, and I dunno if he would help me out, but okay, i'll see that. By the way, about the repressing emotions thing, how would that work? Like after that computer dad thing, or after that cereal stuff (My dad calling me crazy and saying that I 'm always trying to upest him) would it be okay just to ignore it? Like I get kind of angry because I think how can he say that, think that? My only logical explination is that he's saying that just to upest ME, and that upests me, because how can someone be like that? I know for sure that I'm not trying to upest him, but I suspect that he is trying to upest me... If I just ignore it that's cool, like ignoring my anger and so? Or is that a unhealthy thing to do? I think i'd like that method tho. Especially because it's almost impossible to talk to him, and my mom has been living for him since ever and she says she's witnessed very unplesant things and he hasn't really chanhged much, at least that's what i understood.

 

[Daniel E.]

From what I have read so far, his intention seems to be that he wants you to avoid arrested development. Even my normally empathetic, self-sacrificing mother turned into something like a supervisor when she wanted me to get a job after high school.

I guess it could be worse tho, at least he doesn't beat me up or anything. But he does really shout a lot to me and I've heard to worse words, and been in the most unpleasent of ALL situations so far. Him throwing stuff to the ground, being called trash, my mom cries sometimes, my dog goes to the room a lot of times when he and I argue (I try to stay away from arguements sometimes).

Of course, once you turn 18, you can move out and live with roommates, if you can afford it.

But for the meantime, have you talked to your mom about this? And, at least if you live in the US, insurance could possibly cover the cost of individual/family therapy.

In any case, talking to a guidance counselor at school could only help.

BTW:

The thing that everyone, even parents, want is to be understood. So make sure that one of the first things you say to your mom or dad is "I understand how you feel." And if you dont understand how they feel say "I'm not sure I get what your saying do you mean....?" They will be impressed that you are trying to see their point of view.

How to Argue With Parents | eHow.com

 

[oscartheman]

I really wish he really was trying to do that... I wish my dad always made me do stuff that were good to me, that would be awsome. But I don't think he cares at all, he never ever said something good to me, he only says bad stuff. Whenever he talks to me I end up going away prefering so much more that he hadn't even talked to me. He only talks to me, I end up thinking he's a jerk because he always makes me hard for me to keep funcioning normally, I always get that feeling. It's crazy. He only seems to want to yell at me. For example today he was yelling for me to go sign up to swimming classes, but i didn't really want to go because he had been yelling and looked like a mess, and he sucks ass talking to people, he's always so negative. He rarley ever looks good talking to someone. No one wants to talk to him because he sucks at talking. Actually perhaps I'm worried that he would do the same stuff he does at home to me in front of everyone, I always have to find my center again after talking to him. He even has an obsessions that some of my dad's friends don't like him because whenever he goes to their house he gets drunk and talks nonsense. One day I remember he telling me in a arguement: So you've been to your friends house for some days, I guess that's where you got that idea about me. He is totally obsessed about what other people say\do to him. My mom said to me that if he met someone for a week they were good friends, but if he's friends with someone for a month or two he always is convinced that they're against him, etc. He's convinced that my friends dad don't like him at all. Once some women came to my house to buy some stuff and I could notice she wasn't liking to be there because of him. And plus, altough this is rare, he embarrasses me when I go somewhere, like that chess stuff he told my friend. Once I went to the dentist with him and he like told some stuff to my dentist, I didn't even want to go with the car with him on my way home, I walked. I told my mom and she agreed that was kinda lame of him. That was years ago tho. His only problem was that yesterday I had told him that I wanted to go, and that today I don't, "You just don't wanna go because of the PC", that's actually how that up there started. But it is a possibility, maybe in a long shot that's what he is trying to do... Combined with something else, that's my guess. But thanks for the suggestion. I really think he is really crazy in some areas of his life tho. What can I do when he starts of accusing me like saying that I only want to get to him, only want to upset him and stuff? If he really wnts to make others feel bad sometimes could someone guess why? That's what makes me so curious. Because I'm particularry angry about the fact that how can he say stuff to make others be angry? Doesn't he have some compassion? That's what's bugging me I guess.

ACtually it looks like I'm being nitpick and a kid and that he doesn't do anything wrong basiclly but I'll remember the next thing he does to me to post it here so you can try and comment... I really suspect passive-agressive of him tho.

---------- Post added September 26th, 2009 at 07:06 AM ---------- Previous post was September 25th, 2009 at 02:27 PM ----------

Damn I can't believe I typed so much... I wouldn't read those posts above myself.... But look, last night my dad came home and he started, so I have LIVE reports of what happened!! You get it, LIVE REPORTS!! That means that while my dad was yelling at me, I was on the pc typing what he said so I can post it here after!! Here it is.

dad gets home. "still there?"I told him why does he assume i've been there for like 7 hours?? (I had just got home like 30 minutes before, and I have been out like all day) goes to kitchen, one second later, i haven't even told anything. you've been there all day, i want a healthy life, i'm gonna tell you some more times and then i'm gonna turn it off. this is getting to sickness. i don't want this in here, everthing has a limit, and if you don't know the limit you need to shut it down, i'm not gonna allow someone to be sicka and i'm seeing. i'm not gonna allow someone, who already lost two years of school because of this. this is being dependent on the pc. these are the simptons, they are bad, plus it's bad for his (he was talking to my mom) psysical and mental well being to be 6 hours on the pc, i'm seriously considering to turn it off. i just came there today, he threw me away, (I just asked him when was he leaving in a normal tone) i haven't even been there any time, he has a friend over and he's in the pc now. (my friend was doing some stuff of watching tv) and now he told me that he's gonna send me to the police, (I once kind of out of my mouth, without thinking threatened this because he couldn't stop filling the house with weed smoke) psychatrist, he is the one who needs one. he tells me i need a psychatrist, i'm gonna turn it off, i don't have money, it?s not gonna be like this all winter, i'm not gonna pay for sickness, his friends do stuff and he's in the pc like a little baby. who's he talking to in the pc, the police? at my expense? (didn't heard this part). when he gets out of there, he's gonna attack me. he told me three times that he's gonna call the police on me. i heard this three times, for my life, i'm not gonna see that. (my mom told him trice to stop already). he wants to put me in jail so he can be in the pc? (i'm only hearing a negative tone, "no no no", he's in the kitchen now).
That was about it. If I had told one word I think he would have continued.

My mom told him that he didn't need to be angry all the time and stuff like that. She told him that he was over reacting or something like that.

 

[tallshyone]

Hello,Well if I may add my two cents worth. At first glance he sounds like a normal dad,but I have a question or 2 for you .
1-you are 17,are you in school? doing well in school, taking college classes or already in college? whaat are your plans for future etc
2-How is your health?any concerns? and other than sitting at your PC does he see?

I ask these questions because maybe he is truely concerned for you and unfortunatly lacks the best communication skills to address these with.
Do not be mad but at 17 I feel we all have felt ..ugh still gotta do what the parents say ...ugh why why why can't they treat me as an adult etc.(went threw that myself) So everything seems harsh and nagging.
Yes he seems rude but maybe what is best is that you sit with parents ...both of them and calmly and rationaly try to come to and agreement of sorts,(maybe he does not understand what you do while on the PC) and if that does not work then suggest that all of you go speak to someone ( someone neutral) as kind of mediator etc.
:2thumbs: Good luck I am sure it will all work out.

Also in regards to the episode that happened "live reports"
He does sound angry , and counselling may help him, but I think we miss a few key points, we know little of your father and he may be going threw stuff himself right now,?is his job good or does he have one? do you know if he is having trouble with money etc. these among other things can be the real root cause to his angry outburst etc. and mom does not want her child to see all, so she covers it all up...

Once again I cannot stress enough that COMMUNICATION is the key and not necessaraly lack in compassion ,maybe pent up compassion, he pushes you to be better than him, but does not convey that in the best way(maybe only way he knows) and we cannnot ever know his ability to show real feelings .
In some cases the world is not nice about people(men )seeming weak..crying being outward kind.etc

 

[white page]

Hi Oscartheman,
I've read your posts with interest, it seems that your Dad really cares, yet his way of communicating this comes over as angry and not as constructive as it could be, there are several issues going on here, which family counselling could help.

You are on the threshold of adulthood, when everything is possible for you and your life is a beautiful infinate landscape at your feet.
Your Dad was in the same place at the same age.
I don't know his age , but he must be close to forty or even older, at that age we suddenly realise that maybe we have already lived half our life, and there is more of a feeling of urgency, we try to get this over to the young adults, at times very badly.

I feel deeply for you , because you need time and space to step over into adulthood at your own pace without being pressurised, you need to be taken seriously as a person in your own right and not just as the son of your parents.

I don't know if you fzzl you would like to write a letter to your father, saying how sorry you are that there is a difficulty of communication between you, that you see his point of view and that you would like him to hear how you feel, and that maybe a compromise could be reached whilst you are still living in the family home.

There is also the issue of the dominant Lion ( your Dad) and the young Lion ( You),
Conflict seems to be almost inevitable at some point or other.
You are stepping into vitality, and maybe your Dad has a sneaky fear of losing his position as the A male within the family.

 

[oscartheman]

Thanks for the posts guys, there were some cool stuff in there. I do well in school, maybe above avrege, and that's how my health is too.

I can't talk to my dad that much, because he'll deflect it. My mom and dad have some problems with money, but that's because they don't know how to handle stuff, always picking the wrong banks, etc etc, selling stuff in a low price because they really need it.

For example today my dad was making A LOT OF noise in the kitchen, and everywhere basiclly. He always does that! He always eats doing a lot of annoying noises too (I bet it's on purpose) and he does three times as much noise as my mom, if he wanted he would do it all much more quietly, he just wants to make a lot of noise to get noticed, maybe for someone to talk to him or just he enjoys that people can't be concentrated in what they do. (That's my speculation).

I told him if he really needed to make so much noise, if he could keep it down, respectfully, and he said no because he has to go around doing stuff and has to make noise to do it. (If he wanted he could keep it down). He does that, throwing the pieces on the chessboard to the box, almost breaking them, (Maybe that's a exxageration but he throws them really hard, one day they'll break) laying the dishes too hard on the table or when he is washing them.

Then he was eating and I asked him: So are you gonna go to the pc after you eat? Yes. But I tought you were gonna go to work? Yes I am. So are you gonna go to the pc?! Yes I am. But weren't you gonna go to work?? Yes I am. So what is it?! That's what I said. You gonna go to the pc and after to work? yes.

That's how it went lol. Then he asked me if I wanted to go to the work with him, he said I needed to do something other then sitting at home. He knows I've been out almost the whole day. I asked him what would I do there at work? he said: You can go there pick your mom and then come home with her. (he does those totally ridiculous suggestions sometimes.

I have to walk the dog in a while, not on earth would I do something so out of the box, my mom always goes home alone, it takes her like 10 minutes or less. I always go walk the dog shortly after he leaves, going there would imply that the dog would go out a lot after it normally would, and he knows that!) I told him that I would prefer to stay home, doing whatever, and I had to walk the dog very soon anyway.
He said: All you told me today was very negative, you're always so negative, dissing my ideas. And I was: Oh come on, you always look like you really don't wanna talk to me honestly or something. (In a normal tone of course, totally friendly). He was: You always think the stuff you say are good, and the stuff I say you spit on them, like you are the good one and the stuff I say are always bad.

(Something totally uncalled like that). And I was: But come on do you have to talk like that? You're the one who never seems to want to talk to me. (Something like that, like whenever I try to honestly talk to him he deflects it, do you undesrtand? But I spoke it very normally!). He was like: Let me go, you're always so negative, you're in such a bad mood, don't talk to me when you're in such a bad mood. (Which kind of makes me in a bad mood, because I was totally okay and he says that, that's kind of annoying). He seems to want to annoy me on purpose all the time and whenever I talk to him, it turns out like this. Oh well.

What would you suggest, got any interresting stuff to say? Like try again friendlier, or just don't talk to him?

I'm lucky that I've kind of seem to be gaining immunity to this! Maybe my body chemistry has changed a little bit or something like that. God this stuff is annoying sometimes! But it used to get to me worse. Today wasn0t the best example of course, I've seem lot lot worse. If I talked back to gim today, after that "you're in such a bad mood" comment, said something like: Oh shut up you're the one who always wants to annoy everyone, it would escalate and all really bad, it could last a hour or more easily!