It felt good... May trigger....

[Cavi]

It felt good...May trigger....

I hadn't cut in 3 years until the other day and I went on such a high from it...
I had actually missed that high...But there is a part of the SI, I don't understand and I haven't had the nerve to tell my T and as I write this I am turning 50 shades of red!...

I had been cutting off and on for 33 years and occassionally burning, but 3 years ago the last 2 times I cut I got sexually aroused...My ex T told me that there was absolutely no connection between SI and being sexually aroused...

The other day I had been bingeing (and I haven't been able to stop and I feel like a good year blimp) anyways the thought of cutting came to mind and once again I got sexually aroused... <admin edit: removed graphic detail>

Since than all i have been able to think about was that feeling I felt while cutting and I want it again...K has been home with me b/c of it being the weekend and I won't cut while she's around, its a private thing for me which I hide from her unless I end up with stitches and thats usually what happens as the cutting progresses...

I've been mellow today because last night I had a dream about the cutting and that high feeling I felt and the bingeing tends to ease the anxiety too...

My T knows I cut the other day but I didn't tell her about the sexual part of it...I did tell her that I got a tremendous high from it and that I had forgotten how good that high felt...

Tommorrow K goes back to work and I am almost counting the hours until I can SI...I am trying to distract myself and not go down that road again but its really hard when I got such a tremendous high off of it...I want it...I want that high and that good feeling...My T kept saying please don't go down that SI road again but she doesn't understand that high.......RIMH

 

[texasgirl]

RIMH:

I am sorry to hear that you are finding it so hard to stop SI. Having done this in the past for several years, and finally stopping years ago, I can only say that the "high" you describe was to me at the time more like a feeling of anxiety relief. I have to say though that I was finally able to stop doing it by seeking other ways of dealing with the anxiety, including medication. I figured out that repeating this behavior was no more and no less like any other bad habit - and that it was based on a kind of circular logic (i.e. I need to feel the relief so then I would do it only to have to do it again to feel the relief which created its own kind of anxiety). I really do hope that you could take the step to stop for a period of time and supplant cutting for something good = whatever that is for you. Ultimately I found that even when I am tempted now to do it that it was in the end not the solution so am able to control the urge.

Take care...

 

[Cat Dancer]

RIMH:

I figured out that repeating this behavior was no more and no less like any other bad habit - and that it was based on a kind of circular logic (i.e. I need to feel the relief so then I would do it only to have to do it again to feel the relief which created its own kind of anxiety).

This is so true. My doctor said something like this, to look at it as a habit. I think it takes time and lots of hard work to overcome this habit. I am struggling with self-injury too. It never gave me a high feeling, just relief that I had punished myself and sometimes it helps take away the pain inside, but I know it is not healthy and not a good way to cope. I will eventually find something that works to help me cope instead of this and I hope you can too.

 

[Cavi]

What you said makes sense...I'll think about it....RIMH

 

[texasgirl]

One thing that helped me too was to try to recall what my arms looked like before I started SI. Then I wanted to "get them back". Now that the scars are faded (although still there to some degree), they look more like they used to, and I was able to get some level of satisfaction from that and from not having to wear long sleeves all the time....

 

[Thelostchild]

my psychologist told me that cutting is like being aroused. Weird but possibly true

 

[Cavi]

I have scars on my arms and chest for a long time I wore long sleeves an high necked shirts but since this attitude towards people started, I don't hide them anymore...

If the attitude would go away than I would probably be upset about the cutting again...RIMH

 

[texasgirl]

I too finally quit wearing long sleeves but I found it hard to explain "what happened to me". Long story short, though, what meant most to me was the fading of the scars which went along with the fading of the urge to continue to cut. (if that makes any sense)

 

[Cavi]

Im going to bow out of this b/c I dont want to trigger anyone with the way I am thinking right now about the cutting.RIMH