David Baxter PhD
Late Founder
Last night was a huge full moon, harvest moon style almost, here in the Ottawa valley... 
- Thread starter stargazer
- Start date
ddHopes
Member
Thank David, Okay now i"m just of the heck of it gonna do a mood scale based on the moon. Full moon depressed. lets' see what happens on a half moon, since I don't keep track.
dd.1 1/2
dd.1 1/2
^^Phoenix^^
Member
dd! I'm numberly challanged (like my new word? ) this is gonna get complicated! is the secong number the moon phase?
) this is gonna get complicated! is the secong number the moon phase?
stargazer
Member
If I may venture a guess, I think dd simply means that her level of depression vs. mania on a scale on 1 to 10 is 1.5 today. Or did I miss a humorous venture? In any event, I can also relate to the romantic experience around the full moon. I do believe that the full moon definitely enhances romantic feelings.
ddHopes
Member
phoenix and Sg, yes, it is 1.5 on my bipolar scale.
stargazer
Member
6.0 -- when I get a good night's sleep the mania will likely reduce. Heavily sleep-deprived, on the waiting list at the shelter, still haven't gotten a bed.
Didn't sleep that well at my daughter's place last night because I awoke in the middle of the night with one of the kid's tunes from camp running through my head, thus triggering an emotion regarding the loss of that recent pleasant gig. The emotion, whatever it was, was such that it didn't translate to getting back to sleep. So I got about four hours of sleep at the most, and am starting to feel fried, especially considering I only slept one hour the night before last, in Golden Gate Park of all places.
I am sure that once I get a good night's sleep, my level of mania will reduce, as I have noticed how essential regular sleep is in enabling me to settle down and deal more effectively with stress. Also, the "lunacy" that occurs when sleep-deprived can translate into a kind of wackiness that seems to have a markedly manic flavor. Of course, these are all subjective perceptions of mine, and I'm not sure how much of them are strictly specific to my own peculiar self, and how universal they might be.
If you can relate, let me know.
Didn't sleep that well at my daughter's place last night because I awoke in the middle of the night with one of the kid's tunes from camp running through my head, thus triggering an emotion regarding the loss of that recent pleasant gig. The emotion, whatever it was, was such that it didn't translate to getting back to sleep. So I got about four hours of sleep at the most, and am starting to feel fried, especially considering I only slept one hour the night before last, in Golden Gate Park of all places.
I am sure that once I get a good night's sleep, my level of mania will reduce, as I have noticed how essential regular sleep is in enabling me to settle down and deal more effectively with stress. Also, the "lunacy" that occurs when sleep-deprived can translate into a kind of wackiness that seems to have a markedly manic flavor. Of course, these are all subjective perceptions of mine, and I'm not sure how much of them are strictly specific to my own peculiar self, and how universal they might be.
If you can relate, let me know.
stargazer
Member
I meant, one hour the night before the night before last. The night before last I had a motel room and actually slept really well, and felt un-stressed and fairly productive and relaxed all day yesterday. Today's been hell, I can barely even think straight. I just totally need sleep.
Yeah, we would all be very different people if we didn't get enough sleep. Nietzsche said the lowest point (the "abyss") of our existence was like being awake at 3 am in the morning.
Certainly, I would think that it's easier to find a place to nap than to sleep. When I worked in downtown Miami, I would nap in the employee lounge during my lunchbreak. Meanwhile, the homeless people were napping in the downtown library. It was like we were all having a siesta every afternoon.
Certainly, I would think that it's easier to find a place to nap than to sleep. When I worked in downtown Miami, I would nap in the employee lounge during my lunchbreak. Meanwhile, the homeless people were napping in the downtown library. It was like we were all having a siesta every afternoon.
stargazer
Member
That's a good point. If I could find some kind of all-night coffee shop or something like a Denny's restaurant, I could probably get by for a while by taking a lengthy nap somewhere in the afternoon and staying up all night in the restaurant. I'd be less uncomfortable napping in a park in the afternoon than trying to do so at night time. But my situation's getting desperate, although I'm resisting the "feeling" of desperation. It just kind of sucks. I'd give anything just to have a bed to lie down in right now, and maybe sleep solidly for eight or nine hours. The sleep deprivation is making it hard for me to focus, even on finding a place to sleep.
If you are in Berkeley, what shelters have you already called? I saw this shelter listed online but have no idea if they have any room:
CityTeam Ministries (offers shelter, meals, clothing, etc)
CityTeam Ministries (offers shelter, meals, clothing, etc)
Another link that may or may not be relevant:
Berekely Homeless Survival Guide (lists shelters and other resources)
UPDATE: I just read in your other thread that it seems you will be staying at a shelter for 30 days but they didn't have a place for you today.
Berekely Homeless Survival Guide (lists shelters and other resources)
UPDATE: I just read in your other thread that it seems you will be staying at a shelter for 30 days but they didn't have a place for you today.
stargazer
Member
Daniel, thanks for your concern. Yes, in my thread in the Members Only section I mentioned I'm on the waiting list for a 30-day stay in a men's shelter. I think it's likely I get the room tomorrow, so posts I've made today have largely been based around anxiety as to where I'm going to sleep *tonight.* It's possible that I might not have the room by tomorrow either, but unlikely.
I am still in that anxiety & still trying to work something out. I will check out the links you sent for future reference, however. I think one of them might pertain to the avenue I've already been pursuing.
I am still in that anxiety & still trying to work something out. I will check out the links you sent for future reference, however. I think one of them might pertain to the avenue I've already been pursuing.
ddHopes
Member
Sg, not to pry but do you have other family in the area that you could stay with til you got on your feet.?
You need some sleep hon. I start to get paranoid and see and hear things with out sleep and food.
I am praying for you. dd,2
You need some sleep hon. I start to get paranoid and see and hear things with out sleep and food.
I am praying for you. dd,2
^^Phoenix^^
Member
Hi SG
I don't have any information that I can offer you for help. I wish I did, but I just wanted to post and tell you that I'm sorry that this is all happening again, you are in my thoughts - I'm 'willing' things to change for you.
Take care.
I don't have any information that I can offer you for help. I wish I did, but I just wanted to post and tell you that I'm sorry that this is all happening again, you are in my thoughts - I'm 'willing' things to change for you.
Take care.
stargazer
Member
ddHopes said:
You have it right on, dd. Sleep deprivation is the psychic killer. Well, my brother and my daughter both live here in Berkeley, but my brother lives in a small house with his wife, and long ago they converted their guest room into a work space for their home businesses. The last time I spent a night there was in 1987, and he has specified that it's unfortunately not possible at this time.
My sister lives a little further South, is disabled and has care workers coming in and out--she also lives in a very small house, and I am sure I would be in the way. Anyway, she's also said it's not possible. I am not going to stay with my daughter anymore after last night, for various reasons. It will be good if a bed opens up tonight at the shelter. I should find out in a few hours.
Thanks for your prayers.
sg 1 1/2
ddHopes
Member
SG< I know you know best.........My continued prayers. I've been there, I stayed at a safe house or a self help center for abused women for almost a year, and they were awesome, helped me get a job, and relocated me here ......and the rest is hx. I hope your dreams come true, and you get out of the heat and food in your tummy.
Prayers in friendship, dd, 3< hey I'm climbing again, yah!!!!!!!! screw that depression. fight fight fight. right?
((((((hugs))))))))
Prayers in friendship, dd, 3< hey I'm climbing again, yah!!!!!!!! screw that depression. fight fight fight. right?
((((((hugs))))))))
^^Phoenix^^
Member
Right! Good to see you climbing dd.ddHopes said:
stargazer
Member
Yes. There's something right about starting at the bottom when you are, in fact, at the bottom. It's good that the system has resources for people needing to make a fresh start in life, and it will also show my brother and sister and daughter that I am taking responsibility for myself, and no longer trying to lean on them.
Anyway, I called the shelter & they said to call back at 11:30am. I won't be able to appear in person because my priest from Lodi is coming by the cafe with some cash for me. Then I need to find a Goodwill, get a change of clothes, and find a laundry.
I've been in the same spot in the cafe for several days now composing music, and I just finished the 1st movement of my flute sonata. I was at an impasse last night, and when I looked at it this morning, it magically all came together. So I sent both first and second movements to my theory-comp professor. He's computer-illiterate though, so I had to send them to an pianist who lives in the same town, so he could print them out and drive them over.
I'm still at about 1 1/2. My mood hasn't changed. I slept pretty well at my daughter's house and am relaxed. Musical theatre is repugnant to me right now--not sure if I mentioned I awoke the night before last at around 3am with the song "I'm Not That Girl" from Wicked running through my head. I usually love that music, but because we used it at the camp, it was depressing me to hear it, and I couldn't get it to stop playing in my head. And I couldn't get back to sleep. Finally got up at around 5:30am, grossly underslept. But last night I slept well, and slept in till 7:30am.
The reason why I dove into my classical composition was to help me not have to think about musical theatre, and so not have to face the depression that happens when I think about that genre, which I am presently associating with the job loss.
If anyone wants to hear my flute sonata, I'll send it to you. I can mp3 it for you, or if you don't have Broadband, there's a free download you can perform that will open and play the music notation file, not requiring a high speed connection.
Anyway, I called the shelter & they said to call back at 11:30am. I won't be able to appear in person because my priest from Lodi is coming by the cafe with some cash for me. Then I need to find a Goodwill, get a change of clothes, and find a laundry.
I've been in the same spot in the cafe for several days now composing music, and I just finished the 1st movement of my flute sonata. I was at an impasse last night, and when I looked at it this morning, it magically all came together. So I sent both first and second movements to my theory-comp professor. He's computer-illiterate though, so I had to send them to an pianist who lives in the same town, so he could print them out and drive them over.
I'm still at about 1 1/2. My mood hasn't changed. I slept pretty well at my daughter's house and am relaxed. Musical theatre is repugnant to me right now--not sure if I mentioned I awoke the night before last at around 3am with the song "I'm Not That Girl" from Wicked running through my head. I usually love that music, but because we used it at the camp, it was depressing me to hear it, and I couldn't get it to stop playing in my head. And I couldn't get back to sleep. Finally got up at around 5:30am, grossly underslept. But last night I slept well, and slept in till 7:30am.
The reason why I dove into my classical composition was to help me not have to think about musical theatre, and so not have to face the depression that happens when I think about that genre, which I am presently associating with the job loss.
If anyone wants to hear my flute sonata, I'll send it to you. I can mp3 it for you, or if you don't have Broadband, there's a free download you can perform that will open and play the music notation file, not requiring a high speed connection.
ddHopes
Member
Sg, I'm so sorry I haven't written, You sure sound like you have "a plan" and I pray that it works out for you.
I've been there hon. Literally. I lived in an alley tho. I was 19. I finally found a shelter for battered women and they took me in and fed me, helped me get clothes and finally a job. I couldn't afford a uniform so they let me wear jeans, and took my cab fair out of my first months checks, then I saved up for 3 mo and found an apt of my own in my old hometown and relocated to the shelter there and here I am years later. It will happen.
Our moods are about the same aren't they right now? I was coming up, but keep bumping down.
Oh the old earworm,( the everrunning songs in our sleep), that is something we should talk about too.
I have them all the time when I am depressed. When I'm manic and try to sleep I dream the strangest things. Like getting up and getting ready to go somewhere and then have to do it all over again when I really wake up. eerrrrrrr I hate that. Shoot I'm exausted from the first time.
Or not knowing if you dreamed things or they really happened??? That is what I am going thru now. But I'm not having manic dreams, I think I"m sleeping tooooo much, and my mind wants stimuli as it's over rested??? make sense. Just a theory. I have alot of self theories, as this disorder is wild, a really wild ride. I don't think it's something I'll ever figure out in this lifetime, but should really leave a journal for the next generation. Maybe there is something that can help someone. ......not that they probably don't already have it figured out.
But anyway , back to you.
Are you climbing at all yet? Mood wise??
my thoughts are with you and I have hope for your situation everyday.
Take good care of you. dd, 2
I've been there hon. Literally. I lived in an alley tho. I was 19. I finally found a shelter for battered women and they took me in and fed me, helped me get clothes and finally a job. I couldn't afford a uniform so they let me wear jeans, and took my cab fair out of my first months checks, then I saved up for 3 mo and found an apt of my own in my old hometown and relocated to the shelter there and here I am years later. It will happen.
Our moods are about the same aren't they right now? I was coming up, but keep bumping down.
Oh the old earworm,( the everrunning songs in our sleep), that is something we should talk about too.
I have them all the time when I am depressed. When I'm manic and try to sleep I dream the strangest things. Like getting up and getting ready to go somewhere and then have to do it all over again when I really wake up. eerrrrrrr I hate that. Shoot I'm exausted from the first time.
Or not knowing if you dreamed things or they really happened??? That is what I am going thru now. But I'm not having manic dreams, I think I"m sleeping tooooo much, and my mind wants stimuli as it's over rested??? make sense. Just a theory. I have alot of self theories, as this disorder is wild, a really wild ride. I don't think it's something I'll ever figure out in this lifetime, but should really leave a journal for the next generation. Maybe there is something that can help someone. ......not that they probably don't already have it figured out.
But anyway , back to you.
Are you climbing at all yet? Mood wise??
my thoughts are with you and I have hope for your situation everyday.
Take good care of you. dd, 2
stargazer
Member
I'm probably at about a 4 or 5. I've been pretty level lately. There's info about recent events on my other thread in the Members Only section, but basically I'm back in Lodi, and it feels right to be here. I've already been given a 10-day supply of depakote, though I had to go through Crisis to get it, and I've got a doctor's appointment on Friday. So I can get a more lasting prescription then. I'm staying in the shelter at the Salvation Army, and it's much nicer than the place was in Berkeley. I'm sleeping reasonably well, and I feel pretty good. I don't think the depakote has taken effect yet (I've only taken it for 3 days) but my circumstances show enough hints of potential stability, that I'm feeling much better about life than I was earlier. And, of course, I am no longer heavily sleep-deprived, which had been making it extremely difficult to focus.
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